christmas with the bogas

I saw my old friends last week. Old, in the sense na sila ang mga old timers na kasama ko nung mga panahong luka luka pa ko, at never silang nang-iwan, at old in the sense, na pare-pareho na kaming tumatanda at narerealize namin yun! Shet.
Mabelle, Richard and Blen (with Marie) were there. I met with them in Figaro, and as ever, I was the first one to arrive at the place. Mabelle met up with Blen and Marie in Alabang. At si Cardinal, he was soo late! Kainez!
We had coffee, then dinner, then coffee again, then beer. All these, done amidst clouds of cigarette smoke, old songs, good conversation, and hearty laughter.
My old friends and I, we go a long way back. We were together when we were all young and idealistic. We wove dreams together. We made plans happen. We were there when everybody was drunk. We stayed even when everyone else sobered up. We nursed hang-overs together. And when there were enemies, we attacked like a pack of wolves. There were times when laughter and tears go together, but we never chose to hang out anywhere else. My house was theirs. Their food was mine. And we lived a simple, pretty life. Like all things good and beautiful, it had to end somehow. People had to go out of the country. People get married, they have babies. I had to pursue a dream. Things change and people change. These days, the bogas, or at least, the bogas who are here in Pinas, try to meet at least once a year. Some things never change, be it the littlest of things. We still laugh together. We talk 'til sunrise. And no matter how the world has changed us so far, the friendship lies deep enough to relive if only for one night each year.

We sure miss the others whom we haven't seen in years. There's so much stories to tell. There's so much happening in our lives that it feels unnatural to not share it with people who have been there when even the deepest secrets seemed like a normal trivia that everyone shared. In 5 or 10 years, who knows what happens. I hope to spend more of my older years with you my friends. It makes me realize how youth can be such a very beautiful place to be.

see you later potpot!

bye bye cindypotpot! see you later. good luck!

of boats and piranhas

Sabi nila, "it ain't over till it's over." Fine, 'key fine. Alam mo sabi ko? 50% done is better than kaput. So ayan, tapos na unang hurdle. Nainterview na ko. Bahala na si batman kung anong gagawin nila dun sa mga pinagsasagot ko. Sabi nina Mayet at Shelly nung dumating ako sa floor, dapat pipiliin ko mga pinagkakatiwalaan ko. Sabi ko noon, sus naman ako pa sinabihan niyo nyan. Alam ko na kung paano iwanan ng mga kaibigan sa ere no. So ganun. So ganyan. Tuloy-tuloy lang. Ngayon ko na lang inisip ulit yung sinabi nina Mayet at Shelly. Dapat nga ginalingan ko pumili ng pagkakatiwalaan. Ayan natuto naman ako eh. Half-learning is always better than being an idiot forever.

Matagal-tagal na rin bago ako nakaramdam ulit ng kaba. Sa totoo lang, parang hindi nga ako kinabahan. Parang more of fear yung nararamdaman ko in the last 2 days. Sabi niYoda, "Fear leads to anger...and anger leads to..darkness" ba yun? Ah basta, alam niyo na yun. Hindi ko alam kung ano kinakatakutan ko. Para kasing nasa bangka ako. Nasa gitna ng dagat. Tahimik ang paligid at ni hindi umaalon ang tubig. Masaya na ako sa bangka pero alam ko darating ang araw na maghahanap na ko ng yate. So sagwan ako ng sagwan at nagpapanic na ko. Sa kaguluhan ko, baka bigla na lang tumaob ang bangka. At mahirap lumangoy ng mag-isa. Takot akong lumangoy mag-isa. Ang nakakatakot, marami pa yatang piranha sa paligid ko. Ingat ka jing, sa mga pinagkakatiwalaan mo. Magtiwala ka sa bangka mo. Magtiwala ka sa sarili mo at sa paglangoy mo. Pero ang piranha? Ingat ka.

Minsan naiisip ko kung bakit mabilis ako magtiwala sa tao. Kapag may nakikilala akong bago, 100% ang tiwala ko dyan. Habang nagtatagal kaming magkakilala, tsaka pa lang nababawasan yung tiwala ko. Dapat yata hindi ganun. Sabi nga ni papa, "Trust is earned". Magpundar ka naman bago kita pagkatiwalaan. Tsk, di na ko natuto. Pero hayaan mo, kahit madami kayong piranha sa paligid ko, parating na ang yate. May mga kaibigan ako dun. Matagal na nilang inaabot kamay nila para makaalis ako sa tubig. Kung ma-delay ang yate ko, don't worry me bangka ako. At yung mga piranha? Tsk, tsk, wag na sila umasa, di nila ako masasaktan.

and so it was...

"Mauna na ako."
"Hanggang dito na lang ako."
...and it ended this way.

wheels are turning

...click.
they started turning again.
these wheels.
in my head.
...click.
just like that.
keep 'em coming baby. let it roll.
i'm on fire.
motion without friction.
whirlwind.
fast and furious.
these guys keep my sanity.


Mt. Makiling - October 2006

Last October

Almost a year ago, this happened to me. This time, it's almost happening again. What's this about history (fuckin') repeating itself? As a graduated historian, I should've known better, correct? You know what, I believe I did. But it wasn't my place to do anything about it. I went along with the tide the first time, not knowing where it'd take me because it was too strong to resist. This time, there simply was no choice. One morning, I woke and I was "it" again. Without a warning. No disclaimers. No...nothing.

The moment I heard, I really was too dumbfounded to say anything. And they mistook it as flattery. And nobody asked. Nobody wondered why I was not smiling. Why I didn't even say...thank you (for choosing me). For a while, I led myself to believe that it was something I should've been proud of. I am. But I don't think this is something I want for myself or for my career.

Sometimes I would really like to believe that it's a good thing to be a Mentor. You get trained to coach people. In a way, you are almost a a stone's throw away from being the "boss". Hah! That was what everyone was saying before. Until now, that's what's everyone's still saying. You know what, I was once vulnerable about it. Now, I've learned my lessons and I've learned them well. I don't freakin' believe them. Not now, not after what I've been through.

I had a career path then. I knew where to go, knew what was essential to be done to get there. I knew what goals I needed to meet to get where I wanted. And then they offered me with something like, "You need training. You need exposure. This will be a stepping stone..." And I, the quintessential vulnerable I, said, "Sure of course...thank you for choosing me."

That was the start of the end.
Sure there were perks.
Sure the bosses knew you.
Sure others agents respected you.
Sure you get to show the best you've got.
And sure you gain a lot of self esteem.

But then something went wrong and it was like all you've worked hard for suddenly crumbled to pieces.

We got ditched when they changed policies.
Lots of people lost their jobs.
I almost did.
All my friends lost their morale.
Promotions were blocked.
Suddenly the Mentors became sacrificial lambs in a corporate-political affair.
For a while we were without a leader.
No overtime pays.
Some didn't get their bonus.
Our actions and intents were questioned.
And subjected to an inquiry.
And we were left defenseless.
...But by God, I fought for it. I fought like hell till I could fight no more.
And I resigned from the company.
Yes I did. For a while there, I gave up on my career. For a while there, I was so disgusted with how the policies were being run. Someone didn't give up on me. A former boss. And so I transferred. I started all over. I reestablished myself, my work. I worked hard at it, and I knew I was loving this job a little more each day. And now here I am...

You got it. Mentor - again. Same time, same position. Different faces, same lines. What do I believe this time? I've been there and back. I ain't saying hell's happening twice over for me...but a good man knows when to turn his back and say, "No thank you", isn't it? A good man learns when to say no, how to say no. And why he says no.

That is something I have yet to learn.
God, don't let history repeat itself. Not this time.

I'm Okay

I haven't been posting much. Not much things to say, that's why. Been trying to re-organize my life lately, after what seemed like a whirlwind sorta' lifestyle. For those who know what's really been happening, thanks for keeping my sanity you guys. I owe it up to you. Hainaco, anubah, what's new? Lemme just think for a bit.... Gawd ala talaga eh. Sure there's lots of plans in the makin but lately, I wanted to take things really, really slow... No pressure, no deadline, no fights, no bad feelings. No nothing.

Hence, lemme' just savor my day-off mode.
Yesterday, as soon as I got off from work, I hung out for a bit with my 'kada at work. Mayet, Khree and Porsh were there. I went home earlier than usual and had lunch at home with my sisters Con and Meng. Oh, Macky bro just arrived from the province to spend his sembreak here and he brought lotsa' food with him. Needless to say lunch was mucho fantastico!

