Like a rubber ball bouncing from one wall to another - left and right, top to bottom. Like water rushing out from a broken vase. Spontaneous, sporadic. Sometimes forceful, sometimes passive. Umplanned and unthinkable.
I have lost all sense of direction. And I need to find my way again. Can someone just please hand me a map? I am so tired. And lost.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
I Thank The Skies
Somewhere between the time the heavy rains started outside and the phone call I made, was when I realized that I am, indeed, truly OKAY.
I was working late yet again. And I played an old song to keep me company during the long OT hours. I sneaked a glance outside the window and realized the rains have turned to a drizzle. As I glanced down, I had to smile for myself for having made it through the downpour. Yes, the rain is over but the street right beneath me is still wet. And yes, my eyes are dry now, but it doesn't mean they won't moisten again. I feel good though. Not blissful, not exulatnt - just wonderfully, surprisingly OKAY...
And I thank the skies today.
I was working late yet again. And I played an old song to keep me company during the long OT hours. I sneaked a glance outside the window and realized the rains have turned to a drizzle. As I glanced down, I had to smile for myself for having made it through the downpour. Yes, the rain is over but the street right beneath me is still wet. And yes, my eyes are dry now, but it doesn't mean they won't moisten again. I feel good though. Not blissful, not exulatnt - just wonderfully, surprisingly OKAY...
And I thank the skies today.
Friday, July 20, 2007
We Are Only Freshmen
“I have never stopped learning. I am a work in progress.”
I heard this line so many times before from a mentor who is now long-gone. Through the many years that I’ve learned from him, my mentor never failed to remind me that he, as my guru, was also learning from me in more ways than one. True, I was the neophyte. I was the one who needed the learning. And through the sweet, sometimes bitter course of time, I began to realize the most important lesson of all. My teacher taught me, that no matter how great a mentor can be, no one really stops learning.
The age of 20’s to 30s is a phase that I would love to call renaissance. It is an age of reawakening wherein we should’ve learned the old lessons already. It is the time for us to try to be wise and practical at the same time. For most of us, we think that we no longer need the advice of the elderly. We aspire to live alone, earn for own bread and butter, in short, we just try to be independent. Frankly, there is nothing I find wrong with that. Independence is an impressive feeling. It makes us feel powerful. I t makes us feel that we are somehow in control of our own life. But there is thin line between independence and desolation.
Whereas independence makes us feel confident, desolation leaves us lonely and unappreciated. Independence gives us motivation to be better, while desolation leaves us no choice but to be better. Independence is a choice. Desolation is a result of bad choices.
I have a friend who is very successful in her career. At 25, she is already a part of upper Management in a prestigious company. She lives alone. She travels a lot. She earns more than she can spend. In the world of young urban professionals, my 25-year old friend has clearly made it. The question is, made to what? In the middle of the night, my friend yearns for comfort that no money or posh condos could give. In the middle of the fast life, she finds herself wanting to slow down and backtrack to what she really wants in life. In this world of speedy rat races, do we really have to be desolate to be independent?
Sometimes, questions that we don’t have answers to scare us to the brink of nonchalance. Ignorance is bliss, they say. If one can’t answer some questions, they see no point in looking after the answers. Well, what can I say, we are past the age of schools and home works. We are so over the fact that we were once novices and learners eager to learn all that life had to teach. We think we’ve earned our place in the world. Maybe. But if that were the case, questions would’ve stopped coming, would it? If learning has no place in our life now, life should’ve been perfect. And that clearly isn’t. So, what gives?
In this lifetime, one never has to stop learning simply because life is good. One never has to stop to take things to a breather and ask about things that could be and what could’ve been. No one lives twice, and it’s not as simple as repeating 3rd grade or 4th grade if you flunk the last school year. In life, as simple or bizarre this may sound, we are all freshmen.
We are only Freshmen.
