To Molly and Sally

To Molly & Sally *

Molly and Sally went to the stars,
And left the belltower in the south
Some say it was a good decision,
But how so, when someone was left with no reason...

Molly and Sally were my friends,
And we had plans of travelling together
We had fun, we would have laughed forever,
But not a sign remains, oh brother, oh brother...

May, an old friend, told we should move on
For in the end, no one really stays
For in the end, nothing really lingers
In the end, no one really has anyone...

I miss Molly and Sally
I should've gone with them
I would've gone with them
But then, I couldn't have gone with them...

Its been 2 days and 20 hours since
And I've been toxic the whole time,
So sue me, I've a right to be bitchy,
For in the end, I only have me

*For want of anonymity, Molly, Sally and May are not the real names of people concerned. And no, going to the stars does not mean they're fond of STAR Margarine (haha!). And yes, the belltower in the south, is really in the south. The toxicity mentioned is an understatement. I've been more than toxic. I bite these days. Don't try me, I can swear and bitch and suck your eyeballs out, and it'll be like heaven for me. I could chop your ears and tongues for dinner and kick your balls til they turn to mush and be nonchalant about it. DON'T BITCH WITH ME, YE HEAR??!

LOLA:1930-2005

Death, however painful, sets you free.
I took the news quite calmly. In fact, I went to sleep right after. When I woke, nothing in the world seemed to have changed. I took my my meal, had my shower, and went to work.
It still amazes me how one could feel so much yet so little at the same time. Could I be on a stage of denial? Could be. I wasn't thinking of anything too much. God forgive me, I wasn't even thinking of her.

My grandmother passed away last November 12. She had a stroke almost 3 weeks ago and at her age, nobody was hopeful that she would survive it. My dear lola tried her best though. She held on, long enough to give us a much-needed hope. She stayed, albeit just a while, for the sake of giving us a much-needed strength.

Lola had to stay for a couple of days at the ICU. She was later transferred to a private room because apparently, she was getting better.Two days before her time, she was actually strong enough to move about. Her right side was immobile but the left side was strong enough to allow her some movement.

Thursday, lola was given a discharge permit from her neurologists. The doctors said she is safe albeit full recovery is still going to take some time. The family decided to stay one more day at the hospital to make sure everything is really okay. This would also give us more time to do some adjustments at home to accomodate lola's situation.

The family constructed a fully-functional room to serve as lola's recovery bedroom in tita Dottie's house which is nearest the hospital. By Friday, everything was all set. A new bed has been delivered, the bathroom has just been finalized to the tiles. That morning, lola lapsed into a coma. By Saturday, 10:30 in the morning, she peacefully retired in her hospotal bed.


Death grips you in the heart. It could get so painful that we shoud just stop breathing. I had some lucid moments before I took full grip of the situation. I had to think and provide answers that lola is in a better place, that lola is spared of further suffering. But rationalizing death does not make it any less painful. Nothing could make the loss of a loved-one painless. Nothing.

Last Saturday was lola's interment. I filed for 3-day bereavement leave from the office.
Saturday was a cloudy, cold day. It was fitting for grieving and mourning. Early that day, I asked my brother Macky, my cousins Berg and RJ to pick roses with me. Some 3 years ago when my grandfather died, the people who attended the interment took it upon themselves to shower his coffin with flowers. I had the same thing in mind for lola. Back at the old hometown in Enrile, roses abound. At this time of the year, I was not expecting so much of it, but we managed to fill 4 bags full of roses. My lola would have loved seeing it.


I pricked my fingers while picking the roses. I didn't even bleed. I should have, if only to feel more alive that day. You see, a part of me died with lola. My last link to my father's relatives has just passed away. In my father's own words, "What further reason do we have to go home after she's gone?" All of my lola's children have families of their own already. All these years, we have only gone home to the family house for one reason, and one reason alone : for my grandparents. Both are gone now. And much as it pains me to even think about it, I don't think I would be going home to lolo's and lola's home in years to come.

