around the corner

Bogas 3 Sneak View

2012-01-16T13:02:00.001+08:00

These words that youread aren’t really words.

In these last few years of quiet, words have become a bit more than what they are. They have become voices – those little whimpers you hear when the going gets too rough. These words, too, have become laughter, melodic and warm – a bit like hot cocoa on a very cold, rainy night.

Oh but most importantly,these words – These words that you’re reading have become echoes. Soft echoes
in time that have stayed and remained. As if in an empty wide cavern that used to be so full and busy, all that lingers now are the traces of what was once there. Of what was once been.

I remember a trek maybe about fifteen summers ago in the deep Sierra Madres of Cagayan. There was this place called Callao Caves which was partly a tourist spot, partly ruins. The entrance of the cave has been converted into a chapel, and is always filled with people, mostly Catholics. Further down the path though, where it is darker, steeper and most likely dangerous, is the part which is not open to public. I remember getting lost in this dangerous place.

I wasn’t scared, and no I wasn’t exactly rearing to go back to the chapel which had somehow stifled my naturally-adventurous spirit. Instead, I plunged head-on, not knowing where each step would take me. After the initial up and down bumpy walk, I remember coming into an open space, which is lit by natural sunlight from a large hole five meters above me. The ray of light cast glittering dust directly to where I was standing. Suddenly, my surroundings became more quiet but instinctively alive. I could hear the drop of water from a stalactite 3 meters away! And the
leaves, yes the rustling of leaves from way beyond the hole above was very soothing to my ears. The very air around me seemed to have energy from within it. It was one of those split second moments than can evoke emotions to write
poetry or to make a painting.

I literally envision my life with the Bogases to the old feeling I had in that cave.

My life with the Bogas people was life full of contradiction. I’ve said this once, and I’ll say it again – it was a short time of driving free, the times when we counted destruction with thorns. We felt life, in fullness and in freedom, one part of life filled with madness and joy.

After everyone has left, I didn’t feel as much fire in friendship any more. I was not interested in having tight knots with people because in my heart of hearts, what was the point when everyone’s leaving one way or another. Of course I was wrong then. Life moves on inevitably and those that desperately cling to their past almost always drown in the miserable truth that the past is exclusively history. And so as I counted the months that led to years, and then to a decade, I was absentmindedly also trying to move on from life I had with the Bogases. My friend Mabelle will shake her head when she reads these lines I’m writing now – she will of course say, “We’re still here, alive and kicking” as the cliché goes. “Nobody changed, you know”. And for sure, I’d say, “Things change, people change, that’s the stark truth, who are we to dispute reality?” But us being us, we’d also most likely let our thoughts hang without necessarily agreeing with each other. And that’s the beauty of what we have now. I guess we’ve just learned to accept all that has happened without questions. Things were more difficult to understand in the early days. And one of the people who most likely felt it the hardest was Richard. If you’re wondering why it had to be him, don’t ask. Just look back. I’m sure you’ll get the answer you’re looking for. Just try to remember.

Remember.

This is so hard to do these days. Our get togethers have become rare and far in between, sometimes taking years before the next one. And when we do have it, I have always hoped to maybe talk about the old times, maybe laugh and reminisce about the old ways. But rarely does this happen. We do a little update here and there. And mostly it would be about people other than us. So these days, I end up knowing more things about the people we know, instead of each other. I don’t complain. Being together, albeit infrequently, is always better than nothing. Again, acceptance. Life goes on.

And so I write this 3rd book not in an attempt to talk about our past. As fiery, feral and colourful our past lives may have been, that is now almost exclusively history. Almost. In this fast and busy world we’ve embraced, echoes of the past are heard during quiet nights. But echoes are not stories – just memories. So what I intend to write is what happened after. What happened after Los Banos? What happened when people began leaving? And what happened to the people in this next life chapter of the Bogas people?
Read on.

Tonight I Write About Tata

2011-06-09T01:01:00.006+08:00

Tonight, I write about Tata.

Tata was my last living grandparent. A little over a year ago, Tata passed away quite unexpectedly. I was here at the Metro when it happened. But my mind, over that entire week was with him.

Tata has always been sort of like a sentinel for me. He, in my own humble opinion, was my old man who I thought would never grow old.

He did.

But back in the older days, I have fond memories of Tata riding his bicycle, going around the old town. He is quite well known in the old neighborhood, and I can only surmise that this is because he was once the owner of the only restaurant/grocery/store in the old neighborhood. Tata used to own an old carpentry shop too. He had, in his employ a number of people who were then my playmates as a kid. I had waitresses as my yayas then. His carpenters were at my beck and call whenever I needed anything built - from small wooden chairs to mini tables as my playthings. My sister and I shared a small nook at the corner of the shop where we would build our little own world of made of wood, tools scrap metals. These days, one of my favorite scents remain to be the smell of fresh wood shavings. Looking back now, this might have been because this scent remind me of my youth when nothing and no one can touch me. Who could ever? My Tata was my sentinel - he stood guard for me, from all the possible harms that could hurt, down to the little scratches I got from playing around in his shop.

As a kid, I was a handful. I was spoiled rotten by my late Nana and by all my titos and titas. Whenever I would have my share of spanking from Papa during my younger days, I run to Tata's bedroom, and that was the end of my punishment. I would stay there until the late hours, watching PPP (Piling Piling Pelikula) and Box Office Hits from the old, yellow telly.

On most mornings, it was Tata's task to buy pandesal for the entire family. Even after our family has moved to another house, Tata, would always drop by riding his bicycle to give our morning ration of pandesal. He had also taken upon himself to get the previous night's trash so he can throw it in the dump site. This has been his daily morning ritual for as long as I can remember.

During the later part of his life, Tata has slowly become thinner and more sickly. His once stocky built has shrunk to a frail old man, yet he remained handsome, strong jawline and all. Despite his rheumatic joints, he continued to tower above us all, wide shouldered and well-postured. Tata remained his quiet, dignified stance, never bullying nor oppressing. He was a loving grandfather who never got mad, never demanded, and never imposed any rules.

It's been a little bit over a year since Tata has passed away. It isnt true when they say that time heals. When we lose someone we love, we are never, ever the same. And yes, we will be scarred forever. Time, however, has a way of making us feel better. Yet, the scars, however thin and light they become, will always be here.

Tonight, I write about Tata. Tonight, I feel my scars. And yes, over time, I have felt better about all that has happened. But I remember. And I know I miss my old man.

One Crappy Entry

2011-06-07T04:43:00.002+08:00

It's 4AM and I'm staring at this almost blank screen. What to write, I ask myself. I lit a cigarette to help jumpstart my pondering process. And I've been hitting on long drags but the mind opts to laze around today.

The words in my head are all jumbled up. I have a couple of things that I want to write about but I find myself getting lazier and lazier with each letter I type on my keyboard.

So I keep on staring at this screen, wondering if I could ever muster anything to post today.

For now, this crappy entry will have to do. I vow to write something more substantial tomorrow. I hate this feeling of not being able to express myself as easily like I used to.

Maybe I should stop stop thinking too much for a bit.

Mid Year Question

2011-06-02T07:37:00.003+08:00

Mid year review for 2011--
This year is full of surprises. A lot of changes has happened over the course of the last 6 months. I must admit, most of these has left me panting and astonished. Let me not get into the boring nitty gritties of my mundane life. (But) So far, I've left my old boring job for another boring one. In the last 6 months, I've also been more docile(!) in terms of handling altercations. I might have been feral and ferocious in the past, yes. But lately, I have been surprising myself because I have become more laidback and...yes, docile. I dent exacly know what changed. If, in the past, I found great joy in debating and trying to prove I'm right, these days, I just keep quiet and let other people believe what they want to believe. I have become more detached, but not apathetic. I still care about what's happening around me, but I have become less controlling. Good thing? I dont know. One thing that scares me about all these is the possibility of me becoming jaded. Could it be? Have I grown so old that I no longer find passion and intensity with the world around me? I dont know, but being 30 seems like an awful lot early to feel old. Something in me has gone astray, but I still cant figure out what. I've said this before and I will say it again - I need to feel passionate about something..anything. During the last few years, I have stopped, little by little, doing the things I love. I stopped writing. I rarely play the guitar anymore. I've stopped going out with friends. I don't feel as excited with my job anymore. I rarely ever paint and sketch. What stopped me from doing all these? That is the question.

Life's a Bliss with K

2010-11-25T15:23:00.000+08:00

Ninety days from my last post was when I stopped being lonely.
About 8 months ago, I've learned to let go of old hurts and pains.
About 8 months ago, I've started looking at life through rose-colored glasses again.
It was utterly unexpected, yet awesomely thrilling.
It was, is a sweet, sweet ride to oblivion, where I was fully well aware of being alive and...
...being loved.

I never thought happiness can stay.
Life in this corner is a bliss.

Zombie

2010-02-05T17:38:00.000+08:00

I woke up one morning and I was a zombie. I need to feel passionate again - about something. Anything.

My Little Piece of Sky

2009-09-08T12:33:00.000+08:00

And as I write this, I'm right beside my window looking out. It's raining outside, and the clouds are too low, you think I could touch them. The rain's so fine its almost invisible. Yet I see them.

Something about today wants to make me look up to the skies. I should be somewhere else, doing something else. Yet I grabbed a chair, placed it right next to my window, and stared out. Do I see something? Should I see something?

I don't. But I suddenly feel that this is my place today. If something ever comes out of this, I'll tell you soon. For now, let me enjoy my piece of sky by my window side.

You?

2009-09-01T10:02:00.002+08:00

It surprised me. It took me but a moment to realize how much I like you. I mean...you?

I should have known it from the time I started dreaming about you. From the time you started showing me the extra attention which I thought bothered me. When you stopped paying me the extra time, I kinda missed it. But...you?

I dont know where this is going. Or if it is even going somewhere. My heart tells I should just go on with the ride. But my mind tells me I've been travelling too far and wide without really going anywhere. This shouldn't really be a difficuly decision. It can't be...you.

Enough Said. For Now.

2009-08-30T09:24:00.003+08:00

I couldn't say exactly when I started feeling great again. I can't say a lot has changed. But deep inside, I know something has. Something so significant yet infinitestimally so that I forgot to notice it.

I read once that people need reasons to stay. I agree and I have proven this to be true. What I didnt get then was that this also works vice-versa. People, too, need reasons to leave. I had my reasons. But I never really got to undertand these til now.

And so I have lived the last few months in near seclusiom, wanting to find solace and warmth from the chill thah hang just outside my window pane.

And so I have waited it out for the last few dews that have tormented my mornings to dry up.

The monster inside is weak. But it is not gone. Despite the rumbles albeit soft that I hear on rainy nights, life has turned out well for this corner I call my life. And its true when they say that things change and people change. I've written that line before. I've said it so many times too. But for the record, let me say it diffirently this time. Things change if people change.

Enough said. For Now.

Silent, Warm Arm

2009-05-26T00:20:00.003+08:00

And it starts with that simple feeling. Vaguely noticeable yet uncontrollable. Dreamy eyes, floating glances. The feeling grows. It engulfs and spreads. Suddenly its not so simple anymore. You know its there and you start to fight it. For a moment, it lets go. The feeling bids its time. As silent as a shadow, it comes creeping back. It embraces those who are not wary. And you know you've lost when you decide to embrace it back.

I dont know what you're thinking, but I'm talking about sleep...
Silent as a shadow, its engulfing the unwary I. It creeps and spreads and I lie here, finally embraced by sleep's warm arms...

Lovely, Just Lovely

2009-05-24T18:40:00.003+08:00

So...
I don't know where this emotion is coming from. Lately, I have been feeling irritated with most people that I normally have a "good time" with. I suddenly just felt like I needed to do something else, perhaps someplace else...but really, I dont even care if I get there. Maybe its all pent-up feelings I tried to control before. I have a lways been a people-pleaser, remember? Five months ago, I quit doing that. No more amenable, easygoing, nice, Jing. Forget the old everyone's bestfriend, no-devil-can-hurt charmer that I have always been. I have grown tired of pleasing people. Maybe its time to please myself, eh? Fair enough, I suppose.

So...
I am more at peace with my world these days. In fact, I have started hearing the midnight hums that I used to hear before (refer to old posts if you must wonder). These days, I can wake up in the middle of the night, and smile to myself for that wonderful feeling only a person in touch with his own being can feel. I can stay up the whole day alone without doing anything really, and still sleep like a baby by mid afternoon and well way into the night. I have begun oil painting, renewed my passion for books and films and writing. I have been spending more quality time with people who really matter, and yes, life's a blast. It has been so long since I've last felt this - and the best part of it is that I know I totally deserve this.

Lovely, just lovely.

The Bohemian Adventurer

2009-05-16T17:44:00.003+08:00

I am...
Speechless...or wordless or however you want to call it. Fact, I have not been writing for the longest time. I didn't think there was anything worth writing about. But then I look back to everything I have written, and I ask, "Who the fuck cares, anyway?" I don't think anybody still reads this shit. I know I don't. At least not until I've jumped from all sites imaginable and just too lazy to get out of my PC chair. Not until I feel so bored and restless and hopeless do I get the nerve to actually go back to this site to start smelling the flowers again.

Why do I run? Why do I wander from place to place trying to justify that I live the life of a great bohemian adventurer ready to take on the world? When in fact, all I really want to do is to stay put and put a semblance of permanency in my life. When all I really hope for is to stay long enough at any one place at any one time to grow some roots and maybe even just bloom a little. But no, see I set a fleeting pace to my very existence and leap bounds of distances as if I was running away for my life.

When do I stop? When do I set the pace so that it actually matches my heartbeat? How long can I go and how hard can I still give? In time I will have to admit I've grown tired. I'm sure I'm not built to last this way.

Blanks, Bares and Voids

2008-10-04T17:24:00.002+08:00

Blank piece. Blank screen.
Tough luck.
Empty thoughts. Empty feelings.
Bare.
No words. No ideas.
Void.

How long has it been? Days, months, years? Somewhere in the midst of trying to survive, I have forgotten to live.
Somewhere in the limbo of trying to justify my choices, I have forgotten the choices I've made.

I thought I was doing this for all the right reasons. But if I did, why did it turn out so wrong? If I made a better person out of me, why do I feel rotten inside?

Confusion is not the opposite of Wisdom.
Its blankness.
Its emptiness.
Its bareness.
Its void.

Exactly how I feel now.
Wisdom has not come with my age.
Damn.

In Solitude

2008-03-02T15:44:00.002+08:00

It doesn't matter how tough it is. Or how lame the reason is. If the thoughts keep hurting, I don't care if I start forgetting. Slowly and painfully - I am burning my last bridge. If this was a bad decision, then it shall be my last.

I am full of emotion but surprisingly empty inside. I feel the freedom of solitude yet I miss my chains. The wind is behind me and I am drenched in sweat. These complications have nailed me to this spot. I can keep on running but memories travel faster. In one snap, I am back to my old painful past. No strings and no connections. I am simply alone.

And I accept that.
My choices have been clear.
My pain was real.
And I will endure this.
I have to.
There is no other way to get through this.

Longest Hiatus

2008-01-17T20:52:00.000+08:00

This is my longest hiatus ever. All for a very good reason.
I will update soon...
I promise.

Lost

2007-08-14T14:14:00.000+08:00

Like a rubber ball bouncing from one wall to another - left and right, top to bottom. Like water rushing out from a broken vase. Spontaneous, sporadic. Sometimes forceful, sometimes passive. Umplanned and unthinkable.

I have lost all sense of direction. And I need to find my way again. Can someone just please hand me a map? I am so tired. And lost.

I Thank The Skies

2007-07-25T16:47:00.000+08:00

Somewhere between the time the heavy rains started outside and the phone call I made, was when I realized that I am, indeed, truly OKAY.

I was working late yet again. And I played an old song to keep me company during the long OT hours. I sneaked a glance outside the window and realized the rains have turned to a drizzle. As I glanced down, I had to smile for myself for having made it through the downpour. Yes, the rain is over but the street right beneath me is still wet. And yes, my eyes are dry now, but it doesn't mean they won't moisten again. I feel good though. Not blissful, not exulatnt - just wonderfully, surprisingly OKAY...

And I thank the skies today.

We Are Only Freshmen

2007-07-20T12:24:00.000+08:00

“I have never stopped learning. I am a work in progress.”

I heard this line so many times before from a mentor who is now long-gone. Through the many years that I’ve learned from him, my mentor never failed to remind me that he, as my guru, was also learning from me in more ways than one. True, I was the neophyte. I was the one who needed the learning. And through the sweet, sometimes bitter course of time, I began to realize the most important lesson of all. My teacher taught me, that no matter how great a mentor can be, no one really stops learning.

The age of 20’s to 30s is a phase that I would love to call renaissance. It is an age of reawakening wherein we should’ve learned the old lessons already. It is the time for us to try to be wise and practical at the same time. For most of us, we think that we no longer need the advice of the elderly. We aspire to live alone, earn for own bread and butter, in short, we just try to be independent. Frankly, there is nothing I find wrong with that. Independence is an impressive feeling. It makes us feel powerful. I t makes us feel that we are somehow in control of our own life. But there is thin line between independence and desolation.

Whereas independence makes us feel confident, desolation leaves us lonely and unappreciated. Independence gives us motivation to be better, while desolation leaves us no choice but to be better. Independence is a choice. Desolation is a result of bad choices.

I have a friend who is very successful in her career. At 25, she is already a part of upper Management in a prestigious company. She lives alone. She travels a lot. She earns more than she can spend. In the world of young urban professionals, my 25-year old friend has clearly made it. The question is, made to what? In the middle of the night, my friend yearns for comfort that no money or posh condos could give. In the middle of the fast life, she finds herself wanting to slow down and backtrack to what she really wants in life. In this world of speedy rat races, do we really have to be desolate to be independent?

Sometimes, questions that we don’t have answers to scare us to the brink of nonchalance. Ignorance is bliss, they say. If one can’t answer some questions, they see no point in looking after the answers. Well, what can I say, we are past the age of schools and home works. We are so over the fact that we were once novices and learners eager to learn all that life had to teach. We think we’ve earned our place in the world. Maybe. But if that were the case, questions would’ve stopped coming, would it? If learning has no place in our life now, life should’ve been perfect. And that clearly isn’t. So, what gives?

In this lifetime, one never has to stop learning simply because life is good. One never has to stop to take things to a breather and ask about things that could be and what could’ve been. No one lives twice, and it’s not as simple as repeating 3rd grade or 4th grade if you flunk the last school year. In life, as simple or bizarre this may sound, we are all freshmen.

We are only Freshmen.

Summer Breeze: A Summer Ender Musing

2007-06-20T19:52:00.000+08:00

The breeze cools off, and the dust settles. You go home and you wished everything stayed as they were. But nothing ever stays the same. Especially not after a long, hot
summer.

The end of summer has always been nostalgic for me. My past summers were never exceptional, yes, but somehow, I find myself more – what is the term – changed?

For kids, summer is bliss. Time to play, no school, no books. I’ve always looked forward to it when I was young. Back then, summer meant doing all the things I wanted and more. It was about living free, without hassle - without rules. As I grew older, summer became more and more mundane. It simply became a series of sweaty days and hot nights. In college, I started taking summer classes. I barely stayed home. I never found the time to try out the beaches. When I got a job, summer meant even less. It was just more heat, more dust, and higher electricity bill.