I heard this line so many times before from a mentor who is now long-gone. Through the many years that I’ve learned from him, my mentor never failed to remind me that he, as my guru, was also learning from me in more ways than one. True, I was the neophyte. I was the one who needed the learning. And through the sweet, sometimes bitter course of time, I began to realize the most important lesson of all. My teacher taught me, that no matter how great a mentor can be, no one really stops learning.
The age of 20’s to 30s is a phase that I would love to call renaissance. It is an age of reawakening wherein we should’ve learned the old lessons already. It is the time for us to try to be wise and practical at the same time. For most of us, we think that we no longer need the advice of the elderly. We aspire to live alone, earn for own bread and butter, in short, we just try to be independent. Frankly, there is nothing I find wrong with that. Independence is an impressive feeling. It makes us feel powerful. I t makes us feel that we are somehow in control of our own life. But there is thin line between independence and desolation.
Whereas independence makes us feel confident, desolation leaves us lonely and unappreciated. Independence gives us motivation to be better, while desolation leaves us no choice but to be better. Independence is a choice. Desolation is a result of bad choices.
I have a friend who is very successful in her career. At 25, she is already a part of upper Management in a prestigious company. She lives alone. She travels a lot. She earns more than she can spend. In the world of young urban professionals, my 25-year old friend has clearly made it. The question is, made to what? In the middle of the night, my friend yearns for comfort that no money or posh condos could give. In the middle of the fast life, she finds herself wanting to slow down and backtrack to what she really wants in life. In this world of speedy rat races, do we really have to be desolate to be independent?
Sometimes, questions that we don’t have answers to scare us to the brink of nonchalance. Ignorance is bliss, they say. If one can’t answer some questions, they see no point in looking after the answers. Well, what can I say, we are past the age of schools and home works. We are so over the fact that we were once novices and learners eager to learn all that life had to teach. We think we’ve earned our place in the world. Maybe. But if that were the case, questions would’ve stopped coming, would it? If learning has no place in our life now, life should’ve been perfect. And that clearly isn’t. So, what gives?
In this lifetime, one never has to stop learning simply because life is good. One never has to stop to take things to a breather and ask about things that could be and what could’ve been. No one lives twice, and it’s not as simple as repeating 3rd grade or 4th grade if you flunk the last school year. In life, as simple or bizarre this may sound, we are all freshmen.
We are only Freshmen.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Summer Breeze: A Summer Ender Musing
The breeze cools off, and the dust settles. You go home and you wished everything stayed as they were. But nothing ever stays the same. Especially not after a long, hot
summer.
The end of summer has always been nostalgic for me. My past summers were never exceptional, yes, but somehow, I find myself more – what is the term – changed?
For kids, summer is bliss. Time to play, no school, no books. I’ve always looked forward to it when I was young. Back then, summer meant doing all the things I wanted and more. It was about living free, without hassle - without rules. As I grew older, summer became more and more mundane. It simply became a series of sweaty days and hot nights. In college, I started taking summer classes. I barely stayed home. I never found the time to try out the beaches. When I got a job, summer meant even less. It was just more heat, more dust, and higher electricity bill.
My last 3 summers came and went and I never noticed. I was at a point in my life where I took the fast lane, never stopping to look back on things I could be missing. I joined the rat race. In the last couple of weeks, I barely even had time to notice the heat. I hardly ever noticed that in a couple of days, summer would again be over.
Yes, summer is- again- almost over. Two months of supposed lethargy. Two months of supposedly laidback life. I never noticed. What gives?
Summer, just like any other season, is a phase. It has a beginning, and it has an ending. If most people get to have their fun in the summer, that too will have to end one way or another. On the flipside, some people who have lousy summers would find themselves out of the hell hole soon. What is the point of my musings?
It is to remind myself that nothing ever stays the same. Things change, people change. Summer is the time when we commence things – after that, everything supposedly just resets. You try to go back to the customary bustle. You attempt to recede to the normal lifestyle. Fundamentally, the trance and daze sojourn and we attempt to revert to the former routine. But then, nothing ever stays the same. Time is not cyclical, it is one forward motion that goes into infinity.
