Usapang Lolo't Lola

I'm a martial law baby alright.

Pinanganak ako 1979 at nagkamuwang ang isip noong panahong umuwi't napatay si Ninoy Aquino sa Pilipinas noong 1982. 

Pero hindi ko idi-discuss ang martial law dito at hindi ako magiging pulitikal dito sa post ko na to. Sa ibang panahon natin paguusapan ang love and hate relationship ko sa mga Marcos.

Ang 80's, on a more personal note, ay panahong lahat ng mga mahal ko sa buhay, mula lolo, lola hanggang apo (sa akin at sa mga kapatid ko at mga pinsan) ay buhay at kumpleto pa. Nawalan ako ng lola noong 1987. First time ko yatang makakita ng labi ng patay nang malapitan noon. At hanggang ngayon, 27 years later, tanda ko pa rin kung paanong me humaplos sa aking malamig na hangin habang papalapit ako sa unang pagkakataon sa labi ng yumao kong lola. 9 years old lang ako noon pero doon ako nagsimulang maniwala sa  after life. 

Matagal-tagal din na naging biyudo ang lolo ko. 23 years din bago siya sumunod kay Nana sa kabilang ibayo. Ngayon, parehong pares ng lolo't lola ko, wala na. Ang paborito kong "lula" na kapatid ng lolo ko, namahinga na rin nung nakaraang taon lang.

Naisip ko lang, dumarating pala sa buhay yung marerealize mo na hindi ka na "apo" kasi walang nang tatawag sayo ng apo. Maiiwan ang pagiging anak, pamangkin, kapatid, pero apo, nawawala yan kasabay ng pagkamatay ng mga lolo't lola mo.

Bakit ba paraang nahipan ako ng hangin at biglang nagsulat ng ganito? Wala naman, nakakamiss lang magkaroon ng lolo't lola. Parang pag kasama mo sila, walang mali sa mundo, walang masama. Yun bang alam mong kahit makatulog ka ng walang kumot, meron at merong magtatalukbong sa yo kahit gaano na kalalim ang gabi. Yung pag naghanap ka ng halo halo sa hapong tirik na tirik ang araw, alam mong me mahihingan ka ng bente na walang kasamang pagalit.At yung pag nagbabakasyon ka sa probinsya, alam mong me nakaantabay sa pagdating mo at laging nagmamadaling salubungin ka? Nakakamiss.

Malapit na ang All Soul's Day. Hind ako makakauwi ngayong taon, katulad ng iba pang taon at All Soul's Day na lumipas. Hindi ako madalas dumalaw sa mga puntod ng lolo't lola ko. Pero sa isip? Lagi ko silang kausap, magpa-hanggang ngayon. . 

Usapang Trabaho

Nakakatamad magtrabaho. Masarap tumambay na lang sa bahay at manood ng TV magdamag. Inaantok na naman ako. Naghahanap ng magagawa dito sa opisina. Magpapanggap na busy at may katuturan ang ginagawa. Ilang oras na naman kaya ang bubunuin ko ngayon?

Bakit nga ba ako nagtratrabaho? Maliban sa simpleng rason na kelangan ko kumita, wala na akong ibang maisip na dahilan kung bakit kailangan kong pumasok sa trabaho araw –araw. Mahirap bumangon kung di mo alam para saan at para kanino mo ginagawa ito.

Minsan iniisip ko kung nasa tamang industriya ba ako at tama ang pinili kong karera. Sabagay di ko naman talaga to pinili. Nagkataon lang na ito ang trabahong naghihire at nagbigay sakin ng magandang suweldo nung mga panahong kinailangan ko nang magtrabaho. Sa nakalipas na 9 na taon, itong trabaho ko ang naging buhay ko. Pero hindi dahil ginalingan ko o naging magaling ako sa ginagawa ko. Ang ibig ko lang sabihin, dito umikot ang buhay ko – kumikita ako para mabuhay, nabubuhay ako para kumita. Ganun lang.