At 2PM, I was kinda' feeling lethargic so I grabbed a book, went up to my room, played a jazz cd on my stereo and fell promptly asleep. Haha, I didn't even get to page 1 of my book, nor was I able to finish the first song on my cd. By 4, Meng woke me up for my weekly dose of entertainment - SFiles and The BUZZ! Promptly got up, and went down to the kitchen for a warm, sweet merienda of banana fritters. With milk and bananas on each hand, I splunked myself down on the sofa and used my toes to change channels on the TV via remote control. Not much chismis this week though. I got bored and helped Meng in making dinner (ergo, I told her what to cook, hehe).

Trinidad kids had a warm, long conversation over dinner of nilagang mamoy and some veggies. Macky, still didn't have a girlfriend. Meng is getting her first paycheck on the 25th, and was bullied into treating us to pizza and chicken next Tuesday. And Connie was still nagging me about being too fat. Duh, get a life Maria Concepcion! Hehe.

I watched a bit of TV after dinner, and boy was I lucky to catch an old Sharon Cuneta flick on PBO. I ended up watching Bukas Luluhod Ang Mga Tala from start to finish. Mr.A called just as the movie was ending and we had a pleasant conversation full of "I miss you's", "Get here now's", "Let's meet up's"...you get the drift, right? There were lots of laughter and smirking, it was a perfect way for two special friends to catch up. But at the end of 4o minutes cellphone conversation, I felt the absence more than ever. Okay, enough of that. My love life's been taking too much airtime lately... :)

I called it a night at 10PM and splunked myself on my new bed. I brought Mojacko (the sala stuffed toy) up to my room and hugged him all night long. I woke up at 5 to cook breakfast for my 2 sisters who had work this morning. Spent the first hours of Monday morning with a cup of coffee on my left hand while watching the news. By 7PM, I was busy doing some gardening. I didnt have any new plants, so I "borrowed" a few cuttings from my neighbors. Haha, for the love of nature, pagbigyan niyo na!

By 8, I took a shower, and by 830, I was..am blogging.

So.
Tsk, what a mundane lifestyle. But I can't say I'm complaining. In fact, I do think I'm loving it.
Or maybe not. Maybe I'm just nonchalant about it. Maybe I just don't care for now. Or maybe I'm just really taking it slow this time.
I dont know.
All I know is I'm ok. Not good, not better. Just ok.
Sometimes being ok is good enough.
I've learned not to ask for more, sure.
Because right now, everything is just ok.

shut up and kiss me

There's nothing a little kiss and hug won't heal. Fight as we might, at the end of the day, it is you whom I share my life with. It is your face I see in the morning, and the last I glimpsed at last night. It is your hug I treasure, your lips I miss, your laughter I seek. Yes, fight as we might pangs, there's indeed nothing a little kiss and hug from you won't heal. So, shut-up right now, and kiss me.

cold morning

...and suddenly you were gone.
I am, alone in a heart beat,
in the middle of nowhere,
wet, cold and treading,
and I have to swim ashore,
lest I drown...

until then,
my love.

let's talk

Sometimes when we talk, I get to ask some questions. Sometimes you answer but oftentimes, you just stare at me. As if it were wrong of me to ask. More often than not, I ask not meaning to ridicule but in an effort to understand you better. I don't judge you by the answers you give. I just wanted to know you better.

Sometimes when we talk, I ask if I'm getting on your nerves again. You give me that sweet, sarcastic smile and tell me everything's fine. But at the same time, you tell me to shut up. I am not a loud person. I, too, sometimes have moments of solitude. I don't shout when I ask. I was merely wanting to understand.

Sometimes when we talk, I think of what to say first because it might be misconstrued again. You might get defensive again. I don't apologize for this. I ask direct questions, I don't want bullshitty answers. You don't wrap your poop in a candy wrapper, do you? But yes, I still have to be wary before I open my mouth. Because you see, I'm not here to fight.

Sometimes, when we talk, we don't talk at all. When I ask something, you don't have to answer as if I were an interviewer and you were my interviewee. Talking does not have to be an "answer and question" interaction. It doesn't have to be a debate. It doesn't have to lead to fighting. Don't you get it? We are just supposed to share ideas. We interact with our minds. We arrived at premises. We just you know, talk. Just talk.

Sometimes, we really ought to talk. I will ask questions, you see, they are inevitable. But I don't mean to ridicule. I just want to understand YOU better.

half a world away.

"The worst feeling is knowing how much you love someone,

how much that person loves you back, how perfect you are together,

but for a million, unknown reasons, you can never be together."

- P.A.

We are on the same road again. Yet for a moment, I know this is different, somehow. This time, its not you nor I that's the problem. This time, it's not us fighting. Today, we face the same adversary. Today, we're swaying in the same beat. One song, one dance. One love. Fighting for it. Living for it. Half a world away.

And I ask, isn't this dejavu? Have we not expected to be separated half the time we had those major squabbles and debates? Have we not anticipated this after more than 3 years of enduring this masochism phenomenon called 'us'? Have we not?

We have. But nothing prepares you for the real thing, isn't it? Nothing.

The tears are just a teardrop away. The sad face just hides beneath a smile. The pain is inherent. But I remain. For what? For the best last week of our lives...

September 4 through September 9, in the year 2006. Let's make this work, somehow. For this time may be the last time. And if I had to carry any of our memories, I would hope to carry something that will make me smile. Half a world away.

Yes, half a world away - from you.

nasa byahe

minsan sa buhay, nakakapagod maghintay. napakahirap magpasensiya. akala mo wala ng hanggan ang pagbibigay mo. pero sa huli, pag andun ka na sa lugar na pinangarap mo, hindi pala yun ang totoong hinintay mo. ang totoo, papunta ka pa lang, okay ka na. tama sila, nasa byahe ang sarap, wala sa destinasyon.

nung bata ako, nakipagpustahan ako sa nanay ko na sa UP ako magaaral. ni hindi ko pa nga alam kung ano talaga ang UP, basta naririnig ko lang sa tito ko na tiga-UP rin. nag-UP nga ako, pero wala dun ang hinahanap ko.

nung nasa kolehiyo ako sa ELBI, wala akong gustong gawin kundi mag-perform sa teatro. lahat ng venue nagawa ko na, pero wala akong pinangarap kundi magperform din sa Umali Hall, yung main auditorium namin. sabi ko sa sarili ko noon, one time big time lang, pwede na ako magpursige para grumaduate. nagperform nga ko. director at writer ko palanca awardee pa. pero di ako grumaduate.

pagpasok ko sa trabaho, sabi ko sa sarili ko, okay kahit anong posisyon, kahit kiss-ass muna ako. kahit di ko na magamit degree ko. at kahit di na ko magturo kahit yun ang plano ko sa karera ko, basta mataas suweldo. andito ako, okay fine, kumikita 'ko nang sobra sa kailangan ko. bakit gusto ko pa rin magturo?

marami sa mga bagay na pinapaniwalaan ko ngayon, parang nakaplano lahat. may mga bagay na gusto kong abutin, unti-unti kong inaayos para makuha ko. lahat ng ginagawa ko, lahat ng pagpaplano ko, lahat ng sakripisyo, lahat yan ay para matupad ko pangarap ko. pero minsan nakakabagot. nakakapagod maghintay. napakahirap magpasensiya. dahil kadalasan, kahit alam kong andun na ako, hindi pa rin pala ako masaya.

ganun.

one sunday

I have been enjoying
moments of solitude.
I sleep anytime I want to
on the couch or on the bed.
On the floor even
And nobody would say
don't.
I won't have to bathe for 2 days straight
And I don't care if I flossed or not
I can just open a can of sardines
for dinner.
And eat the remains of it
for breakfast.
I don't have to check my phone
for messages.
I don't even have to pick up
when it's ringing.
I could leave my hair uncombed
And even enjoy my curls in the morning
I don't have to worry at all.
For today, it's just me and my god.

Some questions - Survey type

• anung kwento ng pangalan mo?
  ** Jennifer - From the actress Jennifer Jones. A day before my mom gave birth, she watched a movie with papa and it was the film St. Bernadette's Song. Muntik na ko maging Bernadette!