Summer is over. Whatever we did or did not do is something we take with us head-on. Let’s not go looking back to the things that were. Summer has ended, and the things that were, no longer are.
End of musings.
summer.
The end of summer has always been nostalgic for me. My past summers were never exceptional, yes, but somehow, I find myself more – what is the term – changed?
For kids, summer is bliss. Time to play, no school, no books. I’ve always looked forward to it when I was young. Back then, summer meant doing all the things I wanted and more. It was about living free, without hassle - without rules. As I grew older, summer became more and more mundane. It simply became a series of sweaty days and hot nights. In college, I started taking summer classes. I barely stayed home. I never found the time to try out the beaches. When I got a job, summer meant even less. It was just more heat, more dust, and higher electricity bill.
My last 3 summers came and went and I never noticed. I was at a point in my life where I took the fast lane, never stopping to look back on things I could be missing. I joined the rat race. In the last couple of weeks, I barely even had time to notice the heat. I hardly ever noticed that in a couple of days, summer would again be over.
Yes, summer is- again- almost over. Two months of supposed lethargy. Two months of supposedly laidback life. I never noticed. What gives?
Summer, just like any other season, is a phase. It has a beginning, and it has an ending. If most people get to have their fun in the summer, that too will have to end one way or another. On the flipside, some people who have lousy summers would find themselves out of the hell hole soon. What is the point of my musings?
It is to remind myself that nothing ever stays the same. Things change, people change. Summer is the time when we commence things – after that, everything supposedly just resets. You try to go back to the customary bustle. You attempt to recede to the normal lifestyle. Fundamentally, the trance and daze sojourn and we attempt to revert to the former routine. But then, nothing ever stays the same. Time is not cyclical, it is one forward motion that goes into infinity.
Summer is over. Whatever we did or did not do is something we take with us head-on. Let’s not go looking back to the things that were. Summer has ended, and the things that were, no longer are.
End of musings.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Jaded
Two of my dearest friends are the saddest of people today. Let me tell you a story.
We were friends. It started quite nicely, like new spring breaking the winter. The 2 fell in love, and I watched them grow to be one of the happiest couples I know. I was glad. After a couple of months, there were fights. Nasty words were thrown, but they just kept getting back together. Love conquers all, so they say - and though jaded in love that I was, I started to quite believe in it too. Then months became years. And our friendship just kept getting stronger. Their love, maybe even stronger. But like all things then and now, tests just have to come along the way. I the end, you just have to take it, if you pass, then it's all good.
Someone drove home intoxicated one night. Someone got worried. Someone got nagged. Someone got mad. Two people fought. One asked for space. The other had to give it.
10 days. Someone was confused. Someone was sad. Someone took someone else in a place where people do intimate things. And someone learned about it. And the question was, "Why?"
I thought you needed space to think things through. I thought you wanted to fix this so you had to go away for a while.
And someone said, "I was confused and sad and frustrated because of what happened between us. I am angry at you because nobody was left to care for me"
But wasn't it you who asked for space? Wasn't it you who drove home drunk one night and got mad because someone was concerned? Wasn't it you who finally had to end it? What right do you have now to put the blame on someone else?
You see, I ask these questions now because my friends have been dying to hear from me. I've always been someone who never left their side. I was someone who watched and listened. They thought I knew everything. They thought I could fix everything. Little did they know that it was me who learned from them this time. And whatever that I've learned from them is something I wish I haven't.
Yes, they say love conquers all. Jaded though that I was, I believed in it too. But this time, I simply don't see love in the equation. It was deception and lies that caused all these. It was pride and anger that made you do stupid things. It was you.
Count me out of this.
