In Solitude

It doesn't matter how tough it is. Or how lame the reason is. If the thoughts keep hurting, I don't care if I start forgetting. Slowly and painfully - I am burning my last bridge. If this was a bad decision, then it shall be my last.

I am full of emotion but surprisingly empty inside. I feel the freedom of solitude yet I miss my chains. The wind is behind me and I am drenched in sweat. These complications have nailed me to this spot. I can keep on running but memories travel faster. In one snap, I am back to my old painful past. No strings and no connections. I am simply alone.

And I accept that.
My choices have been clear.
My pain was real.
And I will endure this.
I have to.
There is no other way to get through this.

Longest Hiatus

This is my longest hiatus ever. All for a very good reason.
I will update soon...
I promise.

Lost

Like a rubber ball bouncing from one wall to another - left and right, top to bottom. Like water rushing out from a broken vase. Spontaneous, sporadic. Sometimes forceful, sometimes passive. Umplanned and unthinkable.

I have lost all sense of direction. And I need to find my way again. Can someone just please hand me a map? I am so tired. And lost.

I Thank The Skies

Somewhere between the time the heavy rains started outside and the phone call I made, was when I realized that I am, indeed, truly OKAY.

I was working late yet again. And I played an old song to keep me company during the long OT hours. I sneaked a glance outside the window and realized the rains have turned to a drizzle. As I glanced down, I had to smile for myself for having made it through the downpour. Yes, the rain is over but the street right beneath me is still wet. And yes, my eyes are dry now, but it doesn't mean they won't moisten again. I feel good though. Not blissful, not exulatnt - just wonderfully, surprisingly OKAY...

And I thank the skies today.

We Are Only Freshmen

“I have never stopped learning. I am a work in progress.”

I heard this line so many times before from a mentor who is now long-gone. Through the many years that I’ve learned from him, my mentor never failed to remind me that he, as my guru, was also learning from me in more ways than one. True, I was the neophyte. I was the one who needed the learning. And through the sweet, sometimes bitter course of time, I began to realize the most important lesson of all. My teacher taught me, that no matter how great a mentor can be, no one really stops learning.

The age of 20’s to 30s is a phase that I would love to call renaissance. It is an age of reawakening wherein we should’ve learned the old lessons already. It is the time for us to try to be wise and practical at the same time. For most of us, we think that we no longer need the advice of the elderly. We aspire to live alone, earn for own bread and butter, in short, we just try to be independent. Frankly, there is nothing I find wrong with that. Independence is an impressive feeling. It makes us feel powerful. I t makes us feel that we are somehow in control of our own life. But there is thin line between independence and desolation.

Whereas independence makes us feel confident, desolation leaves us lonely and unappreciated. Independence gives us motivation to be better, while desolation leaves us no choice but to be better. Independence is a choice. Desolation is a result of bad choices.

I have a friend who is very successful in her career. At 25, she is already a part of upper Management in a prestigious company. She lives alone. She travels a lot. She earns more than she can spend. In the world of young urban professionals, my 25-year old friend has clearly made it. The question is, made to what? In the middle of the night, my friend yearns for comfort that no money or posh condos could give. In the middle of the fast life, she finds herself wanting to slow down and backtrack to what she really wants in life. In this world of speedy rat races, do we really have to be desolate to be independent?

Sometimes, questions that we don’t have answers to scare us to the brink of nonchalance. Ignorance is bliss, they say. If one can’t answer some questions, they see no point in looking after the answers. Well, what can I say, we are past the age of schools and home works. We are so over the fact that we were once novices and learners eager to learn all that life had to teach. We think we’ve earned our place in the world. Maybe. But if that were the case, questions would’ve stopped coming, would it? If learning has no place in our life now, life should’ve been perfect. And that clearly isn’t. So, what gives?

