Grateful to the Universe

Funny thing when you look back. You don't think anything changes from day to day. But years pass and you know nothing stayed the same. This sounds familiar, I may have written those lines years ago. Only proves that it's true, doesn't it?

A few days ago, I finally got something I've always wanted to have. I've wanted it for so long and so bad that on the first night, I kept waking up and checking if everything was real. It was. It is.

Sometimes the Universe deals with you in comical ways, it rarely makes sense. And sometimes, the taste of irony is so biting that you don't know what you got until it's farting in your face. Happened to me, and I can't complain.

I'm in a good place right now. The Universe shoved that to my face as well. I may have spent futile days thinking that the world was unfair that dealt me with underhanded cards. But in the end, even I got to say, the world is generous, and this human is grateful.

J. Pyo

I've never known him to be a sad person. Nobody ever did. Of all my friends, he was the one that had the biggest smile, his zest for life was that of a chid's - always excited and vulnerable.

In the years that I've known him, from early college through adult life, we have considered each other to be best buddies. From his first heartaches to my first flunked subjects, from dwindling allowances to crazy drunken nights, we stood by like eternal youths - just always there, going our way with the tides. A few years from college, when he got married and I wasn't invited, I didn't talk to him for a year. When he and his wife separated, I told him it was cursed from the beginning because I wasn't there when they wed. He was one of the first few whom I told I was a lesbian. And he asked me in his incredulous disbelief, "Are you sure? I always thought you had secret feelings for me!" Crazy bastard.

Work took him to far places but we stayed in touch through the years. We would see each other during vacations and try to catch up on tsismis and random memories. But most of the real conversations we've had in recent years was done online. I work nights and because of the time difference from where he worked, this works out pretty well. We have had the most profound discussions on how to shave his private parts properly. He also shared how his dream of owning a piece of farm has slowly come to fruition. We've had incessant debates about why he hasn't found a permanent relationship yet. And we've also discussed just how serious we are in getting him to be a sperm donor for my partner sometime in the future. 

In the last few weeks before his death, the conversations became a little quiet. It wasn't unusual - we've had episodes of random busy-ness that we attribute to work or other trivial things, but we've always gone back to the chatroom when it was time to breathe. He never came back online again. He never breathed again.

I've never known him to be a sad person. But maybe I'm using the wrong adjective here. Maybe it was beyond sadness that got to him. Or maybe it was not even that. They say he left a note. Oh what I would do to know of his last thoughts.

Did I really know him? Did I abandon him in some way? Could I have done anything? I'm sure these questions ran through not just on my mind, but on all the people who loved him that were left behind. Its been a few months, but there are occasions such as tonight when I find myself itching to chat with my best buddy, and I am filled with pain and grief just remembering how easy it used to be. Life was never complicated, he used to say.

To this day, I still have not understood what happened. Maybe I never will. And the biggest irony of all is that the only person who can make a complete explanation of it all has now decided to keep quiet forever.

B

There are all sorts of friends in this world. As antisocial as I might have become today, I can say I have had my fill of many kinds back when I was younger. Back when I was wilder. Back when I was friend -lier.

I won't be talking today about the kinds of friends I have or have had.  No. But I will talk to  you about the kind of friend I was. The kind of friend I am. And the kind of friend I want to be.

I was a party animal. Fun was when I was around and when my friends were with me. We went to the rowdiest bars where we out danced everyone on the dance floor. We guzzled up beers like there was no tomorrow. We sang the loudest karaoke and drove the noisiest car in college. And we got picked up by the police a few times for breaking a rule here and there.

We skipped classes just so we can drink coffee under the rain.

We told stories late into the night, night after night - every single night. And we talked some more into the day just because the world was about us and no other else.

We drove into the future like the wind was behind us.

And yes, it was a short span of time, just a measly couple of years in college. But the memories we had then, have lasted a lifetime.

Today, we are mostly scattered around the world, but some things have remained. We talk about nothing and everything. Or chat, if I were to be technical about it. We still laugh at each other.But more importantly, we still laugh at the world together. Most recently, we have been crying together. Missing old friends. Grieving for lost friends.

Sometimes we chat and couldn't continue not because we don't have anything to say to each other but because we know the other one is sighing somewhere. Or breathing, just letting things be, feeling each other's presence from halfway round the world - in silence.

Sometimes I think that these are signs of times. We've grown. Do I mind? No. because we've grown together, and sometimes, that's all that matters.

They say if you've been friends for at least 8 years, chances are you'll be friends for life. I don't need that statistic to know that I have found the friends I will keep. It has been quite a road, filled with joy and madness. When we counted memories with thorns and flowers. Life has been good, despite all its shenanigans.