My last 3 summers came and went and I never noticed. I was at a point in my life where I took the fast lane, never stopping to look back on things I could be missing. I joined the rat race. In the last couple of weeks, I barely even had time to notice the heat. I hardly ever noticed that in a couple of days, summer would again be over.

Yes, summer is- again- almost over. Two months of supposed lethargy. Two months of supposedly laidback life. I never noticed. What gives?

Summer, just like any other season, is a phase. It has a beginning, and it has an ending. If most people get to have their fun in the summer, that too will have to end one way or another. On the flipside, some people who have lousy summers would find themselves out of the hell hole soon. What is the point of my musings?

It is to remind myself that nothing ever stays the same. Things change, people change. Summer is the time when we commence things – after that, everything supposedly just resets. You try to go back to the customary bustle. You attempt to recede to the normal lifestyle. Fundamentally, the trance and daze sojourn and we attempt to revert to the former routine. But then, nothing ever stays the same. Time is not cyclical, it is one forward motion that goes into infinity.

Summer is over. Whatever we did or did not do is something we take with us head-on. Let’s not go looking back to the things that were. Summer has ended, and the things that were, no longer are.

End of musings.

Jaded

2007-05-25T07:50:00.000+08:00

Two of my dearest friends are the saddest of people today. Let me tell you a story.

We were friends. It started quite nicely, like new spring breaking the winter. The 2 fell in love, and I watched them grow to be one of the happiest couples I know. I was glad. After a couple of months, there were fights. Nasty words were thrown, but they just kept getting back together. Love conquers all, so they say - and though jaded in love that I was, I started to quite believe in it too. Then months became years. And our friendship just kept getting stronger. Their love, maybe even stronger. But like all things then and now, tests just have to come along the way. I the end, you just have to take it, if you pass, then it's all good.

Someone drove home intoxicated one night. Someone got worried. Someone got nagged. Someone got mad. Two people fought. One asked for space. The other had to give it.

10 days. Someone was confused. Someone was sad. Someone took someone else in a place where people do intimate things. And someone learned about it. And the question was, "Why?"

I thought you needed space to think things through. I thought you wanted to fix this so you had to go away for a while.

And someone said, "I was confused and sad and frustrated because of what happened between us. I am angry at you because nobody was left to care for me"

But wasn't it you who asked for space? Wasn't it you who drove home drunk one night and got mad because someone was concerned? Wasn't it you who finally had to end it? What right do you have now to put the blame on someone else?

You see, I ask these questions now because my friends have been dying to hear from me. I've always been someone who never left their side. I was someone who watched and listened. They thought I knew everything. They thought I could fix everything. Little did they know that it was me who learned from them this time. And whatever that I've learned from them is something I wish I haven't.

Yes, they say love conquers all. Jaded though that I was, I believed in it too. But this time, I simply don't see love in the equation. It was deception and lies that caused all these. It was pride and anger that made you do stupid things. It was you.
Count me out of this.

I'm Back?

2007-05-24T09:31:00.000+08:00

I'm back! Err, not quite... I have no reason for being away. There is never any acceptable reason why someone goes away. I've been ignoring this blog for quite some time now, and when I tried logging in just a couple of minuets ago, I
didn't remember my log-in and password anymore.

Well, cutting the story short, I finally had to reset everything and save from literally starting from scratch, here I am -- I'm back, and blogging -- but not just quite yet.

That is the sad thing about people going away. You see, we all tend to forget. We forget the beauty of youth. We neglect old feelings. We fail to remember the beauty of what was once shared. People go away so fast not caring to store their log-ins and passwords in a safe place. So when they do decide to come back, they practically have to start all over again. WE NEVER LEARN.

__________________________

My friends judge my moodswings thru my blog. If I have been writing a lot, something's wrong with my life. If I've been awfully quiet, then I am most likely having the time of my life. Sniff, how I wish this holds true this time. I am neither exultant nor jovial at this point in my life. Somehow, everything just isn't falling in their proper places lately. I find myself tired, bored, sick and uninspired all at the same time. I drown myself in sheer poignancy amidst watching collections of old TV series and soap operas.

__________________________

I know I need to shape up soon. There are people out there who need me strong.
But for once, why can't I just let myself be weak?

Elbi, One Last Time

2007-03-12T01:58:00.000+08:00

I have written about this only once in my lifetime. I rarely even talk about it. I always say that ELBI is set for another story. I have reserved an entirely another paradigm to write about ELBI. And time and again, I have always procrastinated. I can never allow myself to write about it again.

The first time I wrote something about ELBI was about 8 or 9 years ago. It was a sad time for most of us. I wrote a book entitled BOGAS. I have made 2 copies - one I kept for myself, and the other, I gave to someone who might have already lost it by now. When I wrote that book, the memories were vivid. I only had to sit for a moment to gather my thoughts. Pages and pages of memories filled my days. The days turned to months and before I knew it, I had written my first book. As the years passed, I forgot about having ever written it. I have invested too much emotions writing it and it has almost drained me of ever feeling anything again. I have never written anything quite like it again.

Browsing through my old shelves about a week ago, I came upon the once familiar book with the orange cover. I started reading it but felt I couldn't go on. Since last week, the BOGAS book has lain on my bedside table, patiently waiting for me to read it again. It will have to wait for a very long time.

Sometimes you think you're through with your past, but your past ain't through with you. I tried moving on and letting go co'z the past's dead, it can't kill me now.

These days, I admit that ELBI was one of the best things that ever happened to me. If you're thinking college life - no, that's not what it is. ELBI is much more than college life for me. Back then, it was life. It was everything to me. It was home, it was friends, family - past and future. So when it shattered, my life came away to pieces with it. I have picked up the shards since then. I have had my share of bleeding and crying. The scars are almost gone. But I still can't write about ELBI. Why?

In my heart, I know that everything is almost over with ELBI. I have said this before, and I will say it again: No matter how great my past life may have been, it is now exclusively history. I feel the detachment now. I feel ELBI now as one distant memory. Again, why can't I write about it? It is perhaps because I have this one last hope hanging. I have left the place in a hurry without properly closing my doors. I have abandoned a part of my life thinking that I was without options then. Now, I feel the distance. And yes, I want to build my bridges to my past again. I would want to continue where I have left off, if only to see if I have really made the right choices. One last time, let me see and feel ELBI again.

If only for one last time.

Ask Me

2007-02-19T00:29:00.000+08:00

Most people have secrets. Sometimes they share it to others who are important to them. Sometimes, they share it to people who may not even be important, but because they just understand readily. Lots of people have these closets in their mind and in their soul. For reasons remaining to be unknown, these closets remain unopened for the longest time. Whatever's that's inside are never shown - simply because.

I have a couple of closets. Some, have not been acknowledged until recently. Lately, I have these questions in my mind, and it is only now that I am starting to understand, and maybe accept - little by little.

I am not the type of person though, who divulges things without being asked first. You may find me someone who talks a lot under normal circumstances, but if you really listened...I wasn't really speaking. Most of the things that pass between my lips have just been words. Words come and go. I want to say something now. Something that will last, something that will be a secret between us.

Most of the time, I just listen. I bide my time and take in all that I can muster. Until now, I have kept my silence. So what changed? Lots. Things change, people change. I changed - in more ways than one, in a lot more ways than you can imagine, in a lot more ways than some of you can maybe accept.

I have close friends whom I thought knew me inside out, and until now, I have been continually thankful for the things they have shown and proven to me. I have friends who may not know me inside out, but for some reason, I decided to start with them so there would be less questions. Before , I thought that one of the benefits of having old friends is that you don't have to explain yourself to them anymore. This time, it might be the other way around. My old friends knew me from before, and had there been any changes, they would be the first ones to notice - and ask questions.

I have been waiting for any one of them to ask me. I dropped hints here and there. But I guess friends normally don't notice the slightest hints anymore, simply because they've become too comfortable with who I was. Now, I want them to ask. Because this time, I know I am ready. I have gotten past that threshold of knowing myself a little bit better, and I have gotten over that fear of revealing a bit more of myself.

Ask me.
I know you have questions now. If you had the slightest inkling before, don't put it our of your mind anymore. See, I wanted to share this with you all this time, but you never asked the question. These days, lot and lots of new people start to know things about me, but I feel regret in not allowing my old friends to know about it first.

I am what I am.
I love as I am.
I show me as I am....
And up to this day, I remain your old friend, despite the changes...despite of what I've become.

Ask me the right questions.
I've dared myself to answer.

the new "do"

2007-02-13T04:16:00.000+08:00

Good Friends

2007-02-04T23:08:00.000+08:00

Getting together with good friends with good food and a good ol' camera handy always spells F-U-N. I've been working my ass so hard as of late. But just after spending a couple of hours with these guys, I felt rejuvenated right away. There's simply nothing heartfelt laughter, tons of hugs and warm kisses can't cure these days. If I may quote Shelay,

"Hay Jing, sarap...para akong galing sa bakasyon..."

Kurak! I've been lucky enough to have found friends in the workplace. I've always been attached to my college friends in the past, and somehow, without knowing it, I have subconsciously been shying away from establishing new bonds with other poeple.

Over time though, I have learned to accept that no matter how great my old friendships may have been, they are already a part of my past. Something good is worth keeping but just the same, they also fade away. Not to say though that I severe old ties. Because I don't.

I just realized one day that I can't live in the past like I used to anymore. I need to reach out to other people. And I needed to give myself another chance to experience good friendship again.

It feels nice to have friends. Sometimes it's what keeps me going. It makes me feel that no matter what, I got these people behind me and I know they're there for keeps.

rather stoic than vulnerable

2007-01-29T01:14:00.000+08:00

For the most part, January, for me was a jump from one activity to the next. Every week, there was always something going on. Everyday was just another day to finish all my deliverables. Every weekend, I promised myself to go easy but I broke each one. You know, ordinarily, I would have been ranting already. But I'm not. Somehow, I welcome the tiredness. It makes it easier for me to fall asleep when I get home. Somehow I love being overwhelmed. It takes my mind off from things I'd rather not think about.

The only real time I have for myself these days is when I'm in the bathroom. When I'm there doing all my stuff, I just let my mind wander and think closely where really I'm at now. Am I happy? Am I okay? Am I smoking too much again? Am I sick? Am I mad? These are questions that I swirl in my mind for 10 minutes that I have to stay in the bathroom. That's it, just 10 minutes. These days, I don't have the luxury to think so much on how I feel. I'd rather be stoic than vulnerable.

So I guess the question there is why. Why am I putting myself in a situation where I will have to eventually ask myself all the why's again. I'll answer that later. My 10 minutes for the day is done. Maybe I'll have an answer next time. Try asking me. If I cry, then you hit a nerve. If I smile, then it's just another day.

Of Endings and Beginnings

2007-01-20T08:48:00.000+08:00

And so I was crossing the road, not looking left nor right,
not caring whether the light was red or green. In a split of
a second, just when I thought I wouldn't make it over to the
other side, I felt my feet step on the sidewalk. And that's
when I closed my eyes and breathed. I knew it was over.
Endings.
2006 was the worst and best year for me. I had the highest
of highs and the lowest of lows. Last year, I lost a great
love, but I gained a bestfriend. I am now leaving a job I
love because I just got a promotion. I am currently in the
process of closing doors and opening windows, and at
some point while doing that, I also decided to clean out
some closets in my mind. We all have these tiny skeletons
of the past. Some are thrown out, some are kept for
memories' sake, and quite interestingly, there would still
be some that you bring along for future plans. I've packed
my bags. And I've sealed the boxes in my garage. I've left
parts of me to close friends and special colleagues, and
I'm only bringing along my own personal baggages.
Memories are kept, and new ones are being woven as I
write this.
Moving on.
In the words of a dear friend, moving on is being able to
look back, feel back and live back without the pain of ever
wanting to go back. Simple words for a hard feat. I have
gone through great pains to leave a world of
disappointments and dismay only to find myself in the
same place again. Mistakes can happen twice over. And
lessons can be re-learned, right? If you fail and stumble,
just get up and try again. Wounds heal and scars fade. We
find a good grip on things and we try not to slip the next
time, that's how it is. I can honestly say my wounds are
healing but on cold nights and rainy days, they do hurt a
bit - still. But then sometimes pain is good. It reminds us
that we are alive. So once in a while during those rare
blue moons, I let my old self wallow in misery. Being
miserable is not so bad. In those times, you feel so sad
already that it couln't hurt any more. So sulk, indulge, let
the coldness and darkness engulf, it only goes better from
there.
Beginnings
Everything starts with that tiny first step. Just before a huge
avalanche, little stones start falling first. Prior to a
monstrous thunderstorm, we get some rain first. And just
before you hear thunder, you see a flash of lightning first.
Needless to say, when something ends, something else
begins.
I wrote this article quite unsure where my words would
take me. It has taken me from endings to beginnings then
back again. I play with these words as if I were unsure of
where to go. So I ask myself, where do I take off from
here? I haven't figured yet. But one thing's sure, I am
moving on. I have crossed over the road and stepped on
that sidewalk on the other side. I've closed my eyes and
breathed and knew it was over. As soon as I open my eyes,
I'm sure there's no other way but forward.

Let's go.

Hop Beaver Die!

2007-01-02T17:53:00.000+08:00

christmas with the bogas

2006-12-18T10:46:00.000+08:00

I saw my old friends last week. Old, in the sense na sila ang mga old timers na kasama ko nung mga panahong luka luka pa ko, at never silang nang-iwan, at old in the sense, na pare-pareho na kaming tumatanda at narerealize namin yun! Shet.
Mabelle, Richard and Blen (with Marie) were there. I met with them in Figaro, and as ever, I was the first one to arrive at the place. Mabelle met up with Blen and Marie in Alabang. At si Cardinal, he was soo late! Kainez!
We had coffee, then dinner, then coffee again, then beer. All these, done amidst clouds of cigarette smoke, old songs, good conversation, and hearty laughter.
My old friends and I, we go a long way back. We were together when we were all young and idealistic. We wove dreams together. We made plans happen. We were there when everybody was drunk. We stayed even when everyone else sobered up. We nursed hang-overs together. And when there were enemies, we attacked like a pack of wolves. There were times when laughter and tears go together, but we never chose to hang out anywhere else. My house was theirs. Their food was mine. And we lived a simple, pretty life. Like all things good and beautiful, it had to end somehow. People had to go out of the country. People get married, they have babies. I had to pursue a dream. Things change and people change. These days, the bogas, or at least, the bogas who are here in Pinas, try to meet at least once a year. Some things never change, be it the littlest of things. We still laugh together. We talk 'til sunrise. And no matter how the world has changed us so far, the friendship lies deep enough to relive if only for one night each year.

We sure miss the others whom we haven't seen in years. There's so much stories to tell. There's so much happening in our lives that it feels unnatural to not share it with people who have been there when even the deepest secrets seemed like a normal trivia that everyone shared. In 5 or 10 years, who knows what happens. I hope to spend more of my older years with you my friends. It makes me realize how youth can be such a very beautiful place to be.

see you later potpot!

2006-12-06T15:25:00.000+08:00

bye bye cindypotpot! see you later. good luck!

of boats and piranhas

2006-11-24T11:02:00.000+08:00

Sabi nila, "it ain't over till it's over." Fine, 'key fine. Alam mo sabi ko? 50% done is better than kaput. So ayan, tapos na unang hurdle. Nainterview na ko. Bahala na si batman kung anong gagawin nila dun sa mga pinagsasagot ko. Sabi nina Mayet at Shelly nung dumating ako sa floor, dapat pipiliin ko mga pinagkakatiwalaan ko. Sabi ko noon, sus naman ako pa sinabihan niyo nyan. Alam ko na kung paano iwanan ng mga kaibigan sa ere no. So ganun. So ganyan. Tuloy-tuloy lang. Ngayon ko na lang inisip ulit yung sinabi nina Mayet at Shelly. Dapat nga ginalingan ko pumili ng pagkakatiwalaan. Ayan natuto naman ako eh. Half-learning is always better than being an idiot forever.

Matagal-tagal na rin bago ako nakaramdam ulit ng kaba. Sa totoo lang, parang hindi nga ako kinabahan. Parang more of fear yung nararamdaman ko in the last 2 days. Sabi niYoda, "Fear leads to anger...and anger leads to..darkness" ba yun? Ah basta, alam niyo na yun. Hindi ko alam kung ano kinakatakutan ko. Para kasing nasa bangka ako. Nasa gitna ng dagat. Tahimik ang paligid at ni hindi umaalon ang tubig. Masaya na ako sa bangka pero alam ko darating ang araw na maghahanap na ko ng yate. So sagwan ako ng sagwan at nagpapanic na ko. Sa kaguluhan ko, baka bigla na lang tumaob ang bangka. At mahirap lumangoy ng mag-isa. Takot akong lumangoy mag-isa. Ang nakakatakot, marami pa yatang piranha sa paligid ko. Ingat ka jing, sa mga pinagkakatiwalaan mo. Magtiwala ka sa bangka mo. Magtiwala ka sa sarili mo at sa paglangoy mo. Pero ang piranha? Ingat ka.

Minsan naiisip ko kung bakit mabilis ako magtiwala sa tao. Kapag may nakikilala akong bago, 100% ang tiwala ko dyan. Habang nagtatagal kaming magkakilala, tsaka pa lang nababawasan yung tiwala ko. Dapat yata hindi ganun. Sabi nga ni papa, "Trust is earned". Magpundar ka naman bago kita pagkatiwalaan. Tsk, di na ko natuto. Pero hayaan mo, kahit madami kayong piranha sa paligid ko, parating na ang yate. May mga kaibigan ako dun. Matagal na nilang inaabot kamay nila para makaalis ako sa tubig. Kung ma-delay ang yate ko, don't worry me bangka ako. At yung mga piranha? Tsk, tsk, wag na sila umasa, di nila ako masasaktan.

and so it was...

2006-11-14T15:58:00.000+08:00

"Mauna na ako."
"Hanggang dito na lang ako."
...and it ended this way.

wheels are turning

2006-11-11T13:45:00.000+08:00

...click.
they started turning again.
these wheels.
in my head.
...click.
just like that.
keep 'em coming baby. let it roll.
i'm on fire.
motion without friction.
whirlwind.
fast and furious.
these guys keep my sanity.

Mt. Makiling - October 2006

Last October

2006-10-26T14:23:00.000+08:00

Almost a year ago, this happened to me. This time, it's almost happening again. What's this about history (fuckin') repeating itself? As a graduated historian, I should've known better, correct? You know what, I believe I did. But it wasn't my place to do anything about it. I went along with the tide the first time, not knowing where it'd take me because it was too strong to resist. This time, there simply was no choice. One morning, I woke and I was "it" again. Without a warning. No disclaimers. No...nothing.

The moment I heard, I really was too dumbfounded to say anything. And they mistook it as flattery. And nobody asked. Nobody wondered why I was not smiling. Why I didn't even say...thank you (for choosing me). For a while, I led myself to believe that it was something I should've been proud of. I am. But I don't think this is something I want for myself or for my career.

Sometimes I would really like to believe that it's a good thing to be a Mentor. You get trained to coach people. In a way, you are almost a a stone's throw away from being the "boss". Hah! That was what everyone was saying before. Until now, that's what's everyone's still saying. You know what, I was once vulnerable about it. Now, I've learned my lessons and I've learned them well. I don't freakin' believe them. Not now, not after what I've been through.

