LOLA:1930-2005

Death, however painful, sets you free.
I took the news quite calmly. In fact, I went to sleep right after. When I woke, nothing in the world seemed to have changed. I took my my meal, had my shower, and went to work.
It still amazes me how one could feel so much yet so little at the same time. Could I be on a stage of denial? Could be. I wasn't thinking of anything too much. God forgive me, I wasn't even thinking of her.

My grandmother passed away last November 12. She had a stroke almost 3 weeks ago and at her age, nobody was hopeful that she would survive it. My dear lola tried her best though. She held on, long enough to give us a much-needed hope. She stayed, albeit just a while, for the sake of giving us a much-needed strength.

Lola had to stay for a couple of days at the ICU. She was later transferred to a private room because apparently, she was getting better.Two days before her time, she was actually strong enough to move about. Her right side was immobile but the left side was strong enough to allow her some movement.

Thursday, lola was given a discharge permit from her neurologists. The doctors said she is safe albeit full recovery is still going to take some time. The family decided to stay one more day at the hospital to make sure everything is really okay. This would also give us more time to do some adjustments at home to accomodate lola's situation.

The family constructed a fully-functional room to serve as lola's recovery bedroom in tita Dottie's house which is nearest the hospital. By Friday, everything was all set. A new bed has been delivered, the bathroom has just been finalized to the tiles. That morning, lola lapsed into a coma. By Saturday, 10:30 in the morning, she peacefully retired in her hospotal bed.


Death grips you in the heart. It could get so painful that we shoud just stop breathing. I had some lucid moments before I took full grip of the situation. I had to think and provide answers that lola is in a better place, that lola is spared of further suffering. But rationalizing death does not make it any less painful. Nothing could make the loss of a loved-one painless. Nothing.

Last Saturday was lola's interment. I filed for 3-day bereavement leave from the office.
Saturday was a cloudy, cold day. It was fitting for grieving and mourning. Early that day, I asked my brother Macky, my cousins Berg and RJ to pick roses with me. Some 3 years ago when my grandfather died, the people who attended the interment took it upon themselves to shower his coffin with flowers. I had the same thing in mind for lola. Back at the old hometown in Enrile, roses abound. At this time of the year, I was not expecting so much of it, but we managed to fill 4 bags full of roses. My lola would have loved seeing it.


I pricked my fingers while picking the roses. I didn't even bleed. I should have, if only to feel more alive that day. You see, a part of me died with lola. My last link to my father's relatives has just passed away. In my father's own words, "What further reason do we have to go home after she's gone?" All of my lola's children have families of their own already. All these years, we have only gone home to the family house for one reason, and one reason alone : for my grandparents. Both are gone now. And much as it pains me to even think about it, I don't think I would be going home to lolo's and lola's home in years to come.

Leaving for Manila last Saturday night was so painful to the point of being physical. While I was hugging and kissing my relatives, I kept looking for a familiar face that used to be always there whenever I left. Lola has always been the first and last person to kiss me whenever I went home to their house in Enrile. She would always put her face beside my face and smell me like she wants my scent to linger. I missed that. I am missing it right now.



There are so many if's on my mind right now. I remember planning to go home last summer to visit my lola. I remember planning to go with my family last October when they visited her. I remember wanting to buy something for my lola out of my first salary. I remember a lot of things. I would eternally wish I had enough time to have done these. Sometimes remembering these pains me. On other times, I just let go. She would have wanted me to. There is only one thing I could never seem to come to term with. When lolo died, I was the only grandchild who was not there with him. Before lola passed away, I was again, the only grandchild to have not seen her on her hospital bed. I have had no closure. And I badly need that right now.


Death has always been something that I was afraid of. I looked at it with fearful apprehension. I shrudder at the mere thought. When I was a child, thinking of my mortality kept me awake for nights on end. I've always cried when I get reminded that I, would eventually die like everyone else.
These days, death is still my worst fear. It has become my antagonist, the shadow on my being.
Not so many deaths has touched my family, and for that, I am thankful. I have one grandfather still alive and I hope he stays with us for a while longer. To my lola who has just stepped through that threshod that I am so afraid of, I will continue to pray so she may help me deal with my personal trepidations.
Once I accept death as natural as breathing, then I shall say I have truly had closure. Then I shall say, "death, however painful, sets you free..."
And I would truly mean it.