In this lifetime, one never has to stop learning simply because life is good. One never has to stop to take things to a breather and ask about things that could be and what could’ve been. No one lives twice, and it’s not as simple as repeating 3rd grade or 4th grade if you flunk the last school year. In life, as simple or bizarre this may sound, we are all freshmen.

We are only Freshmen.

Summer Breeze: A Summer Ender Musing

The breeze cools off, and the dust settles. You go home and you wished everything stayed as they were. But nothing ever stays the same. Especially not after a long, hot
summer.

The end of summer has always been nostalgic for me. My past summers were never exceptional, yes, but somehow, I find myself more – what is the term – changed?

For kids, summer is bliss. Time to play, no school, no books. I’ve always looked forward to it when I was young. Back then, summer meant doing all the things I wanted and more. It was about living free, without hassle - without rules. As I grew older, summer became more and more mundane. It simply became a series of sweaty days and hot nights. In college, I started taking summer classes. I barely stayed home. I never found the time to try out the beaches. When I got a job, summer meant even less. It was just more heat, more dust, and higher electricity bill.

My last 3 summers came and went and I never noticed. I was at a point in my life where I took the fast lane, never stopping to look back on things I could be missing. I joined the rat race. In the last couple of weeks, I barely even had time to notice the heat. I hardly ever noticed that in a couple of days, summer would again be over.

Yes, summer is- again- almost over. Two months of supposed lethargy. Two months of supposedly laidback life. I never noticed. What gives?

Summer, just like any other season, is a phase. It has a beginning, and it has an ending. If most people get to have their fun in the summer, that too will have to end one way or another. On the flipside, some people who have lousy summers would find themselves out of the hell hole soon. What is the point of my musings?

It is to remind myself that nothing ever stays the same. Things change, people change. Summer is the time when we commence things – after that, everything supposedly just resets. You try to go back to the customary bustle. You attempt to recede to the normal lifestyle. Fundamentally, the trance and daze sojourn and we attempt to revert to the former routine. But then, nothing ever stays the same. Time is not cyclical, it is one forward motion that goes into infinity.

Summer is over. Whatever we did or did not do is something we take with us head-on. Let’s not go looking back to the things that were. Summer has ended, and the things that were, no longer are.

End of musings.

Jaded

Two of my dearest friends are the saddest of people today. Let me tell you a story.

We were friends. It started quite nicely, like new spring breaking the winter. The 2 fell in love, and I watched them grow to be one of the happiest couples I know. I was glad. After a couple of months, there were fights. Nasty words were thrown, but they just kept getting back together. Love conquers all, so they say - and though jaded in love that I was, I started to quite believe in it too. Then months became years. And our friendship just kept getting stronger. Their love, maybe even stronger. But like all things then and now, tests just have to come along the way. I the end, you just have to take it, if you pass, then it's all good.

Someone drove home intoxicated one night. Someone got worried. Someone got nagged. Someone got mad. Two people fought. One asked for space. The other had to give it.

10 days. Someone was confused. Someone was sad. Someone took someone else in a place where people do intimate things. And someone learned about it. And the question was, "Why?"

I thought you needed space to think things through. I thought you wanted to fix this so you had to go away for a while.

And someone said, "I was confused and sad and frustrated because of what happened between us. I am angry at you because nobody was left to care for me"

But wasn't it you who asked for space? Wasn't it you who drove home drunk one night and got mad because someone was concerned? Wasn't it you who finally had to end it? What right do you have now to put the blame on someone else?

You see, I ask these questions now because my friends have been dying to hear from me. I've always been someone who never left their side. I was someone who watched and listened. They thought I knew everything. They thought I could fix everything. Little did they know that it was me who learned from them this time. And whatever that I've learned from them is something I wish I haven't.

Yes, they say love conquers all. Jaded though that I was, I believed in it too. But this time, I simply don't see love in the equation. It was deception and lies that caused all these. It was pride and anger that made you do stupid things. It was you.
Count me out of this.