• anung kwento ng parents mo?
  ** Mama's Nana hated my father. Donya-donyahan kase ang maternal lola ko at si papa noon ay isang hamak na titser. Solusyon? Nagtanan po sila and they had me. Tameme si Nana.

• anung kwento nung 7th bday mo?
  ** Yun yata yung 1st bday ko away from home. Kami lang ni papa sa Cagayan with all his relatives.

• anung kwento last bday mo?
  ** Awful. I spent my birthday on a bus ride going to Manila. Ay teka, the other year pa yun. But yeah, I spent it here in the Metro. Alone yata.

• anung kwento ng 1st lovelife mo?
  ** Yong totoong lovelife? Yung di laro? Naku, so complicated. Walang linggong walang away.

• anung kwento ng lovelife mo ngayon?
  ** Eh di ganun, refer to the previous answer... Yun pa din eh, ongoing. Shet.

• anung kwento ng cellphone mo?
  ** Connie bought it for me. I lost the one papa gave me to a stupid snatcher. And Connie, my sistah in shining armor generously bought me a new one. Di ako nag request man lang ha.Beat that.
  

• anung kwento ng computer mo?
  ** It's not mine. Forever squatter ako sa PC ni Connie.

• anung kwento ng kwarto mo?
  ** Which room? Ngayon?E di I share it with Connie. Pretty dark even during noontime. Its my favorite place in the apartment kse yun lang aircon. That room holds a lot of secrets, ahaha.

• anung kwento mo last christmas?
  ** Went home to Laoag. I spent my 1st Xmas bonus plus some buying gifts to even the most obscure relatives. I also planned the Noche Buena with Menggo and ended up paying for half of it. Masaya naman. Real bonding with siblings.

• anung kwento mo last valentine's day?
  ** As ever, lumipas lang.

• anung kwento ng sapatos na suot mo ngayon?
  ** Slippers. Binili ni mama last October. I went to Cagayan for lola's funeral at sa sobrang kakamadali ko, I wasn't able to bring all my personal stuff. Kasama na diyan ang deodorant, toothbrush, ayan tsinelas, etc...
  

• anung kwento nung una mong nakita yung crush mo?
  ** Sino na nga ba yun? He is older by one year eh...si Max Von yata. Basta pareho kami ng crush ni Krystal. Yung crush ko kase, me crush na Jennifer din pangalan. Tinukso siya ng friends nya. Narinig ko. Sabi ko, "Yuck!" Ngek, di pala ako yun.

• anung kwento sa yo ng nanay mo tungkol kay santa claus?
  ** Ay, bonggacious. I had the most wonderful gifts from Santa when I was a kid. Connie and I used to hang our socks sa sala. Super aga pa lang, punong-puno na. We were never told the real story about Santa but the idea just kinda faded away through the years.

• anung kwento tungkol sa inyo ng bestfriend mo?
  ** love and hate relationship.

• anung kwento nung last movie na pinanood mo?
  ** Sukob. Ang sarap sumigaw. Good Filipino horror film.

• anung kwento tungkol sa huling lugar na pinuntahan mo?
  ** Robinsons Pioneer. Naglibot lang sa Handyman at bumili ng paint for the bathroom.

• anung kwento nung last time na umiyak ka?
  ** Eh di kanina. Bad mood kami pareho. At walang nagbibigay. Goodluck, di ba?

• anung kwento ng greatest achievement mo sofar?
  ** Achievement? Matagal-tagal din bago ko nakuha. Eight fun, memorable, melancholic, painful years. But when I finally made it, I wasn't the most proud about it. My family was. And that was what really mattered, I realized.

• anung kwento nung huling librong binasa mo?
  ** The Last Don by Mario Puzo. It is my favorite bathroom read, so far.

its raining in my head

Everything is wet. Everywhere its been raining. Even in my head.

Today, I got up and I felt cold. I hug the pillows, but they, too are cold. I wanted to make some coffee, but was too lazy to do it. And the fried rice was stale...and yes, cold. Where is this coldness coming from? Maybe its just in my head.

So I wander aimlessly in this highway. Trying to figure out what this emotion is for. Something I heard? Something I saw? Someone I know? Yeah, yeah... I'm just so apatheric to it already. Perhaps I shouldn't even be blogging about it. Para que? One of these days, I gonna break out of my shell and just let them see how I really am. One of these days, I'm gonna make people listen, and listen hard. But no, I can't afford that yet. Today, I can only afford being apathetic. I guess I need to save up for the rainy days. Even if its just in my head.

could be happier

I have no excuse for not blogging for uh, quite a bit. Since I started more than a year ago, I have always been up to date with all the goings on with my life. So, what happened?

I couldn't find the time. It may sound flimsy, yes. See, I feel so dreadfully, awfully tired these days because I always seem to do a lot of things a lot of times. I always have people around me. And I guess, blogging, which has always been some sort of soul searching for me has never been an option because there were always distractions.

Aah, distraction. I so underestimate the word. Work has always been, uh, what's the word? Challenging? Yeah, I guess with the kind of work I do, it would be ridiculous to expect no pressure. So there, that's a given. Friendships and relationships have been a bit of a haywire lately too. I'm at this stage in my life where my old friends are already old enough not to plan out for gimmicks anymore, and new friends, in the meantime, do nothing else but go out without enough emotional exchanges. Love life has been, well...great, but it has been not without fights. Har har, what's new right? Well I guess one new thing about it is that we spend more time together now. Pipo stays with me at home most of the time these days. Don's ask why, but we seem to be in a kind of semi-live-in situation. Pretty big jump huh? The last time I wrote anything about Pips was I guess during the breakup. That was around May. Last June 1, we would have been in a 3-year relationship already. Last May 30, Pipo moved in with me. Tsk, rollercoaster relationships? Talk about a rollercoaster life! I think I'm happy. But I guess I could be happier. I guess I have not prepared fore this kind of situation but I don't want to complain. I love Pipo. I always have. Sometimes that's all that matters.

Now let's go back to where this post started. I have no excuse for not blogging. I am always tired. Sometimes I wish a day had more hours in it. These days, I just go to work, sell 'til my bones could talk no more. Work on my newsletter (oh, I am currently Editor-In-Chief, so I can't just quit it), then I have to wait for Pipo to finish work so we can go home together. We do some errands on the way home, grocery, bills, yada, yada...And by the time we get home, we're both poofed out of our eyesockets to even talk to each other. We do a li'l bonding with the kids (Meng & Mai). Give instructions to the maid what to cook for our baons. Go up to my, err, our room. And after a brief kiss and a hug, go promptly to sleep. Sounds simple enough? Oh wait, I was talking about a "perfect" day. This is how we do things when we're not fighting. God, how we fight. We haven't mellowed down one bit since college days. We still fight like there's no tomorrow. We fight about the littlest of things. I still won't give in because of pride. Ah, some things never change.

So finally, much as really don't want to miss a day's sale, I finally had to file for leave. As soon as my off took effect, I hauled ass to the PC chair and started writing this post. I intend to do all the things I love doing for next couple of days. I would be watching all the Friends episodes I can 'til kingdom come (thanks Jane for lending us the complete 10 seasons!). I would also be cooking dinner for Pipo and my sisters. I'd probably go to church for some quiet time. I will have to take the car for a carwash. And yes, I have to go with Connie to Quiapo for some dvd hunting. Then of course, Connie also took the piano home so I can jam with my good 'ol self. I intend to fiddle with the guitar too, especially since I have two kinds of guitars at home right now. And in the middle of all these, I plan to do a lot of chika-chika time with my siblings which I have been starting to miss these last couple of months. Aah, not bad, not bad at all.

Of course, by the time I get back to work again, I would have to do something about my schedule and rest-time. Pipo and I finally talked about this, but we didn't come up with any plausible plan. I guess relationships like ours really do take a lot of effort. After all, it has only been a month and a half since we moved in together. Maybe if I find the time, I would update this blog again. But until then, I would just have to keep trying. And trying.

I'm not complaining. I'm happy. But of course, I could be happier.

my sins

Got this quiz link from Guardian Angel Acosta

Your Deadly Sins

Greed: 60%

Pride: 60%

Envy: 40%

Gluttony: 40%

Sloth: 40%

Wrath: 40%

Lust: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 40%

You'll die in a shuttle crash, on your way to your resort on the moon.

