Of Endings and Beginnings

And so I was crossing the road, not looking left nor right,
not caring whether the light was red or green. In a split of
a second, just when I thought I wouldn't make it over to the
other side, I felt my feet step on the sidewalk. And that's
when I closed my eyes and breathed. I knew it was over.
Endings.
2006 was the worst and best year for me. I had the highest
of highs and the lowest of lows. Last year, I lost a great
love, but I gained a bestfriend. I am now leaving a job I
love because I just got a promotion. I am currently in the
process of closing doors and opening windows, and at
some point while doing that, I also decided to clean out
some closets in my mind. We all have these tiny skeletons
of the past. Some are thrown out, some are kept for
memories' sake, and quite interestingly, there would still
be some that you bring along for future plans. I've packed
my bags. And I've sealed the boxes in my garage. I've left
parts of me to close friends and special colleagues, and
I'm only bringing along my own personal baggages.
Memories are kept, and new ones are being woven as I
write this.
Moving on.
In the words of a dear friend, moving on is being able to
look back, feel back and live back without the pain of ever
wanting to go back. Simple words for a hard feat. I have
gone through great pains to leave a world of
disappointments and dismay only to find myself in the
same place again. Mistakes can happen twice over. And
lessons can be re-learned, right? If you fail and stumble,
just get up and try again. Wounds heal and scars fade. We
find a good grip on things and we try not to slip the next
time, that's how it is. I can honestly say my wounds are
healing but on cold nights and rainy days, they do hurt a
bit - still. But then sometimes pain is good. It reminds us
that we are alive. So once in a while during those rare
blue moons, I let my old self wallow in misery. Being
miserable is not so bad. In those times, you feel so sad
already that it couln't hurt any more. So sulk, indulge, let
the coldness and darkness engulf, it only goes better from
there.
Beginnings
Everything starts with that tiny first step. Just before a huge
avalanche, little stones start falling first. Prior to a
monstrous thunderstorm, we get some rain first. And just
before you hear thunder, you see a flash of lightning first.
Needless to say, when something ends, something else
begins.
I wrote this article quite unsure where my words would
take me. It has taken me from endings to beginnings then
back again. I play with these words as if I were unsure of
where to go. So I ask myself, where do I take off from
here? I haven't figured yet. But one thing's sure, I am
moving on. I have crossed over the road and stepped on
that sidewalk on the other side. I've closed my eyes and
breathed and knew it was over. As soon as I open my eyes,
I'm sure there's no other way but forward.

Let's go.

Hop Beaver Die!

christmas with the bogas

I saw my old friends last week. Old, in the sense na sila ang mga old timers na kasama ko nung mga panahong luka luka pa ko, at never silang nang-iwan, at old in the sense, na pare-pareho na kaming tumatanda at narerealize namin yun! Shet.
Mabelle, Richard and Blen (with Marie) were there. I met with them in Figaro, and as ever, I was the first one to arrive at the place. Mabelle met up with Blen and Marie in Alabang. At si Cardinal, he was soo late! Kainez!
We had coffee, then dinner, then coffee again, then beer. All these, done amidst clouds of cigarette smoke, old songs, good conversation, and hearty laughter.
My old friends and I, we go a long way back. We were together when we were all young and idealistic. We wove dreams together. We made plans happen. We were there when everybody was drunk. We stayed even when everyone else sobered up. We nursed hang-overs together. And when there were enemies, we attacked like a pack of wolves. There were times when laughter and tears go together, but we never chose to hang out anywhere else. My house was theirs. Their food was mine. And we lived a simple, pretty life. Like all things good and beautiful, it had to end somehow. People had to go out of the country. People get married, they have babies. I had to pursue a dream. Things change and people change. These days, the bogas, or at least, the bogas who are here in Pinas, try to meet at least once a year. Some things never change, be it the littlest of things. We still laugh together. We talk 'til sunrise. And no matter how the world has changed us so far, the friendship lies deep enough to relive if only for one night each year.

We sure miss the others whom we haven't seen in years. There's so much stories to tell. There's so much happening in our lives that it feels unnatural to not share it with people who have been there when even the deepest secrets seemed like a normal trivia that everyone shared. In 5 or 10 years, who knows what happens. I hope to spend more of my older years with you my friends. It makes me realize how youth can be such a very beautiful place to be.

see you later potpot!

bye bye cindypotpot! see you later. good luck!

of boats and piranhas

Sabi nila, "it ain't over till it's over." Fine, 'key fine. Alam mo sabi ko? 50% done is better than kaput. So ayan, tapos na unang hurdle. Nainterview na ko. Bahala na si batman kung anong gagawin nila dun sa mga pinagsasagot ko. Sabi nina Mayet at Shelly nung dumating ako sa floor, dapat pipiliin ko mga pinagkakatiwalaan ko. Sabi ko noon, sus naman ako pa sinabihan niyo nyan. Alam ko na kung paano iwanan ng mga kaibigan sa ere no. So ganun. So ganyan. Tuloy-tuloy lang. Ngayon ko na lang inisip ulit yung sinabi nina Mayet at Shelly. Dapat nga ginalingan ko pumili ng pagkakatiwalaan. Ayan natuto naman ako eh. Half-learning is always better than being an idiot forever.

Matagal-tagal na rin bago ako nakaramdam ulit ng kaba. Sa totoo lang, parang hindi nga ako kinabahan. Parang more of fear yung nararamdaman ko in the last 2 days. Sabi niYoda, "Fear leads to anger...and anger leads to..darkness" ba yun? Ah basta, alam niyo na yun. Hindi ko alam kung ano kinakatakutan ko. Para kasing nasa bangka ako. Nasa gitna ng dagat. Tahimik ang paligid at ni hindi umaalon ang tubig. Masaya na ako sa bangka pero alam ko darating ang araw na maghahanap na ko ng yate. So sagwan ako ng sagwan at nagpapanic na ko. Sa kaguluhan ko, baka bigla na lang tumaob ang bangka. At mahirap lumangoy ng mag-isa. Takot akong lumangoy mag-isa. Ang nakakatakot, marami pa yatang piranha sa paligid ko. Ingat ka jing, sa mga pinagkakatiwalaan mo. Magtiwala ka sa bangka mo. Magtiwala ka sa sarili mo at sa paglangoy mo. Pero ang piranha? Ingat ka.

Minsan naiisip ko kung bakit mabilis ako magtiwala sa tao. Kapag may nakikilala akong bago, 100% ang tiwala ko dyan. Habang nagtatagal kaming magkakilala, tsaka pa lang nababawasan yung tiwala ko. Dapat yata hindi ganun. Sabi nga ni papa, "Trust is earned". Magpundar ka naman bago kita pagkatiwalaan. Tsk, di na ko natuto. Pero hayaan mo, kahit madami kayong piranha sa paligid ko, parating na ang yate. May mga kaibigan ako dun. Matagal na nilang inaabot kamay nila para makaalis ako sa tubig. Kung ma-delay ang yate ko, don't worry me bangka ako. At yung mga piranha? Tsk, tsk, wag na sila umasa, di nila ako masasaktan.

and so it was...

"Mauna na ako."
"Hanggang dito na lang ako."
...and it ended this way.

wheels are turning

...click.
they started turning again.
these wheels.
in my head.
...click.
just like that.
keep 'em coming baby. let it roll.
i'm on fire.
motion without friction.
whirlwind.
fast and furious.
these guys keep my sanity.


Mt. Makiling - October 2006