Maybe. Maybe Not.

Sometimes I lay in bed in the wee hours and stare at the clock facing my bed. I watch each second turn into the next and this goes on for a bit of time until  I get sleepy enough to want to go back to lala land. Most of the time, I drift back off, but on other occasions, I let the ticking seconds guide me into the sunrise.


Every weekend these last few months,  as soon as my body feels it has rested quite enough, it wakes my mind and tells my eyes to stare at the clock. Every weekend.


Its not a bad thing actually. I even look forward to it sometimes. These days, everything is just so good that I can afford to spend a few good hours each week just savoring the quiet buzzing in my head. As of late, I have been in a state of balance wherein things, places and people are moving by at a pace that I want them to. The birds are chirping in my window. The sunlight passes through my curtains in just the right angles. The music is both rich and quiet in my ears. And my heart has been calm. The mind is quiet.


This piece of corner has been witness to a lot of ups and downs of this writer. At the moment, this one's a plateau. Do I prefer it any other way? Maybe. Maybe not. Remember that line I used to always say about movies and ice cream? Maybe I really shouldn't always  be asking  too much about why I have kept on searching.  Maybe the movie and ice cream are enough. Maybe. Maybe not.

At Work at 3 in the Morning

This is a product of a boredom. I should be doing something else.
I want a job that can challenge my mind.
For about 3 years now, I have been sitting each worknight, staring at my screen with sheer boredom.
Zzzzzz.
The quick brown fox jumped over the back of the lazy dog.
 Dog lazy the of back the over jumped fox brown quick the.
Why am I wasting my life in this craphole? Yes, I have a job that pays the bills, for services I may not even need if I didn’t have to work. See what I did there?
I work to earn my keep to continue working. It’s a very, very nasty cycle.
I just want to go home and watch TV all day. Or maybe sleep the whole day.
Yeah, I should sleep more often. I never get enough sleep these days.
 I wake up every day so I can spend most of it wasting away.
Now my weekends are a different thing altogether.
 My Saturdays and Sundays are sacred. Aside from myself and family, I do not want to spend these 2 days with anyone else.
You think I should quit my job? Yes, most definitely. But do what? I've never done anything else. And nor do I know anything else that pays as much.
Aah, grown-up problems.
I wish I could just quit everything right away and not endure the consequences.
Or maybe if I had a remote control that would let me pause myself while everything and everyone else around just goes on. You know?

Usapang Lolo't Lola

I'm a martial law baby alright.

Pinanganak ako 1979 at nagkamuwang ang isip noong panahong umuwi't napatay si Ninoy Aquino sa Pilipinas noong 1982. 

Pero hindi ko idi-discuss ang martial law dito at hindi ako magiging pulitikal dito sa post ko na to. Sa ibang panahon natin paguusapan ang love and hate relationship ko sa mga Marcos.

Ang 80's, on a more personal note, ay panahong lahat ng mga mahal ko sa buhay, mula lolo, lola hanggang apo (sa akin at sa mga kapatid ko at mga pinsan) ay buhay at kumpleto pa. Nawalan ako ng lola noong 1987. First time ko yatang makakita ng labi ng patay nang malapitan noon. At hanggang ngayon, 27 years later, tanda ko pa rin kung paanong me humaplos sa aking malamig na hangin habang papalapit ako sa unang pagkakataon sa labi ng yumao kong lola. 9 years old lang ako noon pero doon ako nagsimulang maniwala sa  after life. 

Matagal-tagal din na naging biyudo ang lolo ko. 23 years din bago siya sumunod kay Nana sa kabilang ibayo. Ngayon, parehong pares ng lolo't lola ko, wala na. Ang paborito kong "lula" na kapatid ng lolo ko, namahinga na rin nung nakaraang taon lang.

Naisip ko lang, dumarating pala sa buhay yung marerealize mo na hindi ka na "apo" kasi walang nang tatawag sayo ng apo. Maiiwan ang pagiging anak, pamangkin, kapatid, pero apo, nawawala yan kasabay ng pagkamatay ng mga lolo't lola mo.