I had a career path then. I knew where to go, knew what was essential to be done to get there. I knew what goals I needed to meet to get where I wanted. And then they offered me with something like, "You need training. You need exposure. This will be a stepping stone..." And I, the quintessential vulnerable I, said, "Sure of course...thank you for choosing me."

That was the start of the end.
Sure there were perks.
Sure the bosses knew you.
Sure others agents respected you.
Sure you get to show the best you've got.
And sure you gain a lot of self esteem.

But then something went wrong and it was like all you've worked hard for suddenly crumbled to pieces.

We got ditched when they changed policies.
Lots of people lost their jobs.
I almost did.
All my friends lost their morale.
Promotions were blocked.
Suddenly the Mentors became sacrificial lambs in a corporate-political affair.
For a while we were without a leader.
No overtime pays.
Some didn't get their bonus.
Our actions and intents were questioned.
And subjected to an inquiry.
And we were left defenseless.
...But by God, I fought for it. I fought like hell till I could fight no more.
And I resigned from the company.
Yes I did. For a while there, I gave up on my career. For a while there, I was so disgusted with how the policies were being run. Someone didn't give up on me. A former boss. And so I transferred. I started all over. I reestablished myself, my work. I worked hard at it, and I knew I was loving this job a little more each day. And now here I am...

You got it. Mentor - again. Same time, same position. Different faces, same lines. What do I believe this time? I've been there and back. I ain't saying hell's happening twice over for me...but a good man knows when to turn his back and say, "No thank you", isn't it? A good man learns when to say no, how to say no. And why he says no.

That is something I have yet to learn.
God, don't let history repeat itself. Not this time.

I'm Okay

2006-10-23T08:05:00.000+08:00

I haven't been posting much. Not much things to say, that's why. Been trying to re-organize my life lately, after what seemed like a whirlwind sorta' lifestyle. For those who know what's really been happening, thanks for keeping my sanity you guys. I owe it up to you. Hainaco, anubah, what's new? Lemme just think for a bit.... Gawd ala talaga eh. Sure there's lots of plans in the makin but lately, I wanted to take things really, really slow... No pressure, no deadline, no fights, no bad feelings. No nothing.

Hence, lemme' just savor my day-off mode.
Yesterday, as soon as I got off from work, I hung out for a bit with my 'kada at work. Mayet, Khree and Porsh were there. I went home earlier than usual and had lunch at home with my sisters Con and Meng. Oh, Macky bro just arrived from the province to spend his sembreak here and he brought lotsa' food with him. Needless to say lunch was mucho fantastico!

At 2PM, I was kinda' feeling lethargic so I grabbed a book, went up to my room, played a jazz cd on my stereo and fell promptly asleep. Haha, I didn't even get to page 1 of my book, nor was I able to finish the first song on my cd. By 4, Meng woke me up for my weekly dose of entertainment - SFiles and The BUZZ! Promptly got up, and went down to the kitchen for a warm, sweet merienda of banana fritters. With milk and bananas on each hand, I splunked myself down on the sofa and used my toes to change channels on the TV via remote control. Not much chismis this week though. I got bored and helped Meng in making dinner (ergo, I told her what to cook, hehe).

Trinidad kids had a warm, long conversation over dinner of nilagang mamoy and some veggies. Macky, still didn't have a girlfriend. Meng is getting her first paycheck on the 25th, and was bullied into treating us to pizza and chicken next Tuesday. And Connie was still nagging me about being too fat. Duh, get a life Maria Concepcion! Hehe.

I watched a bit of TV after dinner, and boy was I lucky to catch an old Sharon Cuneta flick on PBO. I ended up watching Bukas Luluhod Ang Mga Tala from start to finish. Mr.A called just as the movie was ending and we had a pleasant conversation full of "I miss you's", "Get here now's", "Let's meet up's"...you get the drift, right? There were lots of laughter and smirking, it was a perfect way for two special friends to catch up. But at the end of 4o minutes cellphone conversation, I felt the absence more than ever. Okay, enough of that. My love life's been taking too much airtime lately... :)

I called it a night at 10PM and splunked myself on my new bed. I brought Mojacko (the sala stuffed toy) up to my room and hugged him all night long. I woke up at 5 to cook breakfast for my 2 sisters who had work this morning. Spent the first hours of Monday morning with a cup of coffee on my left hand while watching the news. By 7PM, I was busy doing some gardening. I didnt have any new plants, so I "borrowed" a few cuttings from my neighbors. Haha, for the love of nature, pagbigyan niyo na!

By 8, I took a shower, and by 830, I was..am blogging.

So.
Tsk, what a mundane lifestyle. But I can't say I'm complaining. In fact, I do think I'm loving it.
Or maybe not. Maybe I'm just nonchalant about it. Maybe I just don't care for now. Or maybe I'm just really taking it slow this time.
I dont know.
All I know is I'm ok. Not good, not better. Just ok.
Sometimes being ok is good enough.
I've learned not to ask for more, sure.
Because right now, everything is just ok.

shut up and kiss me

2006-10-02T11:52:00.000+08:00

There's nothing a little kiss and hug won't heal. Fight as we might, at the end of the day, it is you whom I share my life with. It is your face I see in the morning, and the last I glimpsed at last night. It is your hug I treasure, your lips I miss, your laughter I seek. Yes, fight as we might pangs, there's indeed nothing a little kiss and hug from you won't heal. So, shut-up right now, and kiss me.

cold morning

2006-09-09T10:29:00.000+08:00

...and suddenly you were gone.
I am, alone in a heart beat,
in the middle of nowhere,
wet, cold and treading,
and I have to swim ashore,
lest I drown...

until then,
my love.

let's talk

2006-09-07T21:38:00.000+08:00

Sometimes when we talk, I get to ask some questions. Sometimes you answer but oftentimes, you just stare at me. As if it were wrong of me to ask. More often than not, I ask not meaning to ridicule but in an effort to understand you better. I don't judge you by the answers you give. I just wanted to know you better.

Sometimes when we talk, I ask if I'm getting on your nerves again. You give me that sweet, sarcastic smile and tell me everything's fine. But at the same time, you tell me to shut up. I am not a loud person. I, too, sometimes have moments of solitude. I don't shout when I ask. I was merely wanting to understand.

Sometimes when we talk, I think of what to say first because it might be misconstrued again. You might get defensive again. I don't apologize for this. I ask direct questions, I don't want bullshitty answers. You don't wrap your poop in a candy wrapper, do you? But yes, I still have to be wary before I open my mouth. Because you see, I'm not here to fight.

Sometimes, when we talk, we don't talk at all. When I ask something, you don't have to answer as if I were an interviewer and you were my interviewee. Talking does not have to be an "answer and question" interaction. It doesn't have to be a debate. It doesn't have to lead to fighting. Don't you get it? We are just supposed to share ideas. We interact with our minds. We arrived at premises. We just you know, talk. Just talk.

Sometimes, we really ought to talk. I will ask questions, you see, they are inevitable. But I don't mean to ridicule. I just want to understand YOU better.

half a world away.

2006-08-30T12:10:00.000+08:00

"The worst feeling is knowing how much you love someone,

how much that person loves you back, how perfect you are together,

but for a million, unknown reasons, you can never be together."

- P.A.

We are on the same road again. Yet for a moment, I know this is different, somehow. This time, its not you nor I that's the problem. This time, it's not us fighting. Today, we face the same adversary. Today, we're swaying in the same beat. One song, one dance. One love. Fighting for it. Living for it. Half a world away.

And I ask, isn't this dejavu? Have we not expected to be separated half the time we had those major squabbles and debates? Have we not anticipated this after more than 3 years of enduring this masochism phenomenon called 'us'? Have we not?

We have. But nothing prepares you for the real thing, isn't it? Nothing.

The tears are just a teardrop away. The sad face just hides beneath a smile. The pain is inherent. But I remain. For what? For the best last week of our lives...

September 4 through September 9, in the year 2006. Let's make this work, somehow. For this time may be the last time. And if I had to carry any of our memories, I would hope to carry something that will make me smile. Half a world away.

Yes, half a world away - from you.

nasa byahe

2006-08-16T12:53:00.000+08:00

minsan sa buhay, nakakapagod maghintay. napakahirap magpasensiya. akala mo wala ng hanggan ang pagbibigay mo. pero sa huli, pag andun ka na sa lugar na pinangarap mo, hindi pala yun ang totoong hinintay mo. ang totoo, papunta ka pa lang, okay ka na. tama sila, nasa byahe ang sarap, wala sa destinasyon.

nung bata ako, nakipagpustahan ako sa nanay ko na sa UP ako magaaral. ni hindi ko pa nga alam kung ano talaga ang UP, basta naririnig ko lang sa tito ko na tiga-UP rin. nag-UP nga ako, pero wala dun ang hinahanap ko.

nung nasa kolehiyo ako sa ELBI, wala akong gustong gawin kundi mag-perform sa teatro. lahat ng venue nagawa ko na, pero wala akong pinangarap kundi magperform din sa Umali Hall, yung main auditorium namin. sabi ko sa sarili ko noon, one time big time lang, pwede na ako magpursige para grumaduate. nagperform nga ko. director at writer ko palanca awardee pa. pero di ako grumaduate.

pagpasok ko sa trabaho, sabi ko sa sarili ko, okay kahit anong posisyon, kahit kiss-ass muna ako. kahit di ko na magamit degree ko. at kahit di na ko magturo kahit yun ang plano ko sa karera ko, basta mataas suweldo. andito ako, okay fine, kumikita 'ko nang sobra sa kailangan ko. bakit gusto ko pa rin magturo?

marami sa mga bagay na pinapaniwalaan ko ngayon, parang nakaplano lahat. may mga bagay na gusto kong abutin, unti-unti kong inaayos para makuha ko. lahat ng ginagawa ko, lahat ng pagpaplano ko, lahat ng sakripisyo, lahat yan ay para matupad ko pangarap ko. pero minsan nakakabagot. nakakapagod maghintay. napakahirap magpasensiya. dahil kadalasan, kahit alam kong andun na ako, hindi pa rin pala ako masaya.

ganun.

one sunday

2006-08-06T10:40:00.000+08:00

I have been enjoying
moments of solitude.
I sleep anytime I want to
on the couch or on the bed.
On the floor even
And nobody would say
don't.
I won't have to bathe for 2 days straight
And I don't care if I flossed or not
I can just open a can of sardines
for dinner.
And eat the remains of it
for breakfast.
I don't have to check my phone
for messages.
I don't even have to pick up
when it's ringing.
I could leave my hair uncombed
And even enjoy my curls in the morning
I don't have to worry at all.
For today, it's just me and my god.

Some questions - Survey type

2006-08-05T05:47:00.000+08:00

anung kwento ng pangalan mo?
** Jennifer - From the actress Jennifer Jones. A day before my mom gave birth, she watched a movie with papa and it was the film St. Bernadette's Song. Muntik na ko maging Bernadette!
anung kwento ng parents mo?
** Mama's Nana hated my father. Donya-donyahan kase ang maternal lola ko at si papa noon ay isang hamak na titser. Solusyon? Nagtanan po sila and they had me. Tameme si Nana.
anung kwento nung 7th bday mo?
** Yun yata yung 1st bday ko away from home. Kami lang ni papa sa Cagayan with all his relatives.
anung kwento last bday mo?
** Awful. I spent my birthday on a bus ride going to Manila. Ay teka, the other year pa yun. But yeah, I spent it here in the Metro. Alone yata.
anung kwento ng 1st lovelife mo?
** Yong totoong lovelife? Yung di laro? Naku, so complicated. Walang linggong walang away.
anung kwento ng lovelife mo ngayon?
** Eh di ganun, refer to the previous answer... Yun pa din eh, ongoing. Shet.
anung kwento ng cellphone mo?
** Connie bought it for me. I lost the one papa gave me to a stupid snatcher. And Connie, my sistah in shining armor generously bought me a new one. Di ako nag request man lang ha.Beat that.
anung kwento ng computer mo?
** It's not mine. Forever squatter ako sa PC ni Connie.
anung kwento ng kwarto mo?
** Which room? Ngayon?E di I share it with Connie. Pretty dark even during noontime. Its my favorite place in the apartment kse yun lang aircon. That room holds a lot of secrets, ahaha.
anung kwento mo last christmas?
** Went home to Laoag. I spent my 1st Xmas bonus plus some buying gifts to even the most obscure relatives. I also planned the Noche Buena with Menggo and ended up paying for half of it. Masaya naman. Real bonding with siblings.
anung kwento mo last valentine's day?
** As ever, lumipas lang.
anung kwento ng sapatos na suot mo ngayon?
** Slippers. Binili ni mama last October. I went to Cagayan for lola's funeral at sa sobrang kakamadali ko, I wasn't able to bring all my personal stuff. Kasama na diyan ang deodorant, toothbrush, ayan tsinelas, etc...
anung kwento nung una mong nakita yung crush mo?
** Sino na nga ba yun? He is older by one year eh...si Max Von yata. Basta pareho kami ng crush ni Krystal. Yung crush ko kase, me crush na Jennifer din pangalan. Tinukso siya ng friends nya. Narinig ko. Sabi ko, "Yuck!" Ngek, di pala ako yun.
anung kwento sa yo ng nanay mo tungkol kay santa claus?
** Ay, bonggacious. I had the most wonderful gifts from Santa when I was a kid. Connie and I used to hang our socks sa sala. Super aga pa lang, punong-puno na. We were never told the real story about Santa but the idea just kinda faded away through the years.
anung kwento tungkol sa inyo ng bestfriend mo?
** love and hate relationship.
anung kwento nung last movie na pinanood mo?
** Sukob. Ang sarap sumigaw. Good Filipino horror film.
anung kwento tungkol sa huling lugar na pinuntahan mo?
** Robinsons Pioneer. Naglibot lang sa Handyman at bumili ng paint for the bathroom.
anung kwento nung last time na umiyak ka?
** Eh di kanina. Bad mood kami pareho. At walang nagbibigay. Goodluck, di ba?
anung kwento ng greatest achievement mo sofar?
** Achievement? Matagal-tagal din bago ko nakuha. Eight fun, memorable, melancholic, painful years. But when I finally made it, I wasn't the most proud about it. My family was. And that was what really mattered, I realized.
anung kwento nung huling librong binasa mo?
** The Last Don by Mario Puzo. It is my favorite bathroom read, so far.

its raining in my head

2006-08-01T09:28:00.000+08:00

Everything is wet. Everywhere its been raining. Even in my head.

Today, I got up and I felt cold. I hug the pillows, but they, too are cold. I wanted to make some coffee, but was too lazy to do it. And the fried rice was stale...and yes, cold. Where is this coldness coming from? Maybe its just in my head.

So I wander aimlessly in this highway. Trying to figure out what this emotion is for. Something I heard? Something I saw? Someone I know? Yeah, yeah... I'm just so apatheric to it already. Perhaps I shouldn't even be blogging about it. Para que? One of these days, I gonna break out of my shell and just let them see how I really am. One of these days, I'm gonna make people listen, and listen hard. But no, I can't afford that yet. Today, I can only afford being apathetic. I guess I need to save up for the rainy days. Even if its just in my head.

could be happier

2006-07-17T20:25:00.000+08:00

I have no excuse for not blogging for uh, quite a bit. Since I started more than a year ago, I have always been up to date with all the goings on with my life. So, what happened?

I couldn't find the time. It may sound flimsy, yes. See, I feel so dreadfully, awfully tired these days because I always seem to do a lot of things a lot of times. I always have people around me. And I guess, blogging, which has always been some sort of soul searching for me has never been an option because there were always distractions.

Aah, distraction. I so underestimate the word. Work has always been, uh, what's the word? Challenging? Yeah, I guess with the kind of work I do, it would be ridiculous to expect no pressure. So there, that's a given. Friendships and relationships have been a bit of a haywire lately too. I'm at this stage in my life where my old friends are already old enough not to plan out for gimmicks anymore, and new friends, in the meantime, do nothing else but go out without enough emotional exchanges. Love life has been, well...great, but it has been not without fights. Har har, what's new right? Well I guess one new thing about it is that we spend more time together now. Pipo stays with me at home most of the time these days. Don's ask why, but we seem to be in a kind of semi-live-in situation. Pretty big jump huh? The last time I wrote anything about Pips was I guess during the breakup. That was around May. Last June 1, we would have been in a 3-year relationship already. Last May 30, Pipo moved in with me. Tsk, rollercoaster relationships? Talk about a rollercoaster life! I think I'm happy. But I guess I could be happier. I guess I have not prepared fore this kind of situation but I don't want to complain. I love Pipo. I always have. Sometimes that's all that matters.

Now let's go back to where this post started. I have no excuse for not blogging. I am always tired. Sometimes I wish a day had more hours in it. These days, I just go to work, sell 'til my bones could talk no more. Work on my newsletter (oh, I am currently Editor-In-Chief, so I can't just quit it), then I have to wait for Pipo to finish work so we can go home together. We do some errands on the way home, grocery, bills, yada, yada...And by the time we get home, we're both poofed out of our eyesockets to even talk to each other. We do a li'l bonding with the kids (Meng & Mai). Give instructions to the maid what to cook for our baons. Go up to my, err, our room. And after a brief kiss and a hug, go promptly to sleep. Sounds simple enough? Oh wait, I was talking about a "perfect" day. This is how we do things when we're not fighting. God, how we fight. We haven't mellowed down one bit since college days. We still fight like there's no tomorrow. We fight about the littlest of things. I still won't give in because of pride. Ah, some things never change.

So finally, much as really don't want to miss a day's sale, I finally had to file for leave. As soon as my off took effect, I hauled ass to the PC chair and started writing this post. I intend to do all the things I love doing for next couple of days. I would be watching all the Friends episodes I can 'til kingdom come (thanks Jane for lending us the complete 10 seasons!). I would also be cooking dinner for Pipo and my sisters. I'd probably go to church for some quiet time. I will have to take the car for a carwash. And yes, I have to go with Connie to Quiapo for some dvd hunting. Then of course, Connie also took the piano home so I can jam with my good 'ol self. I intend to fiddle with the guitar too, especially since I have two kinds of guitars at home right now. And in the middle of all these, I plan to do a lot of chika-chika time with my siblings which I have been starting to miss these last couple of months. Aah, not bad, not bad at all.

Of course, by the time I get back to work again, I would have to do something about my schedule and rest-time. Pipo and I finally talked about this, but we didn't come up with any plausible plan. I guess relationships like ours really do take a lot of effort. After all, it has only been a month and a half since we moved in together. Maybe if I find the time, I would update this blog again. But until then, I would just have to keep trying. And trying.

I'm not complaining. I'm happy. But of course, I could be happier.

my sins

2006-06-24T11:49:00.000+08:00

Got this quiz link from Guardian Angel Acosta

Your Deadly Sins

Greed: 60%

Pride: 60%

Envy: 40%

Gluttony: 40%

Sloth: 40%

Wrath: 40%

Lust: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 40%

You'll die in a shuttle crash, on your way to your resort on the moon.

