Jaded

Two of my dearest friends are the saddest of people today. Let me tell you a story.

We were friends. It started quite nicely, like new spring breaking the winter. The 2 fell in love, and I watched them grow to be one of the happiest couples I know. I was glad. After a couple of months, there were fights. Nasty words were thrown, but they just kept getting back together. Love conquers all, so they say - and though jaded in love that I was, I started to quite believe in it too. Then months became years. And our friendship just kept getting stronger. Their love, maybe even stronger. But like all things then and now, tests just have to come along the way. I the end, you just have to take it, if you pass, then it's all good.

Someone drove home intoxicated one night. Someone got worried. Someone got nagged. Someone got mad. Two people fought. One asked for space. The other had to give it.

10 days. Someone was confused. Someone was sad. Someone took someone else in a place where people do intimate things. And someone learned about it. And the question was, "Why?"

I thought you needed space to think things through. I thought you wanted to fix this so you had to go away for a while.

And someone said, "I was confused and sad and frustrated because of what happened between us. I am angry at you because nobody was left to care for me"

But wasn't it you who asked for space? Wasn't it you who drove home drunk one night and got mad because someone was concerned? Wasn't it you who finally had to end it? What right do you have now to put the blame on someone else?

You see, I ask these questions now because my friends have been dying to hear from me. I've always been someone who never left their side. I was someone who watched and listened. They thought I knew everything. They thought I could fix everything. Little did they know that it was me who learned from them this time. And whatever that I've learned from them is something I wish I haven't.

Yes, they say love conquers all. Jaded though that I was, I believed in it too. But this time, I simply don't see love in the equation. It was deception and lies that caused all these. It was pride and anger that made you do stupid things. It was you.
Count me out of this.

I'm Back?

I'm back! Err, not quite... I have no reason for being away. There is never any acceptable reason why someone goes away. I've been ignoring this blog for quite some time now, and when I tried logging in just a couple of minuets ago, I
didn't remember my log-in and password anymore.

Well, cutting the story short, I finally had to reset everything and save from literally starting from scratch, here I am -- I'm back, and blogging -- but not just quite yet.

That is the sad thing about people going away. You see, we all tend to forget. We forget the beauty of youth. We neglect old feelings. We fail to remember the beauty of what was once shared. People go away so fast not caring to store their log-ins and passwords in a safe place. So when they do decide to come back, they practically have to start all over again. WE NEVER LEARN.

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My friends judge my moodswings thru my blog. If I have been writing a lot, something's wrong with my life. If I've been awfully quiet, then I am most likely having the time of my life. Sniff, how I wish this holds true this time. I am neither exultant nor jovial at this point in my life. Somehow, everything just isn't falling in their proper places lately. I find myself tired, bored, sick and uninspired all at the same time. I drown myself in sheer poignancy amidst watching collections of old TV series and soap operas.


__________________________


I know I need to shape up soon. There are people out there who need me strong.
But for once, why can't I just let myself be weak?

Elbi, One Last Time

I have written about this only once in my lifetime. I rarely even talk about it. I always say that ELBI is set for another story. I have reserved an entirely another paradigm to write about ELBI. And time and again, I have always procrastinated. I can never allow myself to write about it again.

The first time I wrote something about ELBI was about 8 or 9 years ago. It was a sad time for most of us. I wrote a book entitled BOGAS. I have made 2 copies - one I kept for myself, and the other, I gave to someone who might have already lost it by now. When I wrote that book, the memories were vivid. I only had to sit for a moment to gather my thoughts. Pages and pages of memories filled my days. The days turned to months and before I knew it, I had written my first book. As the years passed, I forgot about having ever written it. I have invested too much emotions writing it and it has almost drained me of ever feeling anything again. I have never written anything quite like it again.

Browsing through my old shelves about a week ago, I came upon the once familiar book with the orange cover. I started reading it but felt I couldn't go on. Since last week, the BOGAS book has lain on my bedside table, patiently waiting for me to read it again. It will have to wait for a very long time.

Sometimes you think you're through with your past, but your past ain't through with you. I tried moving on and letting go co'z the past's dead, it can't kill me now.

These days, I admit that ELBI was one of the best things that ever happened to me. If you're thinking college life - no, that's not what it is. ELBI is much more than college life for me. Back then, it was life. It was everything to me. It was home, it was friends, family - past and future. So when it shattered, my life came away to pieces with it. I have picked up the shards since then. I have had my share of bleeding and crying. The scars are almost gone. But I still can't write about ELBI. Why?