Bakit ba paraang nahipan ako ng hangin at biglang nagsulat ng ganito? Wala naman, nakakamiss lang magkaroon ng lolo't lola. Parang pag kasama mo sila, walang mali sa mundo, walang masama. Yun bang alam mong kahit makatulog ka ng walang kumot, meron at merong magtatalukbong sa yo kahit gaano na kalalim ang gabi. Yung pag naghanap ka ng halo halo sa hapong tirik na tirik ang araw, alam mong me mahihingan ka ng bente na walang kasamang pagalit.At yung pag nagbabakasyon ka sa probinsya, alam mong me nakaantabay sa pagdating mo at laging nagmamadaling salubungin ka? Nakakamiss.

Malapit na ang All Soul's Day. Hind ako makakauwi ngayong taon, katulad ng iba pang taon at All Soul's Day na lumipas. Hindi ako madalas dumalaw sa mga puntod ng lolo't lola ko. Pero sa isip? Lagi ko silang kausap, magpa-hanggang ngayon. . 

Usapang Trabaho

Nakakatamad magtrabaho. Masarap tumambay na lang sa bahay at manood ng TV magdamag. Inaantok na naman ako. Naghahanap ng magagawa dito sa opisina. Magpapanggap na busy at may katuturan ang ginagawa. Ilang oras na naman kaya ang bubunuin ko ngayon?

Bakit nga ba ako nagtratrabaho? Maliban sa simpleng rason na kelangan ko kumita, wala na akong ibang maisip na dahilan kung bakit kailangan kong pumasok sa trabaho araw –araw. Mahirap bumangon kung di mo alam para saan at para kanino mo ginagawa ito.

Minsan iniisip ko kung nasa tamang industriya ba ako at tama ang pinili kong karera. Sabagay di ko naman talaga to pinili. Nagkataon lang na ito ang trabahong naghihire at nagbigay sakin ng magandang suweldo nung mga panahong kinailangan ko nang magtrabaho. Sa nakalipas na 9 na taon, itong trabaho ko ang naging buhay ko. Pero hindi dahil ginalingan ko o naging magaling ako sa ginagawa ko. Ang ibig ko lang sabihin, dito umikot ang buhay ko – kumikita ako para mabuhay, nabubuhay ako para kumita. Ganun lang.

Sa siyam na nakalipas na taon, halos hindi ko ipinahinga ang sarili ko. Pinakamatagal na siguro ang tatlong araw na bakasyon na madalas, itinutulog ko na lang. Pambawi sa ilang gabing kulang sa tulog dahil sa trabaho. Minsan, umuuwi ako sa amin sa probinsiya, pero kung nataong wala pang sweldo, hindi na lang ako tumutuloy. Don’t get it wrong. Hindi ako inoobliga ng magulang ko na magbigay sa kanila. Kung tutuusin, mas may kaya sila kaysa sa akin. Pero alam mo yun? Pag umuwi ka na di ka man lang makabili ng kahit ano para sa kanila o yung tipong di mo mailabas man lang sila, parang me kulang yung bakasyon mo. So ayun, pag wala akong ekstrang pera, di na lang ako umuuwi.

Sa haba ng mga taon ng pagtratrabaho ko, hindi ganun kalaki ang ipon ko. Di ko nga alam kung ipon ba ang tawag doon sa sobrang liit. Wala din akong kotse at lalong walang naipundar na bahay o lupa. Minsan inisip ko na lang, di ko naman kasi kailangan ng mga bagay na yan. Wala naman akong anak na kailangan pag aralin at suportahan, aanhin ko ang malaking pera? Nakatira ako malapit sa pinagtratrabahuan ko, at mahal ang parking sa building ko, hindi praktikal bumili ng kotse. At dahil wala naman akong pagpapamanahan ng ari-arian ko, aanhin ko ang lupa’t bahay? Ang dami kong pwedeng ibigay na rason para i-justify lahat to. Pero minsan nakakainis pa rin na wala ako ng mga ito, kasi sa maraming tao, eto ang basehan nila ng pagiging successful.

Kapag me nakikita akong lumang kakilala, mapa-kaibigan man o pamilya, “O kumusta ka na, asan ang bahay mo?” “Uy, mukhang successful tayo ah, ilan ang kotse mo?” Alam mo yun? Minsan ako na ang umiiwas na makipagkita sa mga lumang kakilala.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko naisulat ito ngayon. Siguro dumarating lang talaga minsan sa tao na nagtatanong kung bakit niya ginagawa ang ginagawa niya. Wala naman kasi akong ibang ginawa kundi magtrabaho sa nakalipas na 9 na taon. Minsan baka sa kakatutok natin sa isang bagay, di natin mapansin ang mga mas dapat pala nating pinagtuunan ng atensyon at panahon. Ayokong magising na lang isang umaga na matanda na at nagtratabaho pa rin dahil yun na lang ang alam kong gawin.
Kailangan ko na muna magisip ng mga susunod na hakbang mula dito. Kung anuman ang mangyari, makikita mo.

