How I Spent Christmas

And so it was Christmas. I took a leave from the Metro to go home for the last time this year. 3 nights, 4 days. Quite enough time to spend the Holiday Season peacefully with the people most special to me. Not too short to miss out so much, and not too long for me and my mom to start killing driving each other nuts.

A week before I was set to go home, I was feeling all giddy and Christmas-sy. A month before that, I was already done with all my Christmas shopping. A couple of days before I was set to go, I had all my gifts packed in a box 2 big boxes and sent them to my folks already. So see, I was all ready and roaring to go spend my 2005 Holidays to the ol' provencal Ilocos where my folks live up to this day.

First Night - I got home on the eve of the 24th. I was expecting a nice, cozy, warm dinner with close family members, then perhaps another round of devouring (ahihi, devour talaga, antakaw!) the leftovers after attending the midnight mass. Surpise, surprise...
For the life of me, I don't know where my mother picks up old, obscure relatives who just pop out of nowhere. Yeah, yeah, its Christmas-time for givin-time for sharin- all that crap, but jeez...who the heck are these people? Excuse me, you're seating on my seat at the dining table. Excuse me, you're drinking from my wineglass. Excuse me, you stepped on my toe. FREAKIN EXCUSE ME, YOU ARE FREAKIN TAKING UP MY SPACE. And oh, Merry Christmas, by the way.
Now, don't get me wrong. I love my relatives. Those that I'm familiar with, at least. But for those who can't get pass through saying, "Ang taba mo ngayon ha." and "Kumusta ang studies?" I have 2 answers dear remote relatives: 1st - You haven't seen me for years. What's your basis for comparison? When was I ever thinner to you?" 2nd - "I've graduated eons ago..duh!" Naman, naman!
By the time our home was left with my "familiar" relatives, we were all too tired to go to mass already. We decided to attend the next morning instead. We were so mighty tired that night that all we did to cap the night off was to play monopoly. I know, it sounds pretty juvenile, but I'm proud to say it's one of my family's favorite pastimes (parents included).
Here's papa and tita Sheng with Meng giving out "emergency gifts" to the "emergency relatives"

2nd day - Pleasant surprises.
Arvi, an old friend came by and we spent half a day catching up on each other's lives. It was a pretty lazy day, with the first part of the morning spent on playing monopoloy. The whole family attended mass in the afternoon. We had dinner out. Before we slept for the night, we had another round at monopoloy. Now I don't know the real deal between monopoly and the Trinidad kids but I think this is a game that we have never really outgrown. My brother, who is the youngest in the family is already in college. My folks are in their early fifties. Moi, is about a couple of years from my tridecade anniversary. But when we play monopoly, you'd think all of us are kids again.


Here's Con dealing out some moolah. Look how serious we
all are. You'd think we were holding authentic cuartas huh?








And here's papa and mama trying to
outsmart their kids. Ma dreadfully lost
this round by the way. As ever, tapunan
naman siya ng tukso. :)

3rd day- I got sick. It was the sickest I've felt the entire year and it just got me so frustrated co'z I had so many things set to do.I was supposed to meet up with Arvi and another old friend, Ramil to try out some of the local bars. At the same time, I was supposed to have lunch at Tata's (grandpa's) house. And of course, there was the usual monopoly to drain me of energy. But as it was, I barely got up from bed. I gave it my best shot to go to Tata's house though. I am rarely ever home and kinda' miss my older folks.

At Tata's House (left-right standing): Mama, moi, lula Samma, Mai, (keft-right sitting): tita Sheng, Tata, Meng, and the 2 kids are Janna (with the tongue) and Nikka.

4th day - I didn't go out at all. My temp's mighty high and I just spent the whole day marathoning James Bond movies with Macky. That night, I had a trip booked for Manila. So much for temporary hiatus. My 4 days and 3 nights are up. I was feeling all shitty inside because of me fever, but I felt good inside. I needed this vacation. If only for once a year, I get to be sane again, if only for once a year, I get to spend quality with my family again - all for the price of getting sick, damn, gimme sickness once a month. I love this. I feel warm and fuzzy and woozy and whatever. I feel loved and I feel blessed. Haha, I'm babbling. Who cares? Merry Christmas everyone. (and that includes ALL relatives too!) - in the spirit of giving and sharing, I have decided to ignore that you only show up during the "giving" season.

Year In Review:2005

Lifted from Tasha's blog. The idea is to repost the last sentence of the first entry of each month in 2005 and call it "Year In Review". Hmm..Lemme see...I've been blogging for less than a year, but I wanna see if I had been making sense all this time.

Here goes...

MAY

Will the creative juices keep up? We'll see...We'll see..

JUNE

perhaps not.

JULY

Pero tama na muna.

AUGUST

ouch--move my screen to the left please..i can't move...

SEPTEMBER

you know who you are.

OCTOBER

I would be so famous, you would forget your name first before you miss out saying Siyoktong!

NOVEMBER

Before I completely waste this entry and delete it altogether, I'm gonna stop writing-right now.

DECEMBER

Let's watch it!

Does it make sense?

Oh yes!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!

I love you all! MWAH!

empty roads

I said: I'm not happy anymore.
You said: I'm not happy anymore.
I said: I'm tired.
You said: I'm tired.
I said: I couldn't make you happy.
You said: I couldn't make you happy.

Together, we couldn't make us happy anymore.
We were in the middle of the road.
Not going right nor left.
But you left.
And I left.
No goodbyes.
Just tears.
We are both scarred.
But both stronger.
So what now.
The road was already empty.

Google Meme

Tasha, you tagger, you! I know I hate bein' tagged but this looked pretty interesting, so what the heck. Let's!
{Here's the rule. Go "Google" each answer and post the 1st image that comes up} --> did I get it right Tash?


1. The age you will be on your next birthday: 26
January 2. Mark your calendars sweeties. If you're around the Metro by then, crash by my place. Really. Ring me up at +639278807029 for details.


2. The place you live: DILIMAN
Like du-h..what else could be in Diliman but the good ol' UP, ayt?


3. Your favorite Color: ORANGE
{image is from a phone company site or sumthin like that}


4. The place you want to get married: A SECLUDED GARDEN



5. Your first love: DRIVING
Not exactly the vehicle I had in mind, but see, I've wanted to drive for the longest time and when I finally learned, I got baptized with a shitty car crash-UGH


6. Your favorite fruit or vegetable: EGGPLANT
Torta please.


7. Your favorite animal: TURTLE
I've never had any other pet. Turtles, always turtles.


8. The surname of your favorite actor/actress: HANKS
Actor, extraordinaire. Amen.


9. The name of a pet: FRUITCAKE
The name of my first Turtle


10. Your favorite song right now: ASSUMING
An old song I wrote during the old times in Bukubunduking YUPIELBI.
--> the image is the cover of a book by Rick Whitaker.

