it's been a year...

I turn one year today. So sue me, this is going to be a long post, read it or not.

I have been tending to my corner for exactly one year now. Friends, family and strangers have sometimes visited. A couple came back for a bit more. A few never left. I never intended to share my thoughts this way. I was never a person who shared life stories, much less personal views and feelings to people who didn't at least know my middle name and REAL name. I bet you don't know my middle name, huh? Don't worry sweetie, most of my friends don't. It's one of 'em little secrets I keep with no real goal but to add some sense of mystery to an already mysterious life.

Keeping up with this corner has left me breathless at times. There were months when all I wanted to do every waking moment was to write for and re-design my blog. Ironically, there were also times when I didn't know kaput on anything to write. I searched oceans and skies, 'til I even looked into cupboards and old boxes just to find something to write about. Believe me, I spent some sleepless nights trying to work out some topics in my head. It took me quite a moment to realize that unlike my non-ending theses from college, I didn't have to do research for this corner. This is one place where I can write without editing. This is one place where no one will grade me for a write up. This is one place where I can let me be.

So okay, for the last 12 months, I let myself be - and you may have been one of the people who was a witness to that. Have you been lurking by my corner from the time when I considered this my own? Or have you just dropped by now to see if you would want to stay longer? I talk, rant, adore, insult, wonder, and write about my life in this blog. People have dropped in and out, reading bits and pieces every now and then. Quite similarly, that's how I live my life too. People come and go in my life. I have had issues with goodbyes before. I never give anything up. Never giving up is one hell of a job to do. I paid the price, but now I think I've learned my lessons. I never give up these days. STILL. But now, I think I've learned to let go. Difference? You tell me.

In the last 12 months, I have loved, and was loved well. I have wanted to leave, but I ended up getting left. Irony of all ironies, I have also felt more loved than ever, when I was left alone to be by my lonesome.

In the last 12 months, I have learned that people need a reason to stay. Going away is not merely wanting to give up and let go, but also to distance one's self in an effort to understand things from another perspective.

In the last 12 months, I have come to realize that losing a grandparent is something that makes a grandchild feel she's no longer a child. And that she has no one to call her such, because that grandchild is now limited to being a daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin.

In the last 12 months, I have felt that there is never enough time to spend with family and friends. If there was, I am most certain that I have used up each second. Each millisecond. Each nanosecond.

In the last 12 months, I have managed to appreciate local TV listings simply because I find simple pleasure in watching Bulagaan in Eat Bulaga.

In the last 12 months, I knew that some bosses, no matter how high and mighty, can be a real pain in the ass, and that almost the whole world listens to these highs and mighties no matter how stupid they sound.

In the last 12 months, I have come to accept that no matter how I want my brother to stay with me here in the Metro, and finish in the same alma mater where I have, in the end, he just has to follow his own dreams.

In the last 12 months, I have let myself believe that I could quit smoking at will, but all too soon succumb back to the old habit, just because...

In the last 12 months I have come to accept that I, in fact, do snore (very, very softly). I never heard myself go zzzzz, but yes, I have a feeling I do that.

In the last 12 months, I have finally resigned to myself that even if I enjoy bus rides immensely, there's no way I'd sacrifice my own safety by riding the bus when I go to work. Calling for a cab everyday has been burning a hole in my pocket, but sheesh, my money better go to the cab driver than to hold-uppers.

In the last 12 months, I discovered that much as an alcohol drinker I may be or may have been, I am no match to tequilla. Give me a case of beer. Red horse, even. Give me piñacolada. Gin bilog or gin bulag. Lambanog. Siyoktong. Anything, even the devil's piss. But no tequilla for me please.

In the last 12 months, I have found out that while making out in the parking can be extremely exciting, and yes even kinky (ha!ha!-- don't read this mother!), it is nothing but a prelude to a scandal, or worse, disaster.

In the last 12 months, I have known who my real friends from college were. I was such a figure in college (yeah right!) that for a while, I was jaded on what real friendship meant. I'm still jaded these days, but I guess I'm slowly coping. Those who stuck by me - thank you.

In the last 12 months, I have believed in fate, destiny and plain coincidence, not necessarily in that order. But yes, things have happened sometimes for a reason, sometimes because they just have to, or sometimes even when they don't need to.

In the last 12 months, I have made this one choice. It's a very important choice but one which I can't say yet. Time will tell, you'll see. But yes, I have been the master of my fate. The captain of my soul. Needless to say, you'll know it beforeI tell you.

In the last 12 months, I have dreamed. Conquered some. Needing some. Living some. I have made the most of what I have, but that doesn't stop me from wanting just a tad more, one step at a time. Most dreams are still being woven. Most are in order. Most are to watch out for. No rush, not at all. Hey after all, 12 months is just one year. Next year, come by this corner again. Don't forget to smell the flowers.