We were friends. It started quite nicely, like new spring breaking the winter. The 2 fell in love, and I watched them grow to be one of the happiest couples I know. I was glad. After a couple of months, there were fights. Nasty words were thrown, but they just kept getting back together. Love conquers all, so they say - and though jaded in love that I was, I started to quite believe in it too. Then months became years. And our friendship just kept getting stronger. Their love, maybe even stronger. But like all things then and now, tests just have to come along the way. I the end, you just have to take it, if you pass, then it's all good.
Someone drove home intoxicated one night. Someone got worried. Someone got nagged. Someone got mad. Two people fought. One asked for space. The other had to give it.
10 days. Someone was confused. Someone was sad. Someone took someone else in a place where people do intimate things. And someone learned about it. And the question was, "Why?"
I thought you needed space to think things through. I thought you wanted to fix this so you had to go away for a while.
And someone said, "I was confused and sad and frustrated because of what happened between us. I am angry at you because nobody was left to care for me"
But wasn't it you who asked for space? Wasn't it you who drove home drunk one night and got mad because someone was concerned? Wasn't it you who finally had to end it? What right do you have now to put the blame on someone else?
You see, I ask these questions now because my friends have been dying to hear from me. I've always been someone who never left their side. I was someone who watched and listened. They thought I knew everything. They thought I could fix everything. Little did they know that it was me who learned from them this time. And whatever that I've learned from them is something I wish I haven't.
Yes, they say love conquers all. Jaded though that I was, I believed in it too. But this time, I simply don't see love in the equation. It was deception and lies that caused all these. It was pride and anger that made you do stupid things. It was you.
Count me out of this.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
I'm Back?
I'm back! Err, not quite... I have no reason for being away. There is never any acceptable reason why someone goes away. I've been ignoring this blog for quite some time now, and when I tried logging in just a couple of minuets ago, I
didn't remember my log-in and password anymore.
Well, cutting the story short, I finally had to reset everything and save from literally starting from scratch, here I am -- I'm back, and blogging -- but not just quite yet.
That is the sad thing about people going away. You see, we all tend to forget. We forget the beauty of youth. We neglect old feelings. We fail to remember the beauty of what was once shared. People go away so fast not caring to store their log-ins and passwords in a safe place. So when they do decide to come back, they practically have to start all over again. WE NEVER LEARN.
__________________________
My friends judge my moodswings thru my blog. If I have been writing a lot, something's wrong with my life. If I've been awfully quiet, then I am most likely having the time of my life. Sniff, how I wish this holds true this time. I am neither exultant nor jovial at this point in my life. Somehow, everything just isn't falling in their proper places lately. I find myself tired, bored, sick and uninspired all at the same time. I drown myself in sheer poignancy amidst watching collections of old TV series and soap operas.
__________________________
I know I need to shape up soon. There are people out there who need me strong.
But for once, why can't I just let myself be weak?
didn't remember my log-in and password anymore.
Well, cutting the story short, I finally had to reset everything and save from literally starting from scratch, here I am -- I'm back, and blogging -- but not just quite yet.
That is the sad thing about people going away. You see, we all tend to forget. We forget the beauty of youth. We neglect old feelings. We fail to remember the beauty of what was once shared. People go away so fast not caring to store their log-ins and passwords in a safe place. So when they do decide to come back, they practically have to start all over again. WE NEVER LEARN.
__________________________
My friends judge my moodswings thru my blog. If I have been writing a lot, something's wrong with my life. If I've been awfully quiet, then I am most likely having the time of my life. Sniff, how I wish this holds true this time. I am neither exultant nor jovial at this point in my life. Somehow, everything just isn't falling in their proper places lately. I find myself tired, bored, sick and uninspired all at the same time. I drown myself in sheer poignancy amidst watching collections of old TV series and soap operas.
__________________________
I know I need to shape up soon. There are people out there who need me strong.
But for once, why can't I just let myself be weak?
Monday, March 12, 2007
Elbi, One Last Time
I have written about this only once in my lifetime. I rarely even talk about it. I always say that ELBI is set for another story. I have reserved an entirely another paradigm to write about ELBI. And time and again, I have always procrastinated. I can never allow myself to write about it again.