11. A bad habit of yours: GLUTTONY
So? Sue me.


12. Your middle name: BUMANGLAG
No one ever knew about my middle name back in college except my bestfriend Lei. About time I let the world know! :)
-->This image is from the Bumanglag clan's official website.

_____________________
I'm tagging
mayu
gary
manok
shelly

scared-shit

I'm scared.
And so I was taking a poop and doing a little reading. For some reason, the 1st book I was able to grab to read while doing the deed was a Christopher Pike horror fiction. I love Mr. Pike. His works are included in those few books that I have never stopped reading since elementary days. And have I said why? Uhm, Christopher Pike's works of fiction scare the shit out of me. There.
[to continue with the story...]
So I was there, taking a sh*t, and I was reading Pike, and demmet (!) I felt all my hair stand without any warning. And oh, did I tell you that I was alone in the house? Yeah, my sisters and my maid went home to the province earlier this morning.
[again, to continue with the story...]
I was so scared-shit that I didn't close my eyes one bit when I proceeded to take my shower. So come hell or high waters and shampoo, and soap and facial wash, I faced it all with not so much a blink of an eye. Reason? I was afraid I'd see someone else in the bathroom with me [once I open my chinky eyes again].
Oh man! What a juvenile, I am. You'd think I would have outgrown this, huh? Na-ah...
Hainaco Mr. Pike, you sure scare the shit outta' me! [no pun, no pun...]

Natural Highs

Falling in love *** Laughing so hard your face hurts *** A hot shower***

A special glance*** Getting mail***Taking a drive on a pretty road***

Hearing your favorite song on the radio***Lying in bed listening to the rain outside***

Hot towels out of the dryer***Walking out of your last final exam***

Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price. Chocolate milkshake***

A long distance phone call*** A bubble bath***Giggling***A good conversation***

The beach***Finding a hundred bill in your coat from last December***

Laughing at yourself***Midnight phone calls that last for hours***

Running through sprinklers***Laughing for absolutely no reason at all***

Having someone tell you that you're beautiful***

Laughing at an inside joke***Friends***Falling in love for the first time***

Slumber parties***

Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you***

Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep***

Your first kiss***Being part of a team***

Making new friends or spending time with old ones***

Playing with a new puppy***

Late night talks with your siblings that keep you from sleeping***

Having someone play with your hair***Sweet dreams***

Hot chocolate***Road trips with friends***Swinging on swings***

Watching a good movie cuddled up on a couch with someone you love***

Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking eggnog***

Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid***

Going to a really good concert***Making eye contact with a cute stranger***

Winning a really competitive game***

Making chocolate chip cookies***

Having your friends send you homemade cookies***

Spending time with close friends***

Running through the fountains with your friends***

Riding a bike downhill***The feeling after running a few miles-an accomplishment***

The feeling you get the first time you step on stage***

Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends***

Holding hands with someone you care about***

Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change***

Discovering that love is unconditional and stronger than time***

Riding the best roller coasters over and over***

Hugging the person you love***

Watching the expression someone's face as they open a much-desired present from you***

Kisses on your forehead***Watching the sunrise***

Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another beautiful day.

In An Effort To Understand You Better

How do I tell you?
Disappointment is such a reality
And it tires even the most patient of hearts
But I plow ahead
And hit head on
Knowing well that its worth it in the end
But feeling this
Knowing this
And having this
Just drive me to pieces
For how much I can take
And for how long I would give
Is the question that baffles
Even the wisest of minds
I'm near
Almost
But its the farthest I've felt
From you
_________________________________

When I asked you said yes. But at the last minute, we were back at no. I am not one who takes this lightly. You know me better than this. I need plans to survive. I need time to go on. Sometimes I wonder if I am still myself. There used to be a time when time need not matter. When plans were just bubbles. I wish I could be nonchalant about this. I hope there was a way to make up. If in the end things would remain, I am afraid that we could be no longer. No longer sweetie. No longer.

frustrated!

I am just so freaking frustrated right now, it's not even funny anymore. So fine, you are who you are, and I know we're both doing our jobs, but you're not paying me to do this, alright? I didn't even ask for this pro bono shit, but when I got it on my lap, served on a silver platter, if I may add, you didn't hear anything from me. Not a grunt, nor a sigh - not any trace of complaint! And so I'm doing what I'm supposed to do now and you, above all, should also know what you should be doing. But no. You give me that phoney smile, and say I should go about this on my own and you finish your day without knowing that you just wasted a day's worth of my time. It's not as if I asked for your help. It's not as if I want you to do my job. But listen, if you had paused for a moment and give a real thought to the this crap-ass we call our work, you should have known there was no way to do my job without your stupid (in) decision!

I hope you hear my grunts right now. These sighs that have been escaping my lips so utterly tell me I am complaining. Hear that? I AM FREAKIN COMPLAINING ALREADY! I've kept quiet all these time, but see, you make it so bloody difficult for me to breathe the same air you do. Yeah, my friend was right - You shouldn't demand for respect. You earn it. And if you should ask, no, you haven't earned one iota from me.

Capish?
Fuck off.
Whew...
{breathe in-breathe out}
I'm okay now.

pooped. drained. bushed. dead-beat.

I'm pooped. Drained. Bushed. Dead-beat.
What can I say, I just feel tired these days. And as ever, a tired body almost always brings out the tired soul in me.

I feel weary. And at times like this (you need a juicy? -corny!), I find writing a comfort. This is my comfort zone. I don't consider myself a writer. I will never write a novel that people would buy. I will not be winning awards for poems, stories or essays. But guys I have to admit, I don't write too bad either. If I were, you wouldn't be reading this anymore. But I digress.

Vulnerability is something that not a lot of people would associate me with. I can only count a handful of people who would say I am vulnerable. And there's much less who have seen me in such a state. But yes, I am vulnerable.

I hurt easily, much too easily. And I cry far more than you can imagine me to. I too, get tired. And most of the time, I would feel like caving in and have someone take care of me. Like most people, I pine for affection. I yearn for warmth. I, too, need a shoulder to cry on, a wall to lean on, a hand to cling to.

Oh yes, there is no better feeling in the world than to be in control. When it seems that everything has been laid to plans and nothing could seem to raze the foundations you've built. There is this high point when you think you've done all you could and everything has just been perfect. But see, after that high point, you get down from your platform and everything else is just empty. And you try to get the feeling again but the moment has passed. Life doesn't always work looking your way. And the emptiness lingers. And you feel tired...