Sa siyam na nakalipas na taon, halos hindi ko ipinahinga ang sarili ko. Pinakamatagal na siguro ang tatlong araw na bakasyon na madalas, itinutulog ko na lang. Pambawi sa ilang gabing kulang sa tulog dahil sa trabaho. Minsan, umuuwi ako sa amin sa probinsiya, pero kung nataong wala pang sweldo, hindi na lang ako tumutuloy. Don’t get it wrong. Hindi ako inoobliga ng magulang ko na magbigay sa kanila. Kung tutuusin, mas may kaya sila kaysa sa akin. Pero alam mo yun? Pag umuwi ka na di ka man lang makabili ng kahit ano para sa kanila o yung tipong di mo mailabas man lang sila, parang me kulang yung bakasyon mo. So ayun, pag wala akong ekstrang pera, di na lang ako umuuwi.

Sa haba ng mga taon ng pagtratrabaho ko, hindi ganun kalaki ang ipon ko. Di ko nga alam kung ipon ba ang tawag doon sa sobrang liit. Wala din akong kotse at lalong walang naipundar na bahay o lupa. Minsan inisip ko na lang, di ko naman kasi kailangan ng mga bagay na yan. Wala naman akong anak na kailangan pag aralin at suportahan, aanhin ko ang malaking pera? Nakatira ako malapit sa pinagtratrabahuan ko, at mahal ang parking sa building ko, hindi praktikal bumili ng kotse. At dahil wala naman akong pagpapamanahan ng ari-arian ko, aanhin ko ang lupa’t bahay? Ang dami kong pwedeng ibigay na rason para i-justify lahat to. Pero minsan nakakainis pa rin na wala ako ng mga ito, kasi sa maraming tao, eto ang basehan nila ng pagiging successful.

Kapag me nakikita akong lumang kakilala, mapa-kaibigan man o pamilya, “O kumusta ka na, asan ang bahay mo?” “Uy, mukhang successful tayo ah, ilan ang kotse mo?” Alam mo yun? Minsan ako na ang umiiwas na makipagkita sa mga lumang kakilala.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko naisulat ito ngayon. Siguro dumarating lang talaga minsan sa tao na nagtatanong kung bakit niya ginagawa ang ginagawa niya. Wala naman kasi akong ibang ginawa kundi magtrabaho sa nakalipas na 9 na taon. Minsan baka sa kakatutok natin sa isang bagay, di natin mapansin ang mga mas dapat pala nating pinagtuunan ng atensyon at panahon. Ayokong magising na lang isang umaga na matanda na at nagtratabaho pa rin dahil yun na lang ang alam kong gawin.
Kailangan ko na muna magisip ng mga susunod na hakbang mula dito. Kung anuman ang mangyari, makikita mo.

Chewii, My Little Man

My little furry man. I seriously couldn't imagine life before we got him.

These days, it doesn't matter anymore if we stink of lamb meat and chicken half the time - just because that's all Chewii ever eats. It also doesn't matter that we rush home every single day after work so this canine gets fed on time and gets his share of walking exercise in the morning. Traveling outside the city becomes an event that needs big planning each time whether or not we're bringing him along. Waking to go to work has become more than rushing to the shower and getting clothed because we have to heat his broth and soak his kibbles.


You'd ask, has life become more difficult?

Oh no, life has been more lovely and beautiful - fur, licks and all. :)

On To The City of Pines

Tomorow, I will be going up to Baguio for a much needed R&R.

Baguio has always held a soft spot in me, as like all other people who have been smitten with the city's magical lure.

I only wish I wasn't going to Baguio with all other million people going up for the Panagbenga Festival. Nevertheless, I still feel excited.

KG will be going with me and we have a lot of activities lined up. We havent been really to Baguio as a couple so this time, it will be like just the 2 of us, a million other tourists withstanding.