In my heart, I know that everything is almost over with ELBI. I have said this before, and I will say it again: No matter how great my past life may have been, it is now exclusively history. I feel the detachment now. I feel ELBI now as one distant memory. Again, why can't I write about it? It is perhaps because I have this one last hope hanging. I have left the place in a hurry without properly closing my doors. I have abandoned a part of my life thinking that I was without options then. Now, I feel the distance. And yes, I want to build my bridges to my past again. I would want to continue where I have left off, if only to see if I have really made the right choices. One last time, let me see and feel ELBI again.

If only for one last time.

Ask Me

Most people have secrets. Sometimes they share it to others who are important to them. Sometimes, they share it to people who may not even be important, but because they just understand readily. Lots of people have these closets in their mind and in their soul. For reasons remaining to be unknown, these closets remain unopened for the longest time. Whatever's that's inside are never shown - simply because.

I have a couple of closets. Some, have not been acknowledged until recently. Lately, I have these questions in my mind, and it is only now that I am starting to understand, and maybe accept - little by little.

I am not the type of person though, who divulges things without being asked first. You may find me someone who talks a lot under normal circumstances, but if you really listened...I wasn't really speaking. Most of the things that pass between my lips have just been words. Words come and go. I want to say something now. Something that will last, something that will be a secret between us.

Most of the time, I just listen. I bide my time and take in all that I can muster. Until now, I have kept my silence. So what changed? Lots. Things change, people change. I changed - in more ways than one, in a lot more ways than you can imagine, in a lot more ways than some of you can maybe accept.

I have close friends whom I thought knew me inside out, and until now, I have been continually thankful for the things they have shown and proven to me. I have friends who may not know me inside out, but for some reason, I decided to start with them so there would be less questions. Before , I thought that one of the benefits of having old friends is that you don't have to explain yourself to them anymore. This time, it might be the other way around. My old friends knew me from before, and had there been any changes, they would be the first ones to notice - and ask questions.

I have been waiting for any one of them to ask me. I dropped hints here and there. But I guess friends normally don't notice the slightest hints anymore, simply because they've become too comfortable with who I was. Now, I want them to ask. Because this time, I know I am ready. I have gotten past that threshold of knowing myself a little bit better, and I have gotten over that fear of revealing a bit more of myself.

Ask me.
I know you have questions now. If you had the slightest inkling before, don't put it our of your mind anymore. See, I wanted to share this with you all this time, but you never asked the question. These days, lot and lots of new people start to know things about me, but I feel regret in not allowing my old friends to know about it first.

I am what I am.
I love as I am.
I show me as I am....
And up to this day, I remain your old friend, despite the changes...despite of what I've become.

Ask me the right questions.
I've dared myself to answer.

the new "do"

Good Friends

Getting together with good friends with good food and a good ol' camera handy always spells F-U-N. I've been working my ass so hard as of late. But just after spending a couple of hours with these guys, I felt rejuvenated right away. There's simply nothing heartfelt laughter, tons of hugs and warm kisses can't cure these days. If I may quote Shelay,

"Hay Jing, sarap...para akong galing sa bakasyon..."

Kurak! I've been lucky enough to have found friends in the workplace. I've always been attached to my college friends in the past, and somehow, without knowing it, I have subconsciously been shying away from establishing new bonds with other poeple.

Over time though, I have learned to accept that no matter how great my old friendships may have been, they are already a part of my past. Something good is worth keeping but just the same, they also fade away. Not to say though that I severe old ties. Because I don't.

I just realized one day that I can't live in the past like I used to anymore. I need to reach out to other people. And I needed to give myself another chance to experience good friendship again.

It feels nice to have friends. Sometimes it's what keeps me going. It makes me feel that no matter what, I got these people behind me and I know they're there for keeps.

rather stoic than vulnerable

For the most part, January, for me was a jump from one activity to the next. Every week, there was always something going on. Everyday was just another day to finish all my deliverables. Every weekend, I promised myself to go easy but I broke each one. You know, ordinarily, I would have been ranting already. But I'm not. Somehow, I welcome the tiredness. It makes it easier for me to fall asleep when I get home. Somehow I love being overwhelmed. It takes my mind off from things I'd rather not think about.

The only real time I have for myself these days is when I'm in the bathroom. When I'm there doing all my stuff, I just let my mind wander and think closely where really I'm at now. Am I happy? Am I okay? Am I smoking too much again? Am I sick? Am I mad? These are questions that I swirl in my mind for 10 minutes that I have to stay in the bathroom. That's it, just 10 minutes. These days, I don't have the luxury to think so much on how I feel. I'd rather be stoic than vulnerable.

So I guess the question there is why. Why am I putting myself in a situation where I will have to eventually ask myself all the why's again. I'll answer that later. My 10 minutes for the day is done. Maybe I'll have an answer next time. Try asking me. If I cry, then you hit a nerve. If I smile, then it's just another day.