on cigarettes, youth and old age

I was supposed to have stopped smoking 2 years ago. Supposed to Have. Three BIG words to indicate I have not really. Not really.

Oh well, about 5 years ago, smoking for me meant one pack a night and another one in the morning. Guess what, that stopped. But the smoking didn't.

5 years ago, smoking meant having a real good time with friends. Gimik days and nights in a seemingly endless world of fun and frolic. That too, is over. Sadly, the smoking isn't.

I've been on and off on this road called quitting. I would not really mind not having the old fun and frolics. I don't mind not going out on gimiks anymore. What I do mind is not being able to do a simple MIND OVER MATTER JOB!

Smoking is bad for me. It stinks. Its un-hygienic. It makes me lose sleep. It makes me gain weight. It could give me cancer. Simply put, smoking is bad for me. Read that? Baaadd..!

So why do I put up with it? No reason. Just plain stupidity. Oh yeah, that and insanity.
I had this insane plan before to die by 30. Im 26 years old now. Four years are a bit too short for me to continue living in the meantime. Most plans are still in the making. And more dreams are yet to be taken. No way, I cant die by 30.

That's why I stopped smoking so much. These days, Ive cut back to 2-3 sticks a day. At that rate, I'd still probably be alive by my 40's. If I'm real lucky, I might even reach 50. Now, fifty-ish is not a bad age to die.

I dont want to grow too old. Im scared. See, I've lived such a colorful and fast life and I've made it a point to enjoy youth as much as life permitted. I cling to that youth. To my dear old youth. I probably clung too hard that I couldnt imagine life growing old on me. No siree.

I'd rather die.