Thank you.
I'm sure my proud, haughty friends know who they are. 

Maybe. Maybe Not.

Sometimes I lay in bed in the wee hours and stare at the clock facing my bed. I watch each second turn into the next and this goes on for a bit of time until  I get sleepy enough to want to go back to lala land. Most of the time, I drift back off, but on other occasions, I let the ticking seconds guide me into the sunrise.


Every weekend these last few months,  as soon as my body feels it has rested quite enough, it wakes my mind and tells my eyes to stare at the clock. Every weekend.


Its not a bad thing actually. I even look forward to it sometimes. These days, everything is just so good that I can afford to spend a few good hours each week just savoring the quiet buzzing in my head. As of late, I have been in a state of balance wherein things, places and people are moving by at a pace that I want them to. The birds are chirping in my window. The sunlight passes through my curtains in just the right angles. The music is both rich and quiet in my ears. And my heart has been calm. The mind is quiet.


This piece of corner has been witness to a lot of ups and downs of this writer. At the moment, this one's a plateau. Do I prefer it any other way? Maybe. Maybe not. Remember that line I used to always say about movies and ice cream? Maybe I really shouldn't always  be asking  too much about why I have kept on searching.  Maybe the movie and ice cream are enough. Maybe. Maybe not.

At Work at 3 in the Morning

This is a product of a boredom. I should be doing something else.
I want a job that can challenge my mind.
For about 3 years now, I have been sitting each worknight, staring at my screen with sheer boredom.
Zzzzzz.
The quick brown fox jumped over the back of the lazy dog.
 Dog lazy the of back the over jumped fox brown quick the.
Why am I wasting my life in this craphole? Yes, I have a job that pays the bills, for services I may not even need if I didn’t have to work. See what I did there?
I work to earn my keep to continue working. It’s a very, very nasty cycle.
I just want to go home and watch TV all day. Or maybe sleep the whole day.
Yeah, I should sleep more often. I never get enough sleep these days.
 I wake up every day so I can spend most of it wasting away.
Now my weekends are a different thing altogether.
 My Saturdays and Sundays are sacred. Aside from myself and family, I do not want to spend these 2 days with anyone else.
You think I should quit my job? Yes, most definitely. But do what? I've never done anything else. And nor do I know anything else that pays as much.
Aah, grown-up problems.
I wish I could just quit everything right away and not endure the consequences.
Or maybe if I had a remote control that would let me pause myself while everything and everyone else around just goes on. You know?

Usapang Lolo't Lola

I'm a martial law baby alright.

Pinanganak ako 1979 at nagkamuwang ang isip noong panahong umuwi't napatay si Ninoy Aquino sa Pilipinas noong 1982. 

Pero hindi ko idi-discuss ang martial law dito at hindi ako magiging pulitikal dito sa post ko na to. Sa ibang panahon natin paguusapan ang love and hate relationship ko sa mga Marcos.

Ang 80's, on a more personal note, ay panahong lahat ng mga mahal ko sa buhay, mula lolo, lola hanggang apo (sa akin at sa mga kapatid ko at mga pinsan) ay buhay at kumpleto pa. Nawalan ako ng lola noong 1987. First time ko yatang makakita ng labi ng patay nang malapitan noon. At hanggang ngayon, 27 years later, tanda ko pa rin kung paanong me humaplos sa aking malamig na hangin habang papalapit ako sa unang pagkakataon sa labi ng yumao kong lola. 9 years old lang ako noon pero doon ako nagsimulang maniwala sa  after life. 

Matagal-tagal din na naging biyudo ang lolo ko. 23 years din bago siya sumunod kay Nana sa kabilang ibayo. Ngayon, parehong pares ng lolo't lola ko, wala na. Ang paborito kong "lula" na kapatid ng lolo ko, namahinga na rin nung nakaraang taon lang.

Naisip ko lang, dumarating pala sa buhay yung marerealize mo na hindi ka na "apo" kasi walang nang tatawag sayo ng apo. Maiiwan ang pagiging anak, pamangkin, kapatid, pero apo, nawawala yan kasabay ng pagkamatay ng mga lolo't lola mo.

Bakit ba paraang nahipan ako ng hangin at biglang nagsulat ng ganito? Wala naman, nakakamiss lang magkaroon ng lolo't lola. Parang pag kasama mo sila, walang mali sa mundo, walang masama. Yun bang alam mong kahit makatulog ka ng walang kumot, meron at merong magtatalukbong sa yo kahit gaano na kalalim ang gabi. Yung pag naghanap ka ng halo halo sa hapong tirik na tirik ang araw, alam mong me mahihingan ka ng bente na walang kasamang pagalit.At yung pag nagbabakasyon ka sa probinsya, alam mong me nakaantabay sa pagdating mo at laging nagmamadaling salubungin ka? Nakakamiss.