Leaving for Manila last Saturday night was so painful to the point of being physical. While I was hugging and kissing my relatives, I kept looking for a familiar face that used to be always there whenever I left. Lola has always been the first and last person to kiss me whenever I went home to their house in Enrile. She would always put her face beside my face and smell me like she wants my scent to linger. I missed that. I am missing it right now.



There are so many if's on my mind right now. I remember planning to go home last summer to visit my lola. I remember planning to go with my family last October when they visited her. I remember wanting to buy something for my lola out of my first salary. I remember a lot of things. I would eternally wish I had enough time to have done these. Sometimes remembering these pains me. On other times, I just let go. She would have wanted me to. There is only one thing I could never seem to come to term with. When lolo died, I was the only grandchild who was not there with him. Before lola passed away, I was again, the only grandchild to have not seen her on her hospital bed. I have had no closure. And I badly need that right now.


Death has always been something that I was afraid of. I looked at it with fearful apprehension. I shrudder at the mere thought. When I was a child, thinking of my mortality kept me awake for nights on end. I've always cried when I get reminded that I, would eventually die like everyone else.
These days, death is still my worst fear. It has become my antagonist, the shadow on my being.
Not so many deaths has touched my family, and for that, I am thankful. I have one grandfather still alive and I hope he stays with us for a while longer. To my lola who has just stepped through that threshod that I am so afraid of, I will continue to pray so she may help me deal with my personal trepidations.
Once I accept death as natural as breathing, then I shall say I have truly had closure. Then I shall say, "death, however painful, sets you free..."
And I would truly mean it.

shivers, tingles and goosebumps

My bestfriend Cindy came over my pad today for an overdue get-together for just us gurls. We really haven't planned anything out, other than hang out in my room or go to the mall or eat out or somethin'. Turned out we didn't get to do any of these.

I was checkin out my piggy bank earlier this morning while I was waitin for Cinds. So I was all sprawled eagle-style on my bed and I was opening the "secret door" of my piggy bank. Now this piggy bank was given to me by my best gurl Cinds. And aside from the fact that yes, 'twas given by my best bud (I couldn't emphasize more, can I?), this piggy bank is also special because it contained paper bills instead of the usual coins. Mind you, it's all 500Php bills at that! And so I started countin' and suddenly, I sat up straight! Gawd, I have over 10 grand worth of bills stuck somewhere and I didn't have any freakin clue until now. (Whooopeee!)

So I said to myself, "What now, Jing, huh? What are you gonna do?"

Hmm. Tough. I'm usually a scrimper. But hey, this was way too good to even think of saving it. I was makin' plans before I knew it. "Now what's takin Cinds so long?" I was thinking of havin us do some shopping spree.

Cinds arrived a coupla' minutes later and when I asked her what took her long, she went, "I had to go to the bank to start a savings account."

AAAAH!

I am such a weak person when it comes to these things. I almost never, ever spend unless I really, really need to. And just when I thought I'm gonna give in and go over that threshold, here comes my best gurl who thinks the exact opposite of what I'm about to do. And did I mention that Cindy is my crux of influence 99% of the time? Yes! Cinds is my guru. She says it, it's done before I knew it. So...you have any idea what happened next?

I opened my 2nd savings account today.

____________________________

Then we went to Megamall. We had lunch at...oh dupe, I forget! I actually kept tab on where we ate because I wanted to blog about...but guess what, I don't remember it now. I was supposed to write somethin about how the chicken barbeque was freakin stale and difficult to chew while the liempo made up for it by tasting so...tender, so scrumptious, so juicy, so ooh.. (eew, for my lack of appropriate adjectives, did I really have to moan??) Sheesh.

Then we walked around for a while trying to figure out why we were at the mall when we just deposited all our money at the bank just a couple of hours ago. So then when reality set in, and we realized that we were not buying anything, we decided to go back to my place to have a nap.

Wrong idea.

When I left home earlier this morning, Fatee (my maid) was there. I usually don't bring my house keys unless I know that nobody's gonna be home. Fatee's day-off is still a few days away. SO WHY DID I FREAKIN FIND A FREAKIN NOTE TAPED TO MY FRONT DOOR TELLING THAT SHE FREAKIN WENT OUT??!

