permanence

Just because everything is different doesn't mean that everything has changed.

Pre-Halloween

And so I'm alone at home now, with the siblings gone and the folks too. It’s a long holiday for them all, and they're spendin it all around outside town. Yep, traveling, that is. And moi? I'm left in the city since I couldn't grab a leave at the office on time. How pathetic is that? Not only do I have to stay in this scary city alone on Halloween, but I have to go to work too! Anybody throwin a Halloween party guys? Have pity. Invite me, invite me!

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I woke up with a sore throat. And I've been sneezing to bits since then. Do I also have to be alone, and sick in this scary city on Halloween?

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I finally got my hair cut. And I also got those colors and highlights. I hate goin to the parlor and I've been putting off this chore for almost a year now. Finally, when my mom came over for a visit last weekend, she just had to drag me to Bench Salon. Of course, being the good daughter that I am, I offered to pay for both of us. Man, those people of Mr. Ben Chan sure charge a lot. We were just plannin on some cut and some color, but gawd, those lovely, lovely gays had to entice me and my mom to get watchamacallit sorta' treatments. At the end of the day, I felt that I couldn’t nicely part with ten grand in my wallet and I just had to give in and swipe the card. I've been spendin and swipin almost Imeldifically for the last couple of weeks and darn, I wish the bills would come already so I could feel some remorse. Last night, I promised myself that I wouldn’t be using my card again til Christmas. Some people would battle with nicotine and caffeine addiction. Some would have the guts to fight off drug addiction and even nymphomania (where did that come from??). I choose to combat my credit card usage. There goes my world peace!

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I've been havin a minor skirmish with my itunes program. Why is it so freakin hard to use it? I dunno, maybe I’m just a Microsoft type of person. Macintosh and all its default hardwares and softwares just drive me nuts. I’ve been trying to change the play list on my ipod and it takes me a freakin million years just to do it. Itunes -ay tunes, ay sus! Pakshet.

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And since I am on the topic of battles and skirmishes and minor irritations here, I wonder if could get rid of this sicky feeling. I’ve been sneezing when I started writing. It hasn't stopped since.
Hah-chooo, fuck you, go away. Shoo!
Hah--shoo!
Shit, I'm losing the sneeze battle.

20 Random Things

Tagged...Again.
I had a ticklish feeling at the back of my neck prior to clicking axion's blog. As a matter of fact, 'twas the last thing I opened for today's blog dose. Now, I know why. Tagged..again, ahehe.

20 Random Things About Jing

1. Nobody has ever heard me fart out loud. That doesn't mean I don't fart though, haha. Now, why did this random stuff have to start with farts?

2. I do pencil and charcoal sketches. In fact, I think I'm good at it. Most of my friends think I'm the songwriter amongst us. Nope, I am the sketcher. Or at least, I'd like to be.

3. I love Eraserheads. They remind me of my old, lovely youth.

4. I can only sleep well if I wear pyjamas and plain tops or nothing at all.

5. There's only 2 subjects in college to which I got 1.0's - Philosophy and Political Science -both not remotely associated to my major.

6. My first toy was a crocodile. Not the cuddly, soft, cute kinda' toy, but a big, lifesize green monster.

7. I feel naked when I go out of the house without my silver ring. Hankies, I can do without. Perfume, even. Hell, I can even go to work without a bra. But not this ring. No way.

8. My favorite food in the whole wide world is tocino. It has always been. Still is. When I die, please serve tocino to the people at my wake.

9. I have loved romantically only once in my life. Relationships, sure there were some. But I fell for real only once.

10. I think I have more secrets than the average person. I like to keep things to myself and I find childish happiness in knowing that I am keeping an idea, a thought, or anything for that matter all to myself.

11. I was a smoker a couple of years back. A smoker to the bone. I quitted for about 3 years. Then I started smoking again. But not so much now. True.

12. I don't like waiting. I'm not a very patient person. I'd rather be late than early. It's a different matter though if I was going to work. I get upset when I'm late for work.

13. I have a very special set of friends. These were friends met in college. Its a very exclusive group and it drives me nuts sometimes because I tend to compare every set of friends I meet to them. Bad of me, I know.

14. I have a bad temper. The people I am most comfortable with have seen me with one. If you've never seen me throw fits, then you're a relatively new cast in my life.

15. My right ear is definitely smaller than my left. I know it doesn't show. I've asked other people to check it for me too. They say they're relatively the same. Liars. I know my ears. alright?