The first time I wrote something about ELBI was about 8 or 9 years ago. It was a sad time for most of us. I wrote a book entitled BOGAS. I have made 2 copies - one I kept for myself, and the other, I gave to someone who might have already lost it by now. When I wrote that book, the memories were vivid. I only had to sit for a moment to gather my thoughts. Pages and pages of memories filled my days. The days turned to months and before I knew it, I had written my first book. As the years passed, I forgot about having ever written it. I have invested too much emotions writing it and it has almost drained me of ever feeling anything again. I have never written anything quite like it again.
Browsing through my old shelves about a week ago, I came upon the once familiar book with the orange cover. I started reading it but felt I couldn't go on. Since last week, the BOGAS book has lain on my bedside table, patiently waiting for me to read it again. It will have to wait for a very long time.
Sometimes you think you're through with your past, but your past ain't through with you. I tried moving on and letting go co'z the past's dead, it can't kill me now.
These days, I admit that ELBI was one of the best things that ever happened to me. If you're thinking college life - no, that's not what it is. ELBI is much more than college life for me. Back then, it was life. It was everything to me. It was home, it was friends, family - past and future. So when it shattered, my life came away to pieces with it. I have picked up the shards since then. I have had my share of bleeding and crying. The scars are almost gone. But I still can't write about ELBI. Why?
In my heart, I know that everything is almost over with ELBI. I have said this before, and I will say it again: No matter how great my past life may have been, it is now exclusively history. I feel the detachment now. I feel ELBI now as one distant memory. Again, why can't I write about it? It is perhaps because I have this one last hope hanging. I have left the place in a hurry without properly closing my doors. I have abandoned a part of my life thinking that I was without options then. Now, I feel the distance. And yes, I want to build my bridges to my past again. I would want to continue where I have left off, if only to see if I have really made the right choices. One last time, let me see and feel ELBI again.
If only for one last time.
The first time I wrote something about ELBI was about 8 or 9 years ago. It was a sad time for most of us. I wrote a book entitled BOGAS. I have made 2 copies - one I kept for myself, and the other, I gave to someone who might have already lost it by now. When I wrote that book, the memories were vivid. I only had to sit for a moment to gather my thoughts. Pages and pages of memories filled my days. The days turned to months and before I knew it, I had written my first book. As the years passed, I forgot about having ever written it. I have invested too much emotions writing it and it has almost drained me of ever feeling anything again. I have never written anything quite like it again.
Browsing through my old shelves about a week ago, I came upon the once familiar book with the orange cover. I started reading it but felt I couldn't go on. Since last week, the BOGAS book has lain on my bedside table, patiently waiting for me to read it again. It will have to wait for a very long time.
Sometimes you think you're through with your past, but your past ain't through with you. I tried moving on and letting go co'z the past's dead, it can't kill me now.
These days, I admit that ELBI was one of the best things that ever happened to me. If you're thinking college life - no, that's not what it is. ELBI is much more than college life for me. Back then, it was life. It was everything to me. It was home, it was friends, family - past and future. So when it shattered, my life came away to pieces with it. I have picked up the shards since then. I have had my share of bleeding and crying. The scars are almost gone. But I still can't write about ELBI. Why?
In my heart, I know that everything is almost over with ELBI. I have said this before, and I will say it again: No matter how great my past life may have been, it is now exclusively history. I feel the detachment now. I feel ELBI now as one distant memory. Again, why can't I write about it? It is perhaps because I have this one last hope hanging. I have left the place in a hurry without properly closing my doors. I have abandoned a part of my life thinking that I was without options then. Now, I feel the distance. And yes, I want to build my bridges to my past again. I would want to continue where I have left off, if only to see if I have really made the right choices. One last time, let me see and feel ELBI again.