These are my sins...
So? Live life, after all, no one ever comes out of it alive! Forget some rules sometimes. Forget about norms sometimes. Do not confine yourself in a box. When we die, we stay forever compartmentalized. Be free. Sing as if no one was listening. Dance as if no one was watching. Love even if the whole world didn't care. Live this day as if it were your last. Breathe for each moment not knowing if it was the final time. Only then, shall you say, "Thank god, I'm alive..."

please

i honestly don't know what to say. i have been on a temporary blog hiatus simply because...
simply because.
let's put it this way. i am content. i am okay. work is a little stressful these days. but heck, i get paid to do my job, so i am not about to complain, ayt? let's see...
mama is temporarily staying with us at the Metro. for some reason, papa and her are facing a problem that they should have had years ago. old parents shouldn't have to feel jealousy anymore. papa, of all people, is the most confident, secure and pride-ful human being i know and he shouldn't be feeling this at all. at this point in his life when he has so much achievements, and the family as stable as ever, why should he pick on my mother about a boyfriend she had 33 years ago? never mind that this ex boyfriend was a general. never mind that he is now an executive of a well-known telecommunications company. the reality is, mama married my papa and we all know how mama cherishes their marriage. for 28 years, i have seen how mama loved this family. i have seen her take care of her children and her husband. and i have seen her sacrifices to make this family complete. papa, on the other hand, has never been a jealous person - not as a husband, at least. the question that keeps racking my brain these days is why...
and so we talked, mama and i. everytime i go home, mama comes up to my room to talk to me. i let her talk, she says it lightens her load. connie talks to papa. i don't. it's not because i am, have always been, a mama's girl, but because i don't think their relationship is any part of my problems. i said to connie, "let's move on with our life, let them be". if mama wants to stay here, and papa there, what in this fucking world could i fucking do about it? nada, right?
but no. you see, my sister memeng is so affected with the situation. she has been so depressed that she actually fell physically ill these last couple of days. she has cramps, fever and headaches and she couldn't sleep at night. believe it or not, my sister who is the source of laughter and comic antics at home now resigns herself to slouching on the couch and staring at nothing. i call my brother macky who is with papa, and he has tears in his voice. he whispers on the phone and tells me to call him back once papa is out of earshot. it breaks my heart to see my younger siblings this way. more than anything, i treat them almost like kids because i have been the oldest sister to all of them. connie's tough, i have no qualms about that. if i do breakdown, i know she'd take over. but please don't let my kid sis and my only brother see my parents this way. i have always been proud of my family. with all shams and drudgeries in this world, my family have always been my wall of strength, my parents were my shield of security. take away my family, and i am left to nothing. break us apart, and you'll see me break down.
oh god, please don't do this.

why?

why do you this? we all have worked so hard to make this work. god knows we've had enough pain to last for a long time. just when the wounds are healing and the scars are showing, you hurt us one more time. please stop. i don't want my family be shattered to pieces... please give this family a reason to stay together.

cliches

Sister Con sent me a book of cliches. My thoughts on them:

1. Fun is good.
• How can it be not? If it ain't fun, why do it?
2. To be or not to be.
• That has always been the question. My answer? If it's fun to be, then be. Makes sense?
3. Live and learn.
• In that particular order. If you learn first then live later, what's the purpose?
4. Live and let live.
• Sure, why not?
5. Life is life.
• Is it suppose to be something else in the first place?
  

_____________________

1. Life is messy.
• Learn to organize!
2. Love comes around when doing the things you like.
• Who cannot agree with this?
3. Smile. It makes people wonder.
• So he said, "What are you smiling about?" And I go, "You tell me. "
4. It could be worse.
• So true.
5. It will be worse.
• And the gods were laughing...!

_____________________

1. Feeling bad is just a new sensation.
• Kinda like sex for the first time only this time, it's emotional.
2. Tomorrow will be another day.
• If you do the work I do, it ain't.
3. I will survive.
• Sing it to believe it.
4. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
• What if it's night?
5. Midnight is where the day begins.
• That's where it also almost ends.

_____________________

1. One day, I will wake up, and it will all fit together.
• And I shall say, "Good morning sunshine!"
2. The waiting is the hardest part.
• You can sleep while doing it, ok?
3. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
• Or at least the more they want to stay the same.
4. Wisdom is not truth.
• It's the way you look at truth.
5. The truth is just as meaningful as the lie.
• Both can be very painful, so be careful in choosing what to say.

______________________

1. When in doubt, consult your inner child.
• What if he hasn't learned how to talk yet?
2. If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
• There goes artificial insemination, tsk.
3. Most people don't even know why they have to work.
• So, pop question: Why do you?
4. When the work is done, I will have time for myself.
• After all, work pays you. It shouldn't be confused with personal time.
5. Hurry when you have time, then you'll have time when you are in a hurry.
• But never, ever forget to smell the flowers....my friend.
  

it's been a year...

I turn one year today. So sue me, this is going to be a long post, read it or not.

I have been tending to my corner for exactly one year now. Friends, family and strangers have sometimes visited. A couple came back for a bit more. A few never left. I never intended to share my thoughts this way. I was never a person who shared life stories, much less personal views and feelings to people who didn't at least know my middle name and REAL name. I bet you don't know my middle name, huh? Don't worry sweetie, most of my friends don't. It's one of 'em little secrets I keep with no real goal but to add some sense of mystery to an already mysterious life.

Keeping up with this corner has left me breathless at times. There were months when all I wanted to do every waking moment was to write for and re-design my blog. Ironically, there were also times when I didn't know kaput on anything to write. I searched oceans and skies, 'til I even looked into cupboards and old boxes just to find something to write about. Believe me, I spent some sleepless nights trying to work out some topics in my head. It took me quite a moment to realize that unlike my non-ending theses from college, I didn't have to do research for this corner. This is one place where I can write without editing. This is one place where no one will grade me for a write up. This is one place where I can let me be.

So okay, for the last 12 months, I let myself be - and you may have been one of the people who was a witness to that. Have you been lurking by my corner from the time when I considered this my own? Or have you just dropped by now to see if you would want to stay longer? I talk, rant, adore, insult, wonder, and write about my life in this blog. People have dropped in and out, reading bits and pieces every now and then. Quite similarly, that's how I live my life too. People come and go in my life. I have had issues with goodbyes before. I never give anything up. Never giving up is one hell of a job to do. I paid the price, but now I think I've learned my lessons. I never give up these days. STILL. But now, I think I've learned to let go. Difference? You tell me.

In the last 12 months, I have loved, and was loved well. I have wanted to leave, but I ended up getting left. Irony of all ironies, I have also felt more loved than ever, when I was left alone to be by my lonesome.

In the last 12 months, I have learned that people need a reason to stay. Going away is not merely wanting to give up and let go, but also to distance one's self in an effort to understand things from another perspective.

In the last 12 months, I have come to realize that losing a grandparent is something that makes a grandchild feel she's no longer a child. And that she has no one to call her such, because that grandchild is now limited to being a daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin.

In the last 12 months, I have felt that there is never enough time to spend with family and friends. If there was, I am most certain that I have used up each second. Each millisecond. Each nanosecond.

In the last 12 months, I have managed to appreciate local TV listings simply because I find simple pleasure in watching Bulagaan in Eat Bulaga.

In the last 12 months, I knew that some bosses, no matter how high and mighty, can be a real pain in the ass, and that almost the whole world listens to these highs and mighties no matter how stupid they sound.

In the last 12 months, I have come to accept that no matter how I want my brother to stay with me here in the Metro, and finish in the same alma mater where I have, in the end, he just has to follow his own dreams.

In the last 12 months, I have let myself believe that I could quit smoking at will, but all too soon succumb back to the old habit, just because...

In the last 12 months I have come to accept that I, in fact, do snore (very, very softly). I never heard myself go zzzzz, but yes, I have a feeling I do that.

In the last 12 months, I have finally resigned to myself that even if I enjoy bus rides immensely, there's no way I'd sacrifice my own safety by riding the bus when I go to work. Calling for a cab everyday has been burning a hole in my pocket, but sheesh, my money better go to the cab driver than to hold-uppers.

In the last 12 months, I discovered that much as an alcohol drinker I may be or may have been, I am no match to tequilla. Give me a case of beer. Red horse, even. Give me piñacolada. Gin bilog or gin bulag. Lambanog. Siyoktong. Anything, even the devil's piss. But no tequilla for me please.