These are my sins...
So? Live life, after all, no one ever comes out of it alive! Forget some rules sometimes. Forget about norms sometimes. Do not confine yourself in a box. When we die, we stay forever compartmentalized. Be free. Sing as if no one was listening. Dance as if no one was watching. Love even if the whole world didn't care. Live this day as if it were your last. Breathe for each moment not knowing if it was the final time. Only then, shall you say, "Thank god, I'm alive..."

please

2006-06-18T10:50:00.000+08:00

i honestly don't know what to say. i have been on a temporary blog hiatus simply because...
simply because.
let's put it this way. i am content. i am okay. work is a little stressful these days. but heck, i get paid to do my job, so i am not about to complain, ayt? let's see...
mama is temporarily staying with us at the Metro. for some reason, papa and her are facing a problem that they should have had years ago. old parents shouldn't have to feel jealousy anymore. papa, of all people, is the most confident, secure and pride-ful human being i know and he shouldn't be feeling this at all. at this point in his life when he has so much achievements, and the family as stable as ever, why should he pick on my mother about a boyfriend she had 33 years ago? never mind that this ex boyfriend was a general. never mind that he is now an executive of a well-known telecommunications company. the reality is, mama married my papa and we all know how mama cherishes their marriage. for 28 years, i have seen how mama loved this family. i have seen her take care of her children and her husband. and i have seen her sacrifices to make this family complete. papa, on the other hand, has never been a jealous person - not as a husband, at least. the question that keeps racking my brain these days is why...
and so we talked, mama and i. everytime i go home, mama comes up to my room to talk to me. i let her talk, she says it lightens her load. connie talks to papa. i don't. it's not because i am, have always been, a mama's girl, but because i don't think their relationship is any part of my problems. i said to connie, "let's move on with our life, let them be". if mama wants to stay here, and papa there, what in this fucking world could i fucking do about it? nada, right?
but no. you see, my sister memeng is so affected with the situation. she has been so depressed that she actually fell physically ill these last couple of days. she has cramps, fever and headaches and she couldn't sleep at night. believe it or not, my sister who is the source of laughter and comic antics at home now resigns herself to slouching on the couch and staring at nothing. i call my brother macky who is with papa, and he has tears in his voice. he whispers on the phone and tells me to call him back once papa is out of earshot. it breaks my heart to see my younger siblings this way. more than anything, i treat them almost like kids because i have been the oldest sister to all of them. connie's tough, i have no qualms about that. if i do breakdown, i know she'd take over. but please don't let my kid sis and my only brother see my parents this way. i have always been proud of my family. with all shams and drudgeries in this world, my family have always been my wall of strength, my parents were my shield of security. take away my family, and i am left to nothing. break us apart, and you'll see me break down.
oh god, please don't do this.

why?

2006-06-08T08:33:00.000+08:00

why do you this? we all have worked so hard to make this work. god knows we've had enough pain to last for a long time. just when the wounds are healing and the scars are showing, you hurt us one more time. please stop. i don't want my family be shattered to pieces... please give this family a reason to stay together.

cliches

2006-06-07T08:39:00.000+08:00

Sister Con sent me a book of cliches. My thoughts on them:

Fun is good.

How can it be not? If it ain't fun, why do it?

To be or not to be.

That has always been the question. My answer? If it's fun to be, then be. Makes sense?

Live and learn.

In that particular order. If you learn first then live later, what's the purpose?

Live and let live.

Sure, why not?

Life is life.

Is it suppose to be something else in the first place?

_____________________

Life is messy.

Learn to organize!

Love comes around when doing the things you like.

Who cannot agree with this?

Smile. It makes people wonder.

So he said, "What are you smiling about?" And I go, "You tell me. "

It could be worse.

So true.

It will be worse.

And the gods were laughing...!

_____________________

Feeling bad is just a new sensation.

Kinda like sex for the first time only this time, it's emotional.

Tomorrow will be another day.

If you do the work I do, it ain't.

I will survive.

Sing it to believe it.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

What if it's night?

Midnight is where the day begins.

That's where it also almost ends.

_____________________

One day, I will wake up, and it will all fit together.

And I shall say, "Good morning sunshine!"

The waiting is the hardest part.

You can sleep while doing it, ok?

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Or at least the more they want to stay the same.

Wisdom is not truth.

It's the way you look at truth.

The truth is just as meaningful as the lie.

Both can be very painful, so be careful in choosing what to say.

______________________

When in doubt, consult your inner child.

What if he hasn't learned how to talk yet?

If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.

There goes artificial insemination, tsk.

Most people don't even know why they have to work.

So, pop question: Why do you?

When the work is done, I will have time for myself.

After all, work pays you. It shouldn't be confused with personal time.

Hurry when you have time, then you'll have time when you are in a hurry.

But never, ever forget to smell the flowers....my friend.

it's been a year...

2006-05-31T09:11:00.000+08:00

I turn one year today. So sue me, this is going to be a long post, read it or not.

I have been tending to my corner for exactly one year now. Friends, family and strangers have sometimes visited. A couple came back for a bit more. A few never left. I never intended to share my thoughts this way. I was never a person who shared life stories, much less personal views and feelings to people who didn't at least know my middle name and REAL name. I bet you don't know my middle name, huh? Don't worry sweetie, most of my friends don't. It's one of 'em little secrets I keep with no real goal but to add some sense of mystery to an already mysterious life.

Keeping up with this corner has left me breathless at times. There were months when all I wanted to do every waking moment was to write for and re-design my blog. Ironically, there were also times when I didn't know kaput on anything to write. I searched oceans and skies, 'til I even looked into cupboards and old boxes just to find something to write about. Believe me, I spent some sleepless nights trying to work out some topics in my head. It took me quite a moment to realize that unlike my non-ending theses from college, I didn't have to do research for this corner. This is one place where I can write without editing. This is one place where no one will grade me for a write up. This is one place where I can let me be.

So okay, for the last 12 months, I let myself be - and you may have been one of the people who was a witness to that. Have you been lurking by my corner from the time when I considered this my own? Or have you just dropped by now to see if you would want to stay longer? I talk, rant, adore, insult, wonder, and write about my life in this blog. People have dropped in and out, reading bits and pieces every now and then. Quite similarly, that's how I live my life too. People come and go in my life. I have had issues with goodbyes before. I never give anything up. Never giving up is one hell of a job to do. I paid the price, but now I think I've learned my lessons. I never give up these days. STILL. But now, I think I've learned to let go. Difference? You tell me.

In the last 12 months, I have loved, and was loved well. I have wanted to leave, but I ended up getting left. Irony of all ironies, I have also felt more loved than ever, when I was left alone to be by my lonesome.

In the last 12 months, I have learned that people need a reason to stay. Going away is not merely wanting to give up and let go, but also to distance one's self in an effort to understand things from another perspective.

In the last 12 months, I have come to realize that losing a grandparent is something that makes a grandchild feel she's no longer a child. And that she has no one to call her such, because that grandchild is now limited to being a daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin.

In the last 12 months, I have felt that there is never enough time to spend with family and friends. If there was, I am most certain that I have used up each second. Each millisecond. Each nanosecond.

In the last 12 months, I have managed to appreciate local TV listings simply because I find simple pleasure in watching Bulagaan in Eat Bulaga.

In the last 12 months, I knew that some bosses, no matter how high and mighty, can be a real pain in the ass, and that almost the whole world listens to these highs and mighties no matter how stupid they sound.

In the last 12 months, I have come to accept that no matter how I want my brother to stay with me here in the Metro, and finish in the same alma mater where I have, in the end, he just has to follow his own dreams.

In the last 12 months, I have let myself believe that I could quit smoking at will, but all too soon succumb back to the old habit, just because...

In the last 12 months I have come to accept that I, in fact, do snore (very, very softly). I never heard myself go zzzzz, but yes, I have a feeling I do that.

In the last 12 months, I have finally resigned to myself that even if I enjoy bus rides immensely, there's no way I'd sacrifice my own safety by riding the bus when I go to work. Calling for a cab everyday has been burning a hole in my pocket, but sheesh, my money better go to the cab driver than to hold-uppers.

In the last 12 months, I discovered that much as an alcohol drinker I may be or may have been, I am no match to tequilla. Give me a case of beer. Red horse, even. Give me piñacolada. Gin bilog or gin bulag. Lambanog. Siyoktong. Anything, even the devil's piss. But no tequilla for me please.

In the last 12 months, I have found out that while making out in the parking can be extremely exciting, and yes even kinky (ha!ha!-- don't read this mother!), it is nothing but a prelude to a scandal, or worse, disaster.

In the last 12 months, I have known who my real friends from college were. I was such a figure in college (yeah right!) that for a while, I was jaded on what real friendship meant. I'm still jaded these days, but I guess I'm slowly coping. Those who stuck by me - thank you.

In the last 12 months, I have believed in fate, destiny and plain coincidence, not necessarily in that order. But yes, things have happened sometimes for a reason, sometimes because they just have to, or sometimes even when they don't need to.

In the last 12 months, I have made this one choice. It's a very important choice but one which I can't say yet. Time will tell, you'll see. But yes, I have been the master of my fate. The captain of my soul. Needless to say, you'll know it beforeI tell you.

In the last 12 months, I have dreamed. Conquered some. Needing some. Living some. I have made the most of what I have, but that doesn't stop me from wanting just a tad more, one step at a time. Most dreams are still being woven. Most are in order. Most are to watch out for. No rush, not at all. Hey after all, 12 months is just one year. Next year, come by this corner again. Don't forget to smell the flowers.

A Weekend Bliss

2006-05-23T11:44:00.000+08:00

I have just come back from one of my best weekends for the summer. It was a blissful 2 days & 1 night spent with good company with good food in a good place. Laiya, Batangas. Aah, what a bliss. It didn't take too much an effort getting to know new people. It was 2 good days of frolic, fun and laughter. The bus ride going to San Juan was way too slow, I must admit, but with great friends on the way with you, the lazy ass-ed bus could take its lousy time for all I care. As ever, I find bus rides cleansing to my soul. I love cruising by SLEX, for it brings old, well-kept memories to the surface. I remember wild days of driving and racing through those highways while being dead drunk to alcohol and other unpleasant substances. I think of anticipated Sunday afternoons when I looked forward to going back to ELBI and to the friends and home I considered making there. I let the old times consume me, if only for a bit, because my mind with this memory is at its most vulnerable, - and yes, dangerous. Now, I feel my story digressing. ELBI life is for another post. I will write about it again, someday. But for now, yes, Laiya Batangas. We got to the beach after about 3 and something hours. For me, that was just on time because lunch has just been served then, and my stomach was just beginning to rumble. After luncheon was games for everyone who felt like getting wet either by saltwater or sweat. I felt more like playing my guitar. Oh yes, BIBI, my dependable new love came with me on this trip. So ignoring the water and the sun and the sand altogether, I got my songbook out and played to my heart's content. Toni and Marj, some of the guys I work with at the office stayed on either side of me and sang with me thru the afternoon. Time flies when you're having fun. All too soon, it was late afternoon and 'twas time to move to the sleep camp where we're staying for the night. After showering the day's heat off, we went to dinner at the pavillion near the beach and stayed behind for the bikini open. Much hoots, dances, claps, games and songs later, some people went back to their own cabins and retired for the night. Some groups opted to have some drinks by their huts, but majority of Boticelli, my new team, wanted to get a shut-eye. Toni, Marj, Joey and I decided otherwise. We trekked the hundred something meters from our suite to the tree houses in search of groups doing some alcohol bingeing. We happened by OM Tito and TL Eugene's group, where Lance, an old friend hung out too. Songs, dances, jokes, food, beer, tequilla, thoughts and secrets were shared amongsts new and old friends that night. Being bosses and subordinates did not matter. During the night, we talked and walked the intricate line of communication - open, frank, real. By the end of 2 cases of beer and a big bottle of tequilla, everyone had a dose of a good conversation. One by one, people dozed off and walked to their own suites. Everyone went except 5 - Toni, Marj, Joey, Fritz and I. We hung by the pavillion, talking. Good talks. Serious talks. Funny talks. We took a dip in the pool. More talks. Intimate talks. By dawn, we were well ahead of having a very good conversation, that we never noticed we haven't swam at all. We were just standing, or half-sitting, or in Fritz's case, splitting, while we talked. We have been staying in the water, soaking and marinating like nice fishes for almost 3 hours. By sunrise, we went to the beach to watch the skies. The water was calm. Fritz said that saltwater equilibrates and neutralizes the body. It supposedly eases tension. It might have been true, for I felt exactly just that while sitting in the shallow waters. That was a quiet moment. I felt relaxed. I felt easy. I felt at peace. The skies had a story for me that morning. It was as if it was talking to me. I felt awed by the colors. I felt more alive, if anything. I wish I had taken more pictures. But no, I left everything in the cabin for fear of losing or damaging anything if I got too rowdy or too drunk. I never got drunk. Tipsy, yes. Tamang amats, yes. It felt so nice to laugh again. You know the kind of laughter that bubbles from within and then bursts out as a hearty one is the kind of laughter that I have been missing most these last couple of months. I had lots of those in Laiya. Yeah, last weekend was lots of fun. I felt that I have been meeting all these new people for a purpose. I don't know what yet, but you'll see, in time, I will know enough to even write about it. For several days now, I have been anticipating for something. It's as if something real good is about to happen. I feel excited about something but I don't know what. I have been waking up with good thoughts lately. I don't know, maybe a surprise is waiting for me somewhere around the corner. I can't wait. Lemme' leave you with sky pictures that I took while going back home to Manila. Again, I don't know why, but I feel like the skies are about to shower me with good things real soon. I don't even ask why anymore. Maybe I just deserve to be happy - again. Yeah, I know I do.

Happy Birthday Mother

2006-05-15T08:40:00.000+08:00

It's my mom's 52nd birthday today. For the longest time while I was growing up, mama and I didn't get along very well. We had an eternal love-hate relationship that trancends the closest of bonds between a mother and child to a crazy, spasmosdic argumentative interactions that only enemies can survive. 27 years after, and still counting, we have finally gotten over that. Whew.
My mom is the best person in my world. She has seen me through the worst. She has defended me even when friends and sadly, even family members judged and scorned me. She has fought for me.
And 27 years ago, she has decided to keep me. For that, I am most grateful.
While my father is the main provider and decision-maker in the family, my mama is the strength and the strong-hold. She holds this family together. She may be perceived as the weakest of us, for she is always the first one to shed tears in altercations but her tears give us strength. Sometime in the past, in one of the most trying times my family has ever had to undergo, when all hell seemed to break loose, she was the one who endured it all. My dad gave up physically and succumbed to a minor stroke. My brother and I gave in to our anger and did not speak for 6 whole months. Connie, uncharacteristically became apathetic to the situation. And Meng spent more time with friends outside than at home. My mama was the one who managed to patch everything up for all of us. She was the one who, amidst the tears in her eyes, gave us the reason to smile every once in a while. She took the effort to make sure that life goes on despite the problems. She had to make sure food was still on the table by 7PM every night. She made sure that the kids still did their homework every night. She made it a point that Connie and I received our allowances on time. She saw to it that papa took his medications seriously. My mama, she took charge. It has been 6 years since. She hasn't stopped taking charge still.
These days, my family has endured and survived, and still surviving. We have gone back to the old status quo. My dad is as healthy as a carabao these days. Mac and I patched up our differences. Meng and Con, of course, only had to see that the family has healed and they have come running home. And mama? She's all smiles these days. She divides her time visiting her kids here in the Metro and working as a nurse as she considers it her stress-reliever. During the weekends, when she has to stay in Ilocos, she lovingly tends to her Euphorbias in the garden and gives papa his weekly pedicure. Every now and then, mama complains of minor aches, headaches, athritis or whatnot, and all of us, papa included, give a half-hearted panic as we secretly believe it's just mama making lambing to us. Mama has turned to be somewhat of a health freak lately and she has been dieting. Ironically, all the family members, including moi, are the fattest these days. As ever, mama never forgets to call and text me to watch my diet. She even monitors my sleeping time because she is afraid that I might get a stroke while asleep. Every month, she sends a box of goodies from the province, including fruits and our favorite recipes that only she could cook. These days, life just doesn't get any better with mama continuing to love us.
So there, its May 15 today, and it has been 52 years since God has given us this wonderful person that I call mama.
For you ma, I wish you a more well, and longer-lived life, a continously good health, and hopefully, your children could make you prouder than you already are of them. Happy Birthday Mother!

i am no virgin!

2006-05-04T14:48:00.000+08:00

I have 5 girlfriends at the moment. Among us 5, I am the only one who is technically, a...virgin. So, big deal, right? Whatevs.

One of them is a wife. Another is a pseudo-wife. The third has been a pseudo wife. And the fourth will be a wife. And the fifth? Me. So? Nothing.

It is not that big a deal, really. I have had my own share of naughtiness in my own wicked, wicked ways. But I guess I just haven't found the right person to make suko my Bataan yet. Haha, taena, parang dyologs na pakonyo na bazura yung last line na yun ah! So? Whatever.

I guess I got my line of thought geared to this topic as soon as we were done with our pizza bingeing at Park Square. My girlfriends and I love talking. Food, saliva and lotsa others fly from our dental orifices when we have talks over our lunches but it does not infuriate even the OC-OC moi. Ugh, gross, right? So?

Uh, so anyway, we were talking and the topic of the day was the mole on toot-toot's toot toot. And it turned out that "has been pseudo-wife's" former toot-toot also has a mole on his toot-toot. And sure, they began comparing. And while I left my mouth gaping, I sure hell don't know what they were talking about. (Of course I knew, technically, but...you know what I mean right? ). So there.

Now, I just realize that yes, I am indeed the only one left in the group with that little piece of H still intact. Eww. Eww? Har har, I find myself all smiles now as Im writing this part of this post. I'm stumped. I forget what I was going to say.

I guess for me, virginity is a state of mind. It is a perception. A feeling. Something that is just more than that little piece of hymen located in gawd-knows-where part of me. I mean, sir c'mon, I don't want to get too technical about it, because you know what? I sure don't find any freakin' difference between someone who society considers a virgin, and someone they dont. I guess it's not so much of a big deal for me. So?

Now, here is the catch. If virginity is indeed a state of mind, and my mind, as it is, is the mind of a wanderer who jumps at every oppurtunity to indulge in intellectual masturbation, then I can say I am not a virgin anymore. I have always been on the lookout for intellectual fucks and academic teasing. For all intents and purposes, I can say that my mind has been an intellectual prostitute. And for that, I am no virgin, thank you very much.

So. That's my two-cents piece on the matter. I just thought about this after lunch. And it's a good thought. Sporadic thought. Sporadic post. Yeah, just about the thing to blog about. Thanks for reading about my virginity. And yes, in case you misunderstood, I still have my H intact. Sheesh.

Hola Rara! Feliz Navidad Maimai!

2006-04-30T12:17:00.000+08:00

And so we just came back to the Metro from one of the hidden places in the mountains, and I know this post is darn late, and that I just haven't the time to write lately, and so this sentence is becoming too long so I'll just cut it... whew. Ano daw sinasabi ko? Ewan.

We got a nice surprise when Rara, one of my dearest cousins from Canada suddenly decided to come home for a couple of days of fun and frolic. The last time I saw him was about 8 years ago, and I always remembered him as this makulit kid na sinisipa lagi namin ng kuya Michael niya. Nge, ala lang, cliche this may sound, but yes, time indeed has moved fast, and I feel like my childhood is suddenly going, going, and then ...gone.