If only for one last time.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Ask Me
Most people have secrets. Sometimes they share it to others who are important to them. Sometimes, they share it to people who may not even be important, but because they just understand readily. Lots of people have these closets in their mind and in their soul. For reasons remaining to be unknown, these closets remain unopened for the longest time. Whatever's that's inside are never shown - simply because.
I have a couple of closets. Some, have not been acknowledged until recently. Lately, I have these questions in my mind, and it is only now that I am starting to understand, and maybe accept - little by little.
I am not the type of person though, who divulges things without being asked first. You may find me someone who talks a lot under normal circumstances, but if you really listened...I wasn't really speaking. Most of the things that pass between my lips have just been words. Words come and go. I want to say something now. Something that will last, something that will be a secret between us.
Most of the time, I just listen. I bide my time and take in all that I can muster. Until now, I have kept my silence. So what changed? Lots. Things change, people change. I changed - in more ways than one, in a lot more ways than you can imagine, in a lot more ways than some of you can maybe accept.
I have close friends whom I thought knew me inside out, and until now, I have been continually thankful for the things they have shown and proven to me. I have friends who may not know me inside out, but for some reason, I decided to start with them so there would be less questions. Before , I thought that one of the benefits of having old friends is that you don't have to explain yourself to them anymore. This time, it might be the other way around. My old friends knew me from before, and had there been any changes, they would be the first ones to notice - and ask questions.
I have been waiting for any one of them to ask me. I dropped hints here and there. But I guess friends normally don't notice the slightest hints anymore, simply because they've become too comfortable with who I was. Now, I want them to ask. Because this time, I know I am ready. I have gotten past that threshold of knowing myself a little bit better, and I have gotten over that fear of revealing a bit more of myself.
Ask me.
I know you have questions now. If you had the slightest inkling before, don't put it our of your mind anymore. See, I wanted to share this with you all this time, but you never asked the question. These days, lot and lots of new people start to know things about me, but I feel regret in not allowing my old friends to know about it first.
I am what I am.
I love as I am.
I show me as I am....
And up to this day, I remain your old friend, despite the changes...despite of what I've become.
Ask me the right questions.
I've dared myself to answer.
I have a couple of closets. Some, have not been acknowledged until recently. Lately, I have these questions in my mind, and it is only now that I am starting to understand, and maybe accept - little by little.
I am not the type of person though, who divulges things without being asked first. You may find me someone who talks a lot under normal circumstances, but if you really listened...I wasn't really speaking. Most of the things that pass between my lips have just been words. Words come and go. I want to say something now. Something that will last, something that will be a secret between us.
Most of the time, I just listen. I bide my time and take in all that I can muster. Until now, I have kept my silence. So what changed? Lots. Things change, people change. I changed - in more ways than one, in a lot more ways than you can imagine, in a lot more ways than some of you can maybe accept.
I have close friends whom I thought knew me inside out, and until now, I have been continually thankful for the things they have shown and proven to me. I have friends who may not know me inside out, but for some reason, I decided to start with them so there would be less questions. Before , I thought that one of the benefits of having old friends is that you don't have to explain yourself to them anymore. This time, it might be the other way around. My old friends knew me from before, and had there been any changes, they would be the first ones to notice - and ask questions.
I have been waiting for any one of them to ask me. I dropped hints here and there. But I guess friends normally don't notice the slightest hints anymore, simply because they've become too comfortable with who I was. Now, I want them to ask. Because this time, I know I am ready. I have gotten past that threshold of knowing myself a little bit better, and I have gotten over that fear of revealing a bit more of myself.
Ask me.
I know you have questions now. If you had the slightest inkling before, don't put it our of your mind anymore. See, I wanted to share this with you all this time, but you never asked the question. These days, lot and lots of new people start to know things about me, but I feel regret in not allowing my old friends to know about it first.
I am what I am.
I love as I am.
I show me as I am....
And up to this day, I remain your old friend, despite the changes...despite of what I've become.
Ask me the right questions.