...Pooped.. Drained... Bushed... Dead-beat.

"Ang Pagdadalaga..."

I'm endorsing this film not only because I know the director (Auraeus Solito) personally, as we have belonged to the same artsy-fartsy group in the past. This film has been accorded much respect, award and appreciation from film critics around the world. It's now showing in Philippine Cinemas. Let's watch it!

To Molly and Sally

To Molly & Sally *

Molly and Sally went to the stars,
And left the belltower in the south
Some say it was a good decision,
But how so, when someone was left with no reason...

Molly and Sally were my friends,
And we had plans of travelling together
We had fun, we would have laughed forever,
But not a sign remains, oh brother, oh brother...

May, an old friend, told we should move on
For in the end, no one really stays
For in the end, nothing really lingers
In the end, no one really has anyone...

I miss Molly and Sally
I should've gone with them
I would've gone with them
But then, I couldn't have gone with them...

Its been 2 days and 20 hours since
And I've been toxic the whole time,
So sue me, I've a right to be bitchy,
For in the end, I only have me

*For want of anonymity, Molly, Sally and May are not the real names of people concerned. And no, going to the stars does not mean they're fond of STAR Margarine (haha!). And yes, the belltower in the south, is really in the south. The toxicity mentioned is an understatement. I've been more than toxic. I bite these days. Don't try me, I can swear and bitch and suck your eyeballs out, and it'll be like heaven for me. I could chop your ears and tongues for dinner and kick your balls til they turn to mush and be nonchalant about it. DON'T BITCH WITH ME, YE HEAR??!

LOLA:1930-2005

Death, however painful, sets you free.
I took the news quite calmly. In fact, I went to sleep right after. When I woke, nothing in the world seemed to have changed. I took my my meal, had my shower, and went to work.
It still amazes me how one could feel so much yet so little at the same time. Could I be on a stage of denial? Could be. I wasn't thinking of anything too much. God forgive me, I wasn't even thinking of her.

My grandmother passed away last November 12. She had a stroke almost 3 weeks ago and at her age, nobody was hopeful that she would survive it. My dear lola tried her best though. She held on, long enough to give us a much-needed hope. She stayed, albeit just a while, for the sake of giving us a much-needed strength.

Lola had to stay for a couple of days at the ICU. She was later transferred to a private room because apparently, she was getting better.Two days before her time, she was actually strong enough to move about. Her right side was immobile but the left side was strong enough to allow her some movement.

Thursday, lola was given a discharge permit from her neurologists. The doctors said she is safe albeit full recovery is still going to take some time. The family decided to stay one more day at the hospital to make sure everything is really okay. This would also give us more time to do some adjustments at home to accomodate lola's situation.

The family constructed a fully-functional room to serve as lola's recovery bedroom in tita Dottie's house which is nearest the hospital. By Friday, everything was all set. A new bed has been delivered, the bathroom has just been finalized to the tiles. That morning, lola lapsed into a coma. By Saturday, 10:30 in the morning, she peacefully retired in her hospotal bed.


Death grips you in the heart. It could get so painful that we shoud just stop breathing. I had some lucid moments before I took full grip of the situation. I had to think and provide answers that lola is in a better place, that lola is spared of further suffering. But rationalizing death does not make it any less painful. Nothing could make the loss of a loved-one painless. Nothing.

Last Saturday was lola's interment. I filed for 3-day bereavement leave from the office.
Saturday was a cloudy, cold day. It was fitting for grieving and mourning. Early that day, I asked my brother Macky, my cousins Berg and RJ to pick roses with me. Some 3 years ago when my grandfather died, the people who attended the interment took it upon themselves to shower his coffin with flowers. I had the same thing in mind for lola. Back at the old hometown in Enrile, roses abound. At this time of the year, I was not expecting so much of it, but we managed to fill 4 bags full of roses. My lola would have loved seeing it.


I pricked my fingers while picking the roses. I didn't even bleed. I should have, if only to feel more alive that day. You see, a part of me died with lola. My last link to my father's relatives has just passed away. In my father's own words, "What further reason do we have to go home after she's gone?" All of my lola's children have families of their own already. All these years, we have only gone home to the family house for one reason, and one reason alone : for my grandparents. Both are gone now. And much as it pains me to even think about it, I don't think I would be going home to lolo's and lola's home in years to come.

Leaving for Manila last Saturday night was so painful to the point of being physical. While I was hugging and kissing my relatives, I kept looking for a familiar face that used to be always there whenever I left. Lola has always been the first and last person to kiss me whenever I went home to their house in Enrile. She would always put her face beside my face and smell me like she wants my scent to linger. I missed that. I am missing it right now.



There are so many if's on my mind right now. I remember planning to go home last summer to visit my lola. I remember planning to go with my family last October when they visited her. I remember wanting to buy something for my lola out of my first salary. I remember a lot of things. I would eternally wish I had enough time to have done these. Sometimes remembering these pains me. On other times, I just let go. She would have wanted me to. There is only one thing I could never seem to come to term with. When lolo died, I was the only grandchild who was not there with him. Before lola passed away, I was again, the only grandchild to have not seen her on her hospital bed. I have had no closure. And I badly need that right now.


Death has always been something that I was afraid of. I looked at it with fearful apprehension. I shrudder at the mere thought. When I was a child, thinking of my mortality kept me awake for nights on end. I've always cried when I get reminded that I, would eventually die like everyone else.
These days, death is still my worst fear. It has become my antagonist, the shadow on my being.
Not so many deaths has touched my family, and for that, I am thankful. I have one grandfather still alive and I hope he stays with us for a while longer. To my lola who has just stepped through that threshod that I am so afraid of, I will continue to pray so she may help me deal with my personal trepidations.
Once I accept death as natural as breathing, then I shall say I have truly had closure. Then I shall say, "death, however painful, sets you free..."
And I would truly mean it.

shivers, tingles and goosebumps

My bestfriend Cindy came over my pad today for an overdue get-together for just us gurls. We really haven't planned anything out, other than hang out in my room or go to the mall or eat out or somethin'. Turned out we didn't get to do any of these.

