christmas with the bogas

I saw my old friends last week. Old, in the sense na sila ang mga old timers na kasama ko nung mga panahong luka luka pa ko, at never silang nang-iwan, at old in the sense, na pare-pareho na kaming tumatanda at narerealize namin yun! Shet.
Mabelle, Richard and Blen (with Marie) were there. I met with them in Figaro, and as ever, I was the first one to arrive at the place. Mabelle met up with Blen and Marie in Alabang. At si Cardinal, he was soo late! Kainez!
We had coffee, then dinner, then coffee again, then beer. All these, done amidst clouds of cigarette smoke, old songs, good conversation, and hearty laughter.
My old friends and I, we go a long way back. We were together when we were all young and idealistic. We wove dreams together. We made plans happen. We were there when everybody was drunk. We stayed even when everyone else sobered up. We nursed hang-overs together. And when there were enemies, we attacked like a pack of wolves. There were times when laughter and tears go together, but we never chose to hang out anywhere else. My house was theirs. Their food was mine. And we lived a simple, pretty life. Like all things good and beautiful, it had to end somehow. People had to go out of the country. People get married, they have babies. I had to pursue a dream. Things change and people change. These days, the bogas, or at least, the bogas who are here in Pinas, try to meet at least once a year. Some things never change, be it the littlest of things. We still laugh together. We talk 'til sunrise. And no matter how the world has changed us so far, the friendship lies deep enough to relive if only for one night each year.

We sure miss the others whom we haven't seen in years. There's so much stories to tell. There's so much happening in our lives that it feels unnatural to not share it with people who have been there when even the deepest secrets seemed like a normal trivia that everyone shared. In 5 or 10 years, who knows what happens. I hope to spend more of my older years with you my friends. It makes me realize how youth can be such a very beautiful place to be.

see you later potpot!

bye bye cindypotpot! see you later. good luck!

of boats and piranhas

Sabi nila, "it ain't over till it's over." Fine, 'key fine. Alam mo sabi ko? 50% done is better than kaput. So ayan, tapos na unang hurdle. Nainterview na ko. Bahala na si batman kung anong gagawin nila dun sa mga pinagsasagot ko. Sabi nina Mayet at Shelly nung dumating ako sa floor, dapat pipiliin ko mga pinagkakatiwalaan ko. Sabi ko noon, sus naman ako pa sinabihan niyo nyan. Alam ko na kung paano iwanan ng mga kaibigan sa ere no. So ganun. So ganyan. Tuloy-tuloy lang. Ngayon ko na lang inisip ulit yung sinabi nina Mayet at Shelly. Dapat nga ginalingan ko pumili ng pagkakatiwalaan. Ayan natuto naman ako eh. Half-learning is always better than being an idiot forever.

Matagal-tagal na rin bago ako nakaramdam ulit ng kaba. Sa totoo lang, parang hindi nga ako kinabahan. Parang more of fear yung nararamdaman ko in the last 2 days. Sabi niYoda, "Fear leads to anger...and anger leads to..darkness" ba yun? Ah basta, alam niyo na yun. Hindi ko alam kung ano kinakatakutan ko. Para kasing nasa bangka ako. Nasa gitna ng dagat. Tahimik ang paligid at ni hindi umaalon ang tubig. Masaya na ako sa bangka pero alam ko darating ang araw na maghahanap na ko ng yate. So sagwan ako ng sagwan at nagpapanic na ko. Sa kaguluhan ko, baka bigla na lang tumaob ang bangka. At mahirap lumangoy ng mag-isa. Takot akong lumangoy mag-isa. Ang nakakatakot, marami pa yatang piranha sa paligid ko. Ingat ka jing, sa mga pinagkakatiwalaan mo. Magtiwala ka sa bangka mo. Magtiwala ka sa sarili mo at sa paglangoy mo. Pero ang piranha? Ingat ka.

Minsan naiisip ko kung bakit mabilis ako magtiwala sa tao. Kapag may nakikilala akong bago, 100% ang tiwala ko dyan. Habang nagtatagal kaming magkakilala, tsaka pa lang nababawasan yung tiwala ko. Dapat yata hindi ganun. Sabi nga ni papa, "Trust is earned". Magpundar ka naman bago kita pagkatiwalaan. Tsk, di na ko natuto. Pero hayaan mo, kahit madami kayong piranha sa paligid ko, parating na ang yate. May mga kaibigan ako dun. Matagal na nilang inaabot kamay nila para makaalis ako sa tubig. Kung ma-delay ang yate ko, don't worry me bangka ako. At yung mga piranha? Tsk, tsk, wag na sila umasa, di nila ako masasaktan.

and so it was...

"Mauna na ako."
"Hanggang dito na lang ako."
...and it ended this way.

wheels are turning

...click.
they started turning again.
these wheels.
in my head.
...click.
just like that.
keep 'em coming baby. let it roll.
i'm on fire.
motion without friction.
whirlwind.
fast and furious.
these guys keep my sanity.


Mt. Makiling - October 2006

Last October

Almost a year ago, this happened to me. This time, it's almost happening again. What's this about history (fuckin') repeating itself? As a graduated historian, I should've known better, correct? You know what, I believe I did. But it wasn't my place to do anything about it. I went along with the tide the first time, not knowing where it'd take me because it was too strong to resist. This time, there simply was no choice. One morning, I woke and I was "it" again. Without a warning. No disclaimers. No...nothing.

