Last October

Almost a year ago, this happened to me. This time, it's almost happening again. What's this about history (fuckin') repeating itself? As a graduated historian, I should've known better, correct? You know what, I believe I did. But it wasn't my place to do anything about it. I went along with the tide the first time, not knowing where it'd take me because it was too strong to resist. This time, there simply was no choice. One morning, I woke and I was "it" again. Without a warning. No disclaimers. No...nothing.

The moment I heard, I really was too dumbfounded to say anything. And they mistook it as flattery. And nobody asked. Nobody wondered why I was not smiling. Why I didn't even say...thank you (for choosing me). For a while, I led myself to believe that it was something I should've been proud of. I am. But I don't think this is something I want for myself or for my career.

Sometimes I would really like to believe that it's a good thing to be a Mentor. You get trained to coach people. In a way, you are almost a a stone's throw away from being the "boss". Hah! That was what everyone was saying before. Until now, that's what's everyone's still saying. You know what, I was once vulnerable about it. Now, I've learned my lessons and I've learned them well. I don't freakin' believe them. Not now, not after what I've been through.

I had a career path then. I knew where to go, knew what was essential to be done to get there. I knew what goals I needed to meet to get where I wanted. And then they offered me with something like, "You need training. You need exposure. This will be a stepping stone..." And I, the quintessential vulnerable I, said, "Sure of course...thank you for choosing me."

That was the start of the end.
Sure there were perks.
Sure the bosses knew you.
Sure others agents respected you.
Sure you get to show the best you've got.
And sure you gain a lot of self esteem.

But then something went wrong and it was like all you've worked hard for suddenly crumbled to pieces.

We got ditched when they changed policies.
Lots of people lost their jobs.
I almost did.
All my friends lost their morale.
Promotions were blocked.
Suddenly the Mentors became sacrificial lambs in a corporate-political affair.
For a while we were without a leader.
No overtime pays.
Some didn't get their bonus.
Our actions and intents were questioned.
And subjected to an inquiry.
And we were left defenseless.
...But by God, I fought for it. I fought like hell till I could fight no more.
And I resigned from the company.
Yes I did. For a while there, I gave up on my career. For a while there, I was so disgusted with how the policies were being run. Someone didn't give up on me. A former boss. And so I transferred. I started all over. I reestablished myself, my work. I worked hard at it, and I knew I was loving this job a little more each day. And now here I am...

You got it. Mentor - again. Same time, same position. Different faces, same lines. What do I believe this time? I've been there and back. I ain't saying hell's happening twice over for me...but a good man knows when to turn his back and say, "No thank you", isn't it? A good man learns when to say no, how to say no. And why he says no.

That is something I have yet to learn.
God, don't let history repeat itself. Not this time.