I was checkin out my piggy bank earlier this morning while I was waitin for Cinds. So I was all sprawled eagle-style on my bed and I was opening the "secret door" of my piggy bank. Now this piggy bank was given to me by my best gurl Cinds. And aside from the fact that yes, 'twas given by my best bud (I couldn't emphasize more, can I?), this piggy bank is also special because it contained paper bills instead of the usual coins. Mind you, it's all 500Php bills at that! And so I started countin' and suddenly, I sat up straight! Gawd, I have over 10 grand worth of bills stuck somewhere and I didn't have any freakin clue until now. (Whooopeee!)

So I said to myself, "What now, Jing, huh? What are you gonna do?"

Hmm. Tough. I'm usually a scrimper. But hey, this was way too good to even think of saving it. I was makin' plans before I knew it. "Now what's takin Cinds so long?" I was thinking of havin us do some shopping spree.

Cinds arrived a coupla' minutes later and when I asked her what took her long, she went, "I had to go to the bank to start a savings account."

AAAAH!

I am such a weak person when it comes to these things. I almost never, ever spend unless I really, really need to. And just when I thought I'm gonna give in and go over that threshold, here comes my best gurl who thinks the exact opposite of what I'm about to do. And did I mention that Cindy is my crux of influence 99% of the time? Yes! Cinds is my guru. She says it, it's done before I knew it. So...you have any idea what happened next?

I opened my 2nd savings account today.

____________________________

Then we went to Megamall. We had lunch at...oh dupe, I forget! I actually kept tab on where we ate because I wanted to blog about...but guess what, I don't remember it now. I was supposed to write somethin about how the chicken barbeque was freakin stale and difficult to chew while the liempo made up for it by tasting so...tender, so scrumptious, so juicy, so ooh.. (eew, for my lack of appropriate adjectives, did I really have to moan??) Sheesh.

Then we walked around for a while trying to figure out why we were at the mall when we just deposited all our money at the bank just a couple of hours ago. So then when reality set in, and we realized that we were not buying anything, we decided to go back to my place to have a nap.

Wrong idea.

When I left home earlier this morning, Fatee (my maid) was there. I usually don't bring my house keys unless I know that nobody's gonna be home. Fatee's day-off is still a few days away. SO WHY DID I FREAKIN FIND A FREAKIN NOTE TAPED TO MY FRONT DOOR TELLING THAT SHE FREAKIN WENT OUT??!

Apparently, my tito Lando who was visiting for 2 days asked her to accompany him somewhere. Tito Lando is not familiar with Manila's street, so fine! I freakin understand that!

"So, where do we go Cinds?"
We stayed by my plants for about a couple of minutes. Gawd, we were so sleepy already. We were thinking of going to a local hostel or something but Cinds changed her mind coz she doesn't think she's comfortable going to places like those.
"How about maybe goin to this new spa that just opened a couple of blocks away?", says Cinds.

Cinds, being my crux of influence had me go with her to the spa in no time.

First was the steam bath. It was hot, hot hot! (I should have expected that, wool-head!)
After steamy, sweaty 20 minutes, we took a lukewarm shower and off we went to those comfy massage tables.
The room had soft lights and the stereo system had a tantric hum playing softly.
And I was naked from head to foot, save from a white towel draped across my back
Soon after I was moaning in my head for the most intense body massage ever. No pun intended folks, it was super. I'm not sure now if I should go into the nitty-gritty coz this blog might sound pornographic. But here, lemme tell ya, it's been 5 hours already since the massage, and I'm still tingling all over. Now, if that's not good massage, I dunno what is.

So enihoots, after the massage, we had to go home already because Cinds has work the next day and moi needed some sleep.

This has been a long log. I should be sleeping already but for some reason, I still have these goosebumps from the massage. I don't wanna be caught dead moaning in my sleep now, do I?
So hereI am... still writing..and writing..and writing...

Innocence is Power

Ivan Ross at Lolo's House

My dad's sister, let's call her tita Eva. Now, tita Eva got married a couple of years back. She married late and all of us knew it would be a real blessing if she would manage to conceive a baby. After one operation and a lot of check-ups however, she blessedly gave birth to my cousin Ivan, who became the clan's darling since then.

Now a couple of days ago, I heard this story from Con who just spent Halloween with tita Eva and her family back at the good ol' Trinidad country.

Tita Eva and Tito Lito (her husband) were having a heated argument while driving. Ivan was at the back sitting with his yaya Fe and half-sister Princess. Now, husband and wife were almost shouting in front. Princess and yaya Fe were both looking out the window, trying not to listen. And then Ivan goes:

"Mommy, Daddy! Tumigil na kayo! At ikaw Daddy, pinakasalan mo si Mommy, at pinanganak niyo pa ako, so stop!"

Husband and wife fell silent. The family continued riding. And there was world peace.
Now, who says innocence is not power?

Halloween

And so it's the deads' day and I feel like one of 'em zombies who just happened to be at the Metro on a long weekend.

I was not able to go with my folks on their long vacation ride, but I intended to spend the remains of my Halloween break well-rested and relaxed and pampered. But no. You see, I just had to get sick. I've been on a sneeze roller-coaster for about a week now and when I woke up last night (which is the by the way, the official start of my break), I was running a fever.

I could go on and on but in the meantime, I dont feel very comfortable complaining about bein' sick. My grandmother had a stroke just a couple of days ago and she was in the ICU for about 3 days. Now, tonsilitis at home is definitely not something to be so angsty about compared to not bein' able to move half of your body, right? But lola's okay now. She's out of danger, says Connie who's there at the family house in Cagayan with the rest of them Trinidad people.

So enihoots, I'm in my apartment now with my loyal Fatee - my maid- who accompanied me on these long days albeit of us not speaking so much with each other. There wasn't much to do at home and Fatee has been really helpful these last few days so I gave her 2 days off startin' yesterday. She's been goin' out for most part of the day since.

As for moi, I've been watchin' lotsa movies, as I needed to catch up with my DVD and VCD list. I've also been trying to finish reading Lord of Chaos, which has been stuck in front of my nose since 3AM today.

I dont feel like writing. I feel sick, bored and lazy all at the same time.

Before I completely waste this entry and delete it altogether, I'm gonna stop writing-right now.

permanence

Just because everything is different doesn't mean that everything has changed.

Pre-Halloween

And so I'm alone at home now, with the siblings gone and the folks too. It’s a long holiday for them all, and they're spendin it all around outside town. Yep, traveling, that is. And moi? I'm left in the city since I couldn't grab a leave at the office on time. How pathetic is that? Not only do I have to stay in this scary city alone on Halloween, but I have to go to work too! Anybody throwin a Halloween party guys? Have pity. Invite me, invite me!

________________________________

I woke up with a sore throat. And I've been sneezing to bits since then. Do I also have to be alone, and sick in this scary city on Halloween?