I've dared myself to answer.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Good Friends
Getting together with good friends with good food and a good ol' camera handy always spells F-U-N. I've been working my ass so hard as of late. But just after spending a couple of hours with these guys, I felt rejuvenated right away. There's simply nothing heartfelt laughter, tons of hugs and warm kisses can't cure these days. If I may quote Shelay,
"Hay Jing, sarap...para akong galing sa bakasyon..."
Kurak! I've been lucky enough to have found friends in the workplace. I've always been attached to my college friends in the past, and somehow, without knowing it, I have subconsciously been shying away from establishing new bonds with other poeple.
Over time though, I have learned to accept that no matter how great my old friendships may have been, they are already a part of my past. Something good is worth keeping but just the same, 
they also fade away. Not to say though that I severe old ties. Because I don't.
they also fade away. Not to say though that I severe old ties. Because I don't.I just realized one day that I can't live in the past like I used to anymore. I need to reach out to other people. And I needed to give myself another chance to experience good friendship again.
It feels nice to have friends. Sometimes it's what keeps me going. It makes me feel that no matter what, I got these people behind me and I know they're there for keeps.
Monday, January 29, 2007
rather stoic than vulnerable
For the most part, January, for me was a jump from one activity to the next. Every week, there was always something going on. Everyday was just another day to finish all my deliverables. Every weekend, I promised myself to go easy but I broke each one. You know, ordinarily, I would have been ranting already. But I'm not. Somehow, I welcome the tiredness. It makes it easier for me to fall asleep when I get home. Somehow I love being overwhelmed. It takes my mind off from things I'd rather not think about.
The only real time I have for myself these days is when I'm in the bathroom. When I'm there doing all my stuff, I just let my mind wander and think closely where really I'm at now. Am I happy? Am I okay? Am I smoking too much again? Am I sick? Am I mad? These are questions that I swirl in my mind for 10 minutes that I have to stay in the bathroom. That's it, just 10 minutes. These days, I don't have the luxury to think so much on how I feel. I'd rather be stoic than vulnerable.
So I guess the question there is why. Why am I putting myself in a situation where I will have to eventually ask myself all the why's again. I'll answer that later. My 10 minutes for the day is done. Maybe I'll have an answer next time. Try asking me. If I cry, then you hit a nerve. If I smile, then it's just another day.
The only real time I have for myself these days is when I'm in the bathroom. When I'm there doing all my stuff, I just let my mind wander and think closely where really I'm at now. Am I happy? Am I okay? Am I smoking too much again? Am I sick? Am I mad? These are questions that I swirl in my mind for 10 minutes that I have to stay in the bathroom. That's it, just 10 minutes. These days, I don't have the luxury to think so much on how I feel. I'd rather be stoic than vulnerable.
So I guess the question there is why. Why am I putting myself in a situation where I will have to eventually ask myself all the why's again. I'll answer that later. My 10 minutes for the day is done. Maybe I'll have an answer next time. Try asking me. If I cry, then you hit a nerve. If I smile, then it's just another day.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Of Endings and Beginnings
And so I was crossing the road, not looking left nor right,
not caring whether the light was red or green. In a split of
a second, just when I thought I wouldn't make it over to the
other side, I felt my feet step on the sidewalk. And that's
when I closed my eyes and breathed. I knew it was over.
Endings.
2006 was the worst and best year for me. I had the highest
of highs and the lowest of lows. Last year, I lost a great
love, but I gained a bestfriend. I am now leaving a job I
love because I just got a promotion. I am currently in the
process of closing doors and opening windows, and at
some point while doing that, I also decided to clean out
some closets in my mind. We all have these tiny skeletons
of the past. Some are thrown out, some are kept for
memories' sake, and quite interestingly, there would still
be some that you bring along for future plans. I've packed
my bags. And I've sealed the boxes in my garage. I've left
parts of me to close friends and special colleagues, and
I'm only bringing along my own personal baggages.
Memories are kept, and new ones are being woven as I
write this.
Moving on.