Oh ye, this is not about being all senti and whatnot, but I guess I am at a point when I really realize now that I am indeed the clan's eldest. Maternal and paternal and all extended relatives included, I have never ever met a cousin who was older than I am. For the longest time, I shunned my role to the family. I cavorted in the comforts of my childhood. I carried no responsibilities. I met no obligations. I have let people take care of me. And I, Marinella Jennifer B. Trinidad, has lived a freaking, outrageous, outlandish spoiled life. Until now.

Ye people, until now. I had to live this lifestyle for 27 years and not realize it. And it took my cousin Rara, who was what, 6 years younger than I am to make me stop and say, "Opps stop right now, thank you very much."

So to you my sweet darling Melvin Rae, gracias. Months would soon be years again that we won't be seeing each other but in my own way, I will be keeping you stuck in the sweet folds of my memory. You'll never know this, but ye, you struck a chord, and ye, you got me thinking into changing my ways.

Okay, next topic. Zeday eez mee favorita prima's boithdoi. Maimai, Feliz Navidad beybeh!
I dunno why you look so sad today (and yesterday too!) but I guess this has something to do with you losing your phone to that darned driver the other day. No matter sweetie. Tu mama eez getting you another one theez Tuesday. Consider it "the gift". Zo, in ze meantime, enjoy your day beecoz eet only comes once een a year mah dear. We're eating out laytah, and wee can have a feast then. Love you panget!

Okay, so there, I don't really feel like updating pa. I've been so busy with work and I'm kinda still tryin' to fit in with the new gang at the office. Oh, guess whut, I just love my new boss. We call her Bam. I guess after a series of unfortunate events with my recent bosses, fate finally decided to turn the tides eh? I am really looking forward to sharing the good times with the new people. I miss the old gang, yes. That's a given. But old, fond memories shouldn't keep us from making new special ones. Life keeps a hold to special things, and with the way I hold mine, I'm sure there would never be a day when I'd say I have forgotten. No way.

Have you noticed how this post was written without any coherent thesis? I'm writing whatever that comes to mind. It's so, so hot today. I'm so tempted to go up to my room and turn on my airconditioner full blast but I just got my Meralco bill. Fuck it. Ang mahal ng kuryente!

Hala, kung anu-ano na po sinusulat ko? Babay muna?
Aaah, sana umulan na. Nakakabaliw po ang sobrang sikat ng araw. Di niyo lam?
Pakyu. Ahihi. Dyok lang. Peace.

Okay, babay.

I Feel Complete But I'm O-C

2006-04-21T15:41:00.000+08:00

My whole family is here with me in the Metro for a couple of days. I feel complete.

My sister Meng is graduating from college and la familia Trinidad is here to celebrate it. I, as the eldest sister and pseudo-owner of the rented flat where we're staying, am doing her best, being in charge of what...almost everything. Hmm, as of last week, I've already taken care of the resort where we'll be heading this week-end. Lodging's reserved. Food's been planned. I only have to ask Fatee to go to the market and buy the stuff. Let me see..forgive me folks, allow me to just think out loud for a coupla' minutes. I need this. OC-OC me... waah!

Meng's shoes - check
Toga & Cap - check
Meng's dress - Papa, Mama, Mac and Meng are out buying it right now.
Hair & Makeup - asked Mai to check out the parlors at the
mall - details later tonight.
Post Grad dinner - tita Sheng is taking care of it - go over
the menu again.
Digicam - check - remind Mac to recharge it.
My leave from the office - check
Things to bring to the
Resort:
Monopoly Set - check
Mahjong set - check
Playing Cards Deck - check
Food - list down groceries and give it to Fatee by Saturday
morning
Portable MP3/CD player - check
Transpo - give Papa the gas money
Mama - remind her to buy a swimsuit
Sunblock lotion - remind myself to include that in the
grocery list
Connie - make sure I go over the directions with her
again

Ano pa ba...Maygad, bakit ba ko ganito! I feel like there's so much missing from my list but I'm too sleepy to think about it now. But then again, knowing that the list is hanging prevents me from even closing my eyes at all. I need to cure myself na. This is too OC for my taste.

Actually, Im really about to publish this entry now. But I had a sudden urge to alphabetize my list - or perhaps arrange it so that the "checks" are on top first. Eew.

the bathroom gimmick

2006-04-15T18:03:00.000+08:00

I call my most recent escapade the "bathroom gimmick". Why? Two reasons.

First, it happened in good 'ol Los Baños, which, if I remember my Spanish correctly, is the term for "bathing" (from the español word, bañar, meaning "to bath" or "to wash"). The second reason will be explained by the following cuento. I'm warning you though, this is going to be a long post. Alright?

Alright. So it happened on a very late Thursday evening after we pornstar** people learned that we won't be training for the next 5 (five??!!!) days. Ye, you got it right sweetie. Limang bwaka-ng-shet na araw na walang trabaho!

So I guess this was a perfect time for that long awaited gimmick for the mentors, right? Wrong. Most of the mentors at PBCOM have to work Friday and Saturday. As for me and Mel, we actually needed to go to sumwer-Laguna before Saturday because we both needed to find a place for our las familias' gimmicks for next weekend. So although the perfect scenario was to get all the mentors gimmick with us, we set to go on Friday afternoon with Lance, Blue, Louie (Lance's significant other), and Alfonso (Mel's labidabs).

No, I wasn't too OC with the preparations. And yes, I did everything hurriedly, with not so much time to pack and re-pack and then some like what I do with most of my trips. I actually slept as soon as I got home and crammed packing as soon as I got up.

Meeting place was at Ayala-Makati of course, and although I lived the farthest, I was the first to get on site. Blue, who lived the 2nd farthest came in next. And the 3rd was Mama Mel, which of course set the trend that the person who lived the nearest (Lance!!) arrived the last.

Mama Mel was driving the truck (yes, a truck like an elf - picture this, yung pangdeliver ng mineral water), with Alfonso right beside her. The rest of us stayed at the back, at sus mio, sumisigaw kame para makapag-usap. Route was EDSA-Alabang-Expressway and you know how buses and trucks would race by along those roads, right? And friends, believe me when I say na namanhid ang mukha ko sa lakas ng hangin, at ang kulot kong buhok, esponghado at parang naka tease sa pagkatayo. So I guess you get the picture, but lemme show you some pics at baka naman napakapangit nung inimagine mo.

As soon as we got to Pansol, we knew we needed to find a resort to our liking really fast coz people were queueing already. Haggling our way for a private resort was so out of the question since people would practically shove to be in our place. Prices were ridiculously expensive and the whole place was literally crawling with gimekeras and familias all set to spend the holiday immersed in pools.

After checking out at least 5 places, we ended up in a pathetic place called Castillo Royal or something. It was not even a private sanctuary. There were 3 pools (they're occupied to the hilt, so it doesn't freakin' matter!), and the only room we could get was a pathetic, dimly lit, fan-aired, 1 bed, with pockmarked walls space. Sabi ni Louie, me nahuli pa siyang ipis. The price, in all fairnessm was not so expensive as in 5-star galore... We actually paid 1720Php for the lodging and entrance, pero naman!

We stayed in the pool for just about 30 minutes and we had to harass other people (especially kids) so they won't dare get in with us. Blue was actually yelling, "May sakiit akoooo!!" And I would shout, "Gonorrhea!!" just to disgust people and keep them off OUR pool. For the kids, who may not understand the STD term, we yelled something like, "Malalim, malulunod ka! Nakakamatay dito!" We eventually stopped coz people came in gazillions after that. Shet na Castillo Royal yan, dapat magpagawa sila ng wanmilyon pools!

Anyhoits, we went up to our room and drank a couple of beers. Now, that was fun. We actually tried to wait until all the other people got tired and went to sleep so we could have the pools to ourselves. Hmp, fat chance. We got tired and I decided to get a shower already. Now this was where I started feeling the clues that this was to be called my bathroom gimmick. For some freakin reason, this particular resort had no H2O in the 2nd floor bathroom where our room was. I went down to the first floor. The 1st floor bathroom didn't have a door that closes though. It was the kind of shower room meant for wetting the suit or the body before swimming. Not for actually bathing.

For the love of god, I had to do what I need to do. So with my eyes glued to the semi-opened door, I stood under the shower (with eyes opened talaga!) in my birth suit. I had to keep my towel nearby so I could cover myself in a worse-case scenario. The thing was, my towel soaked with me. I wouldn't say I had enough time to actually rinse myself of soap and shampoo and conditioner. In fact, I couldn't remember now how I actually bathed. Parang di na nga yata ako nagshampoo. It couldn't have taken me more than 5 minutes! Bwaka-ng-shet no?

And then I went back to our room where we had to fit 6 gorgeous people on a bed meant for 2. Come morning, I couldn't say I had a good night's sleep. I could say the others felt the same way. Swarms of swimmers were still in the pool and though we still wanted to swim, we felt uncomfortable sharing the small pools with strangers. We needed to check out by 7AM lest we get charged additonal. I said, "Let's get the hell out of here."
I took the whole group to my favorite "alma mater", YUPI-ELBI. Most of us were hikers so I was thinking of taking them to flat rocks or botanical or somewhere. Botanical was closed but we actually had the whole mountain to ourselves so we had breakfast there. We had a round of volleyball and then some. And then like some sudden inspiration hit me, I thought of "Pook ni Mariang Makiling." OMG, how can I forget. I spent one of my wildest, wildest days there sometime in my past. Aaah, eto na, me memory gap na si Jing.

So akyat kame sa kabilang bundok, at shet, when we saw the place and the lodging prices, we had to shake our heads. For a measly thousand bucks, we could have had a cottage with 2 rooms, 6 beds and a veranda. For 40Php per pax, we could swim in the Olympic size pool. And for 25Php, we could wander aimlessly in the virgin forest reserve for the whole freakin day. Hay sarap.

So ayun, nagpaka-negra nako buong araw. So ayun, swimming dito. Swimming doon. At tinuruan pa namin ni Alfonso si Mama Mel mag-treading. So ayun, nag-hike kame at umakyat sa view deck. At naglaro pa kame ng "Tulisan at Ace Vergel" habang nasa forest kame. Tapos kumain kame ng banana con yelo. At adobo at embutido sa "Kainan ng mga Diwata." At shet, nag-sunbathe ako at nakatulog habang bilad sa araw!

Now the entire day could have ended fabulously if I only left the pool just a couple of minutes earlier. But no, when Blue left the pool at around 4PM, Mel and I decided to stay coz I was teaching her how to tread water. I also wanted to practice my strokes. So we stayed for around 30 minutes more. By 4:30, we decided to call it a day and start showering. Pagdating sa banyo, maniwala't hindi, walang TUBIG. Actually, nag start na kame maligo. Pero nung may shampoo na sa palad ko, ayun na! Wala na... Tang-ina! Kahapon pa ko di nagshashampoo! Anong akala niyo sa buhok ko, perpekto??!!

Mama Mel went to Alfonso who was in the Men's bathroom. Me tubig daw doon. Alfonso offered to be a lookout so Mama Mel and I could have some privacy. 2 problems : the men's CR had 2 entrances and; (hang on to your seat) it had no roof! Finally, Alfonso managed to talk to some guys outside to help him explain to the other males that some girls were to use the bathroom. Hay, privacy, finally. Pag -on namin ng faucet at shower, may konting tubig pa. Miya-miya, ni hindi pa kame gumagalaw, tumigil na rin ang tubig... Sa totoo lang, give up na ko. Shet, kung panata ko ang di pagligo, sige na, gagawin ko na!

I went back to the Women's bathroom, and with a tabo-full of H2o, I rinsed and washed my vital parts as best as I can and promptly dressed.

On the way to Manila, I finally realized how funny the situation is. I haven't been taking a bath properly for almost 2 days already, when I was supposed to be in a place that means "bathrooms". I almost didn't care coz home was just 2 hours away, and I could then soak til eternity when I get home. Something couldn't wait however. Somewhere in Calamba, I had to take a leak. I asked Alfonso to stop in the next gas station.

We stopped at Shell. I got down from the truck and went to the CR to do my deed. It should only have taken me around 5 minutes. Ten, at the most. It feel surreal that when I finally was able to relieve myself, I found myself locked in the CR. The doors would not budge, man. The locks were jammed. Waaaahh. Taeng mga banyo to, inaaway ako....

Kala ko niloloko ako ni Lance or ni Alfonso. Kinakausap ko pa sila na wag na nila hawakan knob sa kabilang side. Matagal-tagal din yun..tumatawa pa ko kunyari kase akala ko nijojoke nila ako. Hinde pala! Putsa, sira ang putsang knob!! Buti na lang naalala ko na dala ko cellphone ko. Tinawagan ko na sila. At tinawag pa ni Mama Mel ang mga gas boys. At eto, nung andun na yung mga gas boys, gumana na ulit ang door knob! Shit, pinahiya lang po ako ng door knob, bow!

Okay, now I'm still trying make sense of my bathroom escapades for the last two days. Funny that it should happen in a place called Los Baños. It has been a while since I last visited the place. This place holds a lot of sad, melancholic and nostalgic memories for me. And I wonder if the gods conspired this time to make me remember Los Baños as one happy, funny place. Ye, I think that's it. Hihi.

Burnt Bridges

2006-04-10T10:10:00.000+08:00

It's probably my fault this time. And I am not making excuses. I'm facing this head on.

I burn bridges. One of my friends recently pointed this out to me. There was a time when I held on to my past so dearly. I clung to old friends, old feelings and old memories that I've had a difficult time moving on. Not this time. I'm burning bridges baby.

Please don't hate me. I'm doing this because I think I deserve it. I have never ever denied that I was, I am, and will always be selfish (aren't we all?), and I need to love myself more than anything. Or anyone. Nobody wants to be hurt. No one wants to continue hurting. I've had my share. You've had yours too. More so, in fact. But I want out.

Why?

And you wondered why I put the phone down when you asked that. I couldn't answer. No answer can justify what I've done. Emotions and feelings are never justified. They are just there. You feel it. It grows on you. It eats you. It kills you. My emotions killed me. And I want out.

Little by little, I know this shall soon pass. And I can only hope that you find happiness as I find mine. We will continue with this journey, albeit separately, and who knows in time, the roads will probably cross again. I can never thank you enough for all the good things we've shared. I will always be grateful for the love you gave. For one last time. let me tell you I love you. But that was never the question, wasn't it? It never was.

Until then babe.

To The Mentors

2006-04-03T04:25:00.000+08:00

It has been an honor to have worked with you. To the remaining Ravens, breathe, live, and be proud to be a mentor. Now we know what the corporate world is like. No matter. We have the skies to conquer. Fly high Ravens! Fly as one. Till then.

Spoiled ako! Yey!

2006-04-01T02:27:00.000+08:00

Di ko alam na matatapos ngayong araw na to ng ganito. Pumasok ako, halos pilitin ko sarili kong bumangon. Halos mag-absent na naman ako sa trabaho. Pero bumangon ako. Kumain. Naligo. At oo, pumasok ako. Buti na lang andun ang mga kaibigan ko. Si Mama Mel. Si Lance. Si Madge. Sila kasama ko buong gabi. Sa gitna ng trabaho, pasaglit-saglit na usap. Manaka-nakang tawanan. Ang buong gabi ay puno ng nakaw na tsismisan ng mga magkakaibigan. Masaya.

Pero sa likod nito, alam naming malungkot. Lilipat na si Madge. Nag-resign na ako. Pasunod na rin si Mama Mel at Lance. Sabi naming lahat, " So what!" Okey, so tuloy ang kuwentuhan.

Nagkukuwentuhan pa din kame nung lumapit ang boss. Tinawag ako at si Lance. Sabi namin, "Kami lang ba?" Sheet, nakakatakot yata to ah. Pumasok kame sa office ng big boss. "Lance, bad news yata to ah."

Sabi ng Operations Manager, "You have a choice to transfer to Onstar."
"What?"
"What about my resignation...?"
"They need 2 people...I thought it best to offer it to you guys first."
"Think about it. I will be here till later..."
"Give us a couple of hours, boss..."
"Oh, by the way, regarding the problem/case with HR, nobody in the team is gonna get sanctioned. We will just let bygones be bygones. It was nobody's fault anyway."

Silence. Ano daaww??
Balik ako kina Mama Mel at Madge. 2 slots lang daw..
Pa'no na to..Pa'no si Blue...Si Mac naman magreresign na no matter what...
Shet, pa'no si Mama Mel?? Usap ulit. Usap sa CR. Usap sa pantry. Usap sa office ni Miss Carlynne na ginawa na rin naming tambayan ng staff ng Bubbler Newsletter. Me isang napaluha. Tapos dalawa na. Mamaya, kanya-kanyang punas na kami ng mata. Puwet ng indio, shet.

So ayun...di ko lang namalayan talaga ang sumunod na nangyari, pero this time di na kame pumayag na dehado na naman kami. Kailangan namin ng 4 na slots. Apat! Sabi 2 lang pwede. Ayaw, di ako papayag.

Bago natapos ang araw, di ko alam kung paano nangyari, pero ganito:
Una, nalaman ko na nanalo case namin sa HR.
Pangalawa, pinagbigyan yung request to transfer to another office/account.
Pangatlo, nagretract ako ng resignation, at tanggap agad, alang problema.
Pang-apat, pinayagan ang 4 slots sa paglipat, samantalang 2 lang ang kailangan.
Pang-lima, nakapagplano kami ng Boracay trip habang nangyayari lahat ng ito. At wagka, piso lang ang roundtrip ticket! --> ha?

So, ano, spoiled ako no? Bait Niya, sabi na nga ba't nakiking Siya sa dasal eh. Tenkyu!