________________________________

I finally got my hair cut. And I also got those colors and highlights. I hate goin to the parlor and I've been putting off this chore for almost a year now. Finally, when my mom came over for a visit last weekend, she just had to drag me to Bench Salon. Of course, being the good daughter that I am, I offered to pay for both of us. Man, those people of Mr. Ben Chan sure charge a lot. We were just plannin on some cut and some color, but gawd, those lovely, lovely gays had to entice me and my mom to get watchamacallit sorta' treatments. At the end of the day, I felt that I couldn’t nicely part with ten grand in my wallet and I just had to give in and swipe the card. I've been spendin and swipin almost Imeldifically for the last couple of weeks and darn, I wish the bills would come already so I could feel some remorse. Last night, I promised myself that I wouldn’t be using my card again til Christmas. Some people would battle with nicotine and caffeine addiction. Some would have the guts to fight off drug addiction and even nymphomania (where did that come from??). I choose to combat my credit card usage. There goes my world peace!

______________________________________

I've been havin a minor skirmish with my itunes program. Why is it so freakin hard to use it? I dunno, maybe I’m just a Microsoft type of person. Macintosh and all its default hardwares and softwares just drive me nuts. I’ve been trying to change the play list on my ipod and it takes me a freakin million years just to do it. Itunes -ay tunes, ay sus! Pakshet.

______________________________________

And since I am on the topic of battles and skirmishes and minor irritations here, I wonder if could get rid of this sicky feeling. I’ve been sneezing when I started writing. It hasn't stopped since.
Hah-chooo, fuck you, go away. Shoo!
Hah--shoo!
Shit, I'm losing the sneeze battle.

20 Random Things

Tagged...Again.
I had a ticklish feeling at the back of my neck prior to clicking axion's blog. As a matter of fact, 'twas the last thing I opened for today's blog dose. Now, I know why. Tagged..again, ahehe.

20 Random Things About Jing

1. Nobody has ever heard me fart out loud. That doesn't mean I don't fart though, haha. Now, why did this random stuff have to start with farts?

2. I do pencil and charcoal sketches. In fact, I think I'm good at it. Most of my friends think I'm the songwriter amongst us. Nope, I am the sketcher. Or at least, I'd like to be.

3. I love Eraserheads. They remind me of my old, lovely youth.

4. I can only sleep well if I wear pyjamas and plain tops or nothing at all.

5. There's only 2 subjects in college to which I got 1.0's - Philosophy and Political Science -both not remotely associated to my major.

6. My first toy was a crocodile. Not the cuddly, soft, cute kinda' toy, but a big, lifesize green monster.

7. I feel naked when I go out of the house without my silver ring. Hankies, I can do without. Perfume, even. Hell, I can even go to work without a bra. But not this ring. No way.

8. My favorite food in the whole wide world is tocino. It has always been. Still is. When I die, please serve tocino to the people at my wake.

9. I have loved romantically only once in my life. Relationships, sure there were some. But I fell for real only once.

10. I think I have more secrets than the average person. I like to keep things to myself and I find childish happiness in knowing that I am keeping an idea, a thought, or anything for that matter all to myself.

11. I was a smoker a couple of years back. A smoker to the bone. I quitted for about 3 years. Then I started smoking again. But not so much now. True.

12. I don't like waiting. I'm not a very patient person. I'd rather be late than early. It's a different matter though if I was going to work. I get upset when I'm late for work.

13. I have a very special set of friends. These were friends met in college. Its a very exclusive group and it drives me nuts sometimes because I tend to compare every set of friends I meet to them. Bad of me, I know.

14. I have a bad temper. The people I am most comfortable with have seen me with one. If you've never seen me throw fits, then you're a relatively new cast in my life.

15. My right ear is definitely smaller than my left. I know it doesn't show. I've asked other people to check it for me too. They say they're relatively the same. Liars. I know my ears. alright?

16. My favorite number is 7. There's something sexy and elegant with the way I say se-ven. Duh, what a useless random thing.

17. Most people know me as Marinella Jennifer B. Trinidad. There's a story behind this. But its one of them secrets I so like to keep. Go figure though. If you must.

18. I can swim. I can ride a bike. I can drive any four-wheel vehicle. All these I learned while I was sleeping. Its not a metaphor, silly. I meant I actually dreamed how do to these things. Each time, I woke up and tried to do it in the real world. No hitches, I knew already. How cool is that, huh.

19. I have buyer's remorse syndrome. I save money enough to buy a gazillion things. Spend it in one crazy, shopaholic's day. And I spend the next day sulking because I spent my money.

20. I share so much similarities with my father. Philosophy, thoughts, views, mannerisms, temper, eyes, tastes, character...you name it. So why the hell am I a mama's girl?

I'm tagging

tasha

nyss

eugene

shelly

goin crazy!

I'm so freakin bored. I cant even freakin write.
Had I been a writer, this would be called the BLOCK.
My mind is screamin for release but the the ideas get retarded somewhere between the long journey from my neurons to fingertips.
I stare at the PC for with cold dead eyes. I breathe in and breathe out almost lazily, not as if my life depended on it.
Shadows of faces and insignificant beings pass behind me. Some would be friendly. Most would stab me. I dont give a freakin care.
Is this what finally happens when people lose their sanity?
Is this what finally happens when people lose their sanity?
Opps, I repeated myself.
Did I just repeat myself?
Is this what finally happens when people lose their sanity?

______________________________
Internal-Realist Empowered Shit!

Came across this from one of them blog thingies that you manage to
find on long boring nights.

You Are Internal - Realist - Empowered
You feel your life is controlled internally.

If you want something, you make it happen.

You don't wait around for things to go your way.

You value your independence and don't like others to have control.

You are a realist when it comes to luck.

You don't attribute everything to luck, but you do know some things are random.

You don't beat yourself up when bad things happen to you...

But you do your best to try to make your own luck.

You have a good deal of power, but you also know the pecking order.

You realize that working the system does get you further.

You know who to defer to and who to control.

When it comes to the game of life, you play things flawlessly.

YEAH RIGHT!
If so, why can't I get rid of this friggin boredom I feel right now?
If so, why can't I make this night go any faster than it is? Tonight is so effing slow, man!
Take me home.
UGH!

Life Moves On

A friend's dad passed away. On that same day, I learned that another friend's brother also passed away. That very night, I learned that a friend's wife is expecting twins in a couple of months.

Life moves on.

Life is fleeting. So they say. And with the term 'fleeting', I'm not even talking about time here. Time is measurable. Life isn't. So to even consider equating life and the length of time you've lived is a bit too shallow, in my opinion.