In the last 12 months, I have found out that while making out in the parking can be extremely exciting, and yes even kinky (ha!ha!-- don't read this mother!), it is nothing but a prelude to a scandal, or worse, disaster.

In the last 12 months, I have known who my real friends from college were. I was such a figure in college (yeah right!) that for a while, I was jaded on what real friendship meant. I'm still jaded these days, but I guess I'm slowly coping. Those who stuck by me - thank you.

In the last 12 months, I have believed in fate, destiny and plain coincidence, not necessarily in that order. But yes, things have happened sometimes for a reason, sometimes because they just have to, or sometimes even when they don't need to.

In the last 12 months, I have made this one choice. It's a very important choice but one which I can't say yet. Time will tell, you'll see. But yes, I have been the master of my fate. The captain of my soul. Needless to say, you'll know it beforeI tell you.

In the last 12 months, I have dreamed. Conquered some. Needing some. Living some. I have made the most of what I have, but that doesn't stop me from wanting just a tad more, one step at a time. Most dreams are still being woven. Most are in order. Most are to watch out for. No rush, not at all. Hey after all, 12 months is just one year. Next year, come by this corner again. Don't forget to smell the flowers.

A Weekend Bliss

I have just come back from one of my best weekends for the summer. It was a blissful 2 days & 1 night spent with good company with good food in a good place. Laiya, Batangas. Aah, what a bliss. It didn't take too much an effort getting to know new people. It was 2 good days of frolic, fun and laughter. The bus ride going to San Juan was way too slow, I must admit, but with great friends on the way with you, the lazy ass-ed bus could take its lousy time for all I care. As ever, I find bus rides cleansing to my soul. I love cruising by SLEX, for it brings old, well-kept memories to the surface. I remember wild days of driving and racing through those highways while being dead drunk to alcohol and other unpleasant substances. I think of anticipated Sunday afternoons when I looked forward to going back to ELBI and to the friends and home I considered making there. I let the old times consume me, if only for a bit, because my mind with this memory is at its most vulnerable, - and yes, dangerous. Now, I feel my story digressing. ELBI life is for another post. I will write about it again, someday. But for now, yes, Laiya Batangas. We got to the beach after about 3 and something hours. For me, that was just on time because lunch has just been served then, and my stomach was just beginning to rumble. After luncheon was games for everyone who felt like getting wet either by saltwater or sweat. I felt more like playing my guitar. Oh yes, BIBI, my dependable new love came with me on this trip. So ignoring the water and the sun and the sand altogether, I got my songbook out and played to my heart's content. Toni and Marj, some of the guys I work with at the office stayed on either side of me and sang with me thru the afternoon. Time flies when you're having fun. All too soon, it was late afternoon and 'twas time to move to the sleep camp where we're staying for the night. After showering the day's heat off, we went to dinner at the pavillion near the beach and stayed behind for the bikini open. Much hoots, dances, claps, games and songs later, some people went back to their own cabins and retired for the night. Some groups opted to have some drinks by their huts, but majority of Boticelli, my new team, wanted to get a shut-eye. Toni, Marj, Joey and I decided otherwise. We trekked the hundred something meters from our suite to the tree houses in search of groups doing some alcohol bingeing. We happened by OM Tito and TL Eugene's group, where Lance, an old friend hung out too. Songs, dances, jokes, food, beer, tequilla, thoughts and secrets were shared amongsts new and old friends that night. Being bosses and subordinates did not matter. During the night, we talked and walked the intricate line of communication - open, frank, real. By the end of 2 cases of beer and a big bottle of tequilla, everyone had a dose of a good conversation. One by one, people dozed off and walked to their own suites. Everyone went except 5 - Toni, Marj, Joey, Fritz and I. We hung by the pavillion, talking. Good talks. Serious talks. Funny talks. We took a dip in the pool. More talks. Intimate talks. By dawn, we were well ahead of having a very good conversation, that we never noticed we haven't swam at all. We were just standing, or half-sitting, or in Fritz's case, splitting, while we talked. We have been staying in the water, soaking and marinating like nice fishes for almost 3 hours. By sunrise, we went to the beach to watch the skies. The water was calm. Fritz said that saltwater equilibrates and neutralizes the body. It supposedly eases tension. It might have been true, for I felt exactly just that while sitting in the shallow waters. That was a quiet moment. I felt relaxed. I felt easy. I felt at peace. The skies had a story for me that morning. It was as if it was talking to me. I felt awed by the colors. I felt more alive, if anything. I wish I had taken more pictures. But no, I left everything in the cabin for fear of losing or damaging anything if I got too rowdy or too drunk. I never got drunk. Tipsy, yes. Tamang amats, yes. It felt so nice to laugh again. You know the kind of laughter that bubbles from within and then bursts out as a hearty one is the kind of laughter that I have been missing most these last couple of months. I had lots of those in Laiya. Yeah, last weekend was lots of fun. I felt that I have been meeting all these new people for a purpose. I don't know what yet, but you'll see, in time, I will know enough to even write about it. For several days now, I have been anticipating for something. It's as if something real good is about to happen. I feel excited about something but I don't know what. I have been waking up with good thoughts lately. I don't know, maybe a surprise is waiting for me somewhere around the corner. I can't wait. Lemme' leave you with sky pictures that I took while going back home to Manila. Again, I don't know why, but I feel like the skies are about to shower me with good things real soon. I don't even ask why anymore. Maybe I just deserve to be happy - again. Yeah, I know I do.

Happy Birthday Mother

It's my mom's 52nd birthday today. For the longest time while I was growing up, mama and I didn't get along very well. We had an eternal love-hate relationship that trancends the closest of bonds between a mother and child to a crazy, spasmosdic argumentative interactions that only enemies can survive. 27 years after, and still counting, we have finally gotten over that. Whew.
My mom is the best person in my world. She has seen me through the worst. She has defended me even when friends and sadly, even family members judged and scorned me. She has fought for me.
And 27 years ago, she has decided to keep me. For that, I am most grateful.
While my father is the main provider and decision-maker in the family, my mama is the strength and the strong-hold. She holds this family together. She may be perceived as the weakest of us, for she is always the first one to shed tears in altercations but her tears give us strength. Sometime in the past, in one of the most trying times my family has ever had to undergo, when all hell seemed to break loose, she was the one who endured it all. My dad gave up physically and succumbed to a minor stroke. My brother and I gave in to our anger and did not speak for 6 whole months. Connie, uncharacteristically became apathetic to the situation. And Meng spent more time with friends outside than at home. My mama was the one who managed to patch everything up for all of us. She was the one who, amidst the tears in her eyes, gave us the reason to smile every once in a while. She took the effort to make sure that life goes on despite the problems. She had to make sure food was still on the table by 7PM every night. She made sure that the kids still did their homework every night. She made it a point that Connie and I received our allowances on time. She saw to it that papa took his medications seriously. My mama, she took charge. It has been 6 years since. She hasn't stopped taking charge still.
These days, my family has endured and survived, and still surviving. We have gone back to the old status quo. My dad is as healthy as a carabao these days. Mac and I patched up our differences. Meng and Con, of course, only had to see that the family has healed and they have come running home. And mama? She's all smiles these days. She divides her time visiting her kids here in the Metro and working as a nurse as she considers it her stress-reliever. During the weekends, when she has to stay in Ilocos, she lovingly tends to her Euphorbias in the garden and gives papa his weekly pedicure. Every now and then, mama complains of minor aches, headaches, athritis or whatnot, and all of us, papa included, give a half-hearted panic as we secretly believe it's just mama making lambing to us. Mama has turned to be somewhat of a health freak lately and she has been dieting. Ironically, all the family members, including moi, are the fattest these days. As ever, mama never forgets to call and text me to watch my diet. She even monitors my sleeping time because she is afraid that I might get a stroke while asleep. Every month, she sends a box of goodies from the province, including fruits and our favorite recipes that only she could cook. These days, life just doesn't get any better with mama continuing to love us.
So there, its May 15 today, and it has been 52 years since God has given us this wonderful person that I call mama.
For you ma, I wish you a more well, and longer-lived life, a continously good health, and hopefully, your children could make you prouder than you already are of them. Happy Birthday Mother!

i am no virgin!

I have 5 girlfriends at the moment. Among us 5, I am the only one who is technically, a...virgin. So, big deal, right? Whatevs.

One of them is a wife. Another is a pseudo-wife. The third has been a pseudo wife. And the fourth will be a wife. And the fifth? Me. So? Nothing.

