rather stoic than vulnerable

For the most part, January, for me was a jump from one activity to the next. Every week, there was always something going on. Everyday was just another day to finish all my deliverables. Every weekend, I promised myself to go easy but I broke each one. You know, ordinarily, I would have been ranting already. But I'm not. Somehow, I welcome the tiredness. It makes it easier for me to fall asleep when I get home. Somehow I love being overwhelmed. It takes my mind off from things I'd rather not think about.

The only real time I have for myself these days is when I'm in the bathroom. When I'm there doing all my stuff, I just let my mind wander and think closely where really I'm at now. Am I happy? Am I okay? Am I smoking too much again? Am I sick? Am I mad? These are questions that I swirl in my mind for 10 minutes that I have to stay in the bathroom. That's it, just 10 minutes. These days, I don't have the luxury to think so much on how I feel. I'd rather be stoic than vulnerable.

So I guess the question there is why. Why am I putting myself in a situation where I will have to eventually ask myself all the why's again. I'll answer that later. My 10 minutes for the day is done. Maybe I'll have an answer next time. Try asking me. If I cry, then you hit a nerve. If I smile, then it's just another day.