Someone asked me once before how I would want my life to turn out. Beg your pardon? My life is this - it's not a question of how I would want it to turn out, because as it is, I am living my life. Right now, I am life.

----------------------------------------

I've just received word of me being transferred to another team at work. I am, of course, flattered. I, of course feel appreciated. After all, this team I am transferring to, is one of the best. This is the mentor team. In my own way, I would even think that this is a "promotion" of some sort. I would even think I almost wished for this chance. In fact, I think I did. And yes, I am giddy with anticipation. I am so looking forward to giving it a shot. And yes, this mentor team is certainly turning out to be the best that happened to me this week.

And then realization hits in. New, bigger responsibilities. Extended, broader work scenario. And new people to work with. And the old team is just around the corner; and I'd know that all I have to do is look back and see them all together. And while they're laughing out there, all I could do is smile.

Life moves on.

-----------------------------------------

And then I have finally taken this one big step to let bygones be bygones with this one person. Old hurts, old fights, and old scars are all down the drain now. We've started all over again, and though it has just been days since we've reconciled our differences, I can certainly feel that both of us have changed for the better.

This person and I used to fight so much. We used to fight a lot that we're almost good at it. Now, we have quashed our differences. We're still working on some, but so far, I like who I am when I am with this person. I like us being together. And yes, I can start to think of the future again, with this person, most definitely this time.

Life moves on.

mi hermano mackoy

mi hermano, mackoy

Today is my only brother's boithdoi. I call him Mackoy, he calls me Miss Jing. We were supposed to meet up today coz I was treating him and mis 2 hermanas plus mi favorita prima to Enchanted Kingdom. For those non-Spanish speaking readers who must ask, hermano is brother, hermana is sister, and prima is cousin. Haha, I feel yabang speaking my old tongue. Forgive me sweeties, I'm practicing it coz Connie (mi hermana) and Mai (mi prima) are getting good with their Italian and French respectively. We love speaking with each other using our own respective languages. But just recently, I couldn't make a quick retort to something they said which in my opinion is kinda obtuse of me, coz hello, yo estudio español, verdad?

So anyway, I was planning this EK trip for a couple of days now and the only thing that was lacking was the tickets. Mackoy's supposed to have arrived from the province yesterday so he could spend his boithdoi with us. But as ever, plans had to change, and our lives helplessly get revolutionized with it.

Mackoy had to wait for some exam results; hence, he couldn't come just yet. Normally, it’s just okay, I mean, he could always go with us to the next EK trip, right?
Wrong.
How could we celebrate without the celebrator?
Big HMP.
So anyway, I was left with my day all free and boring and I was so into going out come hell or high waters. Thank gawd for Meng and Mai who indulged me and went with me to the mall. To show my appreciation, I told Meng and Mai to get one major item that they normally wouldn't buy for themselves, and charge it to me. Nice of me noh?

Oh, this post is for my brother pala, oops. Basta baby bro, Miss Jing might have missed your boithdoi but I'll make it up to you once you get here. Just get here fast enough so I wont change my mind na. Why, you ask? I'm giving you a day at the mall to buy anything you want.
Hurry panget.

As in now na.
Happy Birthday, mwah!

ELBI...

gawd, i miss this place.

there has never been a day,

never a minute,

when I didn't.

take me back!

now na.

scars

__________________________________________

The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar

which the ultimate

fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes

_____________________________________

by Thomas Hardy

I agree.

This is my quote for the day.

Today will be gone tomorrow.

And the darkness shall soon see light.

I have never worried.

I will never worry.

But anticipation and fear of the unknown,

Are a reflection of the turmoil inside.

And the scar will hurt, albeit faintly.

old faces, old feelings

This post is long past due. I've never written anything about you. You know as well as I do the reason why. Yet...

___________________

We exchanged gifts as soon as we saw each other. I never seem to remember you not giving me any gifts of some sort. You know, small surprises that never fail to make me smile in the past. Today was no different. But this time, I had something for you too.

__________________

You were driving. The car has just run out of freon. But nobody was minding.

It took a couple of minutes, but yes, we agreed to go to Greenhills. We wanted to go someplace different from the usual spots. And we wanted to get away from everything for a while. We only had a couple of hours, so Greenhills it is. It was way too early for shopping so we had breakfast at Bangus. And you, the quintessential quiet person, surprised me by rolling out a series of stories, that even I, the quintessential impatient person had a lovely time listening to.

After an hour and a half of tocino, beef, eggs and coffee, we were ready to get all curious and snoopy at the tiangge-han. We were trying to find the entrance when someone said that it was closed till Friday. Aww.

___________________

We went up to the carpark not knowing where to go next. We stayed in the car for a couple of minutes until you got sleepy. You had your head on my shoulder. And we stayed like that for a couple of minutes more. You mumbled that you missed me. We haven't been together for 3 weeks. I smiled while saying I missed you too. Everything was quiet. And we spent the moment in a carpark roof deck on a workday morning when everything is just right.

____________________

You asked where I wanted to go. Tough. I would go anywhere so long as you were with me. But that was a different kind of answer, so I said, "Have we ever been to Cubao?" You didn't think so. And we wanted to go someplace new...So we went.

_______

Cubao.

A dear friend once told me that Quiapo is the pusod of Manila and Cubao is the kili-kili. I know I agreed with my friend then. Cubao is the most over-populated, over-polluted, and over-pirated places I have ever seen. But Cubao was heaven for me at that time. It was heaven and home rolled together. It was, at that time, a place worth going to, worth dying in, worth living for.

___________________

We walked. And bought. And walked some more. And bought some more.

I was wearing these high-heeled boots from the office and they were killing my feet. You got me some rubber slippers that were really so comfortable but the type that was better worn at home. I knew I looked like some "secretary, nicely dressed and all, except for the slippers she hides beneath her table" ( it's a weird comparison, but you get the picture, right?) Nobody was minding.

__________________

And we got hungry. And you needed a bathroom. I wanted Shakeys' mojos . It was pretty obvious where we should be heading next.

___________________

We had the nicest time swapping old stories and jokes over our bunch of lunches. We made fun at people who we saw across the glasswall. We were laughing like old times. You kept stealing my table napkin which totally drove me nuts. But then, I kinda' expected that. You've always had a penchant for using my used table napkins.

____________

It was early afternoon when we finished. We roamed around for a bit until we saw this totally amazing massage shop. I know you've been bugging me for a massage for the last couple of weeks..err, months, and I said, "Go ahead, I'll wait."