Baguio feels like Elbi to me sometimes. I don't know why. Well my mom went to college there and based on the stories she tells us, she had the time of her life there. She used to date PMA cadets and her bestfriend actually got married to an officer who later became the country's Chief of Staff. My mom would tell us stories about how much her allowance was back then. She would say that our late Nana was very generous with money and she got around 20 pesos monthly allowance. Uh, okay, how much was 20 pesos worth then, anyway?

Well, mom says, a bottle of coke cost around 10 cents. A pair of Levi's was 7 pesos. A tray-full of eggs was 25cents. So I do a little math in my head, and santa banana, my mom must have been rich!

When I went to college, my monthly allowance couldn't have afforded me a pair of Levi's. Sure, I always had money then, and it was always easy to ask for "advances" , but I didnt have any of the luxury stuff. Maybe except for the Alcatel cellphone my parents gave me plus the extra loads they sent me soon after. Looking back though, I wish I had the discipline back then to have spent my allowances on more meaningful stuff. I splurged a big part of it on parties, booze and cigarettes. I wish I had chosen to spend for a class ring instead. Or maybe a yearbook. I don't know, I just feel sometimes that I wasted an awful lot of money on useless stuff.

This weekend, when I go to Baguio, I will make certain that I dont do so much of the tourist-ty stuff. No more buying mundane stuff that you can buy at every little tiangge across the Philippines. This time, I want to invest on the things that matter. The ones that will last.

Will post about the Baguio trip soon!

Kowtabol Kowts

Movie fan that I am, I sometimes exert an effort to get lost in movie histories, behind the scenes, and yes,famous movie lines. I came across these memorable lines from Filipino movies and I couldn't resist posting them. As you will notice, I didn't add the usual lines you'd most likely find in other blogs. Enjoy!

Nora Aunor & Vilma Santos in Danny Zialcita's T-Bird At Ako

Nora: Bakit? Sino ka ba ano ba'ng ipinagmamalaki mo? Katawan lang 'yan! Saan ba galing 'yan sa putik?

Vilma: Putik nga ako pero kahit ganito ako nagsisimba ako kahit paano. At ang sabi ng nasa Itaas ang sala sa init sala sa lamig, iniluluwa ng langit, isinusuka ng Diyos!

Nora Aunor to Miguel Rodriguez in I Can't Stop Loving You

"Ito ang tandaan mo Jeffrey Carbonell, babalik ako sa itaas at pag nasa itaas na ako, duduraan kita!"

Maricel Soriano to Nida Blanca in Saan Darating Ang Umaga?

"Wala sa damit, wala sa kulay ang pagmamahal. Nasa puso nasa utak!"

From Patigasan ang Labanan:

(Bella Flores to Paquito Diaz)"Diligin mo ng suka ang tuyo kong lumpia!"

That's it for now. I will add more to this when I have more time to dig. ;)

Riding Into The Unknown

I brought Gulliver home 3 weeks ago.
Gulliver is a 2-wheeled folding bike fully intended to accompany me in my pursuit of leisurely travels. Gulliver’s travels – get it?

I have always loved riding bikes for as long as I can remember. Even when I didn’t know how to ride it. You see, I never owned a bike when I was young. Nor did any of my cousins. I was also not allowed to play with the neighborhood kids. So I never learned how to ride a bike properly. Such was my longing to ride a 2-wheeled vehicle that one time, in 6th grade, I think, one of my guy friends brought his brother’s scooter to school. I borrowed it and hoped that if I drove fast enough, the wheels would balance themselves on their own. True enough, I didn’t fall sideways, but I did zoom straight into an open water canal.

This was an anecdote that one of my old teachers loved to tell her class from that point on. You see, while I was driving into my imminent fall into the canal, my teacher was on the 2nd floor, teaching another class. She claims she saw me in slow motion through the large windows at that time. And for the love of me, she was panicking, gesturing wildly as if having a heart attack in front of the whole class. Funny story.

I eventually learned how to bike. Serendipitously. I was taught by near-strangers who I happen to be stranded with because of a cancelled practice for a school activity I no longer remember. I remember it was a drizzly afternoon when I asked this obscure classmate to allow me to mount his bike and if he be so kind to push me. I don’t know, maybe I just really looked desperate but soon enough, this boy asked 2 more people to help half-push, half support my weight while I pedaled incessantly. I flew that day. In hindsight, that was probably one of the most memorable moments of my life.