Feeling Freshman

2006-03-29T22:08:00.000+08:00

Sabi ni joey, grumaduate daw kami ng hayskul 10 years ago today. Ganun na ba katagal? Oo, ganun na katagal. Dami na lumipas, dami na dumaan. Maraming nagbago, maraming nawala. Marami sa mga kaibigan ko noon, di ko na alam kung nasaan ngayon. Naubusan, nawalan na ako ng mga balita. Kunsabagay, college pa lang, nawala naman talaga akong parang bula. Ang huli kong yapak sa Pisay, yun yung unang Alumni Homecoming nung 1st year college ako. Ewan ko ba kasi kung bakit napadpad ako sa YUPI-ELBI nung kolehiyo. Pero ibang istorya yang Elbi na yan. No regrets naman, kumbaga. Pero saka na ang kuwento dyan. Mas naiisip ko ngayon ang hayskul. Ang weird nga eh, parang lumipas lang sa kin ang Pisay days ko na parang panaginip. Di na klaro sa kin ang maraming memories nung panahon na yun. Weird nga eh, kung tutuusin, feeling ko yun yung time na pinakamasaya ako. Pero parang ang labo na talaga ng memories ko ng Pisay days ko. Me nahanap ako na V8 tape na kinunan nung hayskul days ko. Sa dorm kase ako tumira nun, so every night, me iba't-ibang tripping mga kasama kong estudyante dun. One nigfht, naisipan naming magkuhanan ng video. Napanood ko ulit lately lang. Mukhang ang saya-saya ko sa video. As in. Pero habang nanonod ako, pinipilit ko ding hukayin ang utak ko sa kahit konting alaala man lang ng gabing yun. Wala talaga. Shet. Siguro me tama na utak ko sa daming toma at yosi nung college sa Elbi. O siguro, me epekto na rin yung walang puknat kong night life nung college ako. O kaya, naapektuhan na talaga ang utak ko sa mga maraming emotional rollercoasters na sinakyan ko. Kumbaga, nag-compartmentalize ako, at yung ibang isinara kong parts ng buhay ko, di ko na naalalang buksan ulit. Heavy ba? Ahihi. Kukuwento ko sana kung anong mga emotional rollercoasters tong mga to, pero nakow, ibang kuwento po ang college life ko. Ibang kuwento ang Elbi. So ayun, 10 years ago nga, grumaduate ako hayskul. Napakatagal na pala talaga. Marami na kong nakita. Maraming narinig at napakinggan. Medyo malayo na din ang aking mga napuntahan. Pero sa totoo lang, hindi ganun kalaki ang pinagbago ko. Naalala ko tuloy yung sinabi ng isang napakabuti kong kaibigan. Sabi niya, "Lahat tayo, freshman sa buhay. Laging nangangapa. Laging me pagbabago. Lagi tayong me matutunan." Matagal na niyang sinabi yun. Sabi ko sa kanya noon, "Mali ka." Sabi ko noon na perception lang ang pagiging "freshman". Nasa pagdadala yan. Sabi ko noon. Pero ngayon, ewan ko ba, kainin ko na lang siguro yung sinabi ko. Sa tinagal-tagal ng panahon, pakiramdam ko marami pa ko dapat matutunan. Me patutunguhan na di ko naman alam kung saan. Laging parang kung kelan komportable na ko sa sitwasyon, kelangan ko na ulit umalis at baguhin lahat. Parang meron pa akong hinahanap. Ewan. Ayon, napahaba yata ito a. Si Joey kse eh, kung anik-anik pa ang naaalala. Kunsabagay, masaya talaga ang hayskul. Lalo na sa Pisay. Me sariling mundo kami noon. Me sariling mga pangarap. Sampung taon na lumipas. Pero feeling ko Freshman pa din ako. Ano daw? Labo. Basta, ganun.

*** Nakikinig ako ngayon ng The Freshman ng Verve Pipe. Nagpaka senti na ang Jing! Nakow. ***

relics of the past

2006-03-26T02:52:00.000+08:00

Taken years and years ago. 1993.
Pisay. Sophomore. Ylang-Ylang.
Happy. Peaceful. Bliss.
Friendship. Dreams.
A Memory.

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. ~From the television show The Wonder Year

Anger Management 101

2006-03-25T04:21:00.000+08:00

I do not justify anything. I never do. My friends do not require explanations; and my enemies would not listen nor understand anyway.

I know that respect is mutual. And that if I don't respect others' viewpoint, chances are they won't acknowledge mine. Yes, there may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest. Respect is not belittled when you are only doing what you think is right.

If you prick us, do we not bleed?
if you tickle us, do we not laugh?
if you poison us, do we not die?
and if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?

But then again, I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man. I will show a little bit of my anger everyday instead of showing a lot of it on one day. In the end, the best way to beat my enemy is to beat her at politeness.

ticktock

2006-03-20T02:57:00.000+08:00

It was a time bomb ticking. Ticktock. Tick-tock. Days, minutes, seconds. It was just a matter of time. I filed for resignation already. 30 days, and I'm out. Am I joining the bandwagon? It's a chariot, sweetie. A grand, golden carousel on wheels. And them kings and queens ride it. That's where I'm riding. Them kings and queens...they lived happily ever after.

so, what's wrong with these pictures?

2006-03-18T10:50:00.000+08:00

How do you think? I want to get to know my readers. So, what's wrong with these pictures? Is there, at all? Which one do you like best? The one you like the least? Why? Play with my mind. Mess with my brain. Let's get all academic and goofy at the same time. Yes, let's. Most of us are visual people. Now, tell me what you think about these.

erratic ponderings

2006-03-13T07:58:00.000+08:00

My middle back is killing me. Pipo tells me its stress.
I haven'd had a footspa for the longest time. I think my feet are asking for one- right now!
As usual, I am once again looking forward to my badminton session at Pioneer later. Time to sweat it out, Siyoktong.
I've been having amazing dreams for 2 consucutive nights now. I tend to wake up with a smile these days.
I just incurred my 1st unofficial absence from the office in 1 year and 3 months. I'm printing my resignation letter real soon.
"Freshman" by the Verve Pipe is playing on the Mac right now. God, I miss my Ikot friends.
I would love to feel an adrenaline rush if only for one more time. I feel bored outta my wits.
The anger is seething just below the surface. I'm ready to explode anytime.
The world buys success. Bosses, no matter how incompetent are revered. Yuck.
Pandora's box has opened. I saw it. I felt it. Hope is about to come.
Alex just passed by my desk, and he was whistling. I miss my father, he whistles , thats why.
I just ate a whole pack of Corn Bits - somebody flush-out this garlic-ky, pungent smell outta my dental orifice!
I just drank a whole bottle of packed iced tea. And now, I need to go to the CR.
Bye for now...(you know where I'm going)

fly high ravens...

2006-03-08T01:46:00.000+08:00

Ravens - large black birds associated through history with mischief, darkness, and melancholia. While it is flying within its territory, the raven is a friendly, unsuspicious bird. When it is nesting, however, the raven is wary and secretive.

In popular western literature, they symbolize darkness, depression, and death (popularized in Edgar Allan Poe's poem, 'The Raven'). In medieval times they stood for virility. Among native cultures, Raven is the 'trickster' spirit, a popular totem, and the creator of man, who placed the Sun in the sky.

...and thus, the Ravens were defined. But as you may, these are but definitions - enclosures of a limited mind. We know better Ravens, and its time to prove it. Fly high, amigos.
Fly high...and be free.

jing: defined

2006-03-06T07:26:00.000+08:00

jing --

[noun]:

A master blogger

Arena

(known to self and others)

confident, independent, intelligent, logical, observant

Blind Spot

(known only to others)

able, accepting, adaptable, bold, caring, cheerful, clever, dignified, energetic, friendly, happy, helpful, ingenious, knowledgeable, loving, mature, modest, organised, patient, quiet, relaxed, searching, sensible, spontaneous, trustworthy, warm, wise, witty

Façade

(known only to self)

sentimental

Unknown

(known to nobody)

brave, calm, complex, dependable, extroverted, giving, idealistic, introverted, kind, nervous, powerful, proud, reflective, religious, responsive, self-assertive, self-conscious, shy, silly, sympathetic, tense

All Percentages

able (11%) accepting (11%) adaptable (11%) bold (11%) brave (0%) calm (0%) caring (22%) cheerful (11%) clever (11%) complex (0%) confident (11%) dependable (0%) dignified (11%) energetic (11%) extroverted (0%) friendly (22%) giving (0%) happy (11%) helpful (11%) idealistic (0%) independent (11%) ingenious (11%) intelligent (22%) introverted (0%) kind (0%) knowledgeable (44%) logical (11%) loving (11%) mature (22%) modest (11%) nervous (0%) observant (22%) organised (11%) patient (11%) powerful (0%) proud (0%) quiet (11%) reflective (0%) relaxed (11%) religious (0%) responsive (0%) searching (11%) self-assertive (0%) self-conscious (0%) sensible (33%) sentimental (0%) shy (0%) silly (0%) spontaneous (44%) sympathetic (0%) tense (0%) trustworthy (33%) warm (11%) wise (11%) witty (33%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 12.3.2006, using data from 9 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view siyoktong's full data.

blog cloud

2006-03-06T03:06:00.000+08:00

Joyeux Anniversaire Memot!

2006-03-03T13:37:00.000+08:00

This is Memot, my 2nd sister. She never reads my blog, but now I'm giving her a reason to. Today is her 21st birthday. I refuse to greet her in any way except thru here. [okay, fine, I did text her as soon as I got up last night - but aside from that...] I digress.

Memot is like the heart of the family. Siya lang ang malambing sa 'min. Siya lang din ang madalas magtampo. Meng is the one closest to the parental units among us siblings, specially to papa. The best sila maglambingan ng papa namin, kaya it follows na the best din silang magtampuhan.

Meng is always the first to cry whenever Con and I have our serious rifts. She has never been one to take sides but you always feel her sadness whenever something is amiss with the family. Lagi patok jokes nito sa bahay, lalo na pag umuuwi kame sa probinsya. Conversations in the dining room [where the Trinidad's are most often seen] are usually orchestrated by her. Pati pagpili ng handa for special occasions like Christmas and New Year, siya na rin nasusunod. Naming of pets automatically falls to her. All our dogs were baptized by Memot.

Here in Manila, where we try to live a pseudo-home with Con and Mai, Meng is in-charge of all finances. She may be the youngest of us sisters but Fatee, our maid, goes up to her whenever there are house decisions to make. She gets to keep the house money or funds as we call it. Only Meng knows where to find which. The moment Fatee goes on vacation, it is Meng who makes sure dinner is ready by the time we get home.

Wow, shet Memot, binenta na kita kabs! Today is your 21st birthday sweetie, and I just wish you the best of everything. Mwah! Love you!

Happy Birthday.

Sad News From Pisay

2006-02-28T20:22:00.000+08:00

I love my alma mater. I lived within the walls of Pisay for 4 of my adolescent years. I breathed, and lived Pisay and despite the rigorous academic training I received from my mentors in the early to mid 90's, I can say that I would not want to live that part of my life any other way if I had another chance.

I first received word of the sad news maybe a week ago. I took it lightly at first wth a mild tsk tsk and a slight shake of head. For some reason, I found it hard to believe that it might actually be true. But as the real thing unfolded, and as the authenticity of the news was established, I found the truth to be more and more appalling.

Yeah, we all had our "wild days" in highschool. There was the infamous arson incident with some Meson guys (our 4th year section) plus the boy's dorm incident of smearing human feces on the dorm manager's bed. There was the typical wee hour strolls around campus and the escape from the dorm via a rented FX. There was already smoking in campus during my time, but I guess these were sporadic and more out of curiosity than anything. I remember one of our batchmates unscrewing the hinges of the classrom doors so that it would fall on the earliest person to arrive for class. I know of some people who ransacked a friend's wardrobe and cut all pieces of clothing he had.We had some stealing, we had bullying. We also drank liquor back then. Some of my friends already use pregnancy test kits then. One way or another, we've had our own skeletons in high school. But this? I just couldnt take it. Who the fuck puts a ph 1 acid in someone's jug??

I find this difficult to accept simply because I was one of the people who drank from Colemans (in the front lobby) during my time. Pisay students, of all people should know that fucking ph 1 acid (like concentrated nitric acid) could be deadly especially if you mix it with H2O. Which now brings up the question: Was this incident a case of frustrated murder? If it was, then things have really changed a hell lot since my day.

And now I can only shake my head again and do a mild tsk. Shit, what's happening to Pisay? I feel as if my home is in chaos. Pisay admin, please do somethin. The alumni are waiting for directives. We can help. Let us.

camwhoring

2006-02-22T14:12:00.000+08:00

I have a love-hate relationship with the camera. Sometimes I can be a true-blue camera whore - projecting, ya know, feeling and looking fabulous no-mataahfakin-whaut. But there are days I can just look like total grinning shit. Now, who among my friends and readers will know the diffrence, huh? Here are some pics of moi, with a couple of good days, and a couple of bad days of cam whoring.

Can't have enough of me, huh? Bleech.

Usapang Shoes

2006-02-20T10:34:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I just need to put reins on my emotions no? Sometimes I let go of the anger too fast that I forget to rationalize anymore. Okay, enough cerebral and emotional discussion for now.

I decided to drown everything that I've been feeling for the last couple of days through physical exhaustion today. I'm playing badminton again, and I'm planning to play for the whole afternoon. I need this. I need to exhaust myself, to pour it all out, to give all that I've got, coz I'm so tired of this mundane thoughts already.

One dilemma though. In the past, I have always managed to get myself a sprained ankle. Both my ankles are no virgins when it comes to sprains and twists. My left one has been sprained 3 times, while the right, 4 times. And lately, during my previous badminton sessions, I've always felt a painful sensation on the heels of both my feet. I thought it was because of my trainers shoes. So today, I decided to use my runners instead. If the pain comes again tonight, Im buying a new pair.

That's the dilemma. Which pair, folks? Choose for me?

or

or

or

Let The Games Begin

2006-02-18T06:55:00.000+08:00

I dont give a fart on who you are or what you freakin do, but I just dont like you. You are the bitch of all bitches and I find it so freakin difficult to respect a bitch who does not deserve even a moment's glance from me.

Are we close? No. Most likely never will be. You know why? I dont like you as a person, much less as my boss. You give the term boss a bad name, You fuckin stain it so bad, I can almost see the taints on your ugly face.

Who do you think you are? You dont put yourself above us simply because you were assigned to lead us. You better give us enough reasons to follow because otherwise, hypocrisy is gonna be my cup of tea.

You wanna be a hypocrite? Here's news to you, I can be one too! I can play in your game, and believe it or not bitch, before long youre gonna be in my game too. So lets play this game, shall we? Be a bitch and a hypocrite, and I'll match you from head to neck to chest to vagina to foot - all the way from top to bottom, and left to right across. I wont back out come hell or high waters.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!
For now, the guns just went off - that's your sign to start running, bitch.

looking forward

2006-02-13T02:41:00.000+08:00

I havent been writing much. A lot has been happening these days but I havent the energy to dwell, much less write about it.

One of my dearest friends has been screwed by one of my bosses. By the term, "screwed", I dont mean any sexual connotations. Duh. I mean screwed as in fucked up, trampled on, denied, left-out - potah, lahat na.

I have also been doing a lot of searching - no, not soul searching- but old, plain searching like paghahanap, as in me hinahanap ako, gets? I freakin lost my ipod last Thursday. For the life of me, I can never seem to remember until now if I maybe left it in the taxi cab or dropped it somewhere in the office. Whatever. I'm not getting any idea of ever getting it back, but hey, whoever you are who picked it up, I still have the original accessories, bleh! I know, I know, what am I gonna do with the accessories if the main thing's gone, ayt? Ala nga, but I can still think na ako panalo, win-win situation ba. Waaah.

And yeah, I know I was supposed to be posting more pics here from my recent Baguio trip but the videocam's usb driver is lost somewhere. So ayon, wala talaga akong ganang magpost ng pics.

Okay, so basically its now obvious that I havent been having a good week, ayt? The typical jing should now be whining, sulking, and viciously blogging about her rants. But not today, ladies and gentlemen. I ain't saying I've reformed, but see, I just realized that there are so many things to look forward to, inspite of every shit that's been happenin:

** Tuesday. Ssshh. If you're planning to
be with me on Tuesday, please be safe now. I quote, "Please be safe now
dah-lings, for tomorrow, we shall live dangerously."
** Valentines dinner with my sisters. I'm
always looking forward to our dates my lovely ladies. Kahit kasama ko lang
kayo sa bahay, hehehe.
** Massage. Not from you, coz I want to
pamper you too. Massage Spa, sweetie. Yes, we're going out, dont you remember?
You owe me a date, Pipo sweetheart.
** Tagaytay. We're
going. No matter what. And guess what, everyone that needs to be there WILL BE
there.

Sometimes life gets by too fast. Sometimes we are caught right in the middle of things that we dont notice how far and how long it has been. Sometimes, we tend to dwell on the negatives because of course, these are things that need our attention. We cant afford to be nonchalant about it because we dont want to be neglectful. But see, sometimes, its also good to just move head-on and without thinking so much about it. Sometimes, spontaneity is the answer. Yeah, I like it. Spontaneity...even sounds good rolling out on my tongue.

So there. It has been years since I last looked forward to being spontaneous. I'll try again. I will start today.

Photo Ops Part I

2006-02-04T04:58:00.000+08:00

"Golden Pine Hotel. Magandang Umaga! ...

...Lakad muna tayo..Sama ka?

...Huwag nang magtago...

...Dahil, peekabo! Huli ka!...

...Konting akyat lang, andun na tayo...

...Pagdating sa taas, pahinga na tayo...

...Tahimik muna...Kanya-kanyang sikreto...

...Kase minsan, gusto ko ring mag-isa muna...

...Maya-maya, yayain na ulit kita...

...Kasunod mo lang ako, wag kang mag-alala...

...Minsan, ang byahe, masarap pag may kasama...

...Lalo na kapag mga kaibigan mo ang nagyaya...

...One last look. Sa uulitin ha."

PS
me kasunod pa!

Baguio Part 2 - Quick Answers

2006-01-31T01:03:00.000+08:00

The group had a blast at Mines View Park Market this afternoon. I was burning a hole on my wallet and the naturally scrimper moi, did not give a freakin care in the world. I got all my sisters, friends and my teammates somethin and tomorrow, I'm buying some more. Hala!!! When is enough really enough? Quick answer: Once I'm back in Manila, ahehehe!

Tonight, we bought some drinks and took it back to the hotel. Chitchat. Gulp. Talks. Gulp. Serious talks. Gulp. More serious talks. Gulp. Someone almost (just almost) cried. Gulp. Dance like crazy. Gulp. Dance crazier. Gulp.

As the night drew to morning, people were lauging louder. Talking more lively. Danicing more animatedly. I, for some reason, stayed in my little own corner, becoming quieter and quieter as the minutes passed.

Why?

Quick answer: Beats me. But I will try to answer again...

So why?

Not-so-quick-answer: Probably because I just gradually started thinking about the last time I came here and the kind of fun I had then. The people I came here with at that time have gone and moved ahead and beyond. And yes, I basically started remiscing about the times I spent with them. Its a good thing that Shelly and "Junjun" fell asleep right then. Because suddenly, I jus wanted to be alone then.

I stood up and opened the windows and looked out. I had a glass of cold beer in my left hand. I looked across the corner and there was Gimbal's. Yes the same bar where I've gone wild-crazy-does not care about the world-party girl before. Ala lang, I just suddenly realized that so many things have changed. Some have gone for the worse. And most have gone for the better (thank gawd). But I stood for a minute wishing it was year 2000 again.

And a car honked 4 floors below me. And someone turned on the lights in one of the rooms of the building across the street. Yeah, Im in Baguio now. And its 2006. I had the best time of my life then. But right now, I could say I'm not too bad either. I feel good about myself. I feel good about the people around me. I feel good about Baguio these days.

No regrets.

Fond memories, yes. But no regrets. - That's another quick answer.

Pics are being uploaded later.

Baguio Part 1

2006-01-30T12:12:00.000+08:00

Taena! I'm on vacation en grande, in a beautiful city, with gorgeous friends and...I'm blogging..! (so what's wrong with that? - tama ba abaniko, ahihihi!)

The hassles were all worth it. Whatever that previously hindered this trip from pushing through is way under the bridge now. Ahihihi..

Im in the hotel lobby right now and Paopee, Michelle and I are waiting for Christy and "Junjun".. (sino si Junjun??). Details (and pics) to come the soonest dah-ling. Tagal nila maligo eh..Kaya nag-blog muna akech. We're about to have lunch somewhere, and after that we're going horseback riding around the corner. Then afetr that, gagala muna, then who knows, bahala na si Batman!