But no, you knew that I was tired and needed to relax but was to stubborn to admit it. With a bit of coaxing from you, I gave in.

_______________________

It was almost late afternoon and I reminded that you needed to go home soon. You understood. You still had a few errands to do for your sister so I volunteered that I'd go with you. We had to head to my place for a bit though coz I wanted to change. As usual, you my dear, are the sweetest to the people at home. It never ceases to amaze me how nice and comfortable you are to my family. I went up to my rrom to change. You were right behind me. I asked you to turn around. You smiled, but yes, you did turn around. Behind your back, you should know I was smiling too.

__________

So we went back to Makati for the favor that you had to do for your sister. We went to Anson for that elusive wireless phone. And after that, I knew we have to say goodbye again. Before heading home, you asked if I was hungry. I said no, but I didn't want to go home yet so I said I was thirsty. Icebergs was nearby. You didnt like ice-cream. For me, ice-cream is next to mana itself. And we went.

Classical banana split for me, and kiwi hielo for you. I wanted to take a picture of my glorious, gargantuan banana split, but I left my phone cum camera at home. I borrowed yours and I noticed you hesitated before handing it over. I took the picture and for the heck of it, I tried to browse through your inbox too. But not before you grabbed the phone back. I sulked. The day was ending. So here was where the magic was ending too, huh? How typical. Some things never really change. I felt a fight brewing.

_________________________

I took my time eating my ice-cream. It might have been my favorite, but I was tasting sand at that time. I waited for you to say something. I was waiting for myself to throw a tantrum. These did not come.

________________________

In the past, under the same circumstances, I would have walked-out already. We would have been fighting for 5 minutes already. I would have broken up with you again. But not this time.

____________________

Not this time.

Why?

You said things change.

People change?

Perhaps.

I've never liked changes. I grew up moving from one place to another. Change, for me, hinted at pain and goodbyes. But if this is change, if we both have changed, and that we're not too keen on fighting anymore because of it, then I like it.

I can accept it.

At the end of the day, we were both smiling. You even gave in and handed the phone over. There was nothing there. You just didn't want me to go through your inbox with me remotely, though possibly thinking that there was something there. I felt silly, You felt relieved.

_____________________________

We said goodbye. And you kissed me.

______________________________

Timeline

Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that the stuff life is made of.

-Benjamin Franklin

_________________________________

I came across this from Mayu's blog. Tagged.

TWENTY YEARS AGO...
1985
6 years old. I may have been happy. I remember my childhood as a happy one. Carefree. Alive. Everyday, an adventure. Everyone, a friend.
Oh yes, there were times when I get scolded, I mean I was a happy, carefree adventurous brat and I did give my folks their share of misery. That wasn't the last of it.

FIFTEEN YEARS AGO...
1990

Grade 6. Haven't gone through highschool yet and I was getting tired of school already. From kidergarten to grade 5, I was consistently the honor chuvachchu kinda geek. But 6th grade was a blast. I had fun with new barkadas - I mean hey, I finally belonged to the coolest group of people. Fond memories include people like Diamond, Bads, Krystal, Lowena, Dyanne, Tin-Tin, and of course my supah owiginal bestfwend, Daffo.

TEN YEARS AGO...
1995
I was into theater. Sindi-Katok. Pisay days. Lovely.

FIVE YEARS AGO...
2000
College. UPLB.
Cigarettes. Booze. Sorority (eww). Chemsoc. Parties. Theater.
IKOT friends. Out-of-towns.
Bogas friends. Guitar sessions.
Sister Lei
And oh, did I mention academics? No need. I didn't give it too much importance.


THREE YEARS AGO...
2002
College - again. UP Diliman.
Back to academics. Back to writing. Forgot my guitar-playing altogether.
Bestfriend Cindy


NEXT TEN YEARS...
I will be the hottest blogger with the most most explosive logs!
I wouldn't be writing and responding to TAGS as a pathetic attempt at documenting my life anymore!
I would be so famous, you would forget your name first before you miss out saying Siyoktong!

joe and i

Joe and I don't agree too well. We don't agree all the time, we're almost good at it. This happens every time...and last night it happened again.

I'm a beer person. I used to be the hard-liquor-type but I guess I kinda got scared when I almost died of it. Hard drinks used to make me go haywire that one time, I almost fell off a cliff in Tagaytay. I fell, actually. And now I am a survivor with a scar on my nose which luckily grew fainter with time.

So we were having a team building escapade a couple of nights ago in Sam's house. I was happy with my beer bottle. And I was enjoying a raucous night with my friends at work. But no, Joe just had to come. JOSE CUERVO Tequilla...Aaaah, hide me people, this Joe's gonna hurt me. I know it!

True enough, I had a raging headache just after a couple of shots. I never would understand why this should happen to me. I mean, I love tequilla, man. I find the whole process of swigging it up so sexy and fantabulously exotic. A little dab there, a flick of a tongue, a full motion of taking that shot in your mouth, and you finish it off sucking a lemon... Ain't that something?

But no, Mr. Joe won't let me have my jigger and drink from it too. I had to take naps during the night to ease off this bludgeoning, head-smacking, teeth-gritting headache.

And then it was morning, and we were getting ready to go. My head felt like wool was stuffed inside. Gawd, that was only 4 freakin' shots! I mean, couldn't these 4 shots be washed away by 5 bottles of beer already?

I went home and by noontime, I was sure I had brain cancer. The throbbing won't go away even if I kiss my sorry ass for it.

So see Joe , I hate you. You make me wanna puke. You hurt me. I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore. For all intents and purposes, I would not give a horseshit if you shove your bottle up your hairy ass. I'm quittin on tequilla, baby. I ain't putting up with this any longer.

Oh, by the way, I still had a lot of fun at the voodoo team chuva..
I may not have sang my throat to death (this is another story, by the way but telling you about it may just make the hang over worse, or I may strangle someone, demmet!), but I had a blast with my friends.
I missed Mayu, Chris and Borz though co'z they had to be somewhere else at that time, but hey, sa uulitin.. Devah?

Flowers

I can't help it. There are times when I just compare my blog to someone else's.

On some nights when I let the surfing tides take me to my links (and subsequently to their links), I so rarely but nevertheless get the pangs of jealousy surface. There are bloggers out there who write about travelling the world. And there are those who write their own adventures found in extreme sports, love affairs, intense bashes, celebrated events and out-of-this-world watcha-ma-call-its.

This blogger here writes about her daily musings.

Oh yes, there are others out there like me. And though I may sound like it, no, I am not putting them down. The thing is, I want to have my own adventure too. I would want to write about it too. I may have had my chance on that. Could I have missed it already?

I am 26 years old. If I think about it, I've lived quite an outrageous, fierce, untamed and feral life. I could go on and on telling you about all the stuff I did back then. But that's just it. It is all in the past now. I don't want to have a blog that does nothing but reminisce the good ol' times. Where's the fun in that? I am in the present, and I should be in the NOW.

Should.
And if I don't want to?
Tough luck.
Sorry, try again.

Yep, that's what I'm doing now. I am trying - again. Some people live like that. They treat life on a trial and error basis. I know, coz I did that too. And boy, did I err so much! I learned so many stuff the hard way. As mundane as this may sound, "I stumbled and fall, but stood through it all." (sounds like an old familiar lyric, ayt?)
Sometimes it gets so painful thinking of the blunders and gaffes I've done. Oftentimes, I still deny my errors in judgment. But what the heck, I am living this life the best way I know how, and if I maybe die tomorrow, I'd know I would have died trying.

Wait, I'm digressing.
As I was saying, I am occasionally jealous of other people's blogs. When I'm surfing on my favorite reads like tasha / ala / jim / joey /grace I sometimes wonder if they would so much give a glance at what I've been writing in here. I follow and read their stuff like a good friend listens to another. And it kills my week when I don't find anything new on their turf.

You know what's really odd? I was supposed to write something entirely different today. I've been blog-hopping and my envious, covetous blogger-self just re-surfaced. I was basically playing the juicy stuff inside my head all morning and I was bent on writing about it.
Say, did I even come close to doing that? Nah, I didn't think so.
Oh well.

It's perfectly alright dah-lings. After all, I didn't name this site AROUND THE CORNER for nothing. Blog description says, "Stop and Smell the Flowers, You Pass This Way Just Once.."
So go ahead, sniff some more. I've planted everywhere but the flowers only come once in a while. Sign says you come just once, but you may wanna keep coming back. I mean hey, I lurk in your corners almost everyday. I feel like a peeping tom sometimes hopping from one blog to another. No one's stopping you from loitering in my corner.

One of these days, you just might catch and smell something in full bloom. And that's when we're gonna smell the flowers. Together. That'll be the big day. The day I'm gonna write about my adventure. Not about past, old exploits. Not about some deeply-embedded memory from long ago. Because as special and intense my past quests may have been, they were, are and will be exclusively history.

One day, I will write something totally explosive.
And one day it will awe you,
And you will be oggling your eyes at my blog,
And you will be jealous too,
Someday.

hmp!

yes you.
shut the fuck up, okay?
can't you think of something besides yourself for even just one second?
you think the world revolves around you?
think again.
oh no, think longer.
or are you even capable of thinking?
i didn't think so.
well, you'd better start.
co'z if you think i'll hang around any longer for this crap you call your life, you are so out of it.
i'm gone even before you can utter your freakin' lover's name.
i'm gone, you hear?
i won't put up with this any longer and i bet you don't even have a clue.
you might be wondering right this very second,
is this log talkin bout you?
well, whadda ya think?
oops, sorry i had to ask.
you're not capable of using that mush you call your brain, right?
aaaggh, why am i even bothering to let you know...
okay, irate mode--> turned OFF

have a nice day na lang!
hmp.

booboo!

I made a major booboo at work today. Keep the eyebrows down people, I'm not gettin' fired yet thank gawd! But, but, but...

I was hangin 'round my boss' desk after work with a coupla' other guys from the team. No big deal, Sam's cool with that. Usually after work, we dawdle by his desk doin some' small stuff and small talk.

Sam just bought a new Ericson W800 phone. The thing came with a hands-free set with earphones that look a bit like small tubed ice. Mayu, a teammate, said it looked like a nipple. See, we couldn't really agree until Shelly blurted out, "Ah, lam ko na, parang kuntil!".

Then I go thinkin', Yep Shelly's right..It sure does look like a kuntil..
Then Sam asks what a kuntil was.
And then I go.. (whispering) "C-L-I-T...got it?"
The other guys heard it, and Mayet couldnt help herself..."Jing mali! Iba yun, iba yun!!!!"
What?
Shit, I was thinking of "tinggil".. oh gawd..Please don't tell me I just spelled out clit to my boss..!
I slowly inched away from Sam's desk..
Said, "Bye-ee guys!"
And went home as I fast as I could.
Tinggil..Kuntil..Where in the world do I get my freakin' ideas?!

undefined...inane...bland

I don't know why I am feeling a bit down today. No, I take that back. I am not sad, like teary-eyed-sad. It's more of having my senti mode turned on, I guess.

Trigger songs would make my eyes mushy. Familiar scents take me back to some forgotten past. A phrase spoken by a stranger becomes full of sense and meaning. I stare at my mug for a full 10 minutes thinking about life. I strike a conservation hoping to talk some sense out of the usual blahs and blehs and haha's at the workplace. I keep wondering if I am happy or not. What the *bleep* is happening here?!

This girl is clueless.

I feel shallow and pointless. It's like I've lost passion in doing the things that have meant a lot to me in the past. I rarely play my guitar now. There goes song composition too. Except for these sporadical logs, I almost never write anymore. No more plays. No backstage stories to share. No applause to hear. No lines to deliver. No more backpacking in some unheard of, hidden towns out of the city anymore. No more experimental videos that I take with my friends. No late walks. No late stories.

No life?

I used to be a party manager cum gimik commander cum crux of events. I yearned, lived and breathed action. I never stayed in one place. I craved, desired, hungered and ached for life and being alive.

Am I dead?

My world now revolves around earning money, sleeping and eating. I never knew life so inane and undefined. Can I be any more bland than this?

My gawd, I'm whining...shit.

yehey!

got my new ipod today. yehey! layp is gud!

weird dream

Oh well, in the meantime, I had the weirdest dream last night. I was applying for law scool and basically, they didn't accept me. Damn. There goes my dream of becoming a lawyer...

The weird thing in the dream was that they didn't get me for the lousiest reason -- they said I was fat! Gawd!

I mean I was not physically fat but the "oil level in my blood/urine" ( is there such thing??) seemed to have gone up to monstrous levels...

AAAh!!! What a nightmare... And not because I was not accepted for law school. I'm more afraid of going to the bathroom and find myself all slicky and slimy with OIL.
Sheesh!

I forget!

I was supposed to write a juicy piece today, and I've been thinking about it for hours now. As soon as I faced my PC however, all thoughts escaped my mind. What the f*ck! Talk about forgetful moi!

AAAGHH!