16. My favorite number is 7. There's something sexy and elegant with the way I say se-ven. Duh, what a useless random thing.

17. Most people know me as Marinella Jennifer B. Trinidad. There's a story behind this. But its one of them secrets I so like to keep. Go figure though. If you must.

18. I can swim. I can ride a bike. I can drive any four-wheel vehicle. All these I learned while I was sleeping. Its not a metaphor, silly. I meant I actually dreamed how do to these things. Each time, I woke up and tried to do it in the real world. No hitches, I knew already. How cool is that, huh.

19. I have buyer's remorse syndrome. I save money enough to buy a gazillion things. Spend it in one crazy, shopaholic's day. And I spend the next day sulking because I spent my money.

20. I share so much similarities with my father. Philosophy, thoughts, views, mannerisms, temper, eyes, tastes, character...you name it. So why the hell am I a mama's girl?

I'm tagging

tasha

nyss

eugene

shelly

goin crazy!

I'm so freakin bored. I cant even freakin write.
Had I been a writer, this would be called the BLOCK.
My mind is screamin for release but the the ideas get retarded somewhere between the long journey from my neurons to fingertips.
I stare at the PC for with cold dead eyes. I breathe in and breathe out almost lazily, not as if my life depended on it.
Shadows of faces and insignificant beings pass behind me. Some would be friendly. Most would stab me. I dont give a freakin care.
Is this what finally happens when people lose their sanity?
Is this what finally happens when people lose their sanity?
Opps, I repeated myself.
Did I just repeat myself?
Is this what finally happens when people lose their sanity?

______________________________
Internal-Realist Empowered Shit!

Came across this from one of them blog thingies that you manage to
find on long boring nights.

You Are Internal - Realist - Empowered
You feel your life is controlled internally.

If you want something, you make it happen.

You don't wait around for things to go your way.

You value your independence and don't like others to have control.

You are a realist when it comes to luck.

You don't attribute everything to luck, but you do know some things are random.

You don't beat yourself up when bad things happen to you...

But you do your best to try to make your own luck.

You have a good deal of power, but you also know the pecking order.

You realize that working the system does get you further.

You know who to defer to and who to control.

When it comes to the game of life, you play things flawlessly.

YEAH RIGHT!
If so, why can't I get rid of this friggin boredom I feel right now?
If so, why can't I make this night go any faster than it is? Tonight is so effing slow, man!
Take me home.
UGH!

Life Moves On

A friend's dad passed away. On that same day, I learned that another friend's brother also passed away. That very night, I learned that a friend's wife is expecting twins in a couple of months.

Life moves on.

Life is fleeting. So they say. And with the term 'fleeting', I'm not even talking about time here. Time is measurable. Life isn't. So to even consider equating life and the length of time you've lived is a bit too shallow, in my opinion.

Someone asked me once before how I would want my life to turn out. Beg your pardon? My life is this - it's not a question of how I would want it to turn out, because as it is, I am living my life. Right now, I am life.

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I've just received word of me being transferred to another team at work. I am, of course, flattered. I, of course feel appreciated. After all, this team I am transferring to, is one of the best. This is the mentor team. In my own way, I would even think that this is a "promotion" of some sort. I would even think I almost wished for this chance. In fact, I think I did. And yes, I am giddy with anticipation. I am so looking forward to giving it a shot. And yes, this mentor team is certainly turning out to be the best that happened to me this week.

And then realization hits in. New, bigger responsibilities. Extended, broader work scenario. And new people to work with. And the old team is just around the corner; and I'd know that all I have to do is look back and see them all together. And while they're laughing out there, all I could do is smile.

Life moves on.

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And then I have finally taken this one big step to let bygones be bygones with this one person. Old hurts, old fights, and old scars are all down the drain now. We've started all over again, and though it has just been days since we've reconciled our differences, I can certainly feel that both of us have changed for the better.

This person and I used to fight so much. We used to fight a lot that we're almost good at it. Now, we have quashed our differences. We're still working on some, but so far, I like who I am when I am with this person. I like us being together. And yes, I can start to think of the future again, with this person, most definitely this time.