In the words of a dear friend, moving on is being able to
look back, feel back and live back without the pain of ever
wanting to go back. Simple words for a hard feat. I have
gone through great pains to leave a world of
disappointments and dismay only to find myself in the
same place again. Mistakes can happen twice over. And
lessons can be re-learned, right? If you fail and stumble,
just get up and try again. Wounds heal and scars fade. We
find a good grip on things and we try not to slip the next
time, that's how it is. I can honestly say my wounds are
healing but on cold nights and rainy days, they do hurt a
bit - still. But then sometimes pain is good. It reminds us
that we are alive. So once in a while during those rare
blue moons, I let my old self wallow in misery. Being
miserable is not so bad. In those times, you feel so sad
already that it couln't hurt any more. So sulk, indulge, let
the coldness and darkness engulf, it only goes better from
there.
Beginnings
Everything starts with that tiny first step. Just before a huge
avalanche, little stones start falling first. Prior to a
monstrous thunderstorm, we get some rain first. And just
before you hear thunder, you see a flash of lightning first.
Needless to say, when something ends, something else
begins.
I wrote this article quite unsure where my words would
take me. It has taken me from endings to beginnings then
back again. I play with these words as if I were unsure of
where to go. So I ask myself, where do I take off from
here? I haven't figured yet. But one thing's sure, I am
moving on. I have crossed over the road and stepped on
that sidewalk on the other side. I've closed my eyes and
breathed and knew it was over. As soon as I open my eyes,
I'm sure there's no other way but forward.
not caring whether the light was red or green. In a split of
a second, just when I thought I wouldn't make it over to the
other side, I felt my feet step on the sidewalk. And that's
when I closed my eyes and breathed. I knew it was over.
Endings.
2006 was the worst and best year for me. I had the highest
of highs and the lowest of lows. Last year, I lost a great
love, but I gained a bestfriend. I am now leaving a job I
love because I just got a promotion. I am currently in the
process of closing doors and opening windows, and at
some point while doing that, I also decided to clean out
some closets in my mind. We all have these tiny skeletons
of the past. Some are thrown out, some are kept for
memories' sake, and quite interestingly, there would still
be some that you bring along for future plans. I've packed
my bags. And I've sealed the boxes in my garage. I've left
parts of me to close friends and special colleagues, and
I'm only bringing along my own personal baggages.
Memories are kept, and new ones are being woven as I
write this.
Moving on.
In the words of a dear friend, moving on is being able to
look back, feel back and live back without the pain of ever
wanting to go back. Simple words for a hard feat. I have
gone through great pains to leave a world of
disappointments and dismay only to find myself in the
same place again. Mistakes can happen twice over. And
lessons can be re-learned, right? If you fail and stumble,
just get up and try again. Wounds heal and scars fade. We
find a good grip on things and we try not to slip the next
time, that's how it is. I can honestly say my wounds are
healing but on cold nights and rainy days, they do hurt a
bit - still. But then sometimes pain is good. It reminds us
that we are alive. So once in a while during those rare
blue moons, I let my old self wallow in misery. Being
miserable is not so bad. In those times, you feel so sad
already that it couln't hurt any more. So sulk, indulge, let
the coldness and darkness engulf, it only goes better from
there.
Beginnings
Everything starts with that tiny first step. Just before a huge
avalanche, little stones start falling first. Prior to a
monstrous thunderstorm, we get some rain first. And just
before you hear thunder, you see a flash of lightning first.
Needless to say, when something ends, something else
begins.
I wrote this article quite unsure where my words would
take me. It has taken me from endings to beginnings then
back again. I play with these words as if I were unsure of
where to go. So I ask myself, where do I take off from
here? I haven't figured yet. But one thing's sure, I am
moving on. I have crossed over the road and stepped on
that sidewalk on the other side. I've closed my eyes and
breathed and knew it was over. As soon as I open my eyes,
I'm sure there's no other way but forward.
Let's go.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)