the new "do"

Good Friends

Getting together with good friends with good food and a good ol' camera handy always spells F-U-N. I've been working my ass so hard as of late. But just after spending a couple of hours with these guys, I felt rejuvenated right away. There's simply nothing heartfelt laughter, tons of hugs and warm kisses can't cure these days. If I may quote Shelay,

"Hay Jing, sarap...para akong galing sa bakasyon..."

Kurak! I've been lucky enough to have found friends in the workplace. I've always been attached to my college friends in the past, and somehow, without knowing it, I have subconsciously been shying away from establishing new bonds with other poeple.

Over time though, I have learned to accept that no matter how great my old friendships may have been, they are already a part of my past. Something good is worth keeping but just the same, they also fade away. Not to say though that I severe old ties. Because I don't.

I just realized one day that I can't live in the past like I used to anymore. I need to reach out to other people. And I needed to give myself another chance to experience good friendship again.

It feels nice to have friends. Sometimes it's what keeps me going. It makes me feel that no matter what, I got these people behind me and I know they're there for keeps.

rather stoic than vulnerable

For the most part, January, for me was a jump from one activity to the next. Every week, there was always something going on. Everyday was just another day to finish all my deliverables. Every weekend, I promised myself to go easy but I broke each one. You know, ordinarily, I would have been ranting already. But I'm not. Somehow, I welcome the tiredness. It makes it easier for me to fall asleep when I get home. Somehow I love being overwhelmed. It takes my mind off from things I'd rather not think about.

The only real time I have for myself these days is when I'm in the bathroom. When I'm there doing all my stuff, I just let my mind wander and think closely where really I'm at now. Am I happy? Am I okay? Am I smoking too much again? Am I sick? Am I mad? These are questions that I swirl in my mind for 10 minutes that I have to stay in the bathroom. That's it, just 10 minutes. These days, I don't have the luxury to think so much on how I feel. I'd rather be stoic than vulnerable.

So I guess the question there is why. Why am I putting myself in a situation where I will have to eventually ask myself all the why's again. I'll answer that later. My 10 minutes for the day is done. Maybe I'll have an answer next time. Try asking me. If I cry, then you hit a nerve. If I smile, then it's just another day.

Of Endings and Beginnings

And so I was crossing the road, not looking left nor right,
not caring whether the light was red or green. In a split of
a second, just when I thought I wouldn't make it over to the
other side, I felt my feet step on the sidewalk. And that's
when I closed my eyes and breathed. I knew it was over.
Endings.
2006 was the worst and best year for me. I had the highest
of highs and the lowest of lows. Last year, I lost a great
love, but I gained a bestfriend. I am now leaving a job I
love because I just got a promotion. I am currently in the
process of closing doors and opening windows, and at
some point while doing that, I also decided to clean out
some closets in my mind. We all have these tiny skeletons
of the past. Some are thrown out, some are kept for
memories' sake, and quite interestingly, there would still
be some that you bring along for future plans. I've packed
my bags. And I've sealed the boxes in my garage. I've left
parts of me to close friends and special colleagues, and
I'm only bringing along my own personal baggages.
Memories are kept, and new ones are being woven as I
write this.
Moving on.
In the words of a dear friend, moving on is being able to
look back, feel back and live back without the pain of ever
wanting to go back. Simple words for a hard feat. I have
gone through great pains to leave a world of
disappointments and dismay only to find myself in the
same place again. Mistakes can happen twice over. And
lessons can be re-learned, right? If you fail and stumble,
just get up and try again. Wounds heal and scars fade. We
find a good grip on things and we try not to slip the next
time, that's how it is. I can honestly say my wounds are
healing but on cold nights and rainy days, they do hurt a
bit - still. But then sometimes pain is good. It reminds us
that we are alive. So once in a while during those rare
blue moons, I let my old self wallow in misery. Being
miserable is not so bad. In those times, you feel so sad
already that it couln't hurt any more. So sulk, indulge, let
the coldness and darkness engulf, it only goes better from
there.
Beginnings
Everything starts with that tiny first step. Just before a huge
avalanche, little stones start falling first. Prior to a
monstrous thunderstorm, we get some rain first. And just
before you hear thunder, you see a flash of lightning first.
Needless to say, when something ends, something else
begins.
I wrote this article quite unsure where my words would
take me. It has taken me from endings to beginnings then
back again. I play with these words as if I were unsure of
where to go. So I ask myself, where do I take off from
here? I haven't figured yet. But one thing's sure, I am
moving on. I have crossed over the road and stepped on
that sidewalk on the other side. I've closed my eyes and
breathed and knew it was over. As soon as I open my eyes,
I'm sure there's no other way but forward.

Let's go.

Hop Beaver Die!

christmas with the bogas

I saw my old friends last week. Old, in the sense na sila ang mga old timers na kasama ko nung mga panahong luka luka pa ko, at never silang nang-iwan, at old in the sense, na pare-pareho na kaming tumatanda at narerealize namin yun! Shet.
Mabelle, Richard and Blen (with Marie) were there. I met with them in Figaro, and as ever, I was the first one to arrive at the place. Mabelle met up with Blen and Marie in Alabang. At si Cardinal, he was soo late! Kainez!
We had coffee, then dinner, then coffee again, then beer. All these, done amidst clouds of cigarette smoke, old songs, good conversation, and hearty laughter.
My old friends and I, we go a long way back. We were together when we were all young and idealistic. We wove dreams together. We made plans happen. We were there when everybody was drunk. We stayed even when everyone else sobered up. We nursed hang-overs together. And when there were enemies, we attacked like a pack of wolves. There were times when laughter and tears go together, but we never chose to hang out anywhere else. My house was theirs. Their food was mine. And we lived a simple, pretty life. Like all things good and beautiful, it had to end somehow. People had to go out of the country. People get married, they have babies. I had to pursue a dream. Things change and people change. These days, the bogas, or at least, the bogas who are here in Pinas, try to meet at least once a year. Some things never change, be it the littlest of things. We still laugh together. We talk 'til sunrise. And no matter how the world has changed us so far, the friendship lies deep enough to relive if only for one night each year.

We sure miss the others whom we haven't seen in years. There's so much stories to tell. There's so much happening in our lives that it feels unnatural to not share it with people who have been there when even the deepest secrets seemed like a normal trivia that everyone shared. In 5 or 10 years, who knows what happens. I hope to spend more of my older years with you my friends. It makes me realize how youth can be such a very beautiful place to be.

see you later potpot!

bye bye cindypotpot! see you later. good luck!