Apparently, my tito Lando who was visiting for 2 days asked her to accompany him somewhere. Tito Lando is not familiar with Manila's street, so fine! I freakin understand that!

"So, where do we go Cinds?"
We stayed by my plants for about a couple of minutes. Gawd, we were so sleepy already. We were thinking of going to a local hostel or something but Cinds changed her mind coz she doesn't think she's comfortable going to places like those.
"How about maybe goin to this new spa that just opened a couple of blocks away?", says Cinds.

Cinds, being my crux of influence had me go with her to the spa in no time.

First was the steam bath. It was hot, hot hot! (I should have expected that, wool-head!)
After steamy, sweaty 20 minutes, we took a lukewarm shower and off we went to those comfy massage tables.
The room had soft lights and the stereo system had a tantric hum playing softly.
And I was naked from head to foot, save from a white towel draped across my back
Soon after I was moaning in my head for the most intense body massage ever. No pun intended folks, it was super. I'm not sure now if I should go into the nitty-gritty coz this blog might sound pornographic. But here, lemme tell ya, it's been 5 hours already since the massage, and I'm still tingling all over. Now, if that's not good massage, I dunno what is.

So enihoots, after the massage, we had to go home already because Cinds has work the next day and moi needed some sleep.

This has been a long log. I should be sleeping already but for some reason, I still have these goosebumps from the massage. I don't wanna be caught dead moaning in my sleep now, do I?
So hereI am... still writing..and writing..and writing...

Innocence is Power

Ivan Ross at Lolo's House

My dad's sister, let's call her tita Eva. Now, tita Eva got married a couple of years back. She married late and all of us knew it would be a real blessing if she would manage to conceive a baby. After one operation and a lot of check-ups however, she blessedly gave birth to my cousin Ivan, who became the clan's darling since then.

Now a couple of days ago, I heard this story from Con who just spent Halloween with tita Eva and her family back at the good ol' Trinidad country.

Tita Eva and Tito Lito (her husband) were having a heated argument while driving. Ivan was at the back sitting with his yaya Fe and half-sister Princess. Now, husband and wife were almost shouting in front. Princess and yaya Fe were both looking out the window, trying not to listen. And then Ivan goes:

"Mommy, Daddy! Tumigil na kayo! At ikaw Daddy, pinakasalan mo si Mommy, at pinanganak niyo pa ako, so stop!"

Husband and wife fell silent. The family continued riding. And there was world peace.
Now, who says innocence is not power?

Halloween

And so it's the deads' day and I feel like one of 'em zombies who just happened to be at the Metro on a long weekend.

I was not able to go with my folks on their long vacation ride, but I intended to spend the remains of my Halloween break well-rested and relaxed and pampered. But no. You see, I just had to get sick. I've been on a sneeze roller-coaster for about a week now and when I woke up last night (which is the by the way, the official start of my break), I was running a fever.

I could go on and on but in the meantime, I dont feel very comfortable complaining about bein' sick. My grandmother had a stroke just a couple of days ago and she was in the ICU for about 3 days. Now, tonsilitis at home is definitely not something to be so angsty about compared to not bein' able to move half of your body, right? But lola's okay now. She's out of danger, says Connie who's there at the family house in Cagayan with the rest of them Trinidad people.

So enihoots, I'm in my apartment now with my loyal Fatee - my maid- who accompanied me on these long days albeit of us not speaking so much with each other. There wasn't much to do at home and Fatee has been really helpful these last few days so I gave her 2 days off startin' yesterday. She's been goin' out for most part of the day since.

As for moi, I've been watchin' lotsa movies, as I needed to catch up with my DVD and VCD list. I've also been trying to finish reading Lord of Chaos, which has been stuck in front of my nose since 3AM today.

I dont feel like writing. I feel sick, bored and lazy all at the same time.

Before I completely waste this entry and delete it altogether, I'm gonna stop writing-right now.