Ay, andito na sila..nagaantay pala kame suweldo..haha, malapit na ang bankruptcy...char! Pero taena, ulitin natin to...Next summer sa Bicol naman! Diba friends? Etong si Christy, tapos na maligo..at gusto niya agawin ang access ko. Babay, ahihihih!

Mwah people! Awabyu!

PS
I miss you na.
You know who you are.

Misery

2006-01-28T08:25:00.000+08:00

I was supposed to go somewhere today. I was actually looking forward of going just a couple of days ago. But for some fucking reason, I don't feel like it anymore. I wish there was some way to rationalize what I'm feeling but I guess I don't want to go into much details right now. Suffice to say that I don't feel as excited as I've anticipated. Suffice to say that I just feel so damn crappy inside and I just wanna wallow in it.

This is misery, I tell you. If this ain't it, I dunno what is.

Take me out. Take me to Baguio. Now. Without the hassles.
Please.

Jing: Un-layered

2006-01-26T03:45:00.000+08:00

I lifted this from someone else's blog. Hainaco, its one of those boring nights...

LAYER 0NE:
-- Name:Jennifer, but call me Jing or Siyoks please.
-- Birth date: January 2
-- Birthplace: Ilocos Norte, possibly in tito Ruben's room
-- Current Location: 50th floor, west wing, PBCOM Tower, Makati
-- Eye Color: dark brown
-- Hair Color: its normally a tad lighter than dark brown, but these days, it has yellowish and amber streaks
-- Height: i'd like to think its at least 5 feet
-- Righty or Lefty: righty, although I think lefties are really cool
-- Zodiac Sign: Capricorn

LAYER TWO:
-- The shoes you wore today: Connie's black pointy shoes. I was planning to wear my pointy black boots but I was in a hurry this morning and Connie's shoes were off the rack.
-- Your weakness: Saying "no" to people.I find it hard to say no even if it kills me. Help!
-- Your fears: death, naturally.
-- Your perfect pizza: cheese, no meat
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: for immediates, Id like a job promotion. For long-term, I'm planning to save enough to get my OWN house in the Metro.

LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase(s): None. I tend to guard my words. I get bored easily so I never overuse stuffs.
-- Your first thoughts upon waking up: "Awgad, tinatamad ako, ugh"
-- Your best physical feature: I'd like to think its my eyes - cute, chinky, just the way I like it.
-- Your bedtime: Nothing specific. I just make sure I get at least 7 hours worth of shuteye.
-- Your most missed memory: Elementary days with Daffo and Diamond. If I could go back for just a day, I would. I miss them.

LAYER FOUR:
-- In love?: Sure, why not.

LAYER FIVE:
-- Cuss: Fuck it.
-- Sing: Ye, I usually do it either with a guitar or in the shower.
-- Take a shower everyday: sure, why not, hehehe.
-- Have a crush: Yes.Someone I've never met ( I think), a fellow blogger.Ahihihi.
-- Do you think you've been in love: Oo naman.
-- Want to go to college: I have. Twice.
-- Like(d) high school: Pisay hayskul? One of the loveliest times of my life..
-- Want to get married: No, I don't think so.
-- Believe in yourself: Too much
-- Get motion sickness: It depends on what I'm riding on. Anything alive, I'm fine. If it's a car or a bus and I don't like the air-freshener, I get hilo. I'm okay on planes and ships.
-- Think you're attractive: I bet I am, ahihihi.
-- Think youre a health freak?: I am. Guilty as charged, OC-OC me... (Hey, I don't smoke anymore!!! Yipee, yipee)I've also gone back to playing badminton.
-- Get along with your parent(s): Uhm, sometimes.
-- Like thunderstorms:No my dear. I get scared.
-- Play an instrument: Guitar, a little bit of recorder, and piano.

Lottery Musings

2006-01-23T04:49:00.000+08:00

Tonight's winnings in the lottery has reached up to 140M Php! Now, I'm not the betting kinda' person but I must admit, this is pretty exciting. Not to mention that people at the office this morning were talking about it. We had a pretty curious round of conversation and it was just so funny, I had to blog about it. I don't know if the lines are still accurate, but this was how it pretty much turned out.

Jing: Oist guys, if I win, I'm gonna give you all 5,000 each. So dapat ako manalo ha.
Drew: Naman Jing! 140M yun!
Jing: Dude, nde napupulot yung payb tawsan sa kalye noh...
Eugene: Eh, manlibre ka kaya ng Yellow Cab?
Kookie: Yellow Cab na naman? Monster's para malaki-laki naman!
ALL: NYAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Jing: Ay, no guys, I'm gonna buy a franchise of *bleep* (states Company's name) at gagawin ko lahat kayo managers!!
Eugene: Hahahaha!
Drew: Eh di nalugi ka! Kita mong tinatamad ako ngayon eh.
Jing: Kung malugi ako, eh di na-jobless ka, bleh!
Eugene: Hahahaha!
Kookie: Ako dude, pag pinapili ako ng 140M or asawa ko..maiintindihan naman niya yun siguro..Kaw jing, iwanan mo boyfriend mo pag pinapili ikaw between him and 140M bucks?
Jing: Oo naman!
Drew: Bilis naman nun Jing!
Jing: Bibigyan ko naman siyang 5M eh!
Eugene: Hahaha!
Jing: Hoy Eugene, tawa ka ng tawa, mabilaukan ka...
Eugene: Hahaha! Naisip ko lang, tumaya din kase ako eh!

Jing: (thinks to herself) Hmm, itinaya kaya ako ni Connie? Wag ka na dude, ako na lang, promise bibigyan kita ng payb tawsan!
Eugene: Hahaha!
Jing: Hmp, tawa ulit! Hahaha ka din!
Drew: Jing, seryoso, bakit 5 thousand lang? Ako pag mananalo ibibigay ko gusto niyo..
Jing: Like..?
Drew: Ano gusto niyo?
Jing: Trip to Amanpulo...
Drew: Game!
Unknown passerby: Gusto ko yung 140M..
(DEADMA)
Kookie: Ako ipapaliwanag ko na lang sa asawa ko kung bakit ko siya iiwan pag pinapili ako kung siya or 140M..
Eugene: Haha, yun pa din ang iniisip!
Kookie: Kase pag sa kanya nangyari yun, iiwan din niya ako eh! Omaygad! yung ticket ko, diko pinirmahan, baka itakbo ng asawa ko pag nanalo yun!
ALL: Nyahahahahaaha!!!
Jing: Ako magtatabi ako 1M for charity...
Drew: Jing, 140M yun!
Jing: Alam ko, alam ko.. 5thou nga sayo eh, be happy for me no!
Kookie: Ako, 40M, wawaldasin ko..mga 10 years siguro yun...sheeet, sarap!
Jing: Ako, mga 10M, wawaldasin ko din....owgad, sharaap!
Drew: Ako, bibigay ko gusto ng mga kaibigan ko...!
Eugene: Hahahaha!

"Okay everyone, stop dreaming! Let's get back to work!"-- Now, where did this come from? Doesn't matter. We stopped dreaming. And went to work.

Kookie mutters, "Pag absent ako bukas, nanalo talaga ako..."
And Jing adds, "Ako, pupunta pa din dito, magblo-blowout ako..
And Drew says, "Di ako magreresign..."
And Eugene goes, "Hahaha..."

"Ssshh...work na daw..work na daw...ahihihihi!"

An Email Exchange

2006-01-20T02:50:00.000+08:00

shax!
ngayon ko lang na-sight ung mga old bogas pics... haay, how swiftly time flies... kalain mong napaghiwahiwalay din tayo ng panahon.. dati feeling ko magkakasama tayo under one roof hanggang sa pagtanda natin!! hehe! bangenge... nyways, thanks jing for scanning those pics, tyaga mo pards! you always tell sa blog mo 'bout moving on yet 'kaw tong nagpaparemind sa 'tin kung anong meron tayo sa yupielbi dati... hmmph!

Bogas,
Moving on is being able to look back, feel back, and liveback...without the pain of ever wanting to go back...Yan ang eksplanasyon ko ahihihi! Hmmph!

Bud Mint: On

2006-01-19T05:59:00.000+08:00

a swoosh, then a whoop.
feel the wind hiss.
legs sliding,
suddenly brake.
stomps.
and you serve. you receive.
you smash. it hurtles right back.
perspiration. pant.
still you want more.
beads on my forehead. coursing down to my breasts.
and rest on my tummy.
water.
drink.
another cycle. swoosh, then a whoop.
towel.
dry.
gatorade.
shower. warm then cold.
cold then warm again.
towel.
dry.
drive.
home.
I love badminton.

The Simpsons; Life, Miseries, and Pitstops PS: Enjoy the Ride

2006-01-14T09:14:00.000+08:00

I'm a big fan of The Simpsons. On this day in 1990, The Simpsons premiered on television for the first time.

The Simpsons is a depiction of how today's family cope up with modernity. It's kinda 'like a soap opera in a twisted way which deals with a typical family's pains, problems and joys.

I have been collecting episodes of The Simpsons for years now. I find simple cathartic enjoyment in watching it. I purge my life's toxicity and angsts while laughing my heart out with Homer's miseries. I feel just a tad nostalgic while I try to understand Lisa's own insecurities with Bart. Of course, Marge's frustrations with her husband is actually a comic relief in a wicked way. Makes me actually feel that I am not the only one who has the world on my shoulders - err, sometimes. Maggie's indifference is my life story.

Watching The Simpsons, especially on rainy, Sunday mornings is one of my life's most favorite little pleasures.

On a different note, I am actually starting to count the days til our long-awaited Baguio trip with friends from the office. I know, Baguio na naman (?!), right? But hey, I love the city, man. For a couple of years now, I've been going back to Baguio with different sets of people - all of them almost equally special.

My family frequents the place, not only because it's just a couple of hours worth of detour when we go home from Manila to Ilocos, but primarily because we love the cold weather, not to metion Meng's infatuation with strawberries and Mama's first love with ukay-ukay. Of course, I need not mention that most of papa's conventions and seminars are held there.

Back in '98, Estong and I went there out of whim. We didn't bring any money, much less had anything planned for a grand tour cum vacation, but we went there anyway. We only stayed long enough for a day's tour of the city and we separated ways come sunset. It was a short trip, really, but it was fun while it lasted. The fleeting quality of it is what makes it special, come to think of it.

My pseudo siblings Lei and Kid went back with me to Baguio around the year of '99. We had a little bit of planning for this trip. We had a rented car which we used to take us around the city and the outskirts, plus a rented house in case we got too tired of roaming around.

In 2000, my beloved IKOT friends: Mei, Guise, Val and Rob went back with me to Baguio for one of the most memorable trips of my life. Suffice to say that the "ride with them was worth the fall". There is nothing more I'd like to do right now other than to ride with them again, but I guess it's not the right time yet. We'll get there, believe me. I'll probably let you in on this story in another log.

Baguio has been a venue for some of my life's adventures and a witness to my grateful existence. It has been a culminating ground for great friendships and deep family relationships. Baguio has been my heaven on Earth for a couple of years now. It has been a home to my tired and weary soul, an end-stop for a life going in circles.

And now my friends in the office which include Rico, Shelly, Mayu and Pao are planning yet another trip to this city that feels like home to wanderers and travellers. We are going to be there for a couple of nights and days, starting January 29. What can I say, I'm just so looking forward to it.
Care to come with us?
If you've ever been to Baguio and back with me, I know we're in for a long ride.
Ride with me.

say HI to my new love...

2006-01-10T08:06:00.000+08:00

This is it. I am through with my old pains, old disappointments and my old life! I am so over all the ex's in my life - - that I have decided, finally, to introduce Bibi, my new love:

Bibi and I met last December and I fell onsight. Today, I am formally saying goodbye to my old guitar, Baby-G... which, despite of having seen me through the best days of my life, is now exclusively history.

With Ver and EG and Baby-G (circa '99)

27 years ago

2006-01-02T05:26:00.000+08:00

On January 2, 1979:

-->Pope John Paul II returned home to Poland as the first Roman Catholic pontiff to visit a Commuist-ruled country

--> Northern Illinois was in the grips of a severe winter snowstorm. By the end of the day, 7 inches of snow covered the entire city.

On that same day, somewhere in the northernmost point of a certain tropical country, a certain baby was born to a first-time mom and a tipsy father. The father was such in a panic that he dosed himself with a little too much alcohol. The mother was scared-shit of giving birth in the hospital so she chose to give birth at home.

The baby took her time coming out. It wasn't without pain, especially for the mom. The father almost dropped from the 2nd storey window thinking that it was a door. But inevitably, the baby came out. Her mother took a breather and went to sleep right away. The father tried to stay awake, but he, too, needed a rest.

The baby was awake. And she was passed from relative to relative trying to get a glimpse of the clan's 1st baby, both from the father's and mother's side. She could not wait to grow up.

It has been 27 years since...

Happy Birthday to me.

How I Spent Christmas

2005-12-29T02:17:00.000+08:00

And so it was Christmas. I took a leave from the Metro to go home for the last time this year. 3 nights, 4 days. Quite enough time to spend the Holiday Season peacefully with the people most special to me. Not too short to miss out so much, and not too long for me and my mom to start ~~killing~~ driving each other nuts.

A week before I was set to go home, I was feeling all giddy and Christmas-sy. A month before that, I was already done with all my Christmas shopping. A couple of days before I was set to go, I had all my gifts packed in ~~a box~~ 2 big boxes and sent them to my folks already. So see, I was all ready and roaring to go spend my 2005 Holidays to the ol' provencal Ilocos where my folks live up to this day.

First Night - I got home on the eve of the 24th. I was expecting a nice, cozy, warm dinner with close family members, then perhaps another round of devouring (ahihi, devour talaga, antakaw!) the leftovers after attending the midnight mass. Surpise, surprise...
For the life of me, I don't know where my mother picks up old, obscure relatives who just pop out of nowhere. Yeah, yeah, its Christmas-time for givin-time for sharin- all that crap, but jeez...who the heck are these people? Excuse me, you're seating on my seat at the dining table. Excuse me, you're drinking from my wineglass. Excuse me, you stepped on my toe. FREAKIN EXCUSE ME, YOU ARE FREAKIN TAKING UP MY SPACE. And oh, Merry Christmas, by the way.
Now, don't get me wrong. I love my relatives. Those that I'm familiar with, at least. But for those who can't get pass through saying, "Ang taba mo ngayon ha." and "Kumusta ang studies?" I have 2 answers dear ~~remote~~ relatives: 1st - You haven't seen me for years. What's your basis for comparison? When was I ever thinner to you?" 2nd - "I've graduated eons ago..duh!" Naman, naman!
By the time our home was left with my "familiar" relatives, we were all too tired to go to mass already. We decided to attend the next morning instead. We were so mighty tired that night that all we did to cap the night off was to play monopoly. I know, it sounds pretty juvenile, but I'm proud to say it's one of my family's favorite pastimes (parents included).
Here's papa and tita Sheng with Meng giving out "emergency gifts" to the "emergency relatives"

2nd day - Pleasant surprises.
Arvi, an old friend came by and we spent half a day catching up on each other's lives. It was a pretty lazy day, with the first part of the morning spent on playing monopoloy. The whole family attended mass in the afternoon. We had dinner out. Before we slept for the night, we had another round at monopoloy. Now I don't know the real deal between monopoly and the Trinidad kids but I think this is a game that we have never really outgrown. My brother, who is the youngest in the family is already in college. My folks are in their early fifties. Moi, is about a couple of years from my tridecade anniversary. But when we play monopoly, you'd think all of us are kids again.

Here's Con dealing out some moolah. Look how serious we
all are. You'd think we were holding authentic cuartas huh?

And here's papa and mama trying to
outsmart their kids. Ma dreadfully lost
this round by the way. As ever, tapunan
naman siya ng tukso. :)

3rd day- I got sick. It was the sickest I've felt the entire year and it just got me so frustrated co'z I had so many things set to do.I was supposed to meet up with Arvi and another old friend, Ramil to try out some of the local bars. At the same time, I was supposed to have lunch at Tata's (grandpa's) house. And of course, there was the usual monopoly to drain me of energy. But as it was, I barely got up from bed. I gave it my best shot to go to Tata's house though. I am rarely ever home and kinda' miss my older folks.

At Tata's House (left-right standing): Mama, moi, lula Samma, Mai, (keft-right sitting): tita Sheng, Tata, Meng, and the 2 kids are Janna (with the tongue) and Nikka.

4th day - I didn't go out at all. My temp's mighty high and I just spent the whole day marathoning James Bond movies with Macky. That night, I had a trip booked for Manila. So much for temporary hiatus. My 4 days and 3 nights are up. I was feeling all shitty inside because of me fever, but I felt good inside. I needed this vacation. If only for once a year, I get to be sane again, if only for once a year, I get to spend quality with my family again - all for the price of getting sick, damn, gimme sickness once a month. I love this. I feel warm and fuzzy and woozy and whatever. I feel loved and I feel blessed. Haha, I'm babbling. Who cares? Merry Christmas everyone. (and that includes ALL relatives too!) - in the spirit of giving and sharing, I have decided to ignore that you only show up during the "giving" season.

Year In Review:2005

2005-12-22T20:02:00.000+08:00

Lifted from Tasha's blog. The idea is to repost the last sentence of the first entry of each month in 2005 and call it "Year In Review". Hmm..Lemme see...I've been blogging for less than a year, but I wanna see if I had been making sense all this time.

Here goes...

MAY

Will the creative juices keep up? We'll see...We'll see..

JUNE

perhaps not.

JULY

Pero tama na muna.

AUGUST

ouch--move my screen to the left please..i can't move...

SEPTEMBER

you know who you are.

OCTOBER

I would be so famous, you would forget your name first before you miss out saying Siyoktong!

NOVEMBER

Before I completely waste this entry and delete it altogether, I'm gonna stop writing-right now.

DECEMBER

Let's watch it!

Does it make sense?

Oh yes!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!

I love you all! MWAH!

empty roads

2005-12-22T19:46:00.000+08:00

I said: I'm not happy anymore.
You said: I'm not happy anymore.
I said: I'm tired.
You said: I'm tired.
I said: I couldn't make you happy.
You said: I couldn't make you happy.

Together, we couldn't make us happy anymore.
We were in the middle of the road.
Not going right nor left.
But you left.
And I left.
No goodbyes.
Just tears.
We are both scarred.
But both stronger.
So what now.
The road was already empty.

Google Meme

2005-12-20T02:55:00.000+08:00

Tasha, you tagger, you! I know I hate bein' tagged but this looked pretty interesting, so what the heck. Let's!
{Here's the rule. Go "Google" each answer and post the 1st image that comes up} --> did I get it right Tash?

1. The age you will be on your next birthday: 26
January 2. Mark your calendars sweeties. If you're around the Metro by then, crash by my place. Really. Ring me up at +639278807029 for details.

2. The place you live: DILIMAN
Like du-h..what else could be in Diliman but the good ol' UP, ayt?

3. Your favorite Color: ORANGE
{image is from a phone company site or sumthin like that}

4. The place you want to get married: A SECLUDED GARDEN

5. Your first love: DRIVING
Not exactly the vehicle I had in mind, but see, I've wanted to drive for the longest time and when I finally learned, I got baptized with a shitty car crash-UGH

6. Your favorite fruit or vegetable: EGGPLANT
Torta please.

7. Your favorite animal: TURTLE
I've never had any other pet. Turtles, always turtles.

8. The surname of your favorite actor/actress: HANKS
Actor, extraordinaire. Amen.

9. The name of a pet: FRUITCAKE
The name of my first Turtle

10. Your favorite song right now: ASSUMING
An old song I wrote during the old times in Bukubunduking YUPIELBI.
--> the image is the cover of a book by Rick Whitaker.

