half a world away.

"The worst feeling is knowing how much you love someone,

how much that person loves you back, how perfect you are together,

but for a million, unknown reasons, you can never be together."

- P.A.

We are on the same road again. Yet for a moment, I know this is different, somehow. This time, its not you nor I that's the problem. This time, it's not us fighting. Today, we face the same adversary. Today, we're swaying in the same beat. One song, one dance. One love. Fighting for it. Living for it. Half a world away.

And I ask, isn't this dejavu? Have we not expected to be separated half the time we had those major squabbles and debates? Have we not anticipated this after more than 3 years of enduring this masochism phenomenon called 'us'? Have we not?

We have. But nothing prepares you for the real thing, isn't it? Nothing.

The tears are just a teardrop away. The sad face just hides beneath a smile. The pain is inherent. But I remain. For what? For the best last week of our lives...

September 4 through September 9, in the year 2006. Let's make this work, somehow. For this time may be the last time. And if I had to carry any of our memories, I would hope to carry something that will make me smile. Half a world away.

Yes, half a world away - from you.

nasa byahe

minsan sa buhay, nakakapagod maghintay. napakahirap magpasensiya. akala mo wala ng hanggan ang pagbibigay mo. pero sa huli, pag andun ka na sa lugar na pinangarap mo, hindi pala yun ang totoong hinintay mo. ang totoo, papunta ka pa lang, okay ka na. tama sila, nasa byahe ang sarap, wala sa destinasyon.

nung bata ako, nakipagpustahan ako sa nanay ko na sa UP ako magaaral. ni hindi ko pa nga alam kung ano talaga ang UP, basta naririnig ko lang sa tito ko na tiga-UP rin. nag-UP nga ako, pero wala dun ang hinahanap ko.

nung nasa kolehiyo ako sa ELBI, wala akong gustong gawin kundi mag-perform sa teatro. lahat ng venue nagawa ko na, pero wala akong pinangarap kundi magperform din sa Umali Hall, yung main auditorium namin. sabi ko sa sarili ko noon, one time big time lang, pwede na ako magpursige para grumaduate. nagperform nga ko. director at writer ko palanca awardee pa. pero di ako grumaduate.

pagpasok ko sa trabaho, sabi ko sa sarili ko, okay kahit anong posisyon, kahit kiss-ass muna ako. kahit di ko na magamit degree ko. at kahit di na ko magturo kahit yun ang plano ko sa karera ko, basta mataas suweldo. andito ako, okay fine, kumikita 'ko nang sobra sa kailangan ko. bakit gusto ko pa rin magturo?

marami sa mga bagay na pinapaniwalaan ko ngayon, parang nakaplano lahat. may mga bagay na gusto kong abutin, unti-unti kong inaayos para makuha ko. lahat ng ginagawa ko, lahat ng pagpaplano ko, lahat ng sakripisyo, lahat yan ay para matupad ko pangarap ko. pero minsan nakakabagot. nakakapagod maghintay. napakahirap magpasensiya. dahil kadalasan, kahit alam kong andun na ako, hindi pa rin pala ako masaya.

ganun.

one sunday

I have been enjoying
moments of solitude.
I sleep anytime I want to
on the couch or on the bed.
On the floor even
And nobody would say
don't.
I won't have to bathe for 2 days straight
And I don't care if I flossed or not
I can just open a can of sardines
for dinner.
And eat the remains of it
for breakfast.
I don't have to check my phone
for messages.
I don't even have to pick up
when it's ringing.
I could leave my hair uncombed
And even enjoy my curls in the morning
I don't have to worry at all.
For today, it's just me and my god.

Some questions - Survey type

• anung kwento ng pangalan mo?
  ** Jennifer - From the actress Jennifer Jones. A day before my mom gave birth, she watched a movie with papa and it was the film St. Bernadette's Song. Muntik na ko maging Bernadette!

• anung kwento ng parents mo?
  ** Mama's Nana hated my father. Donya-donyahan kase ang maternal lola ko at si papa noon ay isang hamak na titser. Solusyon? Nagtanan po sila and they had me. Tameme si Nana.

• anung kwento nung 7th bday mo?
  ** Yun yata yung 1st bday ko away from home. Kami lang ni papa sa Cagayan with all his relatives.

