Silent, Warm Arm

And it starts with that simple feeling. Vaguely noticeable yet uncontrollable. Dreamy eyes, floating glances. The feeling grows. It engulfs and spreads. Suddenly its not so simple anymore. You know its there and you start to fight it. For a moment, it lets go. The feeling bids its time. As silent as a shadow, it comes creeping back. It embraces those who are not wary. And you know you've lost when you decide to embrace it back.


I dont know what you're thinking, but I'm talking about sleep...
Silent as a shadow, its engulfing the unwary I. It creeps and spreads and I lie here, finally embraced by sleep's warm arms...

Lovely, Just Lovely

So...
I don't know where this emotion is coming from. Lately, I have been feeling irritated with most people that I normally have a "good time" with. I suddenly just felt like I needed to do something else, perhaps someplace else...but really, I dont even care if I get there. Maybe its all pent-up feelings I tried to control before. I have a lways been a people-pleaser, remember? Five months ago, I quit doing that. No more amenable, easygoing, nice, Jing. Forget the old everyone's bestfriend, no-devil-can-hurt charmer that I have always been. I have grown tired of pleasing people. Maybe its time to please myself, eh? Fair enough, I suppose.

So...
I am more at peace with my world these days. In fact, I have started hearing the midnight hums that I used to hear before (refer to old posts if you must wonder). These days, I can wake up in the middle of the night, and smile to myself for that wonderful feeling only a person in touch with his own being can feel. I can stay up the whole day alone without doing anything really, and still sleep like a baby by mid afternoon and well way into the night. I have begun oil painting, renewed my passion for books and films and writing. I have been spending more quality time with people who really matter, and yes, life's a blast. It has been so long since I've last felt this - and the best part of it is that I know I totally deserve this.

Lovely, just lovely.

The Bohemian Adventurer

I am...
Speechless...or wordless or however you want to call it. Fact, I have not been writing for the longest time. I didn't think there was anything worth writing about. But then I look back to everything I have written, and I ask, "Who the fuck cares, anyway?" I don't think anybody still reads this shit. I know I don't. At least not until I've jumped from all sites imaginable and just too lazy to get out of my PC chair. Not until I feel so bored and restless and hopeless do I get the nerve to actually go back to this site to start smelling the flowers again.

Why do I run? Why do I wander from place to place trying to justify that I live the life of a great bohemian adventurer ready to take on the world? When in fact, all I really want to do is to stay put and put a semblance of permanency in my life. When all I really hope for is to stay long enough at any one place at any one time to grow some roots and maybe even just bloom a little. But no, see I set a fleeting pace to my very existence and leap bounds of distances as if I was running away for my life.

When do I stop? When do I set the pace so that it actually matches my heartbeat? How long can I go and how hard can I still give? In time I will have to admit I've grown tired. I'm sure I'm not built to last this way.

Blanks, Bares and Voids

Blank piece. Blank screen.
Tough luck.
Empty thoughts. Empty feelings.
Bare.
No words. No ideas.
Void.

How long has it been? Days, months, years? Somewhere in the midst of trying to survive, I have forgotten to live.
Somewhere in the limbo of trying to justify my choices, I have forgotten the choices I've made.

I thought I was doing this for all the right reasons. But if I did, why did it turn out so wrong? If I made a better person out of me, why do I feel rotten inside?

Confusion is not the opposite of Wisdom.
Its blankness.
Its emptiness.
Its bareness.
Its void.

Exactly how I feel now.
Wisdom has not come with my age.
Damn.

In Solitude

It doesn't matter how tough it is. Or how lame the reason is. If the thoughts keep hurting, I don't care if I start forgetting. Slowly and painfully - I am burning my last bridge. If this was a bad decision, then it shall be my last.

I am full of emotion but surprisingly empty inside. I feel the freedom of solitude yet I miss my chains. The wind is behind me and I am drenched in sweat. These complications have nailed me to this spot. I can keep on running but memories travel faster. In one snap, I am back to my old painful past. No strings and no connections. I am simply alone.

And I accept that.
My choices have been clear.
My pain was real.
And I will endure this.
I have to.
There is no other way to get through this.

Longest Hiatus

This is my longest hiatus ever. All for a very good reason.
I will update soon...
I promise.

Lost

Like a rubber ball bouncing from one wall to another - left and right, top to bottom. Like water rushing out from a broken vase. Spontaneous, sporadic. Sometimes forceful, sometimes passive. Umplanned and unthinkable.

I have lost all sense of direction. And I need to find my way again. Can someone just please hand me a map? I am so tired. And lost.