11. A bad habit of yours: GLUTTONY
So? Sue me.

12. Your middle name: BUMANGLAG
No one ever knew about my middle name back in college except my bestfriend Lei. About time I let the world know! :)
-->This image is from the Bumanglag clan's official website.

_____________________
I'm tagging
mayu
gary
manok
shelly

scared-shit

2005-12-20T00:49:00.000+08:00

I'm scared.
And so I was taking a poop and doing a little reading. For some reason, the 1st book I was able to grab to read while doing the deed was a Christopher Pike horror fiction. I love Mr. Pike. His works are included in those few books that I have never stopped reading since elementary days. And have I said why? Uhm, Christopher Pike's works of fiction scare the shit out of me. There.
[to continue with the story...]
So I was there, taking a sh*t, and I was reading Pike, and demmet (!) I felt all my hair stand without any warning. And oh, did I tell you that I was alone in the house? Yeah, my sisters and my maid went home to the province earlier this morning.
[again, to continue with the story...]
I was so scared-shit that I didn't close my eyes one bit when I proceeded to take my shower. So come hell or high waters and shampoo, and soap and facial wash, I faced it all with not so much a blink of an eye. Reason? I was afraid I'd see someone else in the bathroom with me [once I open my chinky eyes again].
Oh man! What a juvenile, I am. You'd think I would have outgrown this, huh? Na-ah...
Hainaco Mr. Pike, you sure scare the shit outta' me! [no pun, no pun...]

Natural Highs

2005-12-17T05:27:00.000+08:00

Falling in love *** Laughing so hard your face hurts *** A hot shower***

A special glance*** Getting mail***Taking a drive on a pretty road***

Hearing your favorite song on the radio***Lying in bed listening to the rain outside***

Hot towels out of the dryer***Walking out of your last final exam***

Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price. Chocolate milkshake***

A long distance phone call*** A bubble bath***Giggling***A good conversation***

The beach***Finding a hundred bill in your coat from last December***

Laughing at yourself***Midnight phone calls that last for hours***

Running through sprinklers***Laughing for absolutely no reason at all***

Having someone tell you that you're beautiful***

Laughing at an inside joke***Friends***Falling in love for the first time***

Slumber parties***

Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you***

Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep***

Your first kiss***Being part of a team***

Making new friends or spending time with old ones***

Playing with a new puppy***

Late night talks with your siblings that keep you from sleeping***

Having someone play with your hair***Sweet dreams***

Hot chocolate***Road trips with friends***Swinging on swings***

Watching a good movie cuddled up on a couch with someone you love***

Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking eggnog***

Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid***

Going to a really good concert***Making eye contact with a cute stranger***

Winning a really competitive game***

Making chocolate chip cookies***

Having your friends send you homemade cookies***

Spending time with close friends***

Running through the fountains with your friends***

Riding a bike downhill***The feeling after running a few miles-an accomplishment***

The feeling you get the first time you step on stage***

Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends***

Holding hands with someone you care about***

Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change***

Discovering that love is unconditional and stronger than time***

Riding the best roller coasters over and over***

Hugging the person you love***

Watching the expression someone's face as they open a much-desired present from you***

Kisses on your forehead***Watching the sunrise***

Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another beautiful day.

In An Effort To Understand You Better

2005-12-17T03:14:00.000+08:00

How do I tell you?
Disappointment is such a reality
And it tires even the most patient of hearts
But I plow ahead
And hit head on
Knowing well that its worth it in the end
But feeling this
Knowing this
And having this
Just drive me to pieces
For how much I can take
And for how long I would give
Is the question that baffles
Even the wisest of minds
I'm near
Almost
But its the farthest I've felt
From you
_________________________________

When I asked you said yes. But at the last minute, we were back at no. I am not one who takes this lightly. You know me better than this. I need plans to survive. I need time to go on. Sometimes I wonder if I am still myself. There used to be a time when time need not matter. When plans were just bubbles. I wish I could be nonchalant about this. I hope there was a way to make up. If in the end things would remain, I am afraid that we could be no longer. No longer sweetie. No longer.

frustrated!

2005-12-10T06:08:00.000+08:00

I am just so freaking frustrated right now, it's not even funny anymore. So fine, you are who you are, and I know we're both doing our jobs, but you're not paying me to do this, alright? I didn't even ask for this pro bono shit, but when I got it on my lap, served on a silver platter, if I may add, you didn't hear anything from me. Not a grunt, nor a sigh - not any trace of complaint! And so I'm doing what I'm supposed to do now and you, above all, should also know what you should be doing. But no. You give me that phoney smile, and say I should go about this on my own and you finish your day without knowing that you just wasted a day's worth of my time. It's not as if I asked for your help. It's not as if I want you to do my job. But listen, if you had paused for a moment and give a real thought to the this crap-ass we call our work, you should have known there was no way to do my job without your stupid (in) decision!

I hope you hear my grunts right now. These sighs that have been escaping my lips so utterly tell me I am complaining. Hear that? I AM FREAKIN COMPLAINING ALREADY! I've kept quiet all these time, but see, you make it so bloody difficult for me to breathe the same air you do. Yeah, my friend was right - You shouldn't demand for respect. You earn it. And if you should ask, no, you haven't earned one iota from me.

Capish?
Fuck off.
Whew...
{breathe in-breathe out}
I'm okay now.

pooped. drained. bushed. dead-beat.

2005-12-07T07:39:00.000+08:00

I'm pooped. Drained. Bushed. Dead-beat.
What can I say, I just feel tired these days. And as ever, a tired body almost always brings out the tired soul in me.

I feel weary. And at times like this (you need a juicy? -corny!), I find writing a comfort. This is my comfort zone. I don't consider myself a writer. I will never write a novel that people would buy. I will not be winning awards for poems, stories or essays. But guys I have to admit, I don't write too bad either. If I were, you wouldn't be reading this anymore. But I digress.

Vulnerability is something that not a lot of people would associate me with. I can only count a handful of people who would say I am vulnerable. And there's much less who have seen me in such a state. But yes, I am vulnerable.

I hurt easily, much too easily. And I cry far more than you can imagine me to. I too, get tired. And most of the time, I would feel like caving in and have someone take care of me. Like most people, I pine for affection. I yearn for warmth. I, too, need a shoulder to cry on, a wall to lean on, a hand to cling to.

Oh yes, there is no better feeling in the world than to be in control. When it seems that everything has been laid to plans and nothing could seem to raze the foundations you've built. There is this high point when you think you've done all you could and everything has just been perfect. But see, after that high point, you get down from your platform and everything else is just empty. And you try to get the feeling again but the moment has passed. Life doesn't always work looking your way. And the emptiness lingers. And you feel tired...

...Pooped.. Drained... Bushed... Dead-beat.

"Ang Pagdadalaga..."

2005-12-02T00:13:00.000+08:00

I'm endorsing this film not only because I know the director (Auraeus Solito) personally, as we have belonged to the same artsy-fartsy group in the past. This film has been accorded much respect, award and appreciation from film critics around the world. It's now showing in Philippine Cinemas. Let's watch it!

To Molly and Sally

2005-11-30T21:10:00.000+08:00

To Molly & Sally *

Molly and Sally went to the stars,
And left the belltower in the south
Some say it was a good decision,
But how so, when someone was left with no reason...

Molly and Sally were my friends,
And we had plans of travelling together
We had fun, we would have laughed forever,
But not a sign remains, oh brother, oh brother...

May, an old friend, told we should move on
For in the end, no one really stays
For in the end, nothing really lingers
In the end, no one really has anyone...

I miss Molly and Sally
I should've gone with them
I would've gone with them
But then, I couldn't have gone with them...

Its been 2 days and 20 hours since
And I've been toxic the whole time,
So sue me, I've a right to be bitchy,
For in the end, I only have me

*For want of anonymity, Molly, Sally and May are not the real names of people concerned. And no, going to the stars does not mean they're fond of STAR Margarine (haha!). And yes, the belltower in the south, is really in the south. The toxicity mentioned is an understatement. I've been more than toxic. I bite these days. Don't try me, I can swear and bitch and suck your eyeballs out, and it'll be like heaven for me. I could chop your ears and tongues for dinner and kick your balls til they turn to mush and be nonchalant about it. DON'T BITCH WITH ME, YE HEAR??!

LOLA:1930-2005

2005-11-20T19:29:00.000+08:00

Death, however painful, sets you free.
I took the news quite calmly. In fact, I went to sleep right after. When I woke, nothing in the world seemed to have changed. I took my my meal, had my shower, and went to work.
It still amazes me how one could feel so much yet so little at the same time. Could I be on a stage of denial? Could be. I wasn't thinking of anything too much. God forgive me, I wasn't even thinking of her.

My grandmother passed away last November 12. She had a stroke almost 3 weeks ago and at her age, nobody was hopeful that she would survive it. My dear lola tried her best though. She held on, long enough to give us a much-needed hope. She stayed, albeit just a while, for the sake of giving us a much-needed strength.

Lola had to stay for a couple of days at the ICU. She was later transferred to a private room because apparently, she was getting better.Two days before her time, she was actually strong enough to move about. Her right side was immobile but the left side was strong enough to allow her some movement.

Thursday, lola was given a discharge permit from her neurologists. The doctors said she is safe albeit full recovery is still going to take some time. The family decided to stay one more day at the hospital to make sure everything is really okay. This would also give us more time to do some adjustments at home to accomodate lola's situation.

The family constructed a fully-functional room to serve as lola's recovery bedroom in tita Dottie's house which is nearest the hospital. By Friday, everything was all set. A new bed has been delivered, the bathroom has just been finalized to the tiles. That morning, lola lapsed into a coma. By Saturday, 10:30 in the morning, she peacefully retired in her hospotal bed.

Death grips you in the heart. It could get so painful that we shoud just stop breathing. I had some lucid moments before I took full grip of the situation. I had to think and provide answers that lola is in a better place, that lola is spared of further suffering. But rationalizing death does not make it any less painful. Nothing could make the loss of a loved-one painless. Nothing.

Last Saturday was lola's interment. I filed for 3-day bereavement leave from the office.
Saturday was a cloudy, cold day. It was fitting for grieving and mourning. Early that day, I asked my brother Macky, my cousins Berg and RJ to pick roses with me. Some 3 years ago when my grandfather died, the people who attended the interment took it upon themselves to shower his coffin with flowers. I had the same thing in mind for lola. Back at the old hometown in Enrile, roses abound. At this time of the year, I was not expecting so much of it, but we managed to fill 4 bags full of roses. My lola would have loved seeing it.

I pricked my fingers while picking the roses. I didn't even bleed. I should have, if only to feel more alive that day. You see, a part of me died with lola. My last link to my father's relatives has just passed away. In my father's own words, "What further reason do we have to go home after she's gone?" All of my lola's children have families of their own already. All these years, we have only gone home to the family house for one reason, and one reason alone : for my grandparents. Both are gone now. And much as it pains me to even think about it, I don't think I would be going home to lolo's and lola's home in years to come.

Leaving for Manila last Saturday night was so painful to the point of being physical. While I was hugging and kissing my relatives, I kept looking for a familiar face that used to be always there whenever I left. Lola has always been the first and last person to kiss me whenever I went home to their house in Enrile. She would always put her face beside my face and smell me like she wants my scent to linger. I missed that. I am missing it right now.

There are so many if's on my mind right now. I remember planning to go home last summer to visit my lola. I remember planning to go with my family last October when they visited her. I remember wanting to buy something for my lola out of my first salary. I remember a lot of things. I would eternally wish I had enough time to have done these. Sometimes remembering these pains me. On other times, I just let go. She would have wanted me to. There is only one thing I could never seem to come to term with. When lolo died, I was the only grandchild who was not there with him. Before lola passed away, I was again, the only grandchild to have not seen her on her hospital bed. I have had no closure. And I badly need that right now.

Death has always been something that I was afraid of. I looked at it with fearful apprehension. I shrudder at the mere thought. When I was a child, thinking of my mortality kept me awake for nights on end. I've always cried when I get reminded that I, would eventually die like everyone else.
These days, death is still my worst fear. It has become my antagonist, the shadow on my being.
Not so many deaths has touched my family, and for that, I am thankful. I have one grandfather still alive and I hope he stays with us for a while longer. To my lola who has just stepped through that threshod that I am so afraid of, I will continue to pray so she may help me deal with my personal trepidations.
Once I accept death as natural as breathing, then I shall say I have truly had closure. Then I shall say, "death, however painful, sets you free..."
And I would truly mean it.

shivers, tingles and goosebumps

2005-11-09T21:36:00.000+08:00

My bestfriend Cindy came over my pad today for an overdue get-together for just us gurls. We really haven't planned anything out, other than hang out in my room or go to the mall or eat out or somethin'. Turned out we didn't get to do any of these.

I was checkin out my piggy bank earlier this morning while I was waitin for Cinds. So I was all sprawled eagle-style on my bed and I was opening the "secret door" of my piggy bank. Now this piggy bank was given to me by my best gurl Cinds. And aside from the fact that yes, 'twas given by my best bud (I couldn't emphasize more, can I?), this piggy bank is also special because it contained paper bills instead of the usual coins. Mind you, it's all 500Php bills at that! And so I started countin' and suddenly, I sat up straight! Gawd, I have over 10 grand worth of bills stuck somewhere and I didn't have any freakin clue until now. (Whooopeee!)

So I said to myself, "What now, Jing, huh? What are you gonna do?"

Hmm. Tough. I'm usually a scrimper. But hey, this was way too good to even think of saving it. I was makin' plans before I knew it. "Now what's takin Cinds so long?" I was thinking of havin us do some shopping spree.

Cinds arrived a coupla' minutes later and when I asked her what took her long, she went, "I had to go to the bank to start a savings account."

AAAAH!

I am such a weak person when it comes to these things. I almost never, ever spend unless I really, really need to. And just when I thought I'm gonna give in and go over that threshold, here comes my best gurl who thinks the exact opposite of what I'm about to do. And did I mention that Cindy is my crux of influence 99% of the time? Yes! Cinds is my guru. She says it, it's done before I knew it. So...you have any idea what happened next?

I opened my 2nd savings account today.

____________________________

Then we went to Megamall. We had lunch at...oh dupe, I forget! I actually kept tab on where we ate because I wanted to blog about...but guess what, I don't remember it now. I was supposed to write somethin about how the chicken barbeque was freakin stale and difficult to chew while the liempo made up for it by tasting so...tender, so scrumptious, so juicy, so ooh.. (eew, for my lack of appropriate adjectives, did I really have to moan??) Sheesh.

Then we walked around for a while trying to figure out why we were at the mall when we just deposited all our money at the bank just a couple of hours ago. So then when reality set in, and we realized that we were not buying anything, we decided to go back to my place to have a nap.

Wrong idea.

When I left home earlier this morning, Fatee (my maid) was there. I usually don't bring my house keys unless I know that nobody's gonna be home. Fatee's day-off is still a few days away. SO WHY DID I FREAKIN FIND A FREAKIN NOTE TAPED TO MY FRONT DOOR TELLING THAT SHE FREAKIN WENT OUT??!

Apparently, my tito Lando who was visiting for 2 days asked her to accompany him somewhere. Tito Lando is not familiar with Manila's street, so fine! I freakin understand that!

"So, where do we go Cinds?"
We stayed by my plants for about a couple of minutes. Gawd, we were so sleepy already. We were thinking of going to a local hostel or something but Cinds changed her mind coz she doesn't think she's comfortable going to places like those.
"How about maybe goin to this new spa that just opened a couple of blocks away?", says Cinds.

Cinds, being my crux of influence had me go with her to the spa in no time.

First was the steam bath. It was hot, hot hot! (I should have expected that, wool-head!)
After steamy, sweaty 20 minutes, we took a lukewarm shower and off we went to those comfy massage tables.
The room had soft lights and the stereo system had a tantric hum playing softly.
And I was naked from head to foot, save from a white towel draped across my back
Soon after I was moaning in my head for the most intense body massage ever. No pun intended folks, it was super. I'm not sure now if I should go into the nitty-gritty coz this blog might sound pornographic. But here, lemme tell ya, it's been 5 hours already since the massage, and I'm still tingling all over. Now, if that's not good massage, I dunno what is.

So enihoots, after the massage, we had to go home already because Cinds has work the next day and moi needed some sleep.

This has been a long log. I should be sleeping already but for some reason, I still have these goosebumps from the massage. I don't wanna be caught dead moaning in my sleep now, do I?
So hereI am... still writing..and writing..and writing...

Innocence is Power

2005-11-09T00:58:00.000+08:00

Ivan Ross at Lolo's House

My dad's sister, let's call her tita Eva. Now, tita Eva got married a couple of years back. She married late and all of us knew it would be a real blessing if she would manage to conceive a baby. After one operation and a lot of check-ups however, she blessedly gave birth to my cousin Ivan, who became the clan's darling since then.

Now a couple of days ago, I heard this story from Con who just spent Halloween with tita Eva and her family back at the good ol' Trinidad country.

Tita Eva and Tito Lito (her husband) were having a heated argument while driving. Ivan was at the back sitting with his yaya Fe and half-sister Princess. Now, husband and wife were almost shouting in front. Princess and yaya Fe were both looking out the window, trying not to listen. And then Ivan goes:

"Mommy, Daddy! Tumigil na kayo! At ikaw Daddy, pinakasalan mo si Mommy, at pinanganak niyo pa ako, so stop!"

Husband and wife fell silent. The family continued riding. And there was world peace.
Now, who says innocence is not power?

Halloween

2005-11-02T09:28:00.000+08:00

And so it's the deads' day and I feel like one of 'em zombies who just happened to be at the Metro on a long weekend.

I was not able to go with my folks on their long vacation ride, but I intended to spend the remains of my Halloween break well-rested and relaxed and pampered. But no. You see, I just had to get sick. I've been on a sneeze roller-coaster for about a week now and when I woke up last night (which is the by the way, the official start of my break), I was running a fever.

I could go on and on but in the meantime, I dont feel very comfortable complaining about bein' sick. My grandmother had a stroke just a couple of days ago and she was in the ICU for about 3 days. Now, tonsilitis at home is definitely not something to be so angsty about compared to not bein' able to move half of your body, right? But lola's okay now. She's out of danger, says Connie who's there at the family house in Cagayan with the rest of them Trinidad people.

So enihoots, I'm in my apartment now with my loyal Fatee - my maid- who accompanied me on these long days albeit of us not speaking so much with each other. There wasn't much to do at home and Fatee has been really helpful these last few days so I gave her 2 days off startin' yesterday. She's been goin' out for most part of the day since.

As for moi, I've been watchin' lotsa movies, as I needed to catch up with my DVD and VCD list. I've also been trying to finish reading Lord of Chaos, which has been stuck in front of my nose since 3AM today.

I dont feel like writing. I feel sick, bored and lazy all at the same time.

Before I completely waste this entry and delete it altogether, I'm gonna stop writing-right now.

permanence

2005-10-29T05:37:00.000+08:00

Just because everything is different doesn't mean that everything has changed.