It is not that big a deal, really. I have had my own share of naughtiness in my own wicked, wicked ways. But I guess I just haven't found the right person to make suko my Bataan yet. Haha, taena, parang dyologs na pakonyo na bazura yung last line na yun ah! So? Whatever.

I guess I got my line of thought geared to this topic as soon as we were done with our pizza bingeing at Park Square. My girlfriends and I love talking. Food, saliva and lotsa others fly from our dental orifices when we have talks over our lunches but it does not infuriate even the OC-OC moi. Ugh, gross, right? So?

Uh, so anyway, we were talking and the topic of the day was the mole on toot-toot's toot toot. And it turned out that "has been pseudo-wife's" former toot-toot also has a mole on his toot-toot. And sure, they began comparing. And while I left my mouth gaping, I sure hell don't know what they were talking about. (Of course I knew, technically, but...you know what I mean right? ). So there.

Now, I just realize that yes, I am indeed the only one left in the group with that little piece of H still intact. Eww. Eww? Har har, I find myself all smiles now as Im writing this part of this post. I'm stumped. I forget what I was going to say.

I guess for me, virginity is a state of mind. It is a perception. A feeling. Something that is just more than that little piece of hymen located in gawd-knows-where part of me. I mean, sir c'mon, I don't want to get too technical about it, because you know what? I sure don't find any freakin' difference between someone who society considers a virgin, and someone they dont. I guess it's not so much of a big deal for me. So?

Now, here is the catch. If virginity is indeed a state of mind, and my mind, as it is, is the mind of a wanderer who jumps at every oppurtunity to indulge in intellectual masturbation, then I can say I am not a virgin anymore. I have always been on the lookout for intellectual fucks and academic teasing. For all intents and purposes, I can say that my mind has been an intellectual prostitute. And for that, I am no virgin, thank you very much.

So. That's my two-cents piece on the matter. I just thought about this after lunch. And it's a good thought. Sporadic thought. Sporadic post. Yeah, just about the thing to blog about. Thanks for reading about my virginity. And yes, in case you misunderstood, I still have my H intact. Sheesh.

Hola Rara! Feliz Navidad Maimai!

And so we just came back to the Metro from one of the hidden places in the mountains, and I know this post is darn late, and that I just haven't the time to write lately, and so this sentence is becoming too long so I'll just cut it... whew. Ano daw sinasabi ko? Ewan.

We got a nice surprise when Rara, one of my dearest cousins from Canada suddenly decided to come home for a couple of days of fun and frolic. The last time I saw him was about 8 years ago, and I always remembered him as this makulit kid na sinisipa lagi namin ng kuya Michael niya. Nge, ala lang, cliche this may sound, but yes, time indeed has moved fast, and I feel like my childhood is suddenly going, going, and then ...gone.

Oh ye, this is not about being all senti and whatnot, but I guess I am at a point when I really realize now that I am indeed the clan's eldest. Maternal and paternal and all extended relatives included, I have never ever met a cousin who was older than I am. For the longest time, I shunned my role to the family. I cavorted in the comforts of my childhood. I carried no responsibilities. I met no obligations. I have let people take care of me. And I, Marinella Jennifer B. Trinidad, has lived a freaking, outrageous, outlandish spoiled life. Until now.

Ye people, until now. I had to live this lifestyle for 27 years and not realize it. And it took my cousin Rara, who was what, 6 years younger than I am to make me stop and say, "Opps stop right now, thank you very much."

So to you my sweet darling Melvin Rae, gracias. Months would soon be years again that we won't be seeing each other but in my own way, I will be keeping you stuck in the sweet folds of my memory. You'll never know this, but ye, you struck a chord, and ye, you got me thinking into changing my ways.

Okay, next topic. Zeday eez mee favorita prima's boithdoi. Maimai, Feliz Navidad beybeh!
I dunno why you look so sad today (and yesterday too!) but I guess this has something to do with you losing your phone to that darned driver the other day. No matter sweetie. Tu mama eez getting you another one theez Tuesday. Consider it "the gift". Zo, in ze meantime, enjoy your day beecoz eet only comes once een a year mah dear. We're eating out laytah, and wee can have a feast then. Love you panget!

Okay, so there, I don't really feel like updating pa. I've been so busy with work and I'm kinda still tryin' to fit in with the new gang at the office. Oh, guess whut, I just love my new boss. We call her Bam. I guess after a series of unfortunate events with my recent bosses, fate finally decided to turn the tides eh? I am really looking forward to sharing the good times with the new people. I miss the old gang, yes. That's a given. But old, fond memories shouldn't keep us from making new special ones. Life keeps a hold to special things, and with the way I hold mine, I'm sure there would never be a day when I'd say I have forgotten. No way.

Have you noticed how this post was written without any coherent thesis? I'm writing whatever that comes to mind. It's so, so hot today. I'm so tempted to go up to my room and turn on my airconditioner full blast but I just got my Meralco bill. Fuck it. Ang mahal ng kuryente!

Hala, kung anu-ano na po sinusulat ko? Babay muna?
Aaah, sana umulan na. Nakakabaliw po ang sobrang sikat ng araw. Di niyo lam?
Pakyu. Ahihi. Dyok lang. Peace.

Okay, babay.

I Feel Complete But I'm O-C

My whole family is here with me in the Metro for a couple of days. I feel complete.

My sister Meng is graduating from college and la familia Trinidad is here to celebrate it. I, as the eldest sister and pseudo-owner of the rented flat where we're staying, am doing her best, being in charge of what...almost everything. Hmm, as of last week, I've already taken care of the resort where we'll be heading this week-end. Lodging's reserved. Food's been planned. I only have to ask Fatee to go to the market and buy the stuff. Let me see..forgive me folks, allow me to just think out loud for a coupla' minutes. I need this. OC-OC me... waah!

• Meng's shoes - check
• Toga & Cap - check
• Meng's dress - Papa, Mama, Mac and Meng are out buying it right now.
• Hair & Makeup - asked Mai to check out the parlors at the
  mall - details later tonight.
• Post Grad dinner - tita Sheng is taking care of it - go over
  the menu again.
• Digicam - check - remind Mac to recharge it.
• My leave from the office - check

Things to bring to the
Resort:

• Monopoly Set - check
• Mahjong set - check
• Playing Cards Deck - check
• Food - list down groceries and give it to Fatee by Saturday
  morning
• Portable MP3/CD player - check
• Transpo - give Papa the gas money
• Mama - remind her to buy a swimsuit
• Sunblock lotion - remind myself to include that in the
  grocery list
• Connie - make sure I go over the directions with her
  again

Ano pa ba...Maygad, bakit ba ko ganito! I feel like there's so much missing from my list but I'm too sleepy to think about it now. But then again, knowing that the list is hanging prevents me from even closing my eyes at all. I need to cure myself na. This is too OC for my taste.

Actually, Im really about to publish this entry now. But I had a sudden urge to alphabetize my list - or perhaps arrange it so that the "checks" are on top first. Eew.

the bathroom gimmick

I call my most recent escapade the "bathroom gimmick". Why? Two reasons.

First, it happened in good 'ol Los Baños, which, if I remember my Spanish correctly, is the term for "bathing" (from the español word, bañar, meaning "to bath" or "to wash"). The second reason will be explained by the following cuento. I'm warning you though, this is going to be a long post. Alright?

Alright. So it happened on a very late Thursday evening after we pornstar** people learned that we won't be training for the next 5 (five??!!!) days. Ye, you got it right sweetie. Limang bwaka-ng-shet na araw na walang trabaho!

So I guess this was a perfect time for that long awaited gimmick for the mentors, right? Wrong. Most of the mentors at PBCOM have to work Friday and Saturday. As for me and Mel, we actually needed to go to sumwer-Laguna before Saturday because we both needed to find a place for our las familias' gimmicks for next weekend. So although the perfect scenario was to get all the mentors gimmick with us, we set to go on Friday afternoon with Lance, Blue, Louie (Lance's significant other), and Alfonso (Mel's labidabs).

No, I wasn't too OC with the preparations. And yes, I did everything hurriedly, with not so much time to pack and re-pack and then some like what I do with most of my trips. I actually slept as soon as I got home and crammed packing as soon as I got up.

Meeting place was at Ayala-Makati of course, and although I lived the farthest, I was the first to get on site. Blue, who lived the 2nd farthest came in next. And the 3rd was Mama Mel, which of course set the trend that the person who lived the nearest (Lance!!) arrived the last.

Mama Mel was driving the truck (yes, a truck like an elf - picture this, yung pangdeliver ng mineral water), with Alfonso right beside her. The rest of us stayed at the back, at sus mio, sumisigaw kame para makapag-usap. Route was EDSA-Alabang-Expressway and you know how buses and trucks would race by along those roads, right? And friends, believe me when I say na namanhid ang mukha ko sa lakas ng hangin, at ang kulot kong buhok, esponghado at parang naka tease sa pagkatayo. So I guess you get the picture, but lemme show you some pics at baka naman napakapangit nung inimagine mo.

As soon as we got to Pansol, we knew we needed to find a resort to our liking really fast coz people were queueing already. Haggling our way for a private resort was so out of the question since people would practically shove to be in our place. Prices were ridiculously expensive and the whole place was literally crawling with gimekeras and familias all set to spend the holiday immersed in pools.

After checking out at least 5 places, we ended up in a pathetic place called Castillo Royal or something. It was not even a private sanctuary. There were 3 pools (they're occupied to the hilt, so it doesn't freakin' matter!), and the only room we could get was a pathetic, dimly lit, fan-aired, 1 bed, with pockmarked walls space. Sabi ni Louie, me nahuli pa siyang ipis. The price, in all fairnessm was not so expensive as in 5-star galore... We actually paid 1720Php for the lodging and entrance, pero naman!

We stayed in the pool for just about 30 minutes and we had to harass other people (especially kids) so they won't dare get in with us. Blue was actually yelling, "May sakiit akoooo!!" And I would shout, "Gonorrhea!!" just to disgust people and keep them off OUR pool. For the kids, who may not understand the STD term, we yelled something like, "Malalim, malulunod ka! Nakakamatay dito!" We eventually stopped coz people came in gazillions after that. Shet na Castillo Royal yan, dapat magpagawa sila ng wanmilyon pools!

Anyhoits, we went up to our room and drank a couple of beers. Now, that was fun. We actually tried to wait until all the other people got tired and went to sleep so we could have the pools to ourselves. Hmp, fat chance. We got tired and I decided to get a shower already. Now this was where I started feeling the clues that this was to be called my bathroom gimmick. For some freakin reason, this particular resort had no H2O in the 2nd floor bathroom where our room was. I went down to the first floor. The 1st floor bathroom didn't have a door that closes though. It was the kind of shower room meant for wetting the suit or the body before swimming. Not for actually bathing.

For the love of god, I had to do what I need to do. So with my eyes glued to the semi-opened door, I stood under the shower (with eyes opened talaga!) in my birth suit. I had to keep my towel nearby so I could cover myself in a worse-case scenario. The thing was, my towel soaked with me. I wouldn't say I had enough time to actually rinse myself of soap and shampoo and conditioner. In fact, I couldn't remember now how I actually bathed. Parang di na nga yata ako nagshampoo. It couldn't have taken me more than 5 minutes! Bwaka-ng-shet no?

And then I went back to our room where we had to fit 6 gorgeous people on a bed meant for 2. Come morning, I couldn't say I had a good night's sleep. I could say the others felt the same way. Swarms of swimmers were still in the pool and though we still wanted to swim, we felt uncomfortable sharing the small pools with strangers. We needed to check out by 7AM lest we get charged additonal. I said, "Let's get the hell out of here."
I took the whole group to my favorite "alma mater", YUPI-ELBI. Most of us were hikers so I was thinking of taking them to flat rocks or botanical or somewhere. Botanical was closed but we actually had the whole mountain to ourselves so we had breakfast there. We had a round of volleyball and then some. And then like some sudden inspiration hit me, I thought of "Pook ni Mariang Makiling." OMG, how can I forget. I spent one of my wildest, wildest days there sometime in my past. Aaah, eto na, me memory gap na si Jing.

So akyat kame sa kabilang bundok, at shet, when we saw the place and the lodging prices, we had to shake our heads. For a measly thousand bucks, we could have had a cottage with 2 rooms, 6 beds and a veranda. For 40Php per pax, we could swim in the Olympic size pool. And for 25Php, we could wander aimlessly in the virgin forest reserve for the whole freakin day. Hay sarap.

So ayun, nagpaka-negra nako buong araw. So ayun, swimming dito. Swimming doon. At tinuruan pa namin ni Alfonso si Mama Mel mag-treading. So ayun, nag-hike kame at umakyat sa view deck. At naglaro pa kame ng "Tulisan at Ace Vergel" habang nasa forest kame. Tapos kumain kame ng banana con yelo. At adobo at embutido sa "Kainan ng mga Diwata." At shet, nag-sunbathe ako at nakatulog habang bilad sa araw!

Now the entire day could have ended fabulously if I only left the pool just a couple of minutes earlier. But no, when Blue left the pool at around 4PM, Mel and I decided to stay coz I was teaching her how to tread water. I also wanted to practice my strokes. So we stayed for around 30 minutes more. By 4:30, we decided to call it a day and start showering. Pagdating sa banyo, maniwala't hindi, walang TUBIG. Actually, nag start na kame maligo. Pero nung may shampoo na sa palad ko, ayun na! Wala na... Tang-ina! Kahapon pa ko di nagshashampoo! Anong akala niyo sa buhok ko, perpekto??!!

Mama Mel went to Alfonso who was in the Men's bathroom. Me tubig daw doon. Alfonso offered to be a lookout so Mama Mel and I could have some privacy. 2 problems : the men's CR had 2 entrances and; (hang on to your seat) it had no roof! Finally, Alfonso managed to talk to some guys outside to help him explain to the other males that some girls were to use the bathroom. Hay, privacy, finally. Pag -on namin ng faucet at shower, may konting tubig pa. Miya-miya, ni hindi pa kame gumagalaw, tumigil na rin ang tubig... Sa totoo lang, give up na ko. Shet, kung panata ko ang di pagligo, sige na, gagawin ko na!

I went back to the Women's bathroom, and with a tabo-full of H2o, I rinsed and washed my vital parts as best as I can and promptly dressed.

On the way to Manila, I finally realized how funny the situation is. I haven't been taking a bath properly for almost 2 days already, when I was supposed to be in a place that means "bathrooms". I almost didn't care coz home was just 2 hours away, and I could then soak til eternity when I get home. Something couldn't wait however. Somewhere in Calamba, I had to take a leak. I asked Alfonso to stop in the next gas station.

We stopped at Shell. I got down from the truck and went to the CR to do my deed. It should only have taken me around 5 minutes. Ten, at the most. It feel surreal that when I finally was able to relieve myself, I found myself locked in the CR. The doors would not budge, man. The locks were jammed. Waaaahh. Taeng mga banyo to, inaaway ako....

Kala ko niloloko ako ni Lance or ni Alfonso. Kinakausap ko pa sila na wag na nila hawakan knob sa kabilang side. Matagal-tagal din yun..tumatawa pa ko kunyari kase akala ko nijojoke nila ako. Hinde pala! Putsa, sira ang putsang knob!! Buti na lang naalala ko na dala ko cellphone ko. Tinawagan ko na sila. At tinawag pa ni Mama Mel ang mga gas boys. At eto, nung andun na yung mga gas boys, gumana na ulit ang door knob! Shit, pinahiya lang po ako ng door knob, bow!

Okay, now I'm still trying make sense of my bathroom escapades for the last two days. Funny that it should happen in a place called Los Baños. It has been a while since I last visited the place. This place holds a lot of sad, melancholic and nostalgic memories for me. And I wonder if the gods conspired this time to make me remember Los Baños as one happy, funny place. Ye, I think that's it. Hihi.

Burnt Bridges

It's probably my fault this time. And I am not making excuses. I'm facing this head on.

I burn bridges. One of my friends recently pointed this out to me. There was a time when I held on to my past so dearly. I clung to old friends, old feelings and old memories that I've had a difficult time moving on. Not this time. I'm burning bridges baby.

Please don't hate me. I'm doing this because I think I deserve it. I have never ever denied that I was, I am, and will always be selfish (aren't we all?), and I need to love myself more than anything. Or anyone. Nobody wants to be hurt. No one wants to continue hurting. I've had my share. You've had yours too. More so, in fact. But I want out.

Why?

And you wondered why I put the phone down when you asked that. I couldn't answer. No answer can justify what I've done. Emotions and feelings are never justified. They are just there. You feel it. It grows on you. It eats you. It kills you. My emotions killed me. And I want out.

Little by little, I know this shall soon pass. And I can only hope that you find happiness as I find mine. We will continue with this journey, albeit separately, and who knows in time, the roads will probably cross again. I can never thank you enough for all the good things we've shared. I will always be grateful for the love you gave. For one last time. let me tell you I love you. But that was never the question, wasn't it? It never was.

Until then babe.

To The Mentors

It has been an honor to have worked with you. To the remaining Ravens, breathe, live, and be proud to be a mentor. Now we know what the corporate world is like. No matter. We have the skies to conquer. Fly high Ravens! Fly as one. Till then.

Spoiled ako! Yey!

Di ko alam na matatapos ngayong araw na to ng ganito. Pumasok ako, halos pilitin ko sarili kong bumangon. Halos mag-absent na naman ako sa trabaho. Pero bumangon ako. Kumain. Naligo. At oo, pumasok ako. Buti na lang andun ang mga kaibigan ko. Si Mama Mel. Si Lance. Si Madge. Sila kasama ko buong gabi. Sa gitna ng trabaho, pasaglit-saglit na usap. Manaka-nakang tawanan. Ang buong gabi ay puno ng nakaw na tsismisan ng mga magkakaibigan. Masaya.

Pero sa likod nito, alam naming malungkot. Lilipat na si Madge. Nag-resign na ako. Pasunod na rin si Mama Mel at Lance. Sabi naming lahat, " So what!" Okey, so tuloy ang kuwentuhan.

Nagkukuwentuhan pa din kame nung lumapit ang boss. Tinawag ako at si Lance. Sabi namin, "Kami lang ba?" Sheet, nakakatakot yata to ah. Pumasok kame sa office ng big boss. "Lance, bad news yata to ah."

Sabi ng Operations Manager, "You have a choice to transfer to Onstar."
"What?"
"What about my resignation...?"
"They need 2 people...I thought it best to offer it to you guys first."
"Think about it. I will be here till later..."
"Give us a couple of hours, boss..."
"Oh, by the way, regarding the problem/case with HR, nobody in the team is gonna get sanctioned. We will just let bygones be bygones. It was nobody's fault anyway."

Silence. Ano daaww??
Balik ako kina Mama Mel at Madge. 2 slots lang daw..
Pa'no na to..Pa'no si Blue...Si Mac naman magreresign na no matter what...
Shet, pa'no si Mama Mel?? Usap ulit. Usap sa CR. Usap sa pantry. Usap sa office ni Miss Carlynne na ginawa na rin naming tambayan ng staff ng Bubbler Newsletter. Me isang napaluha. Tapos dalawa na. Mamaya, kanya-kanyang punas na kami ng mata. Puwet ng indio, shet.

So ayun...di ko lang namalayan talaga ang sumunod na nangyari, pero this time di na kame pumayag na dehado na naman kami. Kailangan namin ng 4 na slots. Apat! Sabi 2 lang pwede. Ayaw, di ako papayag.

Bago natapos ang araw, di ko alam kung paano nangyari, pero ganito:
Una, nalaman ko na nanalo case namin sa HR.
Pangalawa, pinagbigyan yung request to transfer to another office/account.
Pangatlo, nagretract ako ng resignation, at tanggap agad, alang problema.
Pang-apat, pinayagan ang 4 slots sa paglipat, samantalang 2 lang ang kailangan.
Pang-lima, nakapagplano kami ng Boracay trip habang nangyayari lahat ng ito. At wagka, piso lang ang roundtrip ticket! --> ha?

So, ano, spoiled ako no? Bait Niya, sabi na nga ba't nakiking Siya sa dasal eh. Tenkyu!

Feeling Freshman

Sabi ni joey, grumaduate daw kami ng hayskul 10 years ago today. Ganun na ba katagal? Oo, ganun na katagal. Dami na lumipas, dami na dumaan. Maraming nagbago, maraming nawala. Marami sa mga kaibigan ko noon, di ko na alam kung nasaan ngayon. Naubusan, nawalan na ako ng mga balita. Kunsabagay, college pa lang, nawala naman talaga akong parang bula. Ang huli kong yapak sa Pisay, yun yung unang Alumni Homecoming nung 1st year college ako. Ewan ko ba kasi kung bakit napadpad ako sa YUPI-ELBI nung kolehiyo. Pero ibang istorya yang Elbi na yan. No regrets naman, kumbaga. Pero saka na ang kuwento dyan. Mas naiisip ko ngayon ang hayskul. Ang weird nga eh, parang lumipas lang sa kin ang Pisay days ko na parang panaginip. Di na klaro sa kin ang maraming memories nung panahon na yun. Weird nga eh, kung tutuusin, feeling ko yun yung time na pinakamasaya ako. Pero parang ang labo na talaga ng memories ko ng Pisay days ko. Me nahanap ako na V8 tape na kinunan nung hayskul days ko. Sa dorm kase ako tumira nun, so every night, me iba't-ibang tripping mga kasama kong estudyante dun. One nigfht, naisipan naming magkuhanan ng video. Napanood ko ulit lately lang. Mukhang ang saya-saya ko sa video. As in. Pero habang nanonod ako, pinipilit ko ding hukayin ang utak ko sa kahit konting alaala man lang ng gabing yun. Wala talaga. Shet. Siguro me tama na utak ko sa daming toma at yosi nung college sa Elbi. O siguro, me epekto na rin yung walang puknat kong night life nung college ako. O kaya, naapektuhan na talaga ang utak ko sa mga maraming emotional rollercoasters na sinakyan ko. Kumbaga, nag-compartmentalize ako, at yung ibang isinara kong parts ng buhay ko, di ko na naalalang buksan ulit. Heavy ba? Ahihi. Kukuwento ko sana kung anong mga emotional rollercoasters tong mga to, pero nakow, ibang kuwento po ang college life ko. Ibang kuwento ang Elbi. So ayun, 10 years ago nga, grumaduate ako hayskul. Napakatagal na pala talaga. Marami na kong nakita. Maraming narinig at napakinggan. Medyo malayo na din ang aking mga napuntahan. Pero sa totoo lang, hindi ganun kalaki ang pinagbago ko. Naalala ko tuloy yung sinabi ng isang napakabuti kong kaibigan. Sabi niya, "Lahat tayo, freshman sa buhay. Laging nangangapa. Laging me pagbabago. Lagi tayong me matutunan." Matagal na niyang sinabi yun. Sabi ko sa kanya noon, "Mali ka." Sabi ko noon na perception lang ang pagiging "freshman". Nasa pagdadala yan. Sabi ko noon. Pero ngayon, ewan ko ba, kainin ko na lang siguro yung sinabi ko. Sa tinagal-tagal ng panahon, pakiramdam ko marami pa ko dapat matutunan. Me patutunguhan na di ko naman alam kung saan. Laging parang kung kelan komportable na ko sa sitwasyon, kelangan ko na ulit umalis at baguhin lahat. Parang meron pa akong hinahanap. Ewan. Ayon, napahaba yata ito a. Si Joey kse eh, kung anik-anik pa ang naaalala. Kunsabagay, masaya talaga ang hayskul. Lalo na sa Pisay. Me sariling mundo kami noon. Me sariling mga pangarap. Sampung taon na lumipas. Pero feeling ko Freshman pa din ako. Ano daw? Labo. Basta, ganun.

*** Nakikinig ako ngayon ng The Freshman ng Verve Pipe. Nagpaka senti na ang Jing! Nakow. ***

relics of the past

Taken years and years ago. 1993.
Pisay. Sophomore. Ylang-Ylang.
Happy. Peaceful. Bliss.
Friendship. Dreams.
A Memory.

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. ~From the television show The Wonder Year

Anger Management 101

I do not justify anything. I never do. My friends do not require explanations; and my enemies would not listen nor understand anyway.

I know that respect is mutual. And that if I don't respect others' viewpoint, chances are they won't acknowledge mine. Yes, there may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest. Respect is not belittled when you are only doing what you think is right.

If you prick us, do we not bleed?
if you tickle us, do we not laugh?
if you poison us, do we not die?
and if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?

But then again, I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man. I will show a little bit of my anger everyday instead of showing a lot of it on one day. In the end, the best way to beat my enemy is to beat her at politeness.