Malapit na ang All Soul's Day. Hind ako makakauwi ngayong taon, katulad ng iba pang taon at All Soul's Day na lumipas. Hindi ako madalas dumalaw sa mga puntod ng lolo't lola ko. Pero sa isip? Lagi ko silang kausap, magpa-hanggang ngayon. . 

Usapang Trabaho

Nakakatamad magtrabaho. Masarap tumambay na lang sa bahay at manood ng TV magdamag. Inaantok na naman ako. Naghahanap ng magagawa dito sa opisina. Magpapanggap na busy at may katuturan ang ginagawa. Ilang oras na naman kaya ang bubunuin ko ngayon?

Bakit nga ba ako nagtratrabaho? Maliban sa simpleng rason na kelangan ko kumita, wala na akong ibang maisip na dahilan kung bakit kailangan kong pumasok sa trabaho araw –araw. Mahirap bumangon kung di mo alam para saan at para kanino mo ginagawa ito.

Minsan iniisip ko kung nasa tamang industriya ba ako at tama ang pinili kong karera. Sabagay di ko naman talaga to pinili. Nagkataon lang na ito ang trabahong naghihire at nagbigay sakin ng magandang suweldo nung mga panahong kinailangan ko nang magtrabaho. Sa nakalipas na 9 na taon, itong trabaho ko ang naging buhay ko. Pero hindi dahil ginalingan ko o naging magaling ako sa ginagawa ko. Ang ibig ko lang sabihin, dito umikot ang buhay ko – kumikita ako para mabuhay, nabubuhay ako para kumita. Ganun lang.

Sa siyam na nakalipas na taon, halos hindi ko ipinahinga ang sarili ko. Pinakamatagal na siguro ang tatlong araw na bakasyon na madalas, itinutulog ko na lang. Pambawi sa ilang gabing kulang sa tulog dahil sa trabaho. Minsan, umuuwi ako sa amin sa probinsiya, pero kung nataong wala pang sweldo, hindi na lang ako tumutuloy. Don’t get it wrong. Hindi ako inoobliga ng magulang ko na magbigay sa kanila. Kung tutuusin, mas may kaya sila kaysa sa akin. Pero alam mo yun? Pag umuwi ka na di ka man lang makabili ng kahit ano para sa kanila o yung tipong di mo mailabas man lang sila, parang me kulang yung bakasyon mo. So ayun, pag wala akong ekstrang pera, di na lang ako umuuwi.

Sa haba ng mga taon ng pagtratrabaho ko, hindi ganun kalaki ang ipon ko. Di ko nga alam kung ipon ba ang tawag doon sa sobrang liit. Wala din akong kotse at lalong walang naipundar na bahay o lupa. Minsan inisip ko na lang, di ko naman kasi kailangan ng mga bagay na yan. Wala naman akong anak na kailangan pag aralin at suportahan, aanhin ko ang malaking pera? Nakatira ako malapit sa pinagtratrabahuan ko, at mahal ang parking sa building ko, hindi praktikal bumili ng kotse. At dahil wala naman akong pagpapamanahan ng ari-arian ko, aanhin ko ang lupa’t bahay? Ang dami kong pwedeng ibigay na rason para i-justify lahat to. Pero minsan nakakainis pa rin na wala ako ng mga ito, kasi sa maraming tao, eto ang basehan nila ng pagiging successful.

Kapag me nakikita akong lumang kakilala, mapa-kaibigan man o pamilya, “O kumusta ka na, asan ang bahay mo?” “Uy, mukhang successful tayo ah, ilan ang kotse mo?” Alam mo yun? Minsan ako na ang umiiwas na makipagkita sa mga lumang kakilala.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko naisulat ito ngayon. Siguro dumarating lang talaga minsan sa tao na nagtatanong kung bakit niya ginagawa ang ginagawa niya. Wala naman kasi akong ibang ginawa kundi magtrabaho sa nakalipas na 9 na taon. Minsan baka sa kakatutok natin sa isang bagay, di natin mapansin ang mga mas dapat pala nating pinagtuunan ng atensyon at panahon. Ayokong magising na lang isang umaga na matanda na at nagtratabaho pa rin dahil yun na lang ang alam kong gawin.
Kailangan ko na muna magisip ng mga susunod na hakbang mula dito. Kung anuman ang mangyari, makikita mo.