• anung kwento last bday mo?
  ** Awful. I spent my birthday on a bus ride going to Manila. Ay teka, the other year pa yun. But yeah, I spent it here in the Metro. Alone yata.

• anung kwento ng 1st lovelife mo?
  ** Yong totoong lovelife? Yung di laro? Naku, so complicated. Walang linggong walang away.

• anung kwento ng lovelife mo ngayon?
  ** Eh di ganun, refer to the previous answer... Yun pa din eh, ongoing. Shet.

• anung kwento ng cellphone mo?
  ** Connie bought it for me. I lost the one papa gave me to a stupid snatcher. And Connie, my sistah in shining armor generously bought me a new one. Di ako nag request man lang ha.Beat that.
  

• anung kwento ng computer mo?
  ** It's not mine. Forever squatter ako sa PC ni Connie.

• anung kwento ng kwarto mo?
  ** Which room? Ngayon?E di I share it with Connie. Pretty dark even during noontime. Its my favorite place in the apartment kse yun lang aircon. That room holds a lot of secrets, ahaha.

• anung kwento mo last christmas?
  ** Went home to Laoag. I spent my 1st Xmas bonus plus some buying gifts to even the most obscure relatives. I also planned the Noche Buena with Menggo and ended up paying for half of it. Masaya naman. Real bonding with siblings.

• anung kwento mo last valentine's day?
  ** As ever, lumipas lang.

• anung kwento ng sapatos na suot mo ngayon?
  ** Slippers. Binili ni mama last October. I went to Cagayan for lola's funeral at sa sobrang kakamadali ko, I wasn't able to bring all my personal stuff. Kasama na diyan ang deodorant, toothbrush, ayan tsinelas, etc...
  

• anung kwento nung una mong nakita yung crush mo?
  ** Sino na nga ba yun? He is older by one year eh...si Max Von yata. Basta pareho kami ng crush ni Krystal. Yung crush ko kase, me crush na Jennifer din pangalan. Tinukso siya ng friends nya. Narinig ko. Sabi ko, "Yuck!" Ngek, di pala ako yun.

• anung kwento sa yo ng nanay mo tungkol kay santa claus?
  ** Ay, bonggacious. I had the most wonderful gifts from Santa when I was a kid. Connie and I used to hang our socks sa sala. Super aga pa lang, punong-puno na. We were never told the real story about Santa but the idea just kinda faded away through the years.

• anung kwento tungkol sa inyo ng bestfriend mo?
  ** love and hate relationship.

• anung kwento nung last movie na pinanood mo?
  ** Sukob. Ang sarap sumigaw. Good Filipino horror film.

• anung kwento tungkol sa huling lugar na pinuntahan mo?
  ** Robinsons Pioneer. Naglibot lang sa Handyman at bumili ng paint for the bathroom.

• anung kwento nung last time na umiyak ka?
  ** Eh di kanina. Bad mood kami pareho. At walang nagbibigay. Goodluck, di ba?

• anung kwento ng greatest achievement mo sofar?
  ** Achievement? Matagal-tagal din bago ko nakuha. Eight fun, memorable, melancholic, painful years. But when I finally made it, I wasn't the most proud about it. My family was. And that was what really mattered, I realized.

• anung kwento nung huling librong binasa mo?
  ** The Last Don by Mario Puzo. It is my favorite bathroom read, so far.

its raining in my head

Everything is wet. Everywhere its been raining. Even in my head.

Today, I got up and I felt cold. I hug the pillows, but they, too are cold. I wanted to make some coffee, but was too lazy to do it. And the fried rice was stale...and yes, cold. Where is this coldness coming from? Maybe its just in my head.

So I wander aimlessly in this highway. Trying to figure out what this emotion is for. Something I heard? Something I saw? Someone I know? Yeah, yeah... I'm just so apatheric to it already. Perhaps I shouldn't even be blogging about it. Para que? One of these days, I gonna break out of my shell and just let them see how I really am. One of these days, I'm gonna make people listen, and listen hard. But no, I can't afford that yet. Today, I can only afford being apathetic. I guess I need to save up for the rainy days. Even if its just in my head.