The moment I heard, I really was too dumbfounded to say anything. And they mistook it as flattery. And nobody asked. Nobody wondered why I was not smiling. Why I didn't even say...thank you (for choosing me). For a while, I led myself to believe that it was something I should've been proud of. I am. But I don't think this is something I want for myself or for my career.

Sometimes I would really like to believe that it's a good thing to be a Mentor. You get trained to coach people. In a way, you are almost a a stone's throw away from being the "boss". Hah! That was what everyone was saying before. Until now, that's what's everyone's still saying. You know what, I was once vulnerable about it. Now, I've learned my lessons and I've learned them well. I don't freakin' believe them. Not now, not after what I've been through.

I had a career path then. I knew where to go, knew what was essential to be done to get there. I knew what goals I needed to meet to get where I wanted. And then they offered me with something like, "You need training. You need exposure. This will be a stepping stone..." And I, the quintessential vulnerable I, said, "Sure of course...thank you for choosing me."

That was the start of the end.
Sure there were perks.
Sure the bosses knew you.
Sure others agents respected you.
Sure you get to show the best you've got.
And sure you gain a lot of self esteem.

But then something went wrong and it was like all you've worked hard for suddenly crumbled to pieces.

We got ditched when they changed policies.
Lots of people lost their jobs.
I almost did.
All my friends lost their morale.
Promotions were blocked.
Suddenly the Mentors became sacrificial lambs in a corporate-political affair.
For a while we were without a leader.
No overtime pays.
Some didn't get their bonus.
Our actions and intents were questioned.
And subjected to an inquiry.
And we were left defenseless.
...But by God, I fought for it. I fought like hell till I could fight no more.
And I resigned from the company.
Yes I did. For a while there, I gave up on my career. For a while there, I was so disgusted with how the policies were being run. Someone didn't give up on me. A former boss. And so I transferred. I started all over. I reestablished myself, my work. I worked hard at it, and I knew I was loving this job a little more each day. And now here I am...

You got it. Mentor - again. Same time, same position. Different faces, same lines. What do I believe this time? I've been there and back. I ain't saying hell's happening twice over for me...but a good man knows when to turn his back and say, "No thank you", isn't it? A good man learns when to say no, how to say no. And why he says no.

That is something I have yet to learn.
God, don't let history repeat itself. Not this time.

I'm Okay

I haven't been posting much. Not much things to say, that's why. Been trying to re-organize my life lately, after what seemed like a whirlwind sorta' lifestyle. For those who know what's really been happening, thanks for keeping my sanity you guys. I owe it up to you. Hainaco, anubah, what's new? Lemme just think for a bit.... Gawd ala talaga eh. Sure there's lots of plans in the makin but lately, I wanted to take things really, really slow... No pressure, no deadline, no fights, no bad feelings. No nothing.

Hence, lemme' just savor my day-off mode.
Yesterday, as soon as I got off from work, I hung out for a bit with my 'kada at work. Mayet, Khree and Porsh were there. I went home earlier than usual and had lunch at home with my sisters Con and Meng. Oh, Macky bro just arrived from the province to spend his sembreak here and he brought lotsa' food with him. Needless to say lunch was mucho fantastico!

At 2PM, I was kinda' feeling lethargic so I grabbed a book, went up to my room, played a jazz cd on my stereo and fell promptly asleep. Haha, I didn't even get to page 1 of my book, nor was I able to finish the first song on my cd. By 4, Meng woke me up for my weekly dose of entertainment - SFiles and The BUZZ! Promptly got up, and went down to the kitchen for a warm, sweet merienda of banana fritters. With milk and bananas on each hand, I splunked myself down on the sofa and used my toes to change channels on the TV via remote control. Not much chismis this week though. I got bored and helped Meng in making dinner (ergo, I told her what to cook, hehe).

Trinidad kids had a warm, long conversation over dinner of nilagang mamoy and some veggies. Macky, still didn't have a girlfriend. Meng is getting her first paycheck on the 25th, and was bullied into treating us to pizza and chicken next Tuesday. And Connie was still nagging me about being too fat. Duh, get a life Maria Concepcion! Hehe.

I watched a bit of TV after dinner, and boy was I lucky to catch an old Sharon Cuneta flick on PBO. I ended up watching Bukas Luluhod Ang Mga Tala from start to finish. Mr.A called just as the movie was ending and we had a pleasant conversation full of "I miss you's", "Get here now's", "Let's meet up's"...you get the drift, right? There were lots of laughter and smirking, it was a perfect way for two special friends to catch up. But at the end of 4o minutes cellphone conversation, I felt the absence more than ever. Okay, enough of that. My love life's been taking too much airtime lately... :)

I called it a night at 10PM and splunked myself on my new bed. I brought Mojacko (the sala stuffed toy) up to my room and hugged him all night long. I woke up at 5 to cook breakfast for my 2 sisters who had work this morning. Spent the first hours of Monday morning with a cup of coffee on my left hand while watching the news. By 7PM, I was busy doing some gardening. I didnt have any new plants, so I "borrowed" a few cuttings from my neighbors. Haha, for the love of nature, pagbigyan niyo na!

By 8, I took a shower, and by 830, I was..am blogging.

So.
Tsk, what a mundane lifestyle. But I can't say I'm complaining. In fact, I do think I'm loving it.
Or maybe not. Maybe I'm just nonchalant about it. Maybe I just don't care for now. Or maybe I'm just really taking it slow this time.
I dont know.
All I know is I'm ok. Not good, not better. Just ok.
Sometimes being ok is good enough.
I've learned not to ask for more, sure.
Because right now, everything is just ok.