After that, I had an on and off relationship with riding. There’s this ride down a hill towards a national highway with busted breaks. Another ride with a backrider who crashed with me 4 meters into the ride. An adventurous encounter with a goat. And then there’s this beautiful sunrise ride back in the old hometown of my father.

If I had my way, I would have been riding all my life. But life happens when we’re too busy working and that’s another story I will tell one day.

Anyhoots, Gulliver has been out with me for about 2 consecutive weekends now. It has been quite exciting to finally rediscover the backends and alleys of Makati again. I have been visiting parks too, and in an instant, I was back to my old years. During my ride breaks, I have this special area in this park where I just sit and tilt my head to soak in the morning sunlight. I stay there for 30 minutes or so and sometimes just watch a group of people doing yoga a few grassfields away. Sometimes I catch a wink or two. I am planning to bring a mat and a book next time so I can have myself a pretty little picnic there. I ride on Sundays so there normally isn’t a lot of noise around, even in Makati. And so I have been hearing the leaves rustling in the wind again. And yes, (my sisters will tease me about this), I have been smelling my favorite scent in the world -- newly cut grass, again.

I have been telling KG how much I feel so alive and young lately. I’m not sure she knows that I attribute this to my rekindled love of biking. This time, I hope that I get to be more consistent in taking Gulliver with my travels. My siblings are I are going home to Ilocos for Christmas. If there’s enough room in the trunk, I just might be able to bring Gulliver to visit the Ilocos mansion.

More Gulliver journals coming up, you betcha.

When It's Over

When do you say it's over? How do you know the chains that have held you back for so long have finally broken?
 People take years to forget. Some take a lifetime. The lucky ones take a second - and yes, they are lucky for they do not feel the pain of the past. But nor do they feel the wonder of it either -

I have not been good at forgetting. When I was younger, I would not go to sleep until I've memorized all my school notes from the previous day. Every little detail mattered to me. I never had difficulty with my classes (until I learned how to party, that is --but that's a different story) because I'd always remember my professors' lectures. Words and images would stick in my head and will take years to fade. These days, whenever I'd meet old friends and family, we spend hours reminiscing old stuff - most of it are re-told by me. Many times, over and over - until the stories becomes an extension of myself. And I would feel like I was back in the day and I'd tell the stories as if it were just happening at the moment - emotions, and all.

 And so during times like this when I'm confronted with a vague memory, I think hard and I think deep why it has been forgotten. I have come to realize that some of my melancholic memories have been reduced to snippets. Not because they were painful, you see, because I'm a sucker for mellowdramas but mainly because I didnt want to remember how special these were.
I no longer want to remember how special these memories were.Because at some point, I became the only one considering it special any more.

 Memories are woven thoughts and feelings that form images in the mind. Brittle and raw. Fading and unfading.

I have been gifted with a memory so good that I remember every little story I heard when I was a kid. Every song I listened to on the radio thru the decades. Every character and plot of each book I've read. Every family member's smile and voice. The way the each grandparent sounded when they called my name. The smell of my father's shirt right after he comes home from work. The contents of my mother's office bag. The smell of my pencil case every June when I've just bought new pencils and erasers. My sister's breakfast table stories. Everyone I've loved in one way or another --

I remember you. And the things we did, and dreamed about. I remember the things that mattered to us. But I stopped. I tried forgetting. And I became so good at forgetting, sometimes I don't even feel like I was even there. I'm not sure why I wrote this. I'm not even sure if I'd try to start remembering again. I know I should - this is the only way I can capture how beautiful my life has been. Beautiful, yes, but not without pain. And I can take that. I can take the pain. But knowing and feeling that I am now the only one feeling fondness for these memories is more than I can bear.

Memories unshared are just stories. And stories can may as well be forgotten.