Chewii, My Little Man

My little furry man. I seriously couldn't imagine life before we got him.

These days, it doesn't matter anymore if we stink of lamb meat and chicken half the time - just because that's all Chewii ever eats. It also doesn't matter that we rush home every single day after work so this canine gets fed on time and gets his share of walking exercise in the morning. Traveling outside the city becomes an event that needs big planning each time whether or not we're bringing him along. Waking to go to work has become more than rushing to the shower and getting clothed because we have to heat his broth and soak his kibbles.


You'd ask, has life become more difficult?

Oh no, life has been more lovely and beautiful - fur, licks and all. :)

On To The City of Pines

Tomorow, I will be going up to Baguio for a much needed R&R.

Baguio has always held a soft spot in me, as like all other people who have been smitten with the city's magical lure.

I only wish I wasn't going to Baguio with all other million people going up for the Panagbenga Festival. Nevertheless, I still feel excited.

KG will be going with me and we have a lot of activities lined up. We havent been really to Baguio as a couple so this time, it will be like just the 2 of us, a million other tourists withstanding.

Baguio feels like Elbi to me sometimes. I don't know why. Well my mom went to college there and based on the stories she tells us, she had the time of her life there. She used to date PMA cadets and her bestfriend actually got married to an officer who later became the country's Chief of Staff. My mom would tell us stories about how much her allowance was back then. She would say that our late Nana was very generous with money and she got around 20 pesos monthly allowance. Uh, okay, how much was 20 pesos worth then, anyway?

Well, mom says, a bottle of coke cost around 10 cents. A pair of Levi's was 7 pesos. A tray-full of eggs was 25cents. So I do a little math in my head, and santa banana, my mom must have been rich!

When I went to college, my monthly allowance couldn't have afforded me a pair of Levi's. Sure, I always had money then, and it was always easy to ask for "advances" , but I didnt have any of the luxury stuff. Maybe except for the Alcatel cellphone my parents gave me plus the extra loads they sent me soon after. Looking back though, I wish I had the discipline back then to have spent my allowances on more meaningful stuff. I splurged a big part of it on parties, booze and cigarettes. I wish I had chosen to spend for a class ring instead. Or maybe a yearbook. I don't know, I just feel sometimes that I wasted an awful lot of money on useless stuff.

This weekend, when I go to Baguio, I will make certain that I dont do so much of the tourist-ty stuff. No more buying mundane stuff that you can buy at every little tiangge across the Philippines. This time, I want to invest on the things that matter. The ones that will last.

Will post about the Baguio trip soon!

Kowtabol Kowts

Movie fan that I am, I sometimes exert an effort to get lost in movie histories, behind the scenes, and yes,famous movie lines. I came across these memorable lines from Filipino movies and I couldn't resist posting them. As you will notice, I didn't add the usual lines you'd most likely find in other blogs. Enjoy!

Nora Aunor & Vilma Santos in Danny Zialcita's T-Bird At Ako

Nora: Bakit? Sino ka ba ano ba'ng ipinagmamalaki mo? Katawan lang 'yan! Saan ba galing 'yan sa putik?

Vilma: Putik nga ako pero kahit ganito ako nagsisimba ako kahit paano. At ang sabi ng nasa Itaas ang sala sa init sala sa lamig, iniluluwa ng langit, isinusuka ng Diyos!

Nora Aunor to Miguel Rodriguez in I Can't Stop Loving You

"Ito ang tandaan mo Jeffrey Carbonell, babalik ako sa itaas at pag nasa itaas na ako, duduraan kita!"

Maricel Soriano to Nida Blanca in Saan Darating Ang Umaga?

"Wala sa damit, wala sa kulay ang pagmamahal. Nasa puso nasa utak!"

From Patigasan ang Labanan:

(Bella Flores to Paquito Diaz)"Diligin mo ng suka ang tuyo kong lumpia!"

That's it for now. I will add more to this when I have more time to dig. ;)