rather stoic than vulnerable

For the most part, January, for me was a jump from one activity to the next. Every week, there was always something going on. Everyday was just another day to finish all my deliverables. Every weekend, I promised myself to go easy but I broke each one. You know, ordinarily, I would have been ranting already. But I'm not. Somehow, I welcome the tiredness. It makes it easier for me to fall asleep when I get home. Somehow I love being overwhelmed. It takes my mind off from things I'd rather not think about.

The only real time I have for myself these days is when I'm in the bathroom. When I'm there doing all my stuff, I just let my mind wander and think closely where really I'm at now. Am I happy? Am I okay? Am I smoking too much again? Am I sick? Am I mad? These are questions that I swirl in my mind for 10 minutes that I have to stay in the bathroom. That's it, just 10 minutes. These days, I don't have the luxury to think so much on how I feel. I'd rather be stoic than vulnerable.

So I guess the question there is why. Why am I putting myself in a situation where I will have to eventually ask myself all the why's again. I'll answer that later. My 10 minutes for the day is done. Maybe I'll have an answer next time. Try asking me. If I cry, then you hit a nerve. If I smile, then it's just another day.

Of Endings and Beginnings

And so I was crossing the road, not looking left nor right,
not caring whether the light was red or green. In a split of
a second, just when I thought I wouldn't make it over to the
other side, I felt my feet step on the sidewalk. And that's
when I closed my eyes and breathed. I knew it was over.
Endings.
2006 was the worst and best year for me. I had the highest
of highs and the lowest of lows. Last year, I lost a great
love, but I gained a bestfriend. I am now leaving a job I
love because I just got a promotion. I am currently in the
process of closing doors and opening windows, and at
some point while doing that, I also decided to clean out
some closets in my mind. We all have these tiny skeletons
of the past. Some are thrown out, some are kept for
memories' sake, and quite interestingly, there would still
be some that you bring along for future plans. I've packed
my bags. And I've sealed the boxes in my garage. I've left
parts of me to close friends and special colleagues, and
I'm only bringing along my own personal baggages.
Memories are kept, and new ones are being woven as I
write this.
Moving on.
In the words of a dear friend, moving on is being able to
look back, feel back and live back without the pain of ever
wanting to go back. Simple words for a hard feat. I have
gone through great pains to leave a world of
disappointments and dismay only to find myself in the
same place again. Mistakes can happen twice over. And
lessons can be re-learned, right? If you fail and stumble,
just get up and try again. Wounds heal and scars fade. We
find a good grip on things and we try not to slip the next
time, that's how it is. I can honestly say my wounds are
healing but on cold nights and rainy days, they do hurt a
bit - still. But then sometimes pain is good. It reminds us
that we are alive. So once in a while during those rare
blue moons, I let my old self wallow in misery. Being
miserable is not so bad. In those times, you feel so sad
already that it couln't hurt any more. So sulk, indulge, let
the coldness and darkness engulf, it only goes better from
there.
Beginnings
Everything starts with that tiny first step. Just before a huge
avalanche, little stones start falling first. Prior to a
monstrous thunderstorm, we get some rain first. And just
before you hear thunder, you see a flash of lightning first.
Needless to say, when something ends, something else
begins.
I wrote this article quite unsure where my words would
take me. It has taken me from endings to beginnings then
back again. I play with these words as if I were unsure of
where to go. So I ask myself, where do I take off from
here? I haven't figured yet. But one thing's sure, I am
moving on. I have crossed over the road and stepped on
that sidewalk on the other side. I've closed my eyes and
breathed and knew it was over. As soon as I open my eyes,
I'm sure there's no other way but forward.

Let's go.

Hop Beaver Die!