Life moves on.

mi hermano mackoy

mi hermano, mackoy

Today is my only brother's boithdoi. I call him Mackoy, he calls me Miss Jing. We were supposed to meet up today coz I was treating him and mis 2 hermanas plus mi favorita prima to Enchanted Kingdom. For those non-Spanish speaking readers who must ask, hermano is brother, hermana is sister, and prima is cousin. Haha, I feel yabang speaking my old tongue. Forgive me sweeties, I'm practicing it coz Connie (mi hermana) and Mai (mi prima) are getting good with their Italian and French respectively. We love speaking with each other using our own respective languages. But just recently, I couldn't make a quick retort to something they said which in my opinion is kinda obtuse of me, coz hello, yo estudio español, verdad?

So anyway, I was planning this EK trip for a couple of days now and the only thing that was lacking was the tickets. Mackoy's supposed to have arrived from the province yesterday so he could spend his boithdoi with us. But as ever, plans had to change, and our lives helplessly get revolutionized with it.

Mackoy had to wait for some exam results; hence, he couldn't come just yet. Normally, it’s just okay, I mean, he could always go with us to the next EK trip, right?
Wrong.
How could we celebrate without the celebrator?
Big HMP.
So anyway, I was left with my day all free and boring and I was so into going out come hell or high waters. Thank gawd for Meng and Mai who indulged me and went with me to the mall. To show my appreciation, I told Meng and Mai to get one major item that they normally wouldn't buy for themselves, and charge it to me. Nice of me noh?

Oh, this post is for my brother pala, oops. Basta baby bro, Miss Jing might have missed your boithdoi but I'll make it up to you once you get here. Just get here fast enough so I wont change my mind na. Why, you ask? I'm giving you a day at the mall to buy anything you want.
Hurry panget.

As in now na.
Happy Birthday, mwah!

ELBI...

gawd, i miss this place.

there has never been a day,

never a minute,

when I didn't.

take me back!

now na.

scars

__________________________________________

The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar

which the ultimate

fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes

_____________________________________

by Thomas Hardy

I agree.

This is my quote for the day.

Today will be gone tomorrow.

And the darkness shall soon see light.

I have never worried.

I will never worry.

But anticipation and fear of the unknown,

Are a reflection of the turmoil inside.

And the scar will hurt, albeit faintly.

old faces, old feelings

This post is long past due. I've never written anything about you. You know as well as I do the reason why. Yet...

___________________

We exchanged gifts as soon as we saw each other. I never seem to remember you not giving me any gifts of some sort. You know, small surprises that never fail to make me smile in the past. Today was no different. But this time, I had something for you too.

__________________

You were driving. The car has just run out of freon. But nobody was minding.

It took a couple of minutes, but yes, we agreed to go to Greenhills. We wanted to go someplace different from the usual spots. And we wanted to get away from everything for a while. We only had a couple of hours, so Greenhills it is. It was way too early for shopping so we had breakfast at Bangus. And you, the quintessential quiet person, surprised me by rolling out a series of stories, that even I, the quintessential impatient person had a lovely time listening to.

After an hour and a half of tocino, beef, eggs and coffee, we were ready to get all curious and snoopy at the tiangge-han. We were trying to find the entrance when someone said that it was closed till Friday. Aww.

___________________

We went up to the carpark not knowing where to go next. We stayed in the car for a couple of minutes until you got sleepy. You had your head on my shoulder. And we stayed like that for a couple of minutes more. You mumbled that you missed me. We haven't been together for 3 weeks. I smiled while saying I missed you too. Everything was quiet. And we spent the moment in a carpark roof deck on a workday morning when everything is just right.

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You asked where I wanted to go. Tough. I would go anywhere so long as you were with me. But that was a different kind of answer, so I said, "Have we ever been to Cubao?" You didn't think so. And we wanted to go someplace new...So we went.

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Cubao.

A dear friend once told me that Quiapo is the pusod of Manila and Cubao is the kili-kili. I know I agreed with my friend then. Cubao is the most over-populated, over-polluted, and over-pirated places I have ever seen. But Cubao was heaven for me at that time. It was heaven and home rolled together. It was, at that time, a place worth going to, worth dying in, worth living for.

___________________

We walked. And bought. And walked some more. And bought some more.

I was wearing these high-heeled boots from the office and they were killing my feet. You got me some rubber slippers that were really so comfortable but the type that was better worn at home. I knew I looked like some "secretary, nicely dressed and all, except for the slippers she hides beneath her table" ( it's a weird comparison, but you get the picture, right?) Nobody was minding.

__________________

And we got hungry. And you needed a bathroom. I wanted Shakeys' mojos . It was pretty obvious where we should be heading next.

___________________

We had the nicest time swapping old stories and jokes over our bunch of lunches. We made fun at people who we saw across the glasswall. We were laughing like old times. You kept stealing my table napkin which totally drove me nuts. But then, I kinda' expected that. You've always had a penchant for using my used table napkins.

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It was early afternoon when we finished. We roamed around for a bit until we saw this totally amazing massage shop. I know you've been bugging me for a massage for the last couple of weeks..err, months, and I said, "Go ahead, I'll wait."

But no, you knew that I was tired and needed to relax but was to stubborn to admit it. With a bit of coaxing from you, I gave in.

_______________________

It was almost late afternoon and I reminded that you needed to go home soon. You understood. You still had a few errands to do for your sister so I volunteered that I'd go with you. We had to head to my place for a bit though coz I wanted to change. As usual, you my dear, are the sweetest to the people at home. It never ceases to amaze me how nice and comfortable you are to my family. I went up to my rrom to change. You were right behind me. I asked you to turn around. You smiled, but yes, you did turn around. Behind your back, you should know I was smiling too.

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So we went back to Makati for the favor that you had to do for your sister. We went to Anson for that elusive wireless phone. And after that, I knew we have to say goodbye again. Before heading home, you asked if I was hungry. I said no, but I didn't want to go home yet so I said I was thirsty. Icebergs was nearby. You didnt like ice-cream. For me, ice-cream is next to mana itself. And we went.

Classical banana split for me, and kiwi hielo for you. I wanted to take a picture of my glorious, gargantuan banana split, but I left my phone cum camera at home. I borrowed yours and I noticed you hesitated before handing it over. I took the picture and for the heck of it, I tried to browse through your inbox too. But not before you grabbed the phone back. I sulked. The day was ending. So here was where the magic was ending too, huh? How typical. Some things never really change. I felt a fight brewing.

_________________________

I took my time eating my ice-cream. It might have been my favorite, but I was tasting sand at that time. I waited for you to say something. I was waiting for myself to throw a tantrum. These did not come.

________________________

In the past, under the same circumstances, I would have walked-out already. We would have been fighting for 5 minutes already. I would have broken up with you again. But not this time.

____________________

Not this time.

Why?

You said things change.

People change?

Perhaps.

I've never liked changes. I grew up moving from one place to another. Change, for me, hinted at pain and goodbyes. But if this is change, if we both have changed, and that we're not too keen on fighting anymore because of it, then I like it.

I can accept it.

At the end of the day, we were both smiling. You even gave in and handed the phone over. There was nothing there. You just didn't want me to go through your inbox with me remotely, though possibly thinking that there was something there. I felt silly, You felt relieved.

_____________________________

We said goodbye. And you kissed me.

______________________________

Timeline

Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that the stuff life is made of.

-Benjamin Franklin

_________________________________

I came across this from Mayu's blog. Tagged.

TWENTY YEARS AGO...
1985
6 years old. I may have been happy. I remember my childhood as a happy one. Carefree. Alive. Everyday, an adventure. Everyone, a friend.
Oh yes, there were times when I get scolded, I mean I was a happy, carefree adventurous brat and I did give my folks their share of misery. That wasn't the last of it.

FIFTEEN YEARS AGO...
1990

Grade 6. Haven't gone through highschool yet and I was getting tired of school already. From kidergarten to grade 5, I was consistently the honor chuvachchu kinda geek. But 6th grade was a blast. I had fun with new barkadas - I mean hey, I finally belonged to the coolest group of people. Fond memories include people like Diamond, Bads, Krystal, Lowena, Dyanne, Tin-Tin, and of course my supah owiginal bestfwend, Daffo.

TEN YEARS AGO...
1995
I was into theater. Sindi-Katok. Pisay days. Lovely.

FIVE YEARS AGO...
2000
College. UPLB.
Cigarettes. Booze. Sorority (eww). Chemsoc. Parties. Theater.
IKOT friends. Out-of-towns.
Bogas friends. Guitar sessions.
Sister Lei
And oh, did I mention academics? No need. I didn't give it too much importance.


THREE YEARS AGO...
2002
College - again. UP Diliman.
Back to academics. Back to writing. Forgot my guitar-playing altogether.
Bestfriend Cindy


NEXT TEN YEARS...
I will be the hottest blogger with the most most explosive logs!
I wouldn't be writing and responding to TAGS as a pathetic attempt at documenting my life anymore!
I would be so famous, you would forget